Avery unbuckled the car seat and reached for her sleeping nephew.
Matt placed a hand on her shoulder. “Let me get him.”
“He’s hot and sweaty.”
He winked at her. “I like hot and sweaty.”
She sucked her bottom lip under her teeth, biting back a smile. “Have you always been this much of a flirt?”
“Not with you. Didn’t figure I needed to. You were so besotted with me.”
She snorted. “Besotted? Really?”
He tipped his head back and laughed. “I’ve upped my language game too.”
“Too?”
He waggled his eyebrows at her, and she rolled her eyes. “Get the baby.”
Matt negotiated Wyatt out of the seat and laid him gently on his shoulder. Wyatt never opened an eye.
Avery tugged the hem of Wyatt’s t-shirt down. “Impressive, Mr. Taylor. Just how often do you see your family?”
“Not as often as I would like. They’re spread around the country. Mom and Dad are still in Marla. Miranda is in Kansas City. Emma moved to San Francisco. And Dan is in Oklahoma City. I try to see them when Storyhill passes through one of their cities, and we’re together for Mom’s birthday and Christmas. But you know, digital age, I’m getting videos all the time.”
“How old are they now?”
“Anywhere from fourteen to eighteen months.”
“Eighteen months?”
“Emma got her PhD and settled into a teaching position before considering kids.”
“Here, let me grab the door.” She unlocked it and held it open. “Why don’t you sit with him in the living room—there’s a rocking chair in the corner—while I grab some clean, dry clothes and start running a bath. Let’s see if we can get his temp down a little. If we can, we can tuck him in his bed and resume our conversation.”
“Do you have any Children’s Tylenol?”
Avery snapped her fingers. “Good call. I’ll get that too. Meet you upstairs in five minutes?”
Matt nodded.
She didn’t need five minutes. She needed a moment to collect herself. He was so good with Wyatt. So careful. So steady. He would be such a wonderful dad.
She pulled a fresh pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and a Pull-Up from Wyatt’s small dresser. He’d object to the Pull-Up. He was a ‘big boy’ after all, but since he was sick, she didn’t want to take any chances.
She set the Tylenol on the counter and started the bath.
“I’m ready,” she hollered down to Matt. A lie of epic proportions, on every level.
She could hear Matt gently cajoling Wyatt awake. “What’s your favorite tub toy?”
When he climbed the stairs, he sat Wyatt on the counter and Avery gave him a dropper of the pain reliever.
“Arms up little man.”
Wyatt put his arms in the air, never taking his eyes off Matt.
“I have a penis,” he announced as Avery removed his bottoms.
She bit back a laugh. This was it. This was when Matt finally ran out of the right thing to say.
Matt leaned down close to Wyatt’s ear. “Can you keep a secret?”
The little boy nodded earnestly.
“Promise not to tell anyone.”
Wyatt nodded again, his eyes wide.
Matt looked side-to-side and cupped his hand around his lips. “I have one too.”
Wyatt’s mouth fell open. “You do?”
“Yep.”
“Me see it,” Wyatt said, grabbing for the button on Matt’s pants.
Avery laughed, and Matt inched back, just out of Wyatt’s reach.
Matt ruffled Wyatt’s hair. “I only take my clothes off for baths. And that bathtub is not big enough for both of us. How about you show me your bath squirts instead?”
The little boy seemed appeased, and Matt swung him into the bath.
“You okay by yourself for a bit?” he asked, stepping away from the tub.
She raked her eyes down his body. “You worried you’re going to have to take your clothes off?”
He leaned down, whispering in her ear. “This will be the only time I’ll say no when Avery Lind asks me to take off my clothes. But as you said earlier, we have some things to talk about before bath time.”
Avery wet a washcloth and gently wiped the toddler’s cheeks. “Where are you going?”
“I got some little man goo on my shirt. I have a gym bag in my car. I’m just going to run out and change.”
When Matt came back, Avery was toweling off Wyatt, and the little boy’s eyes were drifting shut. “How about we put your clothes on and then tuck you in for a nap?”
“Matt nap,” Wyatt said, pointing his finger at Matt.
“Okay, little dude, I will rock you for five minutes, and then you have to sleep in your big boy bed. Deal?”
“Deal,” Wyatt said with a serious nod.
Matt carried him down the stairs, and they reclaimed their spot in the rocking chair.
Avery watched as Matt laid her nephew on his shoulder. This was going to be even harder than she had expected.
“If you’re good,” she said, her voice catching in her throat, “I’m going to call Jess and then clean up the kitchen.”
“I’m good,” he said, rubbing small circles on the little boy’s back.
She nodded and slipped into the kitchen. The clock chimed just as she finished cleaning out the soup bowls and getting everything in the dishwasher. Momma would be home soon. They’d have to move their discussion to another location. Maybe his place? Or better yet, a public space where he’d be less likely to yell at her.
She walked back into the living room to tell Matt exactly that, but they were both out cold. Wyatt snored softly, some crusty bits developing under his nose. Matt’s head tilted back. Seriously, he had to be one of the most beautiful men she’d ever seen.
“Matt?” she called softly. Nothing.
She stood and watched them until her heart melted into the floor. Maybe she shouldn’t tell him. It might be better to just go their separate ways.
Except that’s not what she wanted.
“Well, would you look at that,” Isabel said from behind her.
Avery gasped and clutched her heart. She hadn’t even heard her mother come in, so lost in her thoughts.
Avery circled the depression in the center of her clavicle and tried to swallow the emotions growing thick in her throat. “Jess called in the middle of my lunch with Matt.”
“See, I told you, he would have made a great father,” Isabel said.
“Momma, shush,” Avery said, pulling her mother back into the kitchen.
“Lunch must have gone okay. What did he say when you told him?”
Avery sliced her hand back and forth in front of her throat. Movement caught Avery’s eye and she whirled to find Matt standing just behind her, Wyatt still draped on his shoulder.
“Would have made a great father? Like past tense?” Matt ignored Isabel, his full attention focused on her. “On Wednesday, you said once we talked, you were in. Did you change your mind? Did you bring me here to tell me we don’t have a future?”
She dropped her gaze to the floor. She couldn’t bear the look in his eyes. “That’s not exactly what I said. And Momma just misspoke. She meant you will make a good father.”
Isabel looked between them and shrugged. “You know my English isn’t always so good.”
Matt’s eyes narrowed. “Isabel, your English is as good as mine.”
“I’ll take Wyatt upstairs,” Isabel said, taking the small boy from Matt. She turned but stopped on the first stair.
Avery rushed to her side. “Momma, is he too heavy for you?”
“Not at all, mi hija.” She patted Avery’s cheek with her free hand. “This has gone on too long. I’ll grab a book and sit in Wyatt and Jessica’s room. Let me know if you need me.”
Avery sucked in a long, deep breath and turned back to Matt.
“Mac, what’s going on? What did Isabel mean? What’s been going on too long? And why would you need her?”
She sighed, resigned. This was not how this was supposed to go. She had a whole speech planned. “Have a seat, Matt.”
His chest rose and fell with a giant exhale. “I think I’d rather stand.”
“Um, okay. So. Well. I’ve wanted to tell you this since that first day in the studio.” She paced around the island and back. She didn’t know if she wanted to be close to him when she finally told him or if putting the island between them was a better strategy. “Actually, longer than that.” She looked down, unable to make eye contact with him.
“So, tell me now.”
“I’m not sure where to start.”
“The beginning is always a good place.”
“You sure you don’t want to sit?”
He fisted his fingers in his hair. “Mac.”
“It’s about why we broke up.”
“We?” he scoffed.
She rubbed her collarbone, but it only seemed to spread the fire burning in her chest. “Fine, why I broke up with you.”
“I’m listening.”
Avery stopped pacing and lifted her eyes to Matt’s. “First, I really was worried about you being gone so much. I saw what each deployment did to my parents’ marriage. But that wasn’t the only reason.”
“Go on,” Matt said, circling a shaky hand in the air.
Here goes nothing. “About two weeks before graduation, I found out I was pregnant.”
Matt’s eyes widened, and he stumbled. He gripped the back of the bar stool. “What?” he hissed out.
“Must have been a faulty condom.” Nice one, Avery. That’s not what he cares about.
He wasn’t screaming, so that was good, right?
“You’re telling me you broke up with me because you were pregnant with my child?” He rubbed his temples, pacing back and forth, stopping abruptly. “Unless it wasn’t my baby? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” His voice was rising.
“God, no, Matt. Of course, it was your baby.”
“So, let me see if I have this correct? You and I had planned a life together. Hell, I got down on one knee and asked you to marry me, and you said no and broke up with me because you were pregnant. I thought your previous reasons were ludicrous, but you’re going to have to help me with this, Mac.”
The fire spread through her arms and legs and her fingers convulsed. She gulped air and grabbed her thighs to stop the shaking. “I couldn’t do it,” she said, her voice breaking on the last word.
“Couldn’t do what?” He was pulling at his hair, making it stand straight up. “Have a baby? Tell me I was going to be a father? What?” The last word was loud enough Momma was sure to have heard.
He stopped moving, his body reverberating as if a thought suddenly smashed into him. “Where is this baby now? Did you have an abortion? Did you give the child up for adoption? Am I going to have some kid showing up on my doorstep claiming I’m its father?” He slammed a hand on the counter.
She reached for him, but he pulled his arm away like her touch burned him. “No, none of that. Matt, if you calm down, I’ll tell you the whole story.”
“Calm down? Calm down? I thought you left me because I wasn’t good enough and now, I’m learning you didn’t think I could support you and be a good father. Good god, Amy-Lynn, did you think so little of me? Do you think so little of me?”
“No.” The tears she’d been holding back leaked from the corners of her eyes. “It was because I thought so much of you.”
“You’re going to need to explain that.”
“I didn’t want to trap you.”
“Trap me? I was already committed to you.”
She lost all control of her emotions. The tears started in earnest. “I didn’t want to trap you into marrying me, like what happened with my mom and dad,” she yelled. “Then you’d resent me just like my parents resented each other.” She tried lowering her voice, but it wasn’t working.
“They got married because of me. I was the unplanned pregnancy. I’m to blame for their terrible marriage. I told you, I’m to blame for my father’s death!”
“Stop being ridiculous! He died serving his country!”
Ridiculous? She reared back as if he’d struck her. “If I hadn’t been born, he would still be alive! I couldn’t do the same thing to you!” She was nearly panting now, tears dripping off her chin. “I didn’t tell you to save you from all that.”
“You made decisions for me.”
“I know, I know,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry. I was stressed and scared. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
His face went blank and his voice froze over. “And if hadn’t walked into your studio, you’d never have told me?”
“I’d like to think I’d have told you, eventually. But I don’t know.” Now was not the time to shrink from the truth.
“You let me make love to you. You let me think we might have a chance again. Was that part of your plan?”
“No, no. No! I just knew that the minute I told you, this”—she waved between them— “would happen. I never stopped loving you, and I wanted a little time with you. I was selfish. Please try to understand.”
“I’m not sure I can. Amy-Lynn, we were twenty-two, not seventeen like your parents. We’d planned a life together.”
She sniffled, wiping her nose with her hand. “I know, but . . .”
“But what?”
She sucked in a breath, trying to slow her breathing, and yanked a paper towel from its holder, running it over her face. “I was protecting you.”
His eyes popped open and flashed with anger. “Protecting me? What if I didn’t want to be protected?”
She slumped into a chair at the breakfast table and covered her face with her hands.
“What happened to the baby, Amy-Lynn?”
The memory ripped through her, and she sucked in a shuttering breath. “I miscarried at eleven weeks. That’s the other reason I never told you. The baby was gone. You were already working in Pigeon Forge.”
“What about the, wait let’s see if I can do the math, five weeks in between?”
She gnawed her thumbnail. “I picked up the phone every day. Knowing I should tell you, but all I could think of was the way my parents became strangers. It was a marriage that never should have been.”
He slumped onto a barstool like every ounce of energy had drained out of him. “But I asked you to marry me without knowing.”
She frowned at the tabletop. “I know it doesn’t make sense.”
“No, it doesn’t. And you know what else doesn’t make sense? You going through the trauma of a miscarriage alone. I don’t know what makes me angrier.”
Her head popped up. It had never occurred to her that he’d care about that. “I had Momma.”
“Does Jess know?” he asked, his voice soft.
“No. Only Momma knows—and now you.” She swallowed and prayed for a miracle. “Can you forgive me?”
Matt hung his head, his chest rising and falling like he’d just finished a marathon. “I don’t know, Amy-Lynn. I’ve always thought there was more to our break-up than the reasons you gave, but this is on an entirely different level. I suppose I could come to forgive you. We were still basically kids. But I’m not sure I can ever trust you again.”
“Matt,” she pleaded, reaching out for his arm.
He pulled it away. “No. I need some time to think.” He grabbed his keys from the counter and turned toward the door.
“Matt,” she said, softer this time. He stopped but didn’t turn. “Will you be at the show on Monday?”
He whirled around and locked eyes with her. She expected anger, but all she saw was hurt and disappointment. That was so much worse. “Fuck, Amy-Lynn, you drop a bombshell like this, and you’re worried about your goddamn show?”
“No, I just meant . . .”
“Forget it,” he said, yanking open the door and letting it slam behind him.
“Wyatt’s asleep,” Isabel said softly. How long had she been sitting at the table? It felt like hours, but likely it had only been minutes.
“You mean he didn’t wake up when World War 3 broke out down here?” Avery attempted a smile that she knew just twisted her lips into a grimace.
“You okay?” her mother asked, sliding into the chair opposite.
“Not even a little bit. But at least it’s out in the open. It’s one less piece of baggage to carry around. Though I suppose I could replace it with guilt, for all the pain I caused him.”
“About that baggage,” Isabel said, her voice still soft, like she was trying to communicate with a spooked animal. “Apparently, you and Matt are not the only ones who need to clear the air. You and I need to talk about a few things. About your father and me. And some things you said.”
Her grimace deepened. “You heard that?” She’d hoped that only the sound had carried, not the actual words. She’d never spoken to Momma about any of this.
“Honey, the people getting gas at the corner mart heard it.”
Avery winced. “Sorry.”
Isabel rubbed Avery’s back. “I can’t believe you have been carrying the burden of our marriage—and your Daddy’s death around. How long have you felt this way?”
“Pretty much since I did the math and figured out you were pregnant with me when you got married. So, since I was nine?” She laughed a mirthless laugh.
Isabel rubbed her sternum. “That hurts my heart.” She looked up, realization dawning. “But it does finally explain the anxiety. Did you tell your therapist about this?”
“Not exactly. I told her about feeling responsible to be the second breadwinner in the house once Daddy passed.”
“Why didn’t you come to me with this? Yes, finances were tight, but I had a budget. We had Daddy’s military benefits, and I worked as many hours as necessary to pay the bills.”
Avery shrugged. “I didn’t want you to work so hard. I wanted to give you and Jess more. And since it was all my fault . . .”
“Okay, enough.” Isabel grabbed both of Avery’s hands and squeezed. “Look at me. It’s time—well past time—we talked this out. I will not watch you continue to punish yourself for things you had no control over.”
“But —”
“No buts. Yes, I got pregnant. Your father and I decided together to get married. Even before my parents’ ultimatum. It was our decision. We thought we could make it work. And yes, it didn’t work out the way we planned. Unfortunately. But do you remember any fighting?”
Avery searched her memory. Not a single fight manifested in her mind. It felt far more like apathy than anger. “No. But I remember a lot of deployments. I figured Daddy just left every chance he got.”
“Those deployments were joint decisions, as well. Whatever you imagined they meant, it’s not the truth. You’re right about the love. It did die. But not because of anything sinister. We just grew up. We got married at eighteen and by the time we were adults, after a second baby, we just didn’t have a lot in common anymore. The love may have died, but the respect never did. He was a good father, mi hija. And we figured out a way to co-parent. We figured out how to share a house. For you and Jess.
“Your father’s death was a wartime tragedy and had nothing to do with you. Yes, his choices were because of you. But because he loved you so much and wanted to provide a good life for you—for all of us, not because he was running from a family he didn’t want.”
“Was Jess planned?” She had no idea why she wanted to know that. She just did. Searching for all the pieces of the puzzle, maybe?
“I know we McWilliams women do not have an impressive track record of planned pregnancies, but yes, she was planned. We made the mistake that so many couples make, that maybe another baby would rekindle our relationship.”
Avery wiped her tears on her sleeve.
Isabel smiled a sad smile and pulled a tissue from her pocket. She dabbed at Avery’s tears like she was eleven instead of thirty-one. “I’m so sorry you’ve taken on so many burdens and lost so much of your childhood—and if I really think about it, given up your early adulthood to provide for me and Jess. And I’m sorry I didn’t put the pieces together sooner.”
“You’ve had a lot on your plate,” Avery said, laying her head on her mother’s shoulder.
Isabel shook her head. “It’s no excuse.”
“I like taking care of you and Jess—and Wyatt.”
“I know you do, but it can’t be at the cost of your own life,” Isabel said, patting Avery’s leg.
Avery snuffled, and her pulse finally dropped from hare to tortoise. “Thanks for telling me all this.”
Her mother nodded and then grabbed her shoulders, squeezing. “There’s one more thing.”
Avery stiffened. “Yes?”
Isabel locked eyes with Avery. “Yes, you made some decisions you regret, but it’s time to forgive yourself. For my marriage. For Daddy’s death. For your pregnancy. And for not telling Matt.”
Avery’s eyes widened. “But you’ve always chided me for excluding him and not telling him.”
“Yes, I’ve always believed he deserved to know, but that is separate from you beating yourself up about it. And here’s a little more tough love. I think pushing him away—then and now—is just another way you’re punishing yourself.”
Avery’s first response was to deny it, but it rang true. She thought she’d pushed Matt away to save him, but had she really been protecting herself? Did she push him away before he walked away first?
Did she trust relationships so little?
“Oh, Momma, I’ve made such a mess of things.” She should have told him when he asked her to marry him. She should have told him after that first day at the station. And she certainly should have told him before they slept together.
“Do you love him, Amy-Lynn?”
Avery sniffled and nodded. “I’ve never stopped.”
Isabel clasped Avery’s fingers in her own. “Does he love you?”
“Does it matter? It’s not like he’ll trust me again.”
“I know I may not be the one to give advice on this subject, but the heart is a very resilient muscle. Do you think he still loves you?”
“Yes,” Avery whispered. “He’s hinted at it.” He’d done more than hinted, but if Avery admitted it out loud, her heart would surely shatter. Right here. Right now. In a million little pieces.
“Then there’s a chance.”
Avery raised her eyebrows at her mother.
Isabel smiled. “It might be a slim chance, but it’s still a chance. Try explaining again. Tell him how you feel.”
Avery twisted her hands in her lap. She desperately wanted to believe in that tiny chance. “How do I even get him to hear me out?”
“You are one of the strongest, most resourceful women I know.”
“In my professional life. My personal life is a giant clusterfuck.”
Isabel chuckled. “Maybe it’s time to tell Amy-Lynn to take a back seat and let Avery Lind take charge.”
How many times had she told herself the same thing? “But —"
“Matt!” Wyatt yelled from upstairs. “Matt come!”
Isabel laughed. “Seems like you’re not the only one who’s taken with Mr. Taylor.”
Avery rose from her chair.
“No,” Isabel said. “I’ll get him, and Jess will be home soon. It’s time to start taking care of yourself.”
She circled her fingers around her mother’s arm. “But Momma, he’s getting heavy, you shouldn’t be lifting him.”
Isabel sniffed and waved Avery off. “Nonsense. The doctor said I should keep as active as possible, especially in periods of remission.”
Avery cocked her head and pursed her lips. “Momma.”
Her mother mimicked her expression. “Amy-Lynn. We’ve all leaned on you too long. That stops now.”
Avery watched her mother walk to the stairs. Take care of myself? Where would she even begin? She was pretty sure the answer wouldn’t be found on a to-do list or a spreadsheet. The answer existed in only one place.
Her heart.