9

The Ins and Outs of Receptions

If weddings simply involved standing before a religious or civic official and saying, “I do,” there would be precious little to have a nervous breakdown over. Brides wouldn't pull their hair out over every detail, and parents wouldn't start putting aside money to pay for their daughter's wedding on the day she was born. A typical reception has finery, etiquette, cakes, and dances — and this is only a partial list. This chapter takes you on a ride through planning the big party.

Start Looking Now

The first thing you have to do is find a place to have your reception.

Religious officiants will tell you to set the ceremony date first and then find a reception site. Many couples, however, try to do just the opposite. Of course, this is like the chicken-and-the-egg question. What it really comes down to is whether you are more particular about the site of the wedding ceremony or of the reception. If you just have to be married in the church where you were baptized and confirmed, and its available dates don't coincide with the dates available at the reception site you're considering, then you'll just have to find another banquet hall.

On the other hand, if you want your reception in a certain location, but the location of the actual ceremony doesn't really matter to you (you'll even consider a civil ceremony on the premises), your choice is obvious.

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During the peak wedding months of April through October, competition for wedding sites can be fierce. If you're marrying in this time frame, plan on looking for your ceremony and/or reception sites at least a year in advance.

Off the Beaten Path

While function halls, country clubs, and hotel ballrooms are still the most popular sites for receptions, these days there's no limit (except your imagination — and your tolerance for the unusual) to where you can hold your reception. As long as people can gather there to eat, drink, and be merry, it will do.

Get Creative

Looking for someplace really different for your wedding reception? What kind of unusual, original settings can you choose from? Consider the following:

There are also baseball parks, football fields, marinas, and other spots connected to hobbies or anything of common interest. Your creativity is your best source. Follow up your instincts with some phone calls to the appropriate people — the manager of the historic movie theater, for example — to find out what's available in your area.

Odds are you'll pay a bit more to secure one of these nontraditional sites than you would for a standard venue. But be sure to weigh the cost against all that you'll get for your money. In settings like these, your surroundings won't be part of an insignificant background. They'll say something unique about you and your new husband.

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The availability of some of these more unusual options will depend on the season and the weather. But if Mother Nature cooperates, sites like these can make for a beautiful and memorable wedding day. (For outdoor sites you will, alas, need to establish a backup site elsewhere — or incorporate a large tent into your plans — as a precaution against inclement weather.)

Theme On!

A theme wedding is another step away from the traditional that will make your wedding something special. Depending on the theme you choose, you can live out your fantasies of living in another time or another place. (Just make sure to give your guests a heads-up so that they aren't shocked to see your groom in tights at your Renaissance-themed wedding.)

Some ideas include the following:

What about a wedding with a sports theme? A beach party wedding? How about a hoe-down weddin' theme? Pick something and go all the way with it.

Traditional Style

All right, so you don't have to dress up like cowpokes just to have a memorable wedding. In fact, wherever you decide to receive your guests as husband and wife will seem like the perfect spot to you on your wedding day.

Home-Sweet-Home Reception

For many couples, the perfect solution to a reception dilemma is having a party at someone's home. If you're lucky, you, your parents, or someone you know will have a house and yard big enough to accommodate your reception. What better way to celebrate the most important day in your life than in the house where you grew up or the backyard where you used to play? Placed in a unique context, and surrounded by family and friends, you'll have an incredible reception experience.

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Don't assume that having a home reception means your parents have to sweat in the kitchen all day preparing and serving food. If you're expecting more than fifty guests, it's best to bring in a professional caterer for the job.

Because a home or backyard reception is so informal, you won't be tied down to traditional entertainment (play some CDs instead of hiring a band), menu items, or even a dress code. If the festivities are in the backyard, have a barbecue or a clambake and tell the guests to wear shorts.

Stay Right Where You Are!

Some receptions are held on the same grounds as the ceremony — the ultimate in convenience for you and your guests. Many churches and synagogues have a function room on the premises that you can rent without much fuss, at a cost that's much less than a commercial site. The reception is typically small and informal, and the menu is usually quite scaled back (maybe as light as cookies and punch, or a small buffet).

Bear in mind that a site with a religious affiliation may not allow alcohol and may also restrict the kinds of music you can play at the reception.

While You Wait

You've found the perfect place for your ceremony and the perfect place for your reception. The only problem is that the reception site is booked until two hours after your ceremony ends.

Relax. There's no law that says receptions have to immediately follow the ceremony. However, if a delay is inevitable, make sure that your guests, especially those from out of town, are entertained between the ceremony and the reception. Set up a hospitality suite at a nearby hotel, or ask a close friend to have cocktails or hors d'oeuvres at his or her house.

Your Reception Investigation

Now that you're aware of all of the reception options open to you, it's time to consider some sites and put them through the wringer. This is the part of your wedding you will likely spend the most money on. Take the proper steps from the very start to make sure you get every penny's worth.

A Few Inquiries

Because this is a business transaction (not the most romantic way to think of your wedding day, but perhaps the most practical), you should treat your interview with the banquet manager as such. Here are some questions to ask of him or her:

There are other issues to address as well, such as where your musicians will set up, how and where your decorations will be displayed, and how many guests will be seated at each table.

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A good banquet manager will walk you through the entire reception from start to finish. A not-so-good one will simply ask if you have any questions. Don't be shy — lay them on him or her. It's in your best interest to ask as many questions as you can come up with to make sure you're spending your money in the right place.

Comparison Shopping

You can start your search for the ideal reception site by asking friends for their suggestions and comments. Visit the places you're considering, go through all the questions listed above in your preliminary conferences, and write down the answers for easy comparison later on. Note carefully whether the people you will be dealing with are courteous and responsive to your wishes.

If you like a hall and the prices quoted, go back to see a wedding or a formal dinner in progress, especially if you have never been to a function there. If you are considering a restaurant or a country club, it is a good idea to have dinner there on a Saturday or Sunday, when presumably the kitchen and staff are putting forth their best efforts at their busiest time. Take note of the activity. Will your party have adequate privacy if the rest of the place is full? What kind of ambiance is projected by the clientele the place draws, the physical setting, and the quality of service? Carefully check the maintenance of (and the lines forming inside) the restrooms on a busy evening.

If a place seems like a good possibility, have the site manager give you a preliminary estimate in writing, spelling out the details of menu, service, and everything else you've discussed. Then compare your various estimates and impressions before you commit yourself.

That Costs How Much?

Make sure you're aware of all reception-related charges up front. A deposit (usually a great big one) will reserve the site you want. Many sites won't refund this deposit if you decide you don't want them anymore. Before you sign on the dotted line, review the agreement carefully, and get references from people who have used the facility for a wedding reception. As always, make sure every part of your agreement, including date, time, services, and policies, is in writing.

Sales tax, an item sometimes overlooked, adds a hefty amount to the already large reception cost. Cancellations, changes, and last-minute additions may also cost additional money. You don't want to come home sunburned and exhausted from your honeymoon only to discover that your wedding money will go toward paying off the hidden fees associated with the reception.

Receiving Your Guests

On to the actual reception. You'll be faced with the issue of whether you should have a receiving line. This tradition receives a fair amount of bad press these days, and it's usually the first to get the ax. But consider this. A receiving line doesn't have to take up an agonizing chunk of time, and many of your guests may be expecting you to have one. It enables you, your groom, and key members of the wedding party to meet and greet your guests — which is very important, since you won't have time to socialize at length with everyone at the reception.

Imagine your Aunt Gert's disappointment in this scenario. She has chosen the perfect wedding gift for you, traveled across the country to watch you walk down the aisle. And yet, since there isn't a receiving line, and since you're so busy having your picture taken and being whisked off every which way during the reception, she never has the opportunity to wish you and your groom well.

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Disappointment will be the least of it, if you're lucky. Some guests (particularly older ones) view the omission of the receiving line as a rude gesture, as if the bride and groom were saying, “Just eat your dinners and leave us a gift. We don't have time to say hello.”

Receiving Line 101

The present-day etiquette on receiving lines is short and sweet. You should have one, but keep it simple. The order of the line is not even something that must be adhered to — as long as you include the essential players, you're in good standing.

The receiving line should form after the ceremony but before the reception. If you're worried about the line taking up too much time on your big day, or if you and your groom are not immediately proceeding to the reception (because you're taking photos, for example), try to have the receiving line at the church or synagogue.

If you elect that option, be sure to check with your officiant first. Some have restrictions concerning where the line may be formed. The most convenient spot is often near an exit or outside, where guests can move through easily on their way to the reception. If you choose to have the line at the reception site, have refreshments and entertainment available for guests while they're waiting.

Who Is Included?

Your attendants do not need to be included in your receiving line. This speeds things up and eliminates a whole lot of the very phony, “Oh, so nice to meet you!” comments from all parties involved. Though at one time only women were expected to stand in the receiving line, fathers are more than welcome — unless they're needed to greet guests at the reception site.

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If you're including all of the parents, your line can form in this order: mother of the bride, father of the bride, bride, groom, mother of the groom, father of the groom. If there's been a divorce and lingering bad feelings between one set of parents, do a little shuffling.

If a guest is a complete stranger to you, introduce yourself. Be friendly but brief. A simple “Thank you so much for coming! It's so good to see you!” or, “I've heard so much about you,” in the case of meeting new relations for the first time should suffice. If you have someone who's chewing your ear off, don't be afraid to point out the appetizers and the bar to them.

All in a Day's Reception

You're probably already familiar with the traditions of the first toast, the first dance, the cake cutting, and the garter and bouquet throwing. But just in case you're a little foggy on them (or up in the air over whether to include them in your reception), here's a refresher.

Toasts

After the guests have been seated for dinner, everyone is served a glass of champagne or another sparkling beverage for the toast. Toasts, of course, are an important part of the wedding reception — and, like every other wedding ritual, toasting has its etiquette.

Brides rarely give toasts at their own weddings, though they may if they're inclined to do so. Best men are the first in line to present a toast. However, they usually don't read up on wedding etiquette. You or your groom may need to give your best man a few pointers — such as less is always more, and a randy limerick has no place in a room full of elderly relatives.

You and your groom should know that the recipient of a toast does not drink at the end of the salute, but simply smiles at the person offering the kind words. All toasts except the best man's toast are optional. Once the toasting is over, the dinner is served, and your best man can stop his profuse perspiring. He's done.

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If everyone is chomping at the bit, waiting to hail you and your groom, the order of toasters is as follows: best man, groom's dad, bride's dad, groom, bride, friends and relatives, maid or matron of honor, groom's mom; bride's mom … and then anyone else.

The Opening Dances

The bride and groom's first dance is often one of the most romantic parts of your reception. You and your new husband will dance to a song the two of you have carefully chosen for its message of undying love while your guests look on and smile.

After the first dance, the bride dances with her father, and then the groom dances with his mother. Afterwards, the bride and groom's parents dance, the bride dances with her father-in-law, the groom dances with his mother-in-law, and the bridesmaids and ushers dance with each other.

That's a whole lot of dancing, you say? Yes, it is — and it can be incredibly time consuming, especially when you see your guests itching to hit the dance floor. Feel free to eliminate or combine some or all of these dances, and when you're ready to mambo with the masses, have the bandleader or master of ceremonies announce when everyone is welcome on the dance floor.

The Cake-Cutting Ceremony

Aside from being a tasty little treat, the wedding cake performs a very important function as the centerpiece of the cake-cutting ceremony, when the bride and groom cut the first piece of cake together and feed each other a bite as the crowd watches to see if either of you has the guts to smash the other one's face with it. At a sit-down reception, the cake is usually cut right before the dessert, if any, is served. However, if you have a photographer who is trying to move things along, don't be surprised if he or she wants to move the cake-cutting up a bit. The caterer or baker will cut the rest of the cake and distribute it to the guests.

The Bouquet and Garter Toss

Once widely accepted traditions, these reception elements have gradually lost favor in some sectors. If you've never been a witness to this merry little convention, it starts with the bride tossing her bouquet (usually a throw-away bouquet provided by the florist for this occasion) to a group of single women. The groom then removes a garter from the bride's leg and tosses it into a crowd of single men. The two “winners” come together in the middle of the dance floor, where the woman is seated, and the man with the garter slides it up, up, up her leg. The men cheer, and the other women are grateful that they didn't catch the bouquet.

Today, many brides find the tradition degrading, especially to the women involved. As a result, many brides decide to eliminate it, in whole — or just in part. There's no such thing as a reception ordinance requiring your female guest to allow a strange man to push a garter way up her thigh. If you want to toss your bouquet, go for it — and leave it at that.

Turning the Tables

Unless you're planning a cocktail reception with hors d'oeuvres or an informal buffet, you're going to need a seating chart. Guests (especially those who don't know many people) often feel uncomfortable without assigned seating.

It's best to realize early on that no matter how hard you try, someone — your mother, your fiancé's mother, your cousin Marta — is bound to be unhappy with some aspect of the seating plan. The easiest way to approach this project is to get input from your mother and future mother-in-law; if possible, the three of you should sit down and come up with the plan together. Both moms will know those relatives who want to sit together and who should be seated at opposite ends of the room — which will make your life infinitely easier.

Placing People

If you're planning a very formal wedding, place cards are necessary for all guests. At less formal receptions, place cards are used only at the head table. The easiest way to alert guests to their table assignments is to place table cards on a table near the reception room entrance. Table cards simply list the name of the guest and their table assignment. Another option is to set up an enlarged seating diagram at the reception entrance.

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One idea for creative seating assignments is to decorate the tables with centerpieces and other goodies that go along with different themes, and name the tables accordingly. If you put a different type of floral arrangement at each table, for example, you can tell your guests that they'll be sitting at the Daisy table or the Rose table.

Save Me a Seat!

The head table is wherever the bride and groom sit, and is, understandably, the focus of the reception. It usually faces the other tables. The table is sometimes elevated, and decorations or flowers are usually low enough to allow guests a perfect view of you and your groom kissing and gazing into each other's eyes, even as the two of you scarf down your filet mignon.

Traditionally, the bride and groom, honor attendants, and bridesmaids and ushers sit at the head table. The bride and groom sit in the middle, with the best man next to the bride and the maid of honor next to the groom. (The seating of the attendants should follow male-female-male-female around the table from there.)

You may also choose to have a table for two — just you and your groom. Or you could sit with your honor attendants at the head table and seat the rest of your attendants together at a smaller table.

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Child attendants should sit at a regular table with their parents. Spouses of attendants don't sit at the head table with their husbands or wives. If they won't know anyone else at the wedding, try to seat them with someone they might have something in common with.

The Parents

Parents of the bride and groom sit at separate tables with their own families. There's no single correct seating arrangement for the parents' tables. The bride and groom's parents can sit together with the officiant and his or her spouse at the parents' table, or each set of parents can host their own table with family and friends.

The officiant is seated in a place of honor at the reception. Make sure that one of the parents' tables includes the officiant and his or her spouse. Seating the person who pronounced you husband and wife near the kitchen is a no-no.

Not-So-Musical Chairs

Where do you seat your divorced, actively warring parents? As far away from each other as possible without offending either of them. The trick here is to place each of them at separate tables that are in the vicinity of the head table, but not so close to each other that they'll have to hear their ex-spouse's voice.

Here's an example. If your groom's parents are not divorced, you could reserve three tables in front of the head table for seating the parents — one for your mom and her family, one for your groom's parents, and one for your dad and his family. Your in-laws' table would be smack dab in the middle in this scenario — neutral territory.

Party All Night?

After the guests have been whooping it up at your reception all day (or all night, as the case may be), it can be tough for them to stop having fun and go home. Sometimes the parents of the bride or groom will host a small after-party for very close family and friends. This way people get to wind down — or continue on with the fun they were having. The after-party is usually at the parents' home, but these days it is also common for the family to rent another reception site, or to extend the time at the original one. The danger of the latter situation, of course, is that the parents may end up hosting many more guests than they had intended.illustration