Four days until Connor is taken
The ward is too loud: the chatter of visitors; the clatter of trolleys. Too hot.
I hear him before I see him, polished shoes squeaking across the lino. I raise my eyes to his troubled face. See his uncertainty, his worry.
‘Fergus?’ I’m surprised he’s here. He hasn’t replied to any of my texts since he left Melissa and I can’t unpick whether I’m angry he has stayed away for so long or pleased to see a friendly face. Mel’s popped in when she can but her visits have been fleeting, short.
He can’t quite look at me, instead turning his attention to Kieron. ‘How are you, mate?’ he asks.
‘Bored.’
‘Funny you should say that.’ Fergus hands Kieron a bag of Skittles, a bottle of Tango and a book with a cover that frankly looks like erotica – a woman with sharp fangs protruding from red glossy lips, wearing a low-cut dress, draped over a smouldering man in a cape.
‘Cool!’ Kieron snatches up the book and immediately begins to read.
‘Lucy, can we talk?’ Fergus asks tentatively. Shifting his gaze from Kieron to me. Something unreadable in his expression.
‘Hang on a sec.’ I nip down the ward to find Sandra.
‘I want to grab some food with my friend, I haven’t seen him for ages,’ I tell her. ‘But last time I went to the canteen and left Kieron—’ It’s all too fresh in my mind.
‘I’ll stay with him,’ she assures me.
‘That’s settled.’ I rejoin Fergus. ‘We can go and get some lunch. Kieron, is that okay? We won’t be long?’
He nods, engrossed in his story. It’s still a wrench to leave him.
The canteen is quiet except for the gurgle and hiss of the coffee machine. There’s a heavy tang of oil in the air, a trough brimming with golden chips basking under a heat lamp. We both opt for a mozzarella and pesto panini – it only takes a minute to toast them.
‘So…’ I wait while Fergus takes a bite, pinching the melted cheese string that stretches between the bread and his mouth, licking his fingers.
He swallows. ‘I came to say goodbye, really. I’m moving away.’
I don’t know what to say. Thirty years of shared memories tumble together before breaking apart. ‘But… Fergus… but you can’t.’ I’d been clinging on to the hope that he and Mel would sort things out. ‘Does Mel know? Ryan? Aidan?’
‘Mel knows. I’m still thinking about the best way to handle things with Ryan and no, I haven’t spoken to Aidan.’
‘But you’re going to tell him?’
A film of tears glazes his grey eyes. ‘A clean break is… it’s easier. Aidan will try to talk me out of it but my mind is made up. I thought you could tell him? I’m moving back to Scotland.’
‘Back to…?’ I am incredulous. ‘But you haven’t lived there since you were a child. What about your family?’
‘It is for my family. Mum isn’t well and with Dad passing last year, she needs me.’
‘But you can’t just… leave. Melissa needs you. Ryan needs you.’
For a second Fergus crumples into himself before he straightens his spine.
‘My mum needs me more.’
‘I know there’s been some sort of falling out between you and Mel but surely it’s nothing you can’t work through? You can’t just give up on twenty years of marriage.’
‘I’m not just anything.’
‘Sorry.’ I’m saying all the wrong things. Hundreds of words swim around my mind and I sift through them trying to fish out the ones that won’t make me sound critical or accusing. ‘I know this won’t have been a decision you’ve made lightly, Fergus, but… we care. Me and Aidan.’ I rub his arm. ‘We’re here for you.’
‘I’ll miss you, Lucy. If you can keep an eye on Ryan for me.’
‘Can’t you stay? Until he’s finished his exams at least? I’m not saying you shouldn’t be there for your mum, of course you should help but… Fergus, you could ask Melissa and Ryan to go with you after he’s finished sixth form or move your mum down here. You don’t have to end your marriage.’
Fergus runs his thumbnail along the edge of the table.
‘Except it’s not the real reason you’re leaving, is it?’ I study him. ‘Tell me why, Fergus. Please.’
I’m wondering if it’s to do with the residential. ‘I’m so ashamed,’ he had whispered afterwards and I’d thought he’d meant ashamed of himself but what if it was Ryan he was ashamed of instead? Ryan he blames?
He doesn’t look at me, instead poking his finger into the mound of salt and spreading it around the table like a child. Part of me wants to place my hand on top of his and tell him to stop. Talk. But I know you can’t always force people to tell the truth. I think of Connor with his secrets. Aidan’s furtive behaviour.
The things I try to keep hidden.
Fergus continues staring at the Formica, peeling a strip away from the edge of the table, before he lets it fall to the floor, as though he is peeling away the layers of our friendship, tossing away years of shared memories.
It hurts.
‘You know,’ I try a different tactic, ‘Tyler is missing. Connor is so upset. Ryan must be too. We all are.’
Fergus’s face closes down. If he’s shocked or concerned he doesn’t show it.
‘Where do you think Tyler is?’
He shrugs, detached; probably consciously he’s already made the break from us all but still… a boy is missing.
‘The police talked to Aidan.’
This time there’s a flicker of something in his eyes but he quickly lowers them, making a show of checking his watch, not a discreet glance, but raising his wrist. This is so out of character. The Fergus I know cares about everyone. He cares deeply. I try to nudge him into a memory.
‘Do you remember when Connor, Aidan and Tyler—’
‘Lucy, I’ve got to go. Take care.’ In an instant, he’s on his feet, stalking away without a backward glance.
It feels so final.
Kieron is napping. I have a book balanced on my lap but my tears are blurring the page, my head full of Fergus. Melissa. Aidan. Me.
Fergus and Melissa will never reconcile and it isn’t just their loss, it is ours. I glance at Kieron, he’s unaware that the fabric of his world has changed and his world is small, Melissa, Fergus and Ryan making up a huge part of it.
Next to me, the mother begins to sing to her little girl, ‘Hush little baby’, a lullaby. A promise. And the sound of it triggers a memory. Once I had sung that song myself.
I begin to cry properly, not sure who I am crying for: Mel and Fergus, me and Aidan, Connor, Kieron, Ryan. I cry for us all. I can’t wind the clock back, make everything the same as it was, but oh, how I long to.
‘Don’t say a word,’ she is crooning next to me.
The tissue pulls at my skin as I drag it across my cheeks, trying to force myself to breathe slowly, pull myself together.
It will be okay. It will be okay.
But the soft voice in my head is drowned out by a harsher one.
Are you sure?
Carefully, I take Kieron’s hand. We are a four. A family of four and our unit is the most important thing, but I picture the despair on Fergus’s face, his sense of loss that reached out and brushed me with its fingertips and I am haunted by all of the things that are out of my control.
Get better, my darling, please.
I clasp Kieron’s hand between mine. He stirs. I’m holding him too tightly.
But I can’t let go.
I won’t.
The first sign I have that something is wrong is when Mr Peters wants to speak to me and Aidan away from Kieron’s bed.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he begins. ‘The results of Kieron’s latest liver function test since his sepsis aren’t… aren’t what we’d want. I was hoping not to have to say this for a good few years but he was lucky to pull through sepsis. Patients with such compromised immune systems often don’t, but there has been some damage.’
Fear crawls up my throat along with the questions I’m terrified of knowing the answer too.
‘You. You believe…’ I swallow hard. ‘It’s time to put Kieron on the transplant list.’
‘I do. Yes.’
Aidan gasps. Mr Peters shifts his gaze over to him, he doesn’t look at me as he continues to speak.
‘I understand this is a shock.’
And it is. Although I’ve been expecting it, the bottom drops out of my heart. My world. I can feel the tremble of Aidan’s hand in mine and I can’t tell which of us is shaking, probably both of us.
‘How long is the waiting list?’ It is Aidan who finds his words first. Whirling around my mind are things that can go wrong while we wait.
‘I can’t give you a timescale, sorry.’
Hot tears are forming behind my eyes, spilling down my cheeks.
‘But…’ I clear my throat, but my voice is still quiet. ‘You could move him up the list?’
‘Lucy, no! That would be unethical. Immoral. I could lose my job.’
‘I could lose my son.’ This time I can’t hold back my choking sobs as I cling to Aidan, he’s my driftwood in a storm. He holds me tight and although I try to compose myself as quickly as I can, it takes a few moments until I can speak.
‘Rob.’ My tone is pleading as I begin to address the doctor, but I can’t find anything else to say.
‘We do everything we can for kids. We go all out. You know it’s rare that a child doesn’t make it. Very rare.’
‘Promise me he’ll be okay,’ I ask unfairly.
‘Lucy, you’re a doctor. You know we can’t promise.’
I break down again. Break apart. I can’t hold myself together.
‘Let’s go home.’ Aidan takes my arm. ‘We’re still okay to take Kieron home?’ he asks Mr Peters.
‘Of course. We’ll be monitoring him closely. I’ve drawn you up a new prescription, you can collect this from the pharmacy on your way out.’
Aidan grips the steering wheel so tightly I can see the white bone of his knuckles protruding underneath his stretched skin.
He’s terrified.
I’m terrified.
My shuddering breath won’t go back to normal. I want to curl myself into a ball, hug my knees to my chest and close my eyes tightly.
Block everything out.
The car speeds. I stare mindlessly out of the window.
Grey sky.
Grey buildings.
Grey road.
I name things the things I can see to distract myself from my tumultuous thoughts but it doesn’t work. Instead, I bite my lip so hard that it hurts, crushing the soft skin between my teeth until I taste the blood on my tongue.
‘We’re home!’ Kieron says excitedly as we turn onto our street.
And it’s there.
Again.
Underneath the beech tree, the white car.
I glare at it.
Instead of my usual fear, a growing indignation pulls back my shoulders, straightens my spine.
How dare they?
How dare whoever it is that’s following me, trying to scare me, be here today of all days.
Haven’t I been through enough?
I glance at my family. Haven’t we been through enough?
My upset morphs into anger. Rage bubbling beneath my skin.
The second Aidan stops on our driveway, I throw open my door and run back towards the road.
‘Lucy! No!’ I hear him call behind me, but my arms are pumping by my sides, my blood pumping in my veins.
I should be scared as I approach the car but Kieron’s decline has taken all of my fear.
I’m almost at the car. Ready to confront the person who has been watching me.
Today.
Now.