The shouting rises above the sound of his Xbox game. Connor crosses to his window. Mum is running down the street, yelling, ‘Get out and face me, you coward,’ literally shaking her fist at the white car speeding away. Dad calling her name. Kieron sitting stiffly in the back of the car.
He pounds down the stairs.
‘Come on, Kieron.’ Connor grabs his brother’s bag. ‘Let’s get you inside.’
‘I don’t understand what’s happening?’ Kieron is pale. Scared.
‘Mum’s just…’ Connor shrugs. ‘I dunno. She’s okay now. She’s coming back, look.’
Dad’s guiding Mum back to the house, his arm around her shoulders.
‘Who was she shouting at in that car?’ Kieron asks.
‘Probably the person who parked across our drive the other day and blocked her in,’ Connor lies.
‘But—’
‘What’s the goss from the hospital then?’
‘Fergus came to visit.’
‘Really?’ Connor’s hurt that Fergus hasn’t been in contact with him but then he reminds himself that he hasn’t been in touch with Ryan either and he feels bereft on behalf of his friend along with a desire to protect him.
‘Let’s not tell Ryan.’
‘Why?’
‘Because… Just because.’ He leaves it at that. ‘Ryan said he might pop over later.’ Unless Mel wants him to stay with her. She’s not coping well.
‘And Tyler?’
‘Nah. He’s… he’s got a job now.’
‘Wondered where he was getting his money from. He’s going to buy me Forza for my Xbox.’
‘I know. You’re lucky.’
‘And Fergus bought me a book.’ As soon as they are in Kieron’s bedroom he pulls it from his bag and hands it to Connor. ‘Look, she’s a vampire and her boobs are massive.’
They sprawl on the bed and Connor begins to read aloud to his brother.
His parents trudge slowly up the stairs, Mum rambling about the washing and there being too many pegs on the line. Dad trying to reassure her. Mum keeps mentioning the car. Connor wonders whether to tell her that since Tyler had disappeared he has seen it too and is scared the driver is after him.
‘You haven’t slept properly in days,’ Dad says. ‘And Mr Peters… You’ve had a huge shock. Let’s get you back in your own bed, you can get some proper rest.’ It’s as though she suddenly is the child and this is worrying.
‘I don’t understand what’s happening,’ she keeps saying over and over, almost in tears.
Connor doesn’t understand either but he reads another chapter of the book, louder this time, but not loud enough to mask his parents.
‘Are you sure Mum’s okay?’ Kieron whispers. He’s afraid. Hell, Connor is afraid.
‘She’s exhausted, stressed.’ He says this solely to reassure Kieron but then there’s a pang of guilt in his chest as he realizes it’s true. Him and Kieron aren’t the only ones going through something. ‘Back in a sec.’ He tentatively walks into his parents’ bedroom.
‘Mum? Can I make you a cup of tea or something?’ he offers.
‘No thanks, Connor.’ She doesn’t even give him her Mr Potato Head smile.
‘Let Mum rest, I’ll go to the chippy,’ Dad says.
Connor waits for mum to say all the grease is bad for them but instead she says, ‘None for me,’ as she slips off her shoes and lays down. Dad pulls the covers over her and Connor is wrapped in the warmth of the memory of Dad sitting on the edge of his bed, reading him Paddington until he fell asleep. He wonders if mum feels the same sense of safety that he used to. The overwhelming security of being loved. He wishes he could recapture those feelings, stretches for them sometimes, but they are out of his reach. He wants to tell Mum that he loves her but he can’t say the words, instead he tells her goodnight. Even though it’s only 4.30 he doesn’t think he’ll see her again today, she’s already half asleep.
By eight o’clock, him, Dad and Kieron have eaten fish, chips and mushy peas and yawned through a couple of episodes of The Simpsons. The past few days has caught up with them all.
‘I’ve got to go and check on a horse,’ Dad says. ‘Don’t disturb your mum. She needs to catch up on her rest after days of kipping on a camp bed. You two look shattered as well. Early night?’
It is stupidly early but if Connor goes to bed Kieron will too, besides he’s barely slept since Tyler vanished. It’s embarrassing going to bed this early but by 8.15 he is tucked up, surrendering to sleep.
Connor jolts upright from another nightmare, heart hammering, sheets drenched with sweat. He’s clawing at his chest, remembering the cold, putrid water filling his lungs before his hands had grappled for Hailey.
He covers his face, not wanting to remember his dare again, but he can’t help it. Tyler going missing has brought everything he was trying to forget back, with frightening clarity.
‘No way.’ Connor had stared at the lake. The moon reflecting a lonely circle on the far side of the black water. Something to aim for, if he was going to swim across, which he absolutely wasn’t.
‘Chicken.’ Tyler had tucked his elbows into his waist and flapped his arm like a bird.
‘I’m not scared.’ But he was. Connor was a strong swimmer but the thought of taking his clothes off in front of the others, his pale flesh covered in goose bumps, the shrinkage the cold water would cause, made him shiver. It wasn’t something he’d want Hailey to witness. ‘I don’t have a towel.’
‘I do.’ Tyler patted his rucksack.
Hailey slipped her hand into his. The reassuring squeeze of her fingers told him that she wouldn’t judge him if he didn’t do it. In return he tightened his fingers around hers thanking her for not trying to talk him out of it in front of the others.
‘Fuck’s sake.’ Connor was angry with Tyler, angry with himself. They were seventeen. Too old for this shit really. ‘I can’t even see the other side.’
‘We kayaked across it earlier – you know it’s not as far as it looks,’ Tyler said.
In a boat. With a paddle. It was stupid. Every summer his mum drummed into him never to swim unsupervised in a lake. He should walk away.
‘Seriously, Con.’ The whites of Ryan’s eyes glowed bright. ‘It’s okay. Remember Pleasureland?’
A shared memory passed between them. They must have been about ten. A day trip to the seaside with their parents. Mum and Melissa sprawled on the sand, faces upturned to the sun. Fergus fetching pints of beer in plastic glasses from the beach bar. Dad pushing coins into his hand telling them to go to the fair on the pier, and have a good time. The euphoria they had felt as they scrambled up the steps to the giant inflatable slide, the sensation of climbing into the sky. His stomach plummeting as he realized how high they were. The tears that gathered as he tried to force himself down the slide but his body had been frozen in fear.
‘It’s okay. Whatever,’ Ryan had said then, heading back down the steps the way that they had come. Ignoring the smirks of the other kids as they took in Connor’s tear-stained face. At the bottom, Ryan had bought candyfloss with the rest of the money and they’d headed back to their parents, Ryan never once laughing at him.
Connor knew he wouldn’t now either.
Hailey shuffled closer to him, their thighs pressing together. It was cold. It wasn’t fair to keep her hanging around outside. He needed to make a decision. Briefly he thought about ushering her back to the dorm. What’s the worst that could happen? Hurt pride and a bit of light piss-taking. Or should he get it over with and hold on to his dignity?
‘Let’s get this done,’ he had said.
‘We’ll run around to the other side, to the wooden walkway bit where they tether the kayaks. Hailey can bring your clothes round. Meet you there soon.’ Tyler said.
‘Connor…’ Ryan clapped him on the back. ‘You’ll be fine.’
Hailey stood on tiptoes and pressed her lips hard against his and then her mouth against his ear.
‘This is dangerous. You should just say no.’
‘I’ll be okay.’ He flexed his biceps and she laughed but he wasn’t feeling like a man at all as he picked his way down to the shore, more like a scared boy. A stupid boy. He unlaced his boots and pulled them off, followed by his socks. The ground was damp. Freezing under his feet. Quickly he undid his belt, unzipped his jeans and tugged them down.
The pebbles were sharp as he picked his way across them. Something ripped his skin. It stung. Great, now he was probably bleeding. He glanced around for the others, but they’d been swallowed by the night. He couldn’t hear their footsteps, but in the distance, Tyler’s voice. If he started now they’d be there when he climbed out, Hailey holding the towel wide and open. Enveloping him in its warmth.
He dipped a toe into the water. It was freezing. He hesitated. But then he remembered all the times his mum had ripped a plaster off a scraped knee or elbow.
‘Best to get it over with,’ she’d say before kissing the wound better.
Connor hobbled over the uneven ground. The slime in the water covered his feet, his knees, his hips. He took a moment. His breath catching in his chest. His limbs already turning numb.
This was stupid.
He plunged forward, face wet. The lake was pungent – something rotten like eggs and he could taste it on his tongue, smell it in his nostrils. Front crawl was always his best stroke and he set off at a reasonable pace, trying not to tire himself too soon, but not wanting to hang around longer than he had to. His arms sliced through the water.
Three strokes, head turn, breath.
Three strokes, head turn, breath.
Every now and then he would glance forward, fix his eyes on the moon, knowing that Hailey was waiting the other side.
God, it was cold.
His pace was slower than usual. His body felt heavy. For a split second he worried that he wouldn’t make it but his nerves drove him forward. Harder. Faster.
‘Come on Connor. Almost there!’
He heard the shouts, looked up. Shadowed on the shore were the others.
Connor stopped, his body shifting from horizontal to vertical, raised his arm and waved.
It was while he was treading water he felt it. A slither of something against his toes. In a knee-jerk reaction, he kicked it off. His feet flailed furiously. Something tangled around his ankle, slippery and strong. He should have relaxed. He dived underwater and tried to free himself, but panic had a hold of him as tight as the reeds that wrapped around him. He tried to swim forwards, pull himself free, was dragged underwater. Water filled his mouth, his throat, stung his eyes. Frantically, he paddled his hands, tried to kick his legs. Broke free of the surface, coughing and spluttering.
He couldn’t keep still, had to keep treading water or he’d sink, but the more he fought to be free the more tangled he became.
‘Help!’ The scream tore from somewhere deep in his belly but still his voice sounded small in the vastness of the lake. The blackness of the night. ‘Help.’
‘Very funny!’ Tyler shouted back.
Connor dipped again. Water in his ears. His eyes. Everywhere. His strength was seeping away, but the desire to live was fierce. He plunged under the water and prised his fingers in between the weed and his ankle. Tugged once.
Twice.
Three times.
It didn’t snap.
It didn’t even give a little. His lungs were on fire. Desperate for air, he broke free of the surface, the cool breeze immediately chilling his face. He was scared, more than scared, he was terrified.
He thought of Kieron, how much he wanted to survive, and curling around his terror was a shame that he had thrown his life away for a stupid dare.
‘Help.’
He couldn’t stay afloat for much longer. His body as heavy as iron.
A cry.
A splash.
Someone swimming towards him.
Hailey.
‘Connor!’ She reached him and he wound his arms around her neck, tried to calm himself down.
Failed to calm himself down.
He was heavy. Too heavy for her and she disappeared underwater before she rose again, heaving water out of her mouth.
‘Do…’ She struggled for breath. ‘Do you have cramp?’
‘Something…’ His voice was too high, like a girl’s. ‘Something around my ankle.’
Without a word, she threw herself under the water again. He felt her hands travel down his body, his chest, his stomach, his legs. He was falling. Without meaning to he drew his knee up abruptly to fall back into the momentum of treading water and somehow pushed Hailey away from him.
She didn’t surface.
Even more panicked, his hands snaked through the water trying to find her clothes to drag her back up.
‘Hailey!’ he called, grasping nothing but air. ‘Hailey!’
More splashes. Tyler and Ryan calling at him to hold on, that they were coming.
He couldn’t feel Hailey.
Hear her.
See her.
He couldn’t find her.
She was gone.
Sitting up in bed now, he pinches himself, in short, sharp snaps all over his arms, but he can’t stop his mind racing. Hailey is gone and it’s all his fault. He folds his fingers into his palms, draws his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them. Dropping his forehead onto his kneecaps with a jolt, feeling bone against bone, fighting the urge to do it again, harder, to hurt himself.
He needs to speak to someone, not about Hailey but about… anything. Crap. Take his mind off her and his guilt and his regret. Mindless chatter to slow his heart and still his mind so he can sleep again. Ryan never goes to bed until at least midnight. Connor doesn’t usually either. He tries to FaceTime but Ryan doesn’t pick up.
He waits a few minutes, imagining Ryan pausing his Xbox, picking up his phone and he calls him again.
And again.
He can’t remember a time Ryan wasn’t at the end of his phone but his calls remain unanswered.
There was that figure standing near the school.
The sense of eyes on his back.
Mum chasing away the car.
Christ, what has happened to Tyler?
He curls into a ball on his side, reassuring himself that Ryan can’t have disappeared like Tyler. Any second now he’ll call back.
He stares at his phone, willing it to ring so he knows Ryan is okay.
It doesn’t.