It was catastrophic.
Oh, I tried hard enough. I smiled as much as I could. When my cheeks got tired, I put the pencil in my mouth again. I showed my teeth to Trudie Stig. I even beamed at Poison Cloud, although he was now studiously ignoring me. (I kept my eyes away from Eliza Marshmallow so I wouldn’t have to smile at her.)
Mrs Stoep was looking at me strangely.
‘No,’ I said to her.
‘Something wrong with you, Master Poopoo?’ she asked.
I had a slight coughing fit. Ms Blit had suggested my doing that before answering questions, because it would help get my answers into sync.
‘I’m just fine, just fine, just fine,’ I said. I was starting to feel uncomfortable so I stuck the pencil back in my mouth. My zygomaticus muscles immediately twitched my smile back on. Got to keep that amygdala calm.
Mrs Stoep went back to marking her books.
If I was going to grin all the time, I figured might as well focus on someone who I actually wanted to smile at. I kept my gaze fixed on Trudie, who was even prettier than Eliza, and not nearly so mean. I made my eyes as big as I could until my oculi muscles started to ache.
When the bell rang to mark the end of the school day, I stuffed my books into my bag and walked fast, until I was a few steps behind Trudie. I didn’t have the nerve to actually talk to her, but I wanted her to know that she was the only girl lucky enough to receive beaming zygo-matics from me.
Suddenly she turned around and caught my eye. It was working! She walked straight towards me.
‘Yes, yes, I have,’ I stammered.
‘You’ve been staring at me all afternoon,’ she said. ‘With, like, this weird expression on your face.’
She wasn’t smiling.
‘Oh?’ I said.
‘You know something, Mr Poopoo-head?’ she said. ‘Yesterday I thought you were weird and obnoxious, but I’ve changed my mind.’
‘Oh dear,’ I said.
‘Now I think you are weird and obnoxious and creepy. Stay away from me or I’ll report you for stalking.’
She turned and walked away.