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You're Home!

The idea of moving in together sounds so romantic, and you probably can't wait. But there are a lot of things to take into consideration when you start planning this part of your future. You'll need to have a sound financial plan (and a knack for compromise) in order to make a smooth transition.

Before You Begin Packing …

Like the decisions you make concerning your wedding, you might want to discuss any pre-wedding cohabitation plans you and your fiancé are making with both sets of parents. Plan to talk with them well before you start putting your possessions into boxes. You want to have plenty of time to work out any glitches, such as a parent's stern refusal to accept your decision and subsequent refusal to attend the wedding if you don't change your mind.

Parental Problems?

If the reactions you receive are negative, you'll feel like you're in a real pickle. You are an adult, after all, and you might not really care if your parents (or your groom's parents) approve of your decision to move in with your man prior to saying “I do.”

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Remember that what seems natural (and necessary) to you as far as your living arrangements are concerned may seem just plain wrong to a person from another generation or cultural background. Try to anticipate reactions before broaching the subject, and most importantly, be sensitive to the responses.

Of course, you don't want to back down from your position, but the months before your wedding should be happy times. They shouldn't be filled with family squabbles and various threats (of your parents disinheriting you and your responsive threat to put yourself up for adoption). So what should you do?

If you're really interested in keeping the peace, look for a compromise. Perhaps your fiancé can move into the new apartment you'll pick out together a month before your wedding, while you stay where you are until after the honeymoon. You can still get the place in shape during that month; you just won't be living there.

Those Left Behind

There may be another person or people who need to know about your future living arrangements: roommates. While your roommates are undoubtedly happy for your triumph in finding the perfect man, they may also be concerned that when you move out they're going to be left holding the bag full of bills. They might also be worrying about getting stuck finding another roommate to take your place (though everyone knows no one will really ever take your place).

Try to give your roommate at least a month's notice before you move. Offer to help find a replacement by asking friends if they know of anyone in need of a place, by putting (and paying for) an ad in the newspaper, or by listing the opening in a roommate locator service.

Keep your space tidy, knowing that your roommate will be showing the place to prospective new inhabitants. Transfer any bills that are currently in your name to your roommate's name to avoid future confusion or tension. A few days before you move, settle up unpaid bills. If you are owed a security deposit refund, be sure your roommate knows you've contacted the rental agent for its return. Let your roommate know the date and time you plan to move your belongings. Finally, leave your room in pristine condition for the next occupant, and make sure your roommate knows your forwarding address and how to reach you in case anything comes up.

The Financial Picture

Moving into a new home is a huge expense, whether you're renting or buying. Buying is usually technically a bigger expense, but if you're having trouble coming up with the rent for a dirt-cheap apartment, it feels the same either way. To make things easier on yourselves in the long run, make sure you know what you can afford. Lay out your budget before you go house-hunting, and don't expect to find the perfect place on your first day. Finding the right place can be an emotionally draining and timeconsuming process.

Setting Up Your Budget

You'll be combining your income with someone else's in a joint budget, which may be the first time you've ever shared your income and spending. What this means, in plain English, is that you need to know how much money your fiancé is earning. Maybe the subject has never come up. Or maybe you've been afraid to ask — whatever the reason, if you don't have a clear idea of what this man's net pay is at the end of each week, now's the time to find out.

If you're like most women, though, you probably already have a good idea of how much your fiancé brings home each paycheck. But do you know how he budgets his money? That may be the trickier part of the picture. And on the flip side, does he know how you spend your earnings each month? Make a date to sit down with your fiancé and talk frankly about how you might go about setting up a budget you both can live with.

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You'll also want to discuss the use of credit cards. There's nothing scarier than assuming you're in the black, only to see a lot of numbers (and a few commas) in the “balance due” box on your credit card statement.

When setting up the budget, you'll add your paycheck to his, plus any other regular source of income, and then subtract the following expenses:

The balance you end up with should not have a minus sign in front of it. If it does, you're paying out too much, and you need to find someplace to cut back. What this means for you in terms of housing is that you should not take on a bigger rent or mortgage payment — or one that will increase the cost of your living expenses — if you can't pay the bills you have now.

Dealing with the Budget

If you're moving into your groom's place, or he's moving into yours, you'll already know how much the utilities cost each month. If you're moving into a new place, you'll want to ask if any utilities are included in the rent, and take it from there. If you're moving into an apartment in an old house, you might want to ask the other tenants what they typically pay for heat (the insulation might not be up to par) and/or air conditioning (and don't be surprised to learn that there isn't any central air). You'll be able to get some idea of what a new apartment is really going to cost you in the end. To be on the safe side, consider padding the amounts by $20 or so.

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How much should you be spending on the rent or on a mortgage?

As a rule of thumb, the amount you spend monthly for rent or mortgage should not exceed 33 percent of your total income (totaling both paychecks). Some estimates go as high as 36 percent — any more than that is too much.

Spending more than a third of your income on housing is risky, in that you'll likely find yourselves “house poor.” Sure, you'll have a beautiful home, but if you can't afford to furnish it (or eat, for that matter), it will lose its luster in your eyes very quickly. The danger of buying more house than you can reasonably afford intensifies if one partner loses his or her job. This is exactly the way in which many people find themselves dealing with foreclosures.

If you're shopping around for a mortgage, run the numbers yourself and figure out what you can afford (and what you can't). Unfortunately, many lending companies are only too eager to give you a bigger mortgage than you should have, because in the end, they're making more money from you. And your real estate agent will be only too happy to sell you a house that's above your real price range, because she gets a percentage of the selling price — the more it costs, the bigger her commission. How do you think she bought that luxury car she's driving?

Finding a Place

If you're lucky, you or your fiancé already lives in a place that's large enough for two and that both of you love. That certainly makes your life a lot easier, at least until the two of you decide that you need more room, or that you'd like to be in a different neighborhood, or until some other reason for moving creeps into the picture. But if you're like many couples, you'll want to (or have to) start fresh. One of the first decisions facing you will be where you want to live.

Your vision of married bliss may be a cozy little house in the country, hours from the bustling city. But what if your job means commuting back into the bustle five days a week? Chances are, you'd rather spend time with your new husband than on the road between your office and your home. Likewise, if it's your husband who's doing the commuting, you don't want to be stuck at home drumming your fingers on the table as you wait for him to finally walk through the door. Unless you simply can't live without that country house, you'll be better off searching for a place that's more convenient to both your workplaces — and saving that dream home for a time in your life when commuting isn't as big an issue (or when kids suddenly are).

Research the Area

When choosing a place to live, you'll want to be sure it has at least some of the amenities that are important to your and your husband's daily life. If you like a good game of tennis on the weekends, make sure there are public tennis courts available. Maybe you're a gourmet cook who needs ingredients found only in specialty markets. If so, then the typical supermarket chain probably won't suit you. Do you need a place where you can easily launch your boat? Make sure there's water nearby.

Once you've decided what your town or neighborhood must have, drive through a few possibilities to check them out more thoroughly. Park the car in the downtown area and take a stroll to get a feel for the place. Strike up a conversation with the person who serves your coffee. Pick up a copy of the local paper. Time the commute from the town center to your office.

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If you know someone who lives in a town you're considering, pump him or her for information. Do they like what the town has to offer? What are the pluses and minuses? How long have they lived there? Does the community have several housing options to choose from?

The Dwelling

Determining the type of housing you should be looking at usually comes down to two factors: money and time. Generally speaking, apartments are the least expensive option and the easiest to find. You go through the apartment listings in the paper and make some calls to set up appointments to check them out. First and last month's rent plus a security deposit are the standard up-front financial requirements. You hand over a check, sign some papers, and move in. Unless you choose the most luxurious apartment in the ritziest part of town, chances are your monthly rental costs will be less than any mortgage you would pay for a house or condo.

Condominiums and houses are more expensive for several reasons. First, in order to purchase one you need to come up with a down payment (usually twenty percent of the total cost). On top of that, there are other fees to pay when the final paperwork is processed, at the closing — fees that will likely run into the thousands of dollars. (You'll need to hire a lawyer, for one thing, who will pretty much sit back during the closing and tell you to write all sorts of checks to people and agencies you've never heard of, and will never hear from, and then you'll write him or her a check to top it all off.) Finally, monthly mortgage payments are generally higher than rent. For newlyweds, these costs can be prohibitive, often making a nice apartment more attractive than a house or a condo in the early years of marriage.

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Since condos and houses are more permanent residences than apartments, you'll want to spend time finding the perfect place. That can take as little as a week (if you're extremely lucky) or as long as a year, depending on what's available on the market and on your personal preferences.

Prioritize

Once you've decided what fits your budget, you'll have a narrowed-down list of possible homes to choose from. You'll be faced with some decisions, which may mean that you'll have to make some big concessions. How many rooms do you need? Must you have cathedral ceilings? Do you or your husband need an at-home office? What about a gourmet kitchen? A first-floor laundry room?

If you're on a tight budget, you may ultimately have to decide on the one most important feature of prospective homes, whether it's space, style, or convenience. It's best to have relatively meager expectations of your first home or apartment when you're pinching pennies.

If you have a slightly larger budget to work with, your house needs will be determined more by your lifestyles and personalities. If you like to entertain, for example, you'll be on the lookout for a home with a spacious kitchen and dining room. You might opt for a place with a spare bedroom if you hope to have frequent overnight guests or need a separate office space. And everyone has heard stories of how fights for closet and bathroom-counter space have ruined relationships. If you're concerned you and your husband will fall into this category, go for the place with the walk-in closets and the bath and a half.

In the end, you might have to give up a few wish-list items in order to find a good place to start your future together. But if you're armed with a solid idea of what both of you really must have, you can save yourself time and aggravation as you search.

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Don't forget to include your outdoor expectations in the list. If you love to barbecue, you'll want to be sure you have a place to do it. Two cars might not need a garage, but they will need parking. And a yen for gardening probably won't be satisfied with just a window box or two.

The Timing

If parental reaction isn't an issue for you, the time that the two of you choose to move in together depends on what's most practical. The most logical time to move is when your current living arrangement changes. For instance, if your lease is up, and it makes more sense to move than to renew it; your roommate is leaving, and you don't want to look for a new one; or you just have to move out of your parents' house now because they're driving you crazy.

Unless you and your fiancé are both faced with these decisions at the same time, you'll need to coordinate your move carefully. It would be expensive and wasteful to be paying for your new apartment together if you still have to pay rent on an old place where you couldn't get out of the lease. If that's what you're faced with, ask your current rental agent if he or she would consider letting you sublet your apartment. It will be up to you to find a suitable tenant, and any problems that tenant causes become your problems. Or, if your lease is up, see if you can remain in your apartment on a month-to-month basis until you're ready to move.

You Already Live Together

It may be that you and your fiancé have been living together, or will be living together for some time before the wedding. This can make certain aspects of the wedding planning a lot less complicated.

If you're coordinating the bulk of the wedding yourself, you can have RSVPs mailed to you instead of your parents. Your gifts will be transported from your shower(s) directly into your home, and you won't have to worry about having to pack and move right after the honeymoon.

You and your partner will also have a clear picture of what you should register for. If you see your fiancé using the same ratty towel day after day, you know for a fact that a new set of bath linens will be more than welcome. Likewise, if your fiancé has listened to you complain about your broken hand mixer and the food processor that really smushes vegetables more than it slices them, he won't balk (or ask you, “What do you need that for? Can't we get those cool beer mugs instead?”) when you check off those goodies on the registry.

Living at the same address for a period of time before the wedding means you and your partner have a better understanding of each other's finances. You won't have to set up billing procedures for your utilities or cable or figure out a system for paying those bills. With the potential tension surrounding the planning of a wedding, not having to deal with the mundane tasks of everyday life can be really nice.

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

While living together before the wedding does have its practical side, many couples prefer to stick with tradition. They don't want to experience what it's like to be married before they've taken their vows. For these couples, the excitement and romance of the first night in their new home (and starting the budgeting, and buying furniture) is a continuation of the excitement and romance of the pre-wedding season.

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Give yourself plenty of time to prepare yourself and your belongings for the big move. You don't want to end up leaving your apartment in a huge rush because you waited until after the wedding to start packing. You'll never find anything in those boxes if they aren't labeled accurately and packed carefully.

Waiting until you're officially husband and wife can be a wonderfully romantic way to go. If this is your decision, you'll just be on a time-delay behind the couples who have chosen to set up house before the wedding. Getting yourselves organized is key here. You'll be moving (presumably) right after the honeymoon, which means that you'll likely be packing as you're preparing for your wedding day and your vacation.

Home Sweet Home

Whether you're moving in together before the wedding or waiting until the ink is dry on the marriage license, learning to live with someone else can be a rocky transition. If you're finding, suddenly, that your fiancé (or new husband) has some questionable hygiene rituals or that he is obsessive-compulsive about where the condiments can be placed in the refrigerator (they go on the door, not on the big shelves!), you might be wondering what the heck you've gotten yourself into. How could you have agreed to spend all of eternity with this person?

This is one thing that many newlyweds (or new roommates) don't talk about. To admit that the bloom is off the rose, so to speak, would be lessening your relationship in the eyes of others. You definitely don't want anyone to think that what you and your guy have is anything less than perfect, right?

You'd probably be surprised at how many of your friends feel the same way. One day, someone will admit to a little something (that her husband hogs the entire bed every night, for example, and that she doesn't find it the least bit endearing), and the floodgates will be opened. In the meantime, though —

Be Honest with Each Other

The worst thing you can do, if your partner has a habit that really, truly irritates you, is to pretend that you love it. Chances are a hundred to one that by suppressing your true feelings, you're setting yourself up for a big blowout one day down the road, when his whiskers in the sink will be given equal weight with some felonious act. If you want him to pick up his own socks and put them into the laundry basket, ask him to do it. If you don't want to come home to an apartment that looks as though a bomb filled with chips and beer bottles has exploded on the coffee table, tell him. (And when he asks you not to leave your long hair in the bathroom sink, respect his feelings and make the effort to accommodate his wishes.)

Division of Domestic Duties

Another thing that often happens in new cohabitation situations is that the woman will somehow feel as though she's been stuck with the bulk of household chores — in addition to her own full-time job outside of the home. Though this same woman has lived on her own for years and has learned to tackle big cleaning jobs and small repair issues, it's unfair for her partner to expect her to take on twice the responsibilities after marriage (or after the move-in).

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If you find that you've been landed unfairly with responsibilities for doing everything — all the laundry, all the cleaning, most of the repairs — you may need to hold a summit to address the household chores. After all, this man loves you. Unless you tell him, he may not have the slightest idea how overwhelmed you're feeling by all of the work.

Ask anyone who runs a household on their own if it's possible for one person to successfully tackle all of these items without help. It isn't. Nor should one spouse be expected to make the attempt to do everything on his or her own. You're partners now, for better or for worse, for home repairs or for grocery shopping.

Wives sometimes get a reputation for being nags, and usually, it's an unfair assessment. Still, in an effort to avoid being labeled as such, many new wives look the other way on issues that drive them up the wall. How can you find a middle ground and ask for the things you want without somehow crossing the line into nagging territory? Just remember this. There's a right way to ask for something, and a wrong way. You don't need to address your mate as though he's a six-year-old, even if he's acting like one. Treat him with the same respect you'd expect from him, and you'll avoid the “n-a-g” labeling process.

There's no right way to divide chores. Play to each other's strengths. You're particularly good at waterproofing the deck, while he makes a mean casserole? Whatever works in your house is the right way to do it. You can also make tradeoffs on the really undesirable chores. Your hubby's been painting woodwork for the past three weekends? Let him do the dusting while you make a dent in the job this weekend. Above all, realize that this is an ever-evolving process. You'll be working on these issues for a long, long time. Don't expect the perfect solutions to pop up the day after you've moved in together.

Congratulations on your new life together as a married couple!illustration