Why Do You Want a Man in Your Life So Much?
The first issue I must deal with here is that of children. Forgive me; I won’t be dealing with this extensively. But I do want to say this:
If you want a baby, go ahead and do it.
Shocked? Why, isn’t this the 21st Century? Find a sperm donor. Of course, ideally, a child would have two involved parents married to each other, but not to state the obvious, ideals and reality rarely match up.
Soon we will reach a divorce rate of fifty percent which doesn’t say much for relationships, does it? But worse, what does it say about the children of those failed marriages? It says their lives become tainted by uncertainty and loss, however well the separation may be handled.
Uncertainty is, of course, part of life, but let me illustrate for you how negative a force uncertainty can be. You know of the famous experiments Pavlov did on his dogs? Bell rings, food arrives, dogs salivate. Soon they learn to dribble at the bell ring because they know that bell time is food time. When bell time ceases to be food time, they stop dribbling at the bell.
But do you know what happened when the bell sometimes meant food and sometimes not? The dogs got very upset, and not only when it happened. They started being stressed and upset all the time. Poor dogs.
The point is, the uncertain place is one of the most difficult places to be. If you make the decision to have a child by yourself, then you are making the certain commitment that you will do everything for him or her. There may be a sperm donor daddy with some involvement beyond the baster. You may have purchased the little wrigglers from the Internet. But the point is you control the process.
And a child, wanted so very much that a brave, wonderful, powerful woman decided to go it alone and make that baby? Well, that child has a better start in life than a child made by a mum who married a dad because she thought he would do, and tick-tock-tick, she really, really needed to be getting on with it. Surely, of all the marriages likely to fail, such a union has to be in the highest risk category. These “gotta-get-on-with-it” marriages can’t be the best start for children, who will I am sure, have a greater chance than most of ending up in that uncertain divorcing parents spot.
I know how hard it would be to have a child by yourself. Of course, it would be incredibly hard. But people do achieve incredibly hard things if they want them badly enough. So if you want a baby, make a baby. And chuck this book in the bin because it’s all I have to say about that.
So, other than procreation, why else do we want a bloke? Let’s imagine we’re at a seminar together. Answers from the room, please. Yes?
Sex
Ah, sex. The heady, horny, delicious love-making in the early stages of a relationship. Some women claim they can sustain that first-few-times thrill for months, years. Good for them. I certainly can’t. Surely what starts as, “Oh, wow,” commonly becomes, “Oh, you again.” And ladies, we of course have the Rabbit and his various less garish and more discreet cousins. And their guaranteed outcome. And nowadays, there is really no stigma attached to having a vibrator. And, if that’s not enough and you want actual sex, well a woman can generally find it. Just make sure you use protection if you’re thinking about the casual route.
Next?
Companionship
A friend. A shoulder. A listening ear. A kindred soul to share life’s joys with and help commiserate life’s sorrows. Now, I may have been unlucky but my experience has been more like the following examples:
You say: I have the biggest piece of gossip on that new girl at work.
He says: Why would I care? I have never met her.
Your girl buddy says: Ooh, really? Tell all, then I’ll tell you what my boss did today. You will not believe it!
You say: I’m a bit low at the moment. I don’t really know why.
He says: You must know why. There must be a reason.
Your girl buddy says: Oh, hon, I’m sorry. Let’s catch up tonight and we’ll talk it through. We’ll do a nice take out and a bottle of wine at mine.
Now I could go on and on and on in this vein, and as I said, maybe it’s me, but honestly, don’t your girl pals so often offer more real fun, more real companionship, and more real support than men?
It’s a big generalisation, I know. Not all friends are there for you, and not all men are not; but I do not believe that the need for companionship and/or emotional support is the primary motivator behind most women’s IWAB. Most women are blessed with at least one or two friends to whom they can turn to and tell anything to, any time. And these may be male friends, too! I have often found my male friends to be more supportive than any partner.
Another hand in the room as we look for reasons to be IWAB. You?
Money
See babies – make your own!
You?
Someone to go on holiday with
Tell me ladies, have you seen couples on holiday? Again, I know it’s a big generalisation, and of course lots of couples have a very nice time. But many don’t. How many of them are struck dumb at dinner? Actually, I see that all the time, let alone on holiday. And surely it isn’t just me who has heard endless fights through paper thin hotel walls? I have had those fights too. But always with a holiday companion bloke partner, never with the holiday companion girl buddy. With her, you’re more likely to be guffawing over the hilarious time you’ve just had telling the two Swedish boys you are Master Plumbers, but then not being able to answer any question about U-Bends. Oops.
The thing is, in your IWAB imagination, the perfect relationship you are waiting for doesn’t have any bad bits. The reality is likely to be very different.
Any more suggestions?
No.
No more hands.
Now, if you eliminate all the above and find you are still very much IWAB then there is clearly something else going on. There is another driving need which makes you want a man. And what is it? Sadly I think it may be this:
We want a man in order to confirm our worth
Sad, isn’t it? But I do think it’s true. You may look at your life and see that everything you could reasonably want is there except the elusive boyfriend. In truth, you want that boyfriend so badly as to see him as the key to completing yourself. You will deny this of course, but you do, if you’re honest with yourself, need a man to completely feel that you are of equal value to the other women who have blokes. i.e. you feel yourself to be a lesser woman, as no man has yet chosen you for keeps.
This, I feel, is the real crux of the issue. The self-esteem of a single woman is badly shaken by not having a partner. As Lee Reilly explains it in her excellent book Women Living Single. Reilly says we seek to have a primary relationship with one above all others. But for anyone, single or partnered, that primary relationship should always be with yourself.
Basically, you should choose you.
Now, in this book, we will work through some ways we can achieve this. Hopefully then, you’ll stop thinking that this sounds like so much same old self help shite. Hopefully, we will overcome the emptiness of that IWAB state of mind. We will be choosing life over the longing to be IWAB.
Wasn’t that Wham back in the eighties? Choose Life? Ha.