Chapter Twelve: Membership Has Its Privileges
1. I was clueless about designer gowns. When I found out I would be going to the Emmys I searched online for dresses. I was thisssssss close to ordering one of those designer knockoffs from one of those scam websites that sends everything in a size 4 in inferior material.
2. Just so you know, the Emmy show itself is never fun. Jimmy was charming as always, but no amount of charm can make up for how long the show is. The most exciting moment happened in the bathroom when I couldn’t get my Spanx back up and the secondary shaper snapped back into position so I just gave up. Oh, and on my way back to my seat I ran into Erika Christensen. I was like, “Hey! So good to see you! Last night was so fun!” She looked at me like I was crazy. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, all pissy. We hung out at Evening Before, no? “I think you’re mixing me up with someone else.” At first I was like, was she that drunk? How could she not remember? Meanwhile, I’m the dumbass. Because it wasn’t Erika Christensen at all but Julia Stiles. Apparently this happens to her all the time. But you know what? I don’t even feel half bad about it cuz people do this to black folks all the time! I get confused with Yvette Nicole Brown, Loni Love, Sherri Shepherd, Octavia Spencer, Danielle Brooks, and Gabourey Sidibe. All these women are wonderful. I love them. I’m not them.
3. There was so much more to go down that night but I will refrain from elaborating to protect the innocent. There was an incident of motorboating. That I can tell you.
4. Please forgive my poor attempt at writing a British accent. I can’t do one, much less write one.
5. I don’t know what it is but I always have to say Jon AND Hamm when talking about Jon Hamm. My friend Rosa laughed at me once when I referred to him as Jon. It just sounded too familiar. Like, ooh oooooh, look at you. What, are you friends with Jon Hamm all of a sudden?