—Let’s fly, let everything go and fly away.
I still remember those words posted on the wall of the room Gwanghi-hyeong was renting on top of the hill in Yaksu-dong. It wasn’t until long after she died that I realized their meaning.
Her death was a huge shock to all of us. We couldn’t help but feel betrayed when someone who had studied with us, who had been such a big influence, so easily took her own life. But more than anything, the world we had learned about and believed in together had suddenly shattered. We were left in total chaos. Sooim said it was because of that that she couldn’t forgive her.
Why Gwanghi-hyeong killed herself will forever be a mystery to me. But I felt those words she left behind penetrate deeper and deeper into my heart as time passed. Wasn’t it freedom she wanted more than anything else? She said she wanted to become a bird, to throw off everything that was holding her down, to be truly free and nothing else. But could a human being ever be truly free? And what does it mean, anyway, to become free from all the shackles of reality?
I don’t know, but I think that, for a long time, I also dreamed of that freedom, just like Gwanghi-hyeong. So many shackles around weak and delicate ankles, but I couldn’t find the strength to shake them off of myself, the ones that were holding me back.
I couldn’t keep going to school, and yet I couldn’t just quit and become a source of heartache for my mother. I couldn’t throw myself headlong into a faith in the progress of history. I was going around in circles, between my struggle and my skepticism, and I didn’t have the inner strength to do anything about it. But even if I did have that strength, the problem was still there.
The question was, what did I really want? Where is there freedom without desire? Unfortunately, I didn’t know what it was I truly desired, and so I was stuck in a laughable self-contradiction of constantly wanting to be free without even knowing what it was I wanted to do. What do I want to become? No, what am I now, in the present? Who am I?
Everyone treated “me” as someone other than myself. My mother, my friends like Sooim, my professors. But I couldn’t accept the “me” they were all pressuring me to be. I don’t know, but maybe my coming to this mining town was because of my need to get away from them. But now you also want me to be what I am not. You’re all trying to turn me into the activist that I could never be in real life. How ridiculous, right?
“Jeong Shinhye, are you asleep?”
Shinhye struggled to open her eyes. She saw the vaguest silhouette of a man’s backlit face. Even after she realized it was Inspector Nam, it took her a moment to recover her senses.
“I’m sorry to wake you, but you’ll have to get up and come with me.”
She looked at the clock—it was just past two a.m. He led the way up the stairs and down the desolate hallway and took her once again into the room labeled Anti-Communist Section.
The chief was alone at his desk, eating ramen. As Shinhye stood, waiting for him to finish, her stomach gurgled shamelessly. Inspector Nam sat by the stove. He didn’t speak, but from the harsh sound of his breathing, it was clear that he was drunk.
“So, Jeong Shinhye, have you thought it over?” the chief asked, wiping his gleaming lips. “You know, we can’t even go home because of you. If you’d just cooperate a little, we’d all be fine. Why do you have to be so stubborn?” He wiped his oily face, blew his nose, and threw the tissue into the empty noodle bowl. Then, with a satisfied expression, he looked at Shinhye.
“Look, you were stubborn. You preserved your self-respect. It’s time to end it now! Do you think you’re the only one who’s suffering? We’re suffering too! We all know how this works, so what’s the point of dragging it out any longer? Sign this!”
He pushed the statement at her again.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t admit to things I didn’t do.”
The chief stared at her in silence for a moment, his face twisted. Suddenly he spat, “You fucking bitch!
“You’re really impossible, aren’t you? It’s the first time I’ve seen a vile thing like you plugged up both front and back. I told you you’d regret it! Inspector Nam! Get her out of here. Get it over with by tonight! Where do you want to do it? Room 305 is pretty quiet, isn’t it?”
Shinhye stood up, her legs shaking. Fear, by now, had become a kind of routine. She followed Inspector Nam upstairs to the third floor, down to the end of a dark and narrow windowless corridor, and arrived at the corner room. Perhaps because it was so early in the morning, there wasn’t a soul to be seen there. Everything seemed strangely silent.
“You and me meeting like this is really unfortunate—a tragedy,” Inspector Nam said as they entered the room. “I told you when I first saw you, didn’t I? If we’d met under different circumstances, it could have been so beautiful.”
He was looking at her with a faint smile. His breath smelled of alcohol, but his face was pale.
“Me, I’m not like the others,” he said. “Tonight you and I are going to finish it, right here. Understand?” He left her standing while he got himself a chair and sat down.
“Do you know why they sent me out here to the boonies?”
He kept his eyes fixed on her as he answered himself.
“Back in Seoul I killed a man while I was questioning him. Just bad luck.”
Shinhye thought he must be lying, but she also knew he could just as well be telling the truth.
“Look, I don’t really want to tell you this stuff. But even if I kill you, all I’d get is a dressing-down.”
“Are you planning to kill me?”
“Why? Is that what you want?”
“No, I want to live.”
He gave her another faint smile.
“Nobody wants to be a murderer, but accidents at work do happen. After all, some people are born lucky, but others have terrible fates. Me, I think of our meeting as fate, and I’d rather not make it a bad one. So I’ll tell you one more time. This is really your last chance. Are you going to sign the statement or not?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t admit to things I haven’t done.”
“Is that it?”
There was a strange light in his eyes.
“Alright then. I don’t know what kind of uppity bitch you are, but this’ll be hard for me.”
He stood up and suddenly undid Shinhye’s belt. Her borrowed pants were so baggy she was afraid they’d slide off when the belt came out. She was confused about what he was about to do. She thought for a moment that he was going to beat her with the belt, but instead he took it and hung it from a nail in the wall.
“Do you know why I’m hanging this here?” he asked, looking Shinhye in the eye. “You don’t know, but you might need it later. If it comes to the point that you can’t take any more, you may want to hang yourself with it.”
The belt dangling there reminded her of a gallows she had seen in a movie. And even while she believed the inspector’s horrible threat was just another thing meant to intimidate her, she felt the chill of terror course through her body all the same.
“How many times did you sell yourself since you got here?”
He pulled the chair back and sat down in front of her.
“I never sold my body.”
“Is that the truth?”
“Yes.”
“Then was there a time you slept with a guy for free? If you were seducing miners to raise their consciousness, you must have used your body, right?”
“I never did that.”
“Not even once? With Kim Gwangbae?”
“No, I’ve never done such a thing.”
“Then are you telling me you’re a virgin? Really?”
She bit her lip and said nothing more.
“Well then! I’ll have to confirm it for myself. Lift up your shirt.”
When Shinhye didn’t immediately understand what he wanted, he raised his voice.
“Fucking bitch, didn’t you hear me? I said lift up your shirt!”
She wanted to protest but couldn’t get her mouth to open. Her body had become petrified with a new kind of fear she had not known until then.
“Listen to me, or this is gonna be hell for you! It’s after two in the morning. Nobody’s coming into this room. I can do whatever the fuck I want to you, and no one’s around to blink an eye. Understand? So if you don’t want to get fucked up, you’d better do what I say!”
As if she were controlled by an irresistible force, Shinhye lifted her T-shirt and undershirt with a shaking hand to reveal her bare skin. With her other hand she held on to the waistband of her pants, which were hanging loosely on her hips with the belt gone, afraid they might slip down. The inspector stood up and went behind her. It felt as if his hand brushed against her back, and in the blink of an eye Shinhye’s bra, unhooked, fell to her feet.
“Keep your shirt up. Don’t move!”
He sat down again and regarded her body with the frank eye of a surgeon, and after a moment, her shame seemed to disappear. What remained was a bottomless pit of terror.
“You’ve got great tits,” he said with a sigh.
His Adam’s apple moved up and down, and Shinhye could hear him swallowing his saliva. He walked to a metal cabinet mounted on the wall where there was a small transistor radio on top. He took a few moments to adjust the dial this way and that, and a sweet, soft pop song began to play, seeming to come from another world.
“You—you look so much like my first love. I couldn’t believe it when I saw you.”
Still holding her T-shirt up, Shinhye’s hands were shaking. Heat seemed to radiate from the inspector’s eyes, and he followed the rhythm of the song on the radio, his lips popping ba-bam ba-bam to the beat.
“Why are you doing this?” she said.
Suddenly, his hands were on her breasts.
A pleading sound came from her mouth but her body was paralyzed, unable to move. He moved his hands slowly, and his eyes seemed to get heavier and heavier as if he were drowsing in some sort of fantasy.
Memories can make the past shine again like a jewel. And so we dedicate this nostalgic pop song, “Unchained Melody,” to make this night a memorable one for you…
“Stop it! Please…”
“Be quiet,” he whispered into her ear, his voice hoarse. His breath was like an animal panting. “You’re just saying that. You’re actually enjoying it, aren’t you?”
She thought that maybe none of this was real. Rather, like when she was having a nightmare when she was little, if she earnestly repeated, “This is a dream, this is a dream,” she would awaken from it enfolded in her mother’s familiar smell. Her need to believe this was so intense she thought she might be going mad.
“Looks to me like you lied when you said you’re a virgin,” Nam whispered again, pressing his face close to hers. “I can tell by looking at your breasts. I’m an expert when it comes to women. You have lots of experience with men, don’t you?”
To overcome her fear, Shinhye tried to muster all the hate in her heart, but he was too loathsome, and she found herself choking with dread as she drew back and saw his bloodshot eyes below her chin.
“Take your pants off,” he ordered in a rough whisper. “You can scream, but it’s useless. It would be better for you just to do as I say or this’ll end up being a lot worse than it has to be.”
It occurred to her that he might be purposely torturing himself. He must have been fully aware that he was about to commit an unforgivable crime.
“You want me to strip you myself?” he said, grabbing the waistband of her pants. She collapsed, but in the next instant he had a fistful of her hair and pulled her back up to her feet.
“So will you take them off? Or do I have to do it?”
She lowered her pants with her own hands. But even after they had fallen to her feet, he wordlessly gestured with a finger. It meant she should take off her panties, too. A young man’s soft voice still came over the radio. “The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes…” Have you ever felt that way, dear listeners? It’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” the theme song from Play Misty for Me, a movie that shows how great love is, but how it can feel like a gift from the stars and the moon, but how it can also be the most frightening thing in the world.
The cold enveloped her nakedness, raising goose bumps over her entire body. Whatever it was he wanted, she wanted to avoid the thing she feared most. And not even knowing what that was, what she wanted most of all was to avoid it.
“Get up here,” Nam said, pointing at the desk.
Strangely, now that she had taken off all her clothes, she found herself unable to resist. She climbed onto the desk like an animal obeying a command. Her legs shook. Standing on top of the desk, she saw a red cross. It was pitch-black outside the window, and the red light of the cross stood out as if it had been carved into the darkness.
Why did that cross suddenly appear before my eyes? What does it mean at this moment? Is it there to relieve my suffering? Is it just a lit-up sign made of wood or steel—what sort of salvation or providence could it be?
Shinhye shuddered as she thought this to herself. Even then, she could not find a single word of prayer. Instead, the cold and doubting person she was had to suffer a terror and despair beyond what she could endure.
She was intensely aware of the fact that there was no possible rescue. This covering of flesh, wrapped around her, thick and heavy like armor. If God was punishing her now, maybe it was for not believing in anything, not even knowing her own desires, never having truly loved anyone other than herself….
God, forgive me, she prayed, silently looking at the cross. If all of this is for the sins I have committed, please forgive me. Please make it stop.
“Sit down,” the inspector said. He was sitting in the chair looking up at her.
She obeyed, sitting hunched over, trying to cover her nakedness as best she could with her hands. But he would not allow it.
“Put your hands on your head.”
His eyes gleamed as he devoured every part of her body. Shinhye knew she could never erase that face, every tiny nuance of expression, from her memory. She felt as if she was suffocating with despair and shame, but all she could do was close her eyes.
“Spread your legs,” he said in the same dry monotone. “Wider.”
God, forgive me, forgive me. She clung to that short prayer as if it could, by some miracle, save her now.
“You think I’m a pervert, don’t you? Tell me. Right?”
“N-no…”
“It’s alright. You can tell me the truth, because I really am.”
His hand dug into her groin, and she doubled over, screaming. He silenced her harshly.
“You make another sound, and I’ll shove my hand up your cunt and rip out your uterus. You won’t be able to get married or have children.”
To Shinhye, his words were no longer just a threat. She imagined he was capable of doing anything. What truly scared her was that she had no way of knowing what he would do next.
She bit her lip to hold back a scream. Nam’s hand stroked her leg, which was bristling with goose bumps, and gradually slipped up toward her belly. She wished that every cell in her body capable of sensation would go numb.
“Are you really a virgin?”
His gleaming lips came closer. The smell from his mouth was disgusting, and as she tried to endure the nausea he pushed his hand between her legs. She arched her back, screaming.
“Stop it. I’m just checking if you’re really a virgin or not.”
She shut her eyes as his fingers wriggled between her legs. From her lips leaked an animal moan that did not seem to come from her. God, forgive me. Please forgive me…She repeated those words in her mind as if they could miraculously rescue her from all her suffering.
“Hey, want me to show you something nice?” Nam stood up and began to unbuckle his belt. Shinhye shook her head vigorously.
“Come on, look at it.” His voice was hoarse. It sounded like it was coming out of a deep cave. Shinhye kept her face averted, her eyes shut so tight it hurt. He grabbed her chin and turned her face toward him.
“Open your eyes,” he said. “Open them!”
His strong fingers dug into her chin, and she felt a stabbing pain as if her neck would break. Her eyes opened involuntarily.
“So, what do you think?”
She saw his gleaming eyes and the whiteness of his teeth—undeniably the face of an animal. He forcibly twisted her head so she was facing his open fly. She desperately tried not to look, but she closed her eyes too late. The image was indelible, like a cut that would never heal, and she would not be able to erase it until the day she died.
“So how does it feel? First time you’ve seen one, huh? Take a good look.” He was still clutching her chin in one hand. He was clearly enjoying himself now. With his other hand, he pressed downward on her head. His penis, released from his pants, was right in front of her eyes. A thick animal smell assaulted her nostrils. She made a retching noise and vomited.
“Fucking bitch!”
He pushed her head back, but even released from his grasp, she couldn’t help the dry heaves that came up her throat.
“I’ll do whatever you want,” she said. “I’ll write a statement. Just please stop.”
“You should have done that before. It’s too late now.”
“Please—I’m begging you. Just listen to what I’m saying. I’m not that. I’m not the kind of girl you all think I am. Something went terribly wrong here. I’m not a subversive. I’m not even an activist. It would be great to have that kind of courage or conviction. But I’m not strong like that. I’m weak…and afraid. And suspicious…”
She began to blurt out anything that came to mind—anything to escape the suffocating agony and terror.
“I’m an ignoramus,” the inspector said. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” His eyes burned with a terrible fire, as if some immeasurable rage was about to explode from inside.
“Bitch! What are you so worried about, anyway? Why are you making everything so hard and complicated? I hate girls like you. You make it look like all the problems in the world are on your shoulders, you make easy things hard for no reason, you bitch about stuff and make innocent people suffer…. People like you need to disappear to make the world a better place to live. You understand? Today I’m gonna show you what the world is really like and what life is all about!”
He pushed her roughly onto her back on the desk. She could see him taking off his pants. Overcome by fear and anger, she could no longer plead with him. She wanted to say something, but no sound would come out, as if something was blocking her throat.
He pressed his weight down on top of her body. She desperately tried to resist, but she realized it would be impossible. “You’ll be the ruin of us, you bitch!” Her mother’s face appeared before her eyes. She tried to recall all the faces she knew and desperately called out their names one by one in her mind. But she was too far away from them, she was too far from the world.
She felt something with her hand. A large glass ashtray. She lifted it and slammed it down on his skull with all her might.
“Ah!”
The inspector screamed, straightening up, his hands holding his head. She slammed the ashtray into him again. She quickly sat up, jumped off the desk, and ran for the door. Cursing, with blood streaming down his forehead, Nam tried to catch her. But it took a moment for him to pull up his pants, and in that time Shinhye was just barely able to turn the handle and open the door. She found herself in the empty hallway lit only by fluorescent lights. She cried out for help in the cold, barren space but what actually came out of her mouth was a barely audible moan, almost an animal whimper. She ran down the hall, the inspector following right behind her. She tumbled down the stairs, rounded a corner, collapsed onto the cold cement floor. She had collided with someone. She saw a young police officer in a blue uniform looking down at her in amazement, and then she lost consciousness.