Chapter Twenty-Two

Colin spent the next hour working at the shed after he’d given Liam the news about the barrels. He’d have to go back to the Salty Goat tonight. But he didn’t want to run into Peaches. Not until he’d had a chance to work everything through in his mind.

He didn’t know where their quarrel had come from exactly. He wasn’t even sure what they were fighting about at the beginning. He just knew they were fighting. But by the end, he knew exactly what the fight was about—him, and whether he’d really changed or was still the same feckless loser he’d been before.

The idea Peaches might think he’d leave again without telling anyone made his heart ache. I thought you knew me. But all you knew was what everybody told you. And you believed it.

He’d thought Peaches understood him, but now he wasn’t sure. He’d thought they’d had something, but now he doubted that, too. There had always been a slight distance between them, a space Peaches maintained. He’d managed to ignore it, but the more he thought about it, the wider it seemed.

He’d been in Antero for close to three months, working, keeping his head down, trying to prove he wasn’t the same man anymore. Trying to earn Dev’s approval after the fact, to be the man his uncle had thought he was.

He’d believed he’d been making progress. He’d believed people were beginning to accept him, to understand he was working to make up for the problems he’d created in the past. But every time he seemed to be reaching his goal, he slipped back again. He was beginning to think he’d never dig his way out.

Now he knew not even Peaches was willing to believe he’d changed. That was the part that hurt the most.

Maybe you should just pack it in, say the hell with it, and sign over your third of the brewery to Bec and Liam. Except he had nowhere else to go. At least, nowhere else he wanted to go.

He deliberately pushed thoughts of Peaches to the back of his mind. He wouldn’t consider how she fit into his future—or how he’d thought she might. Right now, it looked like she didn’t want any future with him. He couldn’t be with someone if he had to keep proving himself over and over again.

Peaches hadn’t known him before. Every experience she’d had with him was as the person he was now. She had no reason not to trust him, and he’d believed she did.

Of course, they’d never made any declarations to each other. Maybe he’d convinced himself he’d seen something that wasn’t really there.

He headed back to the Salty Goat around six thirty, later than usual because he didn’t want to talk to anyone just then. The deli was dark and empty. He told himself that was what he wanted—everyone gone home, just him and the cleaning supplies.

It’s time to start over. Time to look at reality. When he’d begun, he’d told himself not to impose on Peaches, to leave her alone. He hadn’t really followed through on that idea. He’d lulled himself into thinking a relationship was possible.

Now he was pretty sure it wasn’t. And maybe it was best not to make any long-term plans. He’d stay in Antero, working at the brewery, trying to create the beer that would convince Liam he could stay. But he wouldn’t slide into unrealistic ideas about the future.

It was time to get real, to look at his circumstances without all the phony optimism. He was a part-time janitor making minimum wage, trying to brew good beer for a bunch of people who had no expectations for him and who might never let him back into their good graces. That was reality, and he needed to accept it.

What he’d had with Peaches was temporary and way too good to be true. And now it seemed to be over. He probably needed to start looking for another job. And another place to live. Being around Peaches was likely to be painful. And he was done paying dues.

…

Colin didn’t do much more thinking during the next few days. He kept to himself as much as possible, coming down from his apartment when he knew the deli would be full of people, staying out all day as he worked on his honey beer.

He coordinated production with Liam. He was pretty sure Liam had heard he’d broken up with Peaches, but he didn’t mention it. Neither did Colin. He didn’t want to discuss it until he’d come up with a plan for what happened next. Of course, coming up with a plan wasn’t working out well.

If he didn’t have Peaches, what did he have?

Get over it. You had a life before you met her. And you’ll have a life after.

He’d seen her in passing. She’d been behind the counter when he’d come down in the morning, and she’d given him an automatic smile. The same automatic smile she gave to everyone who came through the door. He managed a nod, but a smile was beyond him. Still, he got the same throat-tightening ache whenever she was around, no matter how far away she was.

You haven’t known her long enough to feel this shitty.

He went back to the shed at the end of the week. The honey wheat had been fermenting for a few days, and he wanted to check it. It wouldn’t be ready to go to Liam yet, but he still wanted to make sure the mix was behaving itself.

He looked at the fermentation lock and studied the color, not that either one told him much. Patience. The brewer’s friend.

He was pulling on his jacket before heading back to the pub when the door opened and Bec walked in, her red hair in a fiery cloud around her head. He wondered if she was there to put a curse on the beer. She reminded him a little of some angry goddess. She gave him a slightly defiant look, her head held high. Then she dropped into a chair near the brew kettle.

“The consensus of opinion is I’m an asshole,” she said flatly.

Colin paused, letting the jacket drop onto his shoulders. “Yeah?”

She nodded. “Yeah. All the best people say so. Liam and Wyatt, anyway. So I’m here to say I got over myself.”

Letting her off the hook wasn’t currently in his practice. “What exactly does that mean, Bec?”

She gave him a dry smile. “It means I’m withdrawing my objections to you working in the main building. Liam says you’ve been doing good stuff, that your beer works in the pub. He said if your honey beer is good, you deserve to do your brewing in the main building instead of here. Wyatt agreed with him. I decided I need to stop being the queen bitch and let you start doing what you came here to do.”

Colin fought down a quick surge of elation. Right now, he wasn’t ready to trust it. He still hadn’t gotten Liam’s approval on the honey beer. He blew out a long breath. “Thanks. I appreciate it. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

She shrugged. “It wasn’t that hard. I think I got into the habit of blaming you for everything that went wrong. You know—if you hadn’t pulled out, such-and-such would never have happened. It was easy, but it wasn’t accurate.”

“I hope not. I didn’t want the brewery to go under.”

“We overextended ourselves when you were still here. We should have stayed with a smaller number of beers until we were making enough profit to justify the expansion.” She gave him a slightly guilty grin. “But it was so damn much fun.”

He let himself grin back. “It was. I’ve never worked on anything so crazy—or so cool. We made some great beer.”

“We did. I want to get some of that beer back on the menu. But I want to do it right this time, only expand as we have the money. Keep the small batches for the pub until we’re sure there’s a market out there.”

“Works for me.” He knew Liam had plans for developing some new beers based on what they’d done before.

“Right.” She pushed herself to her feet. “We need to start working on seasonals like everybody else in the state. We’re producing Liam’s saison for the spring, but we’ll need summer beers, too. If you’ve got any ideas, tell Liam.”

He nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

“Okay, I guess that takes care of everything.” Bec turned toward the door. Then she paused. “One more thing, though.”

Colin narrowed his eyes. He’d had a feeling it had all been too good to be true. Now he’d find out how accurate the feeling was. “What?”

She gave him a half smile. “Like I said, everyone is agreed I behaved like an asshole and needed to get over myself. But nobody feels that way about Peaches. She’s never sided against you. She’s the real deal.”

His throat felt tight, but he ignored it. “She is. But I don’t know if we’re together anymore. We had a fight.”

“I heard.” Bec started toward the door again. “Nobody knows what the fight was about, by the way. Peaches hasn’t even discussed it with Ruth.”

Colin managed not to grimace. Keeping secrets around this place was almost impossible. “Just as well. It’s between us.”

Bec nodded. “Okay, but here’s the thing: forgiving people can actually make you feel pretty good. I’m living proof.” She gave him a quick smile.

He found he was smiling back. “Good to hear.”

“Right, well, what do I know? Everybody thinks I’m an asshole.” She pulled the door open. “See you, Colin.”

“See you, Bec.” He dropped onto the camp stool near the fermenter, studying the brew inside once again. He should have felt great; he’d just been welcomed back into the fold, more or less. And he did feel good, no denying it.

But maybe he should think about Bec’s suggestion more seriously. Maybe forgiving Peaches would help with the hollow feeling in his gut. Maybe. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to do that yet.