A little after leaving the cemetery, I tore up the speech and threw the pieces out of the carriage window, in spite of José Dias’ attempts to stop me.
“It’s worthless,” I said, “and as I might be tempted to have it printed, it’s best it’s destroyed once and for all. It’s no good—useless.”
José Dias demonstrated at length that the contrary was true, then he praised the funeral, and finally entered on a panegyric of the dead man, a great soul, an active mind, with an upright heart, and a friend, a good friend, a worthy friend, worthy of the most loving wife that God had given him …
At this point in the speech, I let him carry on talking to himself and began to think. My thoughts were so dark and confused that I felt out of my depth. In Catete I ordered the carriage to stop, told José Dias to go and fetch the ladies at Flamengo, and take, them home; I would go on foot.
“I’m going to pay a visit.”
The reason for this was to finish my thoughts, and reach a decision suitable to the moment. The carriage would go faster than my legs: these could choose their own pace, they could slow down, stop, turn back, and allow the head to go on thinking as it wanted to. I went on walking and brooding. I had already compared Sancha’s gesture of the previous day and her present despair: they were irreconcilable. She really was a most loving widow. Thus all the illusion conjured up by. my vanity disappeared. Wasn’t it the same with Capitu? I tried to visualize her eyes again, the position I saw her in, the press of the people that would naturally force her to dissemble, if there was anything to dissemble for. What is here present in logical, deductive order, had first been a confused medley of ideas and sensations, thanks to the jolting of the carriage and José Dias’ interruptions. Now, however, my head was clear and I could remember correctly. I came to the conclusion that it was my old passion that was blinding me still, and making me lose my head as always.
When I arrived at this final conclusion, I was also getting to the door of my house, but I turned back, and went back up the Rua do Catete. Was it the doubts upsetting me, or the need to upset Capitu with my long delay? Let’s say it was both things; I walked for a long while, until I felt myself calm down, and turned howewards. The clock in a bakery was striking eight.