MONDAY, AND KELLI hit the gym before starting work. Her body was exhausted, every muscle had its own tune of cramps and tiredness, but there’d been a lot of serious eating and drinking over the weekend that needed dealing with.
She’d done some weights and was clocking onto the treadmill when that sexy deep voice that lifted bumps on her skin and kept her awake the night before interrupted her concentration.
‘Hey, Kelli. Didn’t expect to see you in here this early.’ Mac strolled into sight.
‘I was at a loose end.’ Restless and wound up tighter than a ball of string and unable to focus on anything. ‘You’re early too.’
‘I’d done my laundry, cleaned the bathroom and got in groceries for the week, and still had time to kill before going into work.’ How Mac managed to step onto the treadmill beside her without doing a face plant was beyond her. He hadn’t taken his eyes off her legs from the moment he’d turned up.
Heat and need spread through her, blanketing her hang-ups about her body with something far more exciting and game changing because now she understood what that look meant, had experienced how Mac followed up with his hands and mouth. They were in the middle of the gym, surrounded by people working out. Get real. This was not the place to be craving Mac’s touch. Struggling for normality—her old normality—Kelli dredged up an inane comment. ‘I did pretty much the same things this morning.’
Mac nodded, still focused on her legs. ‘Way too wired to be hanging out doing nothing.’
So he felt the same as she did. There was no holding in the smile now spreading across her face. ‘I didn’t know you could be so domestic.’
‘Needs must,’ he grunted as he hit the buttons, finally dragging his eyes forward. ‘Now for a hard workout.’
Kelli was already jogging slowly, warming up before hitting the hills button. ‘That painting look good on your wall?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What’s wrong? You regretting your purchase?’
‘Too late for that. I’m enamoured with it, which is unnerving. I live a very clean-cut style; no mementos other than one photo, no pictures cluttering the walls, or unnecessary lampshades and furniture to dust.’
Sterile. Uninvolved. ‘Keeping the world at arm’s length.’ He’d have fifty fits if he saw her bedroom.
‘It’s who I am, Kelli.’ Oh-oh, the serious tone had switched on. ‘You’d best remember that.’
Her stomach knotted. ‘Hard to gel that version of you with the man I spent the weekend with. Sure you like living so remotely?’
‘It’s safer that way.’
‘Safe can be restrictive,’ Kelli argued, knowing she was guilty of doing the same until Mac came into her life.
‘Less confronting.’
‘To what?’ Her heart had already taken a tumble and there was quite likely a load of pain waiting in the background for the day Mac didn’t want to stare at her legs.
A pager sounded and it wasn’t until she saw Mac tug something from his waistband that she realised where the peeps had come from.
‘There goes my workout.’ Mac hit the slow button. ‘I’m wanted in ED. Seems Michael’s got a problem.’
Kelli nodded, swallowed the flare of annoyance that she’d been relegated to second. As head of department he had to go. It was bad timing, was all. They were actually talking about something serious and probably important to their future. If there was going to be a future, and she had no idea where they stood on that. No point trying to keep Mac here when he was wanted in the department. That was a no go. ‘See you later.’
‘Back to reality.’ A brief twisted smile accompanied his words.
‘Saved by the pager,’ she acknowledged.
Mac didn’t hear her. Or chose not to, striding out of the gym without finishing that uncomfortable conversation.
Suddenly the leftover fizz from the weekend dropped away, leaving her lethargic and barely able to put one foot in front of the other. The bubble had burst. Mac hadn’t changed anything. His offer to stand by her had been for the duration of the wedding. No need to discuss breaking up. Confronting her family to explain had always been part of the deal.
The problem was that she’d gone and given away her heart to Mac. Of course she shouldn’t have, but that suggested she’d had control over it. Fat chance. Spending so much time with Mac, having fun and getting to know him better, seeing a different side to the serious specialist—what was there not to fall in love with? The sparks had flown, back and forth. Leanne had commented about how hot she and Mac were together and that took involvement from both parties.
Involvement, Mac. When you get close to someone. When you share things—conversations, meals, friends and family. Involvement.
Sweat trickled down her back, soaked the waistband of her knee-length sports pants. Yuck. Her legs protested every step and her lungs moved in and out as if they were under water. Was she drowning? Under a blanket of unrequited love? Whatever Mac thought was a mystery. She’d seen desire light up his eyes uncountable times over the past three days. Had been loved with skill and abandonment, with wonder and joy. What do you think of me, Mac? Huh? Do you care enough to carry on seeing me?
Her legs won. No point in hauling them through the kilometres when they moved like lead weights.
Hitting the ‘stop’ button, she lurched against the hand bar and kept her balance. Just. Time for a shower and a coffee then she’d sign on for the shift.
Hopefully Mac would be friendly and not doing his serious thing as if she was a problem that had to be put in its box.
* * *
The department was full to bursting when Kelli slouched in. Mac was nowhere to be seen for handover, and those in the day shift were subdued. Too quiet.
‘What’s going on?’ Kelli asked Stephanie, who’d been standing behind the counter flicking through patient notes.
‘Everyone will hear soon enough.’ Then Stephanie sniffed. ‘Michael lost a patient, and he’s not coping very well. A wee boy with a massive allergic reaction to some food product.’
A wee boy. That was hard to take and, for the doctor in charge, distressing beyond imagination. ‘That’s why Mac got that message.’ And she’d been thinking he’d been in a hurry to leave her. Selfish didn’t begin to cover her thoughts. Sorry, Mac. Sorry, Michael.
‘They’re shut in his office going over what happened. Hopefully Mac can reassure Michael that he did everything right.’ Stephanie looked worried.
‘That explains the full cubicles. Down a doctor. What was Michael doing on day shift anyway?’
‘He started early to cover another registrar who went off sick. One of those kind of days.’ Stephanie handed her a file. ‘Cubicle three, male, fifty-five, arrhythmia, SOBOE, no known history. Monitor him and I’ll send a doctor as soon as I have one available. We need to get things moving around here, even if we only clear some of the minor cases until Mac’s able to join us.’
‘No problem.’ Heading across to the cubicle opposite the department centre where more serious patients were kept under watch, Kelli glanced down the page of notes she’d been handed, took in the relevant details, and tried not to think about Michael and how he must be feeling. The guy was good, didn’t make mistakes, but all doctors met their challenges, and today was his turn. ‘Hi, Will. I’m Kelli, the nurse who’s going to be keeping an eye on you for the next hour or two.’
‘A lot of fuss about nothing, if you ask me. You’ve got far more serious patients needing your attention,’ Will blustered.
The woman beside him introduced herself as his wife and said, ‘Will, no one’s asking you. The nurses are telling you there’s something wrong with your heart and if you think I want you at home before we know what’s going on, then think again.’
Kelli raised a thumb in the woman’s direction. ‘Will, your wife’s right. We can’t be discharging you only to have you brought back in a far worse condition later, now can we?’
Will blanched. ‘I guess not.’
‘You’ve had a shock, physically and mentally.’ She was reading the heart monitor’s printout. ‘See how those peaks are not nice and even? That’s an abnormal rhythm and the doctors will want to find out the cause.’
‘Am I going to have heart surgery?’ All the bluster had gone out of her patient’s voice. ‘I’ve never been under the knife before.’
His wife gripped his hand. ‘It won’t be as serious as that.’ The look that she threw Kelli was imploring her to reassure her husband.
‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Your BP is high, but your lungs are clear of fluid, which is good. I’m here to keep monitoring you. A doctor will be along soon—’ cross her fingers ‘—to explain what’s happened and what your treatment might be. He’ll discuss your symptoms and results with a cardiologist who will decide the next move.’
Stephanie joined them. ‘Because of what’s happening elsewhere, I’ve talked to Penny and she asked that we take blood for a troponin.’ Penny being a cardiologist. ‘Can you do that, Kelli?’
‘Sure can.’
‘What’s a troponin?’ Will asked.
‘It’s a test to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the last twenty-four hours. I’d say the cardiologist asked for it because of your problems breathing yesterday when you were trying to walk that hill.’ The notes said he’d been on a walking challenge in Cornwall Park and had been stopping every hundred metres or so to get his breath back.
‘Told you we should’ve come in straight away.’ His wife looked ready to burst into tears.
Kelli nodded. ‘It’s okay, you’re here now. But—’ she aimed for stern ‘—any time this happens, or any chest pain, you must call an ambulance.’
‘I don’t like being a bother. It’s not like it was urgent.’
‘It could’ve been. We’d prefer to send you home healthy and with no heart problems, than have to deal with the consequences of a heart attack.’ Or worse, but the embarrassed look on his face said he’d got the message and didn’t need more horrific details. ‘Right, I’ll get the phlebotomy kit and take that blood sample. The sooner I do that, the sooner we’ll know what’s going on.’
The blood was taken and sent up to the lab. Kelli regularly checked the monitor printout and reassured her patient nothing had changed for the worse.
She worked with a young woman suffering acute abdo pain in the next cubicle as well. Another registrar had joined the shift and between them they arranged bloods for a CBC and CRP. Appendicitis was on the cards, soon confirmed with an increased white cell count and a raised CRP. The girl disappeared with an orderly, heading to Theatre.
Nearly an hour after she’d come into the department Mac strode into Will’s cubicle, his serious face on and his eyes sad. ‘Hello, I’m Mac Turner, an emergency doctor,’ he said. ‘I’ve read all your results and talked to the cardiologist. The good news is that you haven’t had a heart attack.’
‘And the bad?’ Will asked.
‘There’s still your irregular heartbeat to sort out. I’m going to put you on blood thinners, starting today, to negate the chances of having a stroke until you see the cardiologist in approximately six weeks when the thinners have had time to stabilise.’
Mac was in efficiency mode, checking off points as though he held a bulletin board. Kelli watched closely. Saw the distress in the back of his eyes and knew he was worried for Michael. ‘You’re discharging Will now?’
‘Yes. There’s nothing untoward going on.’ He nodded at their patient. ‘You’ll have regular INR blood tests to monitor how the thinners are working. I’m emailing a copy of everything to your GP and you should visit her tomorrow to establish what’s happening over the next few weeks. Any questions?’
The couple was quiet. Most likely shocked, as was Kelli at Mac’s abrupt comments. Unlike him even at his most serious. She could forgive him, knowing he had problems to deal with, but his patient would’ve expected more.
‘Okay, Will, let’s take this slowly,’ Kelli said as Mac disappeared out of the cubicle. ‘No leaping out of bed and dancing around the ward.’
‘Am I going to have to sit in a chair all day until I see the specialist?’
‘Not at all.’ She laughed. ‘I was exaggerating just a little. Carry on as normal. But I’m sure you’re going to have a hundred questions by nightfall so write them down so you can ask your GP tomorrow.’
Soon he was up and dressed. ‘I’ll be fine,’ he muttered.
‘Yes, you will,’ Kelli agreed. ‘I don’t want to see you in here again. In the nicest possible way.’
Mac stood up from the desk when she crossed to pick up a file. ‘Thanks. You were great with Will and his wife.’
Only doing what she was trained for. ‘What about you? And Michael?’
‘Want a quick break? I could do with a coffee.’
And someone to talk to. It hung between them, warming her to her toes. Mac Taylor had turned to her when in need. She glanced around, looking for Stephanie, who was only a couple of metres away at the chute for sending samples to the lab.
Stephanie nodded. ‘I’ve got you covered.’
With a full department she was being extra kind, but then that was Stephanie to a T. ‘Won’t be long,’ Kelli promised as she walked past the senior nurse, hoping she could keep that assurance.
They made instant coffee and took it to Mac’s office. ‘How’s Michael?’ Kelli asked the moment the door was shut.
‘Badly shaken, and in need of a few hours away from here.’
‘Shaken’s not too bad, is it?’
Mac’s lips twitched. ‘No, Kelli, it’s not.’ Then he got serious again. ‘Losing any patient is dreadful, but a child dying is every doctor’s worst nightmare.’
She nodded. ‘Especially when it’s your first in charge of the case.’
‘Yeah.’ Sadness filled the air. ‘My first one was a girl, seven and the cutest little minx you’d ever come across. Meningitis. The family had been hiking in the Rimataka Ranges and by the time they realised Juliette was seriously ill and tried to get her out they were already too late.’
He’d not forgotten her name. ‘Yet you still blame yourself.’ It was a no brainer. She’d seen it often enough throughout her career.
Mac’s mouth turned down and his focus appeared to be miles away. ‘It’s what we train for, saving people in every eventuality even when we understand that’s impossible.’
‘Will Michael be all right?’
‘He has to be, or take a change in direction as far as his career is concerned. If that sounds harsh, I’m only stating the facts as dealt to me over Juliette. Blunt but true. Unfortunately.’ Mac dragged his hands down his face. ‘But I’m thinking Michael will come through this just fine. He’s talked about it with me and is going to call me any time it gets on top of him.’
‘Talking’s good.’ Often not a guy thing. Nor hers. Telling all and sundry about the bullies who’d shaped her had never been possible, because that’d be exposing her weaknesses and showing others how to get to her. Of course she’d told Steve. They were in love. But he’d used it against her, saying the bullies had a point and shouldn’t she take the opportunity to have surgery. Drinking her bland and now cool coffee, Kelli shuddered. ‘Yuk.’
Mac’s smile was small but it was coming out, slowly, lightening the atmosphere. ‘Not up to Waiheke café standards.’
That coffee at the café where they’d helped the chef had been hot and intense and full of flavour. Not that she’d been thinking of the coffee they’d tried to drink super quick, and the muffins she couldn’t taste for all the need in her mouth. Nothing but returning to their suite at the resort had mattered. ‘Not a patch,’ she replied around the longing building in her again.
Inappropriate, Kells. Mac’s worrying for Michael, and recalling his own unhappy medical stories and you’re thinking of sex.
Mac did that to her. Stole all sense, replaced it with sex-crazed thoughts—no, make that sensations. Because there was no thinking straight whenever Mac was close, unless they were beside a patient, but that didn’t count. He’d tossed her world sideways, leaving her not knowing whether she was up or down, left or right. She was lost. And in love.
‘We’d better be getting back to work.’ Mac stood up slowly, reluctantly. Even sad he was good enough to want to eat.
Or hug. To give warmth to, to show she understood and cared. Easy. Wrapping her arms around him, she held him tight. ‘It’s what you do. Help everyone who needs you.’
‘I do. It’s ingrained in me, and probably Michael feels the same, so when the outcome goes wrong it’s hard to accept we’re not gods.’ The pain in his voice smudged out any arrogance there might’ve been in that statement.
He was a hero in her book. ‘Want to share bacon and eggs at the All-Nighter after work? We can talk some more if you need to vent.’
Or we can hurry through our meals and head to your apartment.
She’d love to see where he’d hung that painting. Ha. Right. Sure. On the way to his bedroom maybe. Or on the way out after an intense night. Like going to his place would happen.
Mac’s mouth covered hers, not softly but hungrily, taking from her, devouring in his intensity. A kiss like no other. A kiss that said he needed her in a way he hadn’t admitted before. A personal way.
Her knees were jelly, tipping her into Mac’s long, hard body. Exquisite sensations pummelled her from curled-up toes to skin-tightening forehead. ‘Mac,’ she groaned between their mouths before immediately pressing her lips back on his. How had she survived before Mac? How could she have believed she knew all about sex, or lovemaking, or whatever it was called. There was no one word to describe what was ripping through her right this moment.
Those lips she hankered after when they weren’t available were torn away from hers. ‘Work.’ Mac’s chest was rising and falling rapidly.
Kelli spread her hand flat on his pecs, absorbed his heat and harsh breathing. ‘Yeah.’
‘Rain check?’
‘End of shift.’
Mac smiled a long, slow, knowing smile that went nowhere towards toughening up her knees. ‘Bacon and eggs at my place.’
Truly? She was being invited into his sanctum? A place no one seemed to be invited to. Sex, food and a glimpse at how Mac lived. This was right up there with being awesome. ‘You’re on.’
The light in his eyes dimmed. Just realised what he’d got himself into?
Not about to give him a chance to change his mind she spun out of his arms and aimed for the door, unsteady on those knees. ‘Let’s get cracking. The busier we are, the sooner the hours will be gone.’
‘We haven’t just been busy?’ His smile was back, wider, cheekier and, yes, a whole load sexier—if that was possible.
Getting through the shift without climbing the walls with need seemed a remote possibility. Flapping her hands in front of her fiery cheeks, she straightened her back and blew Mac a kiss to be going on with. ‘That was merely a warm up.’
* * *
Mac followed Kelli out into the department, his gaze locked on those endless legs in baggy scrubs. Whoever designed the shapeless, boring outfits hadn’t had a woman like Kelli in mind. She filled the loose folds out in all the right places and turned the ugly scrubs into a fashion statement. Her butt rounded out the back and was moving in a tantalising way that made his mouth water and his heart do cartwheels. Not thinking about the tightness in his groin.
End of shift was for ever away. Might have to find an empty storeroom next break. So much for moving on from the weekend and calling it a day. He wanted Kelli more than ever. Hadn’t got enough of her yet. Would he ever?
He had to. There was an engagement to call off. Once that happened those protective brothers wouldn’t allow him near her. Nor would her mother.
A breath hissed over Mac’s lips as Kelli reached the counter and leaned over the top for a file. Those scrubs took on a whole other rounded shape as her butt stretched them tight.
She’s mine.
‘Looks like we’ve got an urgent case on the way in.’ Kelli waved the file at him. ‘Sixteen-year-old male, knocked off his skateboard outside school. Suspected fractured tib and fib.’
‘How far away?’ Mac dragged his concentration back to where it should be.
The buzzer sounded.
‘About now, I’m thinking.’ Kelli grinned as she thrust the file at him and immediately headed for the ambulance bay.
How was a bloke supposed to focus on a patient when that involved working with a siren?
Drawing air in right down to his stomach, Mac counted to ten and stared at the file in his hand. The words flickered, came into focus, and the details nudged Kelli aside in his mind. The teen had a history of broken bones from skateboarding. Slow learner or a lad who didn’t believe in holding back when it came to putting his body on the line?
The only good point was that time would whizz past and the shift would be over sooner than later. And then the fun could really start.
* * *
At five past nine Kelli leaned back in the chair where she’d been entering data on her last patient. ‘I’m for a coffee. Anyone else?’
The waiting room was suspiciously quiet. It’d probably fill up at ten forty-five and there’d be no getting away for hours.
Can’t happen.
Her body hadn’t stopped thrumming with need since that sizzling kiss in Mac’s office. If they didn’t get down and busy together soon she was going to explode.
‘I’ll be along in five,’ Mac called from the resus directly opposite.
‘Want me to order your usual?’
‘Please.’
Settled in a corner of the cafeteria, two coffees and a donut that looked as if it’d been made a week ago in front of her, Kelli read her emails. Nothing earth-shattering. Tamara was still pregnant and getting antsier by the hour. Dad wanted to do lunch one day this week.
‘You’ve got a donut,’ Mac drawled as he dropped into the chair opposite her.
‘I more than made up for it over the weekend with all that exercise,’ she retorted around a grin as she put the phone down on the table.
‘Kelli.’ He drew her name out like warm liquid honey. ‘Tonight. You want to stay with me?’
Oh, boy. Did she what? ‘As in a sleepover in your apartment?’
He spluttered with laughter. ‘Something like that.’
The phone rang. ‘I could ignore it, but it’s Mum.’
‘We know she won’t go away. Better see what she wants.’ Mac leaned back and sipped his long black.
‘Hi, Mum. Getting back to normal now the wedding’s over?’ The moment the words were out Kelli wanted them back. She just knew what was coming and had no way of stopping any of it.
Mac reached for her donut and took a big bite.
‘Hey.’ She snatched at it and got cream squeezed over her hand for her trouble. Mac’s eyes locked on her as she began licking her fingers clean.
‘I thought we could start planning yours.’
See? ‘Mum? What did you say?’ The donut tasted like glue.
‘That you and Mac should come to dinner one night next weekend, then we can set a date and start the ball rolling for your wedding. What do you think?’
That I’m in deep doo-doo.
‘There’s no rush, Mum.’ She couldn’t look at Mac. Didn’t want to see the truth blaze out from those sexy eyes she dreamed about every night. The fun would be over as soon as she explained to her family she was no longer engaged. It was going to finish when he heard her tell Mum they wouldn’t be coming to dinner this weekend. Or any weekend.
‘Maybe not in your eyes, Kelli, but I like to be prepared.’
When Kelli remained mute her mother sighed heavily before continuing.
‘At least come for a meal. Your father and I would love to spend more time getting to know Mac better.’
Getting harder.
‘I’ll talk to Mac and get back to you. Love you, Mum.’
Click.
Now what? All the fun and the greatest sex ever and falling in love with the man responsible had not gone any way to prevent the fact that she needed to tell her parents the truth.
‘The game’s up?’ Mac leaned forward, his hand reaching for hers. ‘It doesn’t...’ He hesitated, stared at her for so long a wart must’ve begun growing on her chin, and then he leaned back against his chair again.
Raw pain sliced through her. ‘It doesn’t what?’ she asked in a high-pitched squeak.
He shrugged. ‘Nothing.’
The pain opened wider. Nothing? This was nothing? The weekend, the way they fitted together so well, how they were opening up to each other was nothing? He knew what her mother had asked. The knowledge was there, darkening those eyes, crowding out the previous look of fun and laughter. ‘Nothing. As in we’re done now that it’s Monday? When you’ve just invited me to stay at your apartment tonight?’
‘The deal was I was your fiancé for the weekend, Kelli. This was how it was always going to end.’
‘In the beginning there’d been the suggestion we’d take a couple of weeks before calling it off so it didn’t look so obvious it had been a hoax.’ Except I went and fell in love with you. ‘Wait a minute. That kiss earlier on? That was a break-up kiss? A false kiss for a false break up? You weren’t really going to take me to your apartment?’
Now he reached for her hands. She was shaking. And so was Mac. Maybe there was hope after all. She’d got it wrong, hadn’t given him a chance to say anything before leaping in the deep end to rabbit on and on at him.
‘I kissed you because I couldn’t not. You’re beautiful, amazing, and I have had a wonderful few days. Could go on having some more, but in the end we have to tell your family the truth no matter what we get up to.’
She gaped at him, trying hard to keep up, and failing.
He hadn’t finished. ‘Your mother’s invitation to dinner is the wake-up call we need. Continuing what we’ve started would only make it all the harder to pull the plug further down the track.’
Pull the plug? Nice turn of phrase for her heart to hear. ‘Why do we have to finish at all?’ The words were out before she’d thought about them. Thank goodness she hadn’t cried out that she loved him. How humiliating would that be?
Her hands were suddenly bereft of warmth, or anything, as they were dumped. Mac’s face was white, his lips flat. ‘I am so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.’
And she’d thought she couldn’t hurt any deeper. The genuineness of those words cut her to the core. ‘Of course. Helping people is what you do. Staying around and getting involved is not.’ Vitriol was not pretty, but again her tongue had raced away on her.
‘I can’t do anything about that. I’ve been involved, married, about to become a father, and lost it all. I am never going there again. You have to understand.’ He was pleading with her.
Damn it, her heart softened a little. Of course he’d been hurt dreadfully when he’d lost his wife. And apparently an unborn baby. But did he have to lock his heart up for ever? She was asking that? She who’d never wanted to risk being hurt again? That she’d fallen in love with Mac had been completely by accident, but she was prepared to allow him in. ‘Why not give us a chance?’
He looked her up and down, and shook his head. ‘I don’t think so.’
That look made her feel stupid, told her she still wasn’t any good at reading men. Her chair legs screeched across the floor as she leapt up. She wanted to beg, to lick her hand again to create that need in his eyes, place her heart in front of him. But that was how she used to deal with people, always trying to appease them. Not any more. Mac either wanted her or he didn’t, and, anyway, it was there in his sad but steady gaze—she’d be wasting her time and making a goat of herself into the bargain.
‘Time I went back to work.’ Heading for the lift to take her down to the department, she concentrated on holding back the hot tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Crying never got her anywhere, and tonight would be no exception.