1

“You shouldn’t be with him,” I heard pass through my brain as if through some internal tunnel.

There was no one in my immediate space, yet the words were loud and clear, and I was pretty sure the words had been said to me—despite the words echoing my own thoughts as I watched my boyfriend’s departing back.

Raymond was running off to his class, and his athletic, dark-skinned figure managed to look pretty ridiculous as a result of his bulky backpack combined with his queer careful-yet in-a-rush run.

I started looking around, feeling a bit paranoid and almost guilty.

For a moment I wondered if I was hearing things—who wouldn’t?—but then I looked all around me, turning my head one way then the other, and my eyes ended up locking with the solid baby blue of his—my secret crush, Daniel.

For some reason, I felt almost sure he was the source of the masculine-toned words I’d heard, particularly since his eyes met mine firmly and unabashedly from behind his glasses, his face uncharacteristically grim.

I wondered why he didn’t look away when I caught him; instead his lips stretched into a gentle smile, as they usually did when we happened to catch each other’s eye.

Then I realized Daniel was probably making a conscious effort not to look guilty; after all, how many times have I caught someone in the act of staring and thought how silly it was for them to pretend they hadn’t been looking?

So anyway, mystery solved, right?

Except for the part that the words I’d heard from Daniel were inside my own head.

I shouldn’t have been able to hear them even if they belonged to him, so did he really have anything to feel guilty about?

Just looking at me didn’t quite count as a crime, so clearly, I was trippin’.

I returned his slight smile and then watched him turn and walk away, presumably toward his own class.

I stared at his tall, pale, blond-headed figure for a moment, and then turned away quickly as if I’d been caught staring myself.

I couldn’t help smiling as a feeling of warmth traveled through me, and I was glad my boyfriend was nowhere near to witness a single bit of my brief interaction with Daniel.

I was still smiling when I eventually decided to head to my own class since all I could think quite happily was: it’s fall semester, the beginning of our senior year at college, and a whole lot of new possibilities were on the horizon.

“There must be a God,” I heard in the same masculine internal voice I’d heard earlier as I stepped into my English class.

I looked around at the sea of white faces of my classmates, disappointed to see that, once again, I’d be the only brown one—meaning I’d get to feel that crushing isolation of feeling different for another semester, the weight of about a billion others on my shoulders should I happen to speak and make myself even more conspicuous.

But what can I say? It’s the Midwest. Wisconsin, for crying out loud.

Then my eyes locked on one of those pale faces in particular—a face that had become not only familiar to me but kind of jarring ever since my crush developed on the person owning it.

I smiled when my eyes met Daniel’s for the second time that day and felt warmth rushing through me when he smiled back—again, ever so gently—but I didn’t dare sit anywhere near him.

I was glad to see that most of the spots around him had been filled anyway since I was getting somewhat rattled when I found myself standing too close to him before; I didn’t need to get thrown off again.

Even if my crazy theory was right and I had begun to hear—or imagine—his thoughts, I feel like my obvious nervousness around him would be much more revealing than the apparent leak in his brain.

To tell you the truth, I’ve been unable to get him out of my mind ever since I heard him mentioned in conversation the previous semester in the school cafeteria, and by my own boyfriend, no less.

I had barely been listening to the social noise that day as I sliced off another piece of meatloaf when a sentence filtered into my consciousness:

“Matthew, Daniel…they’re in the top five smartest guys in the entire school,” I heard Raymond say in his musical Trinidadian accent.

My ears perked up then.

Daniel? As in my Daniel?

Of course, I couldn’t say such a thing out loud—especially since it was my boyfriend who was speaking, and no way would he take me saying ‘my Daniel’ lightly.

His dark brown face would harden, his brown eyes going from soft caramel to wood.

Instead, I looked around our cafeteria table for a lifeboat—something else to focus on so I could pretend the direction of his conversation bored me.

I settled for examining the faces of my fellow international students—all the folks I considered my friends.

The usual crew was there—those who didn’t have class at the time, of course—the table a mix of Asian, white, black, and brown faces from all around the world and comfortable in the presence of other aliens, whether from Brazil, India, Nigeria, or Japan.

Once again, as I did every now and then, I felt a pang of regret as I looked at those beautifully diverse smiling faces that I wasn’t closer to some of them—I simply enjoyed and benefited from their company as a group. But perhaps it was a good thing—maybe I would have gotten tempted to mention my mini crush on Daniel to the wrong person, and maybe this moment would have been more dangerous as that person conspiratorially sent me a knowing look that Raymond could possibly pick up on.

In all honesty, Daniel had already gotten onto my radar about one year ago due to his aura or ‘spirit,’ as some of my relatives back home in Barbados would say (yeah, I’m aware I probably sound crazier and crazier). Anyway, Daniel sort of exuded good-naturedness, and he always had a ready smile for any and everyone like some gentle giant, in a way I was not used to from men. He just seemed like an all-around nice guy—super-pleasant with this radiance about him, like he emanated light, as cheesy as that sounds.

Plus he’s tall, and I have a thing for tall guys. He’s at least six feet five, and so was the first guy I fell in love with, the one before Raymond.

I also like guys with hair longer than average, and Daniel kept his medium-length blond hair in a ponytail.

He’s also of medium build, and despite him not generally being my type as a pale, blond, blue-eyed male, he made an impression, despite not even exuding heat or sexual energy; in fact, although not unattractive, he pretty much registered as a quiet nerd, if I’m gonna be completely honest. Now I have nothing against nerds, but I’m not really attracted to them, in general, either. But Daniel did look sort of adorable with his glasses—they made him look smart, and I’ll admit: I love attractive guys who look smart, but to find out Daniel was actually potentially off-the-charts smart? I felt my body come alive with excitement over this new knowledge and tried to make sure I didn’t give myself away.

Again, I was relieved I hadn’t mentioned my crush to anyone so far—not even the girl I went to high school with who also ended up at this same college with me, and who was the only other person I felt somewhat close to.

If my boyfriend had suspected my quiet crush, no doubt he would have already said something about it, so I had to be extra careful. I couldn’t risk Raymond catching wind of it—Raymond would neither laugh it off nor dismiss it as a silly, temporary thing like many crushes I know he must have had over time, before and during us. He would become outright hostile toward Daniel, and Daniel would have done nothing to deserve it but draw my attention away from him by simply being himself.

Since that day in the cafeteria last semester, I’ve been feeling more and more drawn to Daniel, even startling myself once as the thought came to me that I wanted him for myself.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him over the summer break.

His body did not stir me despite his delicious height, but his brains made me slightly interested in jumping his bones.

“I wish you were closer.”

There that sort-of-sexy disembodied voice was again, startling me in the general quiet as the professor’s faux-excited voice danced on about Latin-American histories.

I looked sharply in Daniel’s direction, but he was looking down in front of him at nothing as if daydreaming.

Why do you think it’s him, crazy? I asked myself as I turned away. Do you really want him that badly?

Then I suddenly felt terrified—he couldn’t hear me too, could he?

I looked at him again.

This time, I caught him looking away from me and I couldn’t help smiling to myself.

I wasn’t sure if he could hear me, but just knowing that I had captured his attention for an extended period, momentarily breaking his seemingly perpetual calm, was enough to make me unconcerned about the possibility at the moment.

I packed up quickly, once it was clear that class was about to end, with the intention of taking off as soon as possible and avoiding any real interaction with Daniel. But as the class mass-exited the classroom and I was about to settle into my usual breakneck walking pace, I heard, “So we finally have a class together.”

I froze, not sure if the voice had come from inside or outside of me. But the familiar feeling of a human timbre passing through my ear canal registered, orienting me.

I looked up, knowing it was him, and I realized he was just a half-step behind me.

“Yes,” I said, gathering myself. “I wasn’t aware you were an English major.”

“Actually, Biochemistry major with English minor.”

“Oh. Well, I wasn’t aware we shared a love for the English language enough to throw money at it for further exploration. Are you more into linguistics? Education concentration? Or writing?”

He said “writing” the same time I did and with some passion, which took me by surprise—passion wasn’t something I associated with him as I said before—he was always so even-keeled and relaxed. It didn’t matter that we lived in the Midwest and braved weather requiring layers upon layers upon layers—Daniel occupied space as if he were wearing flip-flops and an open beach shirt and trunks.

I marveled at the control I managed over my voice at that moment, despite my heart speeding up.

Somehow, him catching me off guard as I pondered the curriculum, beginning to mentally dig into the expectations of our shared Latin-American literature course worked in my favor, and I was able to pretend that all I felt for him right then was the pleasure of casual familiarity.

I consciously monitored my thoughts, still not sure what to make of what seemed like a sudden ability or affliction since I wasn’t sure if Daniel was afflicted with the same selective telepathy.

I soon realized we were walking in step together and had been doing so for a while in silence.

“What other classes do you have this semester?” I asked to break the unusually comfortable silence.

“This is the only one I’ll probably see you in. Unfortunately.”

I almost stopped walking as my heart leaped. He had definitely said those words out loud.

I looked up at him for further clues as to how to interpret his words.

“The other ones are in my major,” he said as if he hadn’t said anything off, “and by now, I figure you’re done with the natural science requirement.”

He was right—I had taken easy Computer Science and Biology courses to get rid of the requirement sophomore year.

I couldn’t respond out loud, still stuck on his easy compliment. I had trouble interpreting it as flirtatious, but how else could it be understood?

Still, flirtatious was not something I had ever imagined attached to him either.

I never really thought I could possibly be his type, and I certainly didn’t see him as the sort to flirt with someone else’s girlfriend—especially when that boyfriend was well-known to be a black-belt in karate and physically capable of kicking anyone’s ass. And there was no doubt Daniel knew that Raymond and I were an item and had been for almost two years.

I’d bet I wasn’t the only one with a crush on Daniel since I couldn’t be the only one who saw his value, but I had nothing on which to base an assumption of his type since I never saw him with anyone.

He was an odd one in that way as well—he seemed quite content to be by himself. I had never run into someone seemingly so self-contained, and I eventually realized that being an oddball in this way was one of the things that attracted me to him also.

And now here he was, easily letting slide from his tongue that he derived some pleasure from seeing me as well.

I looked up at him again. “Where are you going now?”

“Caf. Next class is at one.”

“Me too!” I said and then immediately regretted it because it would then make sense for us to continue our walk together. But how would it look to anyone who knew us? How would the two of us waltzing into the cafeteria side by side be received by his group and mine?

I knew how Raymond would take it—he’d flip out. Raymond did everything in his power to make sure I wasn’t associated with any other male but him; he took every step to ensure everyone knew I’d been claimed. Besides, Raymond knew Daniel from having shared classes with him since they both studied the sciences, and somehow, I suspected that would make everything worse.

Theoretically, if I walked into the cafeteria with a mutual friend of ours from the international students group, Raymond wouldn’t really have a problem. But Daniel wasn’t a mutual friend—he was an acquaintance to Raymond at best, and to me, only a familiar face because of Raymond—a flimsy introduction in the form of a nod of greeting when Raymond pointed him out as a friend of his friend, Matthew, at some house party the previous year.

Daniel and I had never even spoken to each other until just moments ago.

Do you know I can hear your thoughts? I wanted to ask him out loud but instead asked silently.

He obliviously answered ‘no.’

I knew I couldn’t mention my newly discovered ‘gift’ to anyone—it was one thing to think of yourself as going crazy, but quite another for others to think so.

I figured I’d just have to keep testing.

Raymond’s eyes did exactly what I expected them to do as Daniel and I entered the cafeteria together and we neared the unofficial international students’ table—his eyes narrowed a bit briefly, and then hardened. Then his mouth partially lifted into a smile I could see clearly past.

I was aware of Daniel smiling warmly yet casually as usual as if no silent, harsh communication was happening.

I broke out into a bright, wide smile myself for Raymond, to reassure him.

“Hey,” he said in a sort of shaky voice as I sat down next to him while Daniel continued walking toward the cafeteria line.

I wondered what Daniel was thinking right then as I pretended we hadn’t had a few moments, while preparing to shrug off what Raymond at least had the decency not to address in the moment, surrounded by our friends and peers.

We have a class together right before lunch, I would say with a dismissive shrug and a deliberate look of “what’s the big deal?” on my face when he confronted me later. I mean, you show up to lunch with Hayley all the time. How crazy would I be to grill you about that when I know good and well you guys have the same major and have some classes together?

But Hayley’s a part of our group, he’d argue, and I’d contort my face like he just said he liked to wear panties.

Daniel’s sort of part of the group now because of you guys, I’d say. Y’all kind of brought him and Matthew in.

But where does he sit again? Oh yeah—not with us, right? Exactly. He’s not one of us; he doesn’t belong at our table, and he certainly doesn’t belong next to you, walking in…

“Man, I wish I could sit that close to you.”

I was startled by the voice intrusion I’d come to accept talking over my own thoughts.

I looked in Daniel’s direction, the feeling on my neck alerting me to exactly where he’d be sitting, staring.

I caught his eyes.

He gave a brief smile and then looked down at his tray, but I knew he wasn’t really seeing it. Again, he didn’t look nervous or guilty, but he had definitely been caught.

I wondered why I could hear his thoughts at some times and not others, and then wondered if Raymond had picked up on our brief interaction.

Raymond’s eyes had hardened again, despite nodding his head to whatever the person opposite him was saying, so clearly, he had.