Spotting and Keeping the Right Sort of Guy
(should you want to)
On a bus. Did anyone ever meet anyone on a bus? Except in books? Anyway.
I’m sure you have already noticed a flaw in this slipper/trophy discussion. Quite simply, how do we know if a man really is a lovely slipper? After all, we have all met women we thought were dancing slippers who turned out to be spiky stilettos. “Well,” you think to yourself, “and I thought she was so nice too. Turns out she’s a right cow.”
Men too can turn out to be not as we thought. Which has happened all too often in my case, but was really more to do with my IWAB than anything else. My ability to ascribe great qualities and ignore bad ones in the men I dated was outstanding. These men so often turned out to not be what I made them to be in my head. Funny that.
But aside from the optimistic creativity of the hopelessly IWAB woman, a, rich, handsome strutter you may at first glance label “loafer” may in fact be a “lovely”; as in the case of my friend’s man. Some people are transparent. You can see who they are straight away. Some people are more opaque and you can’t. Not that there is anything wrong with that, they are just a bit harder to read.
As to whether a man turns out to be a loafer trophy or a lovely slipper? Well, this is the big question. If only they came with a definitive marking so we would know. A discreet tattoo on the inside wrist visible only to women. Handy. Maybe a bar code which you could scan into your iPhone and get a download of their dating history, with a few comments from former girlfriends. Alright I’m getting carried away. Just the tattoo would do.
There is a way of telling, though. Of course, being so IWAB I have often refused to act on it, despite knowing deep down what it meant. Not a mistake I will make again.
Incidents give the best illustration, so here is a series of incidents I think you will relate to.
Bottom line is, you need to identify if a man is uptight or non-uptight. Armed with that knowledge, you’ll know if he’ll ultimately turn out to be lovely slipper or loafer trophy.
Now, those of you lucky enough to have never encountered uptight man are probably bewildered that the rest of us have. “Why,” you ponder, “would any woman put up with that crap?” Then again, you’re probably not the woman reading this book. Those of us who are the weary daters of uptight man will breathe a sigh of tired recognition: every one of these incidents really happened to me or one of my wonderful dancing slipper girlfriends.
Incident One
He is driving and you are trying to read the map but you can’t work it out.
Reaction of non-uptight man
He laughs, pulls over, works out where you are and ruffles your hair. Okay, the hair ruffling is pushing it a bit. A global study has shown the addition of a good natured hair ruffle to be extremely rare. There is only one fully documented occurrence, which was in 1972, a boyfriend called John who was ill-advisedly driving through Devon, England whilst smoking a large joint. Which must have been the thing which made him so mellow on this particular occasion as to ruffle the hair of his crap at map reading girlfriend.
Reaction of uptight man
Gets really mad. Not mock mad, but that, “God you are so stupid!” mad. A global study has shown that this will be happening between approximately two thousand couples at any given moment. Men stropping over their girlfriend’s map reading from Cape Town to Chipping Norton. A worldwide phenomenon.
Incident Two
You are in the gift shop attached to the Cheers bar in Boston. USA that is, not Lincolnshire, UK. He has bought a monumental number of souvenirs. You are, naturally, having a bit of a giggle about this.
Reaction of non-uptight man
“I know, I’m a sad case but I just loved the show.”
Reaction of uptight man – six hours on from him having bought his body weight (substantial) in Cheers souvenirs
“I don’t think it was very nice of you to make fun of me today. You know how important Cheers is to me and I think today you have not been a very nice person.”
Incident Three
You and your very best mate have been drinking champagne. It’s a southern hemisphere Christmas Eve and you are lucky enough to be staying at a house with a pool. You’re having a bit of a boogie woogie (naturally) to the Rat Pack Christmas CD. Your bloke drops by.
Reaction of non-uptight man
Joins in and has a glass of bubbles with you. Or if he is driving and can’t drink, at least doesn’t judge those of you who can get a little tipsy because after all, it’s Christmas
Reaction of uptight man
Arrives and does not join in. Four days later, whilst dumping you, mentions he didn’t like turning up to find us drinking. For the avoidance of doubt, this man is very much not a teetotaller. And yes, he does celebrate Christmas.
Incident Four
You arrive home from work with a small mayonnaise stain on your skirt.
Reaction of non-uptight man
“Hello, how was your day?”
Reaction of uptight man
“I see there is a sperm stain on your skirt. Who have you been sleeping with at the office?”
(Yes, I’m afraid this really did happen.)
Incident Five
You go to a party and have (you think, anyway) a really nice time. Now you are in the cab on the way home.
Reaction of non-uptight man
“Hey, fun night. We had a really nice time.”
Reaction of uptight man
“I can’t believe you said that.”
(You – “What? What did I say?”)
“You know! You know what you said!”
Incident Six
At an orang-utan sanctuary in Malaysia he is lucky enough to be the person a baby orang-utan takes a fancy to. Furry orange baby takes his hand.
Reaction of non-uptight man
“Wow! Shit, he looks like my dad. Hi, fella. God his hands are so human. Yeah, please take a photo, thanks. Smile now, Dad. Fuck, he is so cute.”
Reaction of uptight man
Well, not much, really.
So, are you getting the picture? I’m very sure that men could draw up a similar table of uptight and non-uptight women’s antics. We could do it ourselves. I’m not saying only men exhibit this boorish and boring behaviour. Yes, of course, we women are guilty of it too.
But the point is, a constantly uptight man will always be so. He will never, ever be a lovely slipper.
Of course, a lovely slipper man will be uptight occasionally. Just like us dancing slipper women will. But consistent, unprovoked, unreasonable uptight behaviour is a clear indication that a man will always be hard to form a happy relationship with. Men (and women) who behave in this way are unhappy in their own heads. And that unhappiness seeps out of their pores and into yours.
You want to change an uptight guy? Go for it, you brave girl. If he can’t or won’t, which is very likely (sorry); move on. You are a dancing slipper. And if the hard heels of a mean man want to tread on your fun life, leave him. I mean it. He is never going to make you happy. And as you have discovered that a life without a him can make you very happy, pluck this he weed out of your garden! Do it right now.
But what of the men who do make us happy? Let’s say you’ve found a lovely slipper, and despite his hairy back or super messy flat, you are starting to feel that this guy could be it. You share attraction, and friendship. The thought of him gives you that nice squirmy feeling in your tummy... maybe, this time.
Another illustration is called for. Many years ago I met a man to whom I was instantly attracted. Sadly, this lovely slipper saw fit to send me a red rose every week for the month we were together. Then for Christmas he bought me gold earrings/a Celine Dion CD/a CD player, because after he bought the CD, he remembered I didn’t have one, and finally, an enormous basket of stuff from The Body Shop. This was a long time ago and we were young, so let’s give all this excess giving a 21st Century equivalence of say, the gift of an iPad on a second date.
And how did this romantic bounty make me feel? How is it making you feel? One word:
Ew.
Now, the reason I’m telling you this is because we have to work out what we do which may provoke that same ‘ew’ reaction in men. This is dating how to territory. A hundred books all saying the same thing, “Treat them mean, keep them keen.” I hate all that stuff because firstly, I am hard wired soft and struggle to be mean, and secondly, as Lee Reilly says, it feels wrong to be told how to act – how you should be different from your normal self.
But the truth is that what I thought of in the past as being my normal self with a boyfriend, was not in fact being normal, and did engender the dreaded ‘ew’. For example, if a guy stayed over at my place on a Saturday night, the usual Sunday morning pattern would be this;
I got up before him and had a discreet, mini make up application in the bathroom to ensure I didn’t look grey and haggard. Then I would lay out breakfast in a stylized magazine kind of a way, with milk in Cath Kidston jug, and triangular toast in Cath Kidston toast rack. Or I would bring said breakfast, along with Sunday paper, up to the still in bed man.
Now, is this being me? Of course not. If my best mate stays over on a Saturday night I might throw some tea and toast at her on Sunday morning once she has dragged herself up. Clearly I wouldn’t be trying to cover up any errant pimples from her view and I would so read the paper first.
Sadly, what I saw as being nice, I now realise would have produced the same reaction as the roses and the too many prezzies did in me. Namely, “Ew, this is too much.” Whilst semi-enjoying the pampering, the he would also get a distinct whiff of wifeliness from my breakfast behaviour. It would have reeked of me seeking commitment, which back in those full on IWAB days, I probably was. And being all Nigella Lawson was a way I thought I could win it. Whereas in fact, the exact opposite is true.
If you find a lovely slipper, a nice non-uptight man who makes you happy, don’t stop being who you really are. If you love your single life you will naturally be you anyway, but wanting it too much makes us go all try hard.
If you don’t want it too much, all else will fall into place, and you will be able to make the right relationship work – should you want to.