CHAPTER 2: HOW TO FEEL HAPPY
AND PRESENT
Conquering Worry and Negativity
A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.
Dark thoughts in the mind are not “you,” but are false messages from the brain. And because you are not your brain, you don’t have to listen to them.
NOW THAT WE’VE TALKED ABOUT a few ways to help you calm down during a crisis, let’s turn our attention to maintaining your emotional center from day to day. Like anything else—losing weight, mastering a sport, or learning to play a musical instrument—it all comes down to discipline.
Developing the habit of accurate, honest, and disciplined thinking is essential to overcoming worry and anxiety.
Now, this is not positive thinking, which can actually inhibit feeling better over the long run. People who live by the philosophy “Don’t worry; be happy” tend to die the earliest from accidents and preventable illnesses. Why? Because believing the future will be favorable without following a plan and putting in consistent effort can prevent people from taking the actions that will likely make that belief a reality.[1]
This chapter will help you develop the mental discipline necessary for success, including eliminating the ANTs (automatic negative thoughts), quieting your mind, having an appropriate level of anxiety, and focusing on gratitude.
You Are What You Think
According to a 2015 study from Microsoft, the human attention span is eight seconds.[2] To give you a little perspective, a goldfish’s attention span has been estimated at nine seconds. Simply put, human development seems to be going the wrong way, and the technology we were led to believe is helping us is actually making it worse![3] Studies show that people who have the most screen time (TV, texting, video games) have a higher incidence of feeling unhappy.
With modern technology stealing our attention span and directing our minds to the will of corporate America, disciplining the habits of our moment-by-moment thoughts is an essential skill for achieving and maintaining happiness and purpose.
Every time you have a thought, your brain releases chemicals. That’s how your brain works. You have a thought, your brain releases chemicals, electrical transmissions travel throughout your brain, and you become aware of what you’re thinking. Thoughts are real, and they have a powerful impact on how you feel and behave. Just as a muscle that’s exercised becomes stronger, repeatedly thinking the same thoughts makes them stronger too.
Every time you have an angry, unkind, hopeless, helpless, worthless, sad, or irritating thought, such as I’m stupid, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel bad. In this way, your body reacts to every negative thought you have. When most people are angry, their muscles become tense, their hearts beat faster, their hands start to sweat, and they may even begin to feel a little dizzy.
Similarly, every time you have a happy, hopeful, kind, optimistic, positive thought, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel good. When most people are happy, their muscles relax, their hearts beat more slowly, their hands become dry, and they breathe more evenly.
Your body reacts to every thought you have, whether it is about work, friends, family, or anything else. This is why when people become upset, they often develop physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, or diarrhea, or they become more susceptible to illness. Just as pollution in Los Angeles or Beijing affects everyone who goes outdoors, so, too, do negative thoughts pollute your mind and your body.
In generations past, negative thoughts protected us from early death or becoming supper for powerful animals, so in essence, being aware of and avoiding danger was crucial to survival. Unfortunately, even when the world became safer, negativity bias remained in our brains.
Researchers have demonstrated that negative experiences have a greater impact on the brain than positive ones.[4] People pay more attention to negative than to positive news, which is why news outlets typically lead broadcasts with floods, murders, political disasters, and all forms of mayhem. According to research from the content marketing website Outbrain.com, in two periods of 2012 the average click-through rate on headlines with negative adjectives was an astounding 63 percent higher than for headlines with positive ones.[5] Unfortunately, a negative perspective is more contagious than a positive one, which may be why political campaigns typically go negative at the end.
Even our language is not exempt: 62 percent of the words in the English dictionary connote negative emotions, while only 32 percent express positive ones.[6]
Psychologist and author Rick Hanson has written that the brain is wired for negativity bias. Bad news is quickly stored in the brain to keep us safe, but positive experiences have to be held in consciousness for more than 12 seconds before they stay with us. “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones,” Hanson wrote.[7]
Further, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, suggested that without other thoughts to occupy us, our brains will always return to worry. The only way to escape this is to focus on what will bring “flow”—activities that increase our sense of purpose and achievement.
In short, negative emotions “trump” positive emotions, which is why it is critical to discipline your natural tendency toward the negative and amplify more helpful thoughts and emotions. Unless disciplined and bridled, negative thoughts (I am worthless; I am stupid; I have no control over anything in my life) will lie to you and wreak havoc in your life. If you never challenge your thoughts, you will simply believe them and then act out of that erroneous belief.
If, for example, I thought, My wife never listens to me, I’d feel lonely, mad, and sad. I would give myself permission to be rude to her or ignore her. My reaction to the lie I was telling myself could cause a negative spiral in my marriage, which could then literally ruin the rest of my life.
By repeatedly allowing undisciplined thoughts to invade your mind, you are more likely to behave in ways that make terrible things happen, which is why it is critical to get control over your thoughts.
Conquering the Negative Thoughts That Steal Your Happiness
I coined the term ANTs in the early 1990s after a hard day at the office. I had seen four suicidal patients, two teens who had run away from home, and two couples who hated each other, and then that evening, when I arrived home and walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by an ant infestation. There were thousands of the pesky invaders marching in lines on the floor and crawling in the sink, on the countertops, and in the cabinets. Construction in our neighborhood had disturbed the earth, and the ants were looking for a new residence. As I wetted paper towels and began wiping up the horde of ants, the acronym ANT—automatic negative thought—just came to me.
As I thought about my patients that day, I realized that, just like my kitchen, they were also infested with ANTs that were robbing them of their joy and stealing their happiness, and a bizarre image came to me of ANTs crawling on top of their heads and out of their eyes, noses, and ears. The ANTs were literally setting up residence inside my patients’ minds. The next day, I brought a can of ant spray to work and placed it on my coffee table. As I started to talk about the concept with my patients, they understood it right away.
Think of automatic negative thoughts as you would the ants that might bother a couple at a romantic picnic. One negative thought, like one ant at a picnic, is not a big problem. Two or three automatic negative thoughts, like two or three ants at a picnic, become a bit more irritating. Twenty or thirty automatic negative thoughts, like twenty or thirty ants at a picnic, may cause the couple to pick up and leave. The more you allow the ANTs to stick around in your head, the more they will “mate” with other ANTs and produce offspring that drive anxiety, depression, anger, and relationship turmoil.
As the discussions about ANTs continued in my office, I eventually replaced the can of ant spray with a black ant puppet and an adorable, furry anteater puppet. I then developed a simple exercise to help my patients eliminate the ANTs: Whenever you feel sad, mad, nervous, or out of control, write down your automatic negative thoughts and talk back to them. When you have a negative thought without challenging it (I’m worthless), your mind believes it and your body reacts to it. But, if you can correct negative thoughts (I was made in the image of God. I bring value and joy to my spouse’s life, my children’s lives, and my friends’ lives), you take away their power.
Learning how to direct, question, and correct your automatic negative thoughts is not a new concept. Two of my favorite New Testament verses are from the apostle Paul:
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Even 2,000 years ago, Paul taught about the benefits of filling our minds with what is good and positive! And more recently, in the 1960s, psychiatrist Aaron Beck formalized a school of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is a structured way to teach patients to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts.
The good news is, you can learn how to eliminate the automatic negative thoughts and replace them with more helpful thoughts that give you a more accurate, fair assessment of any situation. And it’s not just “positive thinking” that ignores reality; it is accurate, honest thinking, and once you learn how to do it, it can completely change your life.
Over the years, therapists have identified seven different types of negative thought patterns that keep your mind off-balance. I like to think of these as “species” of ANTs. They go by various names, but the ones I like to use are:
- All-or-Nothing ANTs: Thinking that things are either all good or all bad
- Just the Bad ANTs: Seeing only the bad in a situation
- Guilt-Beating ANTs: Thinking in words like should, must, ought, or have to
- Labeling ANTs: Attaching a negative label to yourself or someone else
- Fortune-Teller ANTs: Predicting the worst possible outcome for a situation with little or no evidence for it
- Mind Reader ANTs: Believing you know what other people are thinking even though they haven’t told you
- Blaming ANTs: Blaming someone else for your problems
Let’s take a closer look at each and talk about ways you can stomp them out once and for all.
- All-or-Nothing ANTs. These sneaky ANTs make you feel sorry for yourself. They don’t use words like sometimes or maybe. All-or-Nothing ANTs think in absolutes—words like all, always, never, none, nothing, no one, everyone, and every time.
I once met a woman who told me she hated the gym so much that she would never exercise. This is an example of all-or-nothing thinking, believing that everything is either all good or all bad. The key to overcoming All-or-Nothing ANTs is to stop thinking in absolute terms.
“Do you like to dance?” I asked her.
“Oh, I love to dance,” she replied.
“How about taking a walk on the beach?” I asked.
“I like that too,” she said.
When I told her that dancing and walking on the beach are forms of exercise, she gave me a puzzled look. She had always equated “exercise” with the gym. When she realized that any type of physical activity qualified as exercise, she said, “Maybe I don’t hate to exercise; maybe I just hate the gym.”
Questioning the ANTs helps to send them packing.
- Just the Bad ANTs. This ANT can’t see anything good! Its beady eyes zoom in on mistakes and problems, and it fills your head with failure, frustration, sadness, and fear. As we discussed earlier, the brain is wired for negativity, and this ANT can take virtually any positive experience and taint it with negativity. It is the judge, jury, and executioner of new experiences, new relationships, and new habits.
Some examples of Just the Bad ANTs include thoughts like these:
I wanted to lose 30 pounds in 10 weeks, but I’ve only lost 8 pounds. I’m a complete failure.
I went to the gym and did a hard workout, but the guy on the bike next to me was talking the whole time, so I’m never going back there.
I gave a presentation at work to 30 people. Even though people told me they liked it, one person fell asleep during my talk, so it must have really been terrible.
As we’ve seen, focusing on the negative releases brain chemicals that make you feel bad, and that reduces brain activity in the area involved with self-control, judgment, and planning. This, in turn, increases the odds of your making bad choices, such as ordering a third drink, eating a bowlful of chips, or staying up so late updating your social networking site that you wake up exhausted and need to guzzle caffeine to get going.
But just as focusing on Just the Bad ANTs sets you up for failure, focusing on the positive will improve your mood and help you feel better about yourself. Putting a positive spin on your thoughts leads to positive changes in your brain that make you happier and smarter. Here’s how one could think differently about those situations listed above:
I have already lost 8 pounds and have changed my lifestyle, so I will continue to lose weight until I reach my goal of losing 30 pounds.
After working out, I had a lot more energy for the rest of the day.
Most people told me they liked my presentation. I wonder if the person who fell asleep during it stayed up too late last night.
- Guilt-Beating ANTs. Growing up Roman Catholic and going to parochial schools through ninth grade, I had to pass both Guilt 101 and Advanced Guilt. Just kidding—but should and shouldn’t were both common words when I was growing up. Of course, there are many important should and shouldn’t thoughts (you shouldn’t overeat; you shouldn’t drink to excess), but in my more than 35 years as a psychiatrist, I’ve found that guilt is generally not a helpful motivator of behavior, as it often backfires and can be counterproductive to your goals.
Here are some examples of Guilt-Beating ANTs:
I should visit my parents.
I have to give up sugar.
I must start counting my calories.
I ought to go to the gym more.
I should be more giving.
What happens when you allow these ANTs to circle in your mind? Do they make you more inclined to visit your parents, cut the sugar, count calories, hit the gym, or be more giving? I doubt it. It is human nature to push back when we feel as if we “must” do something, even if it is to our benefit.
The key to overcoming Guilt-Beating ANTs is to replace them with phrases like I want to do this, It fits with my goals to do that, or It would be helpful to do this. Following this line of thinking, it would be beneficial to change the phrases in the examples above:
I want to visit my parents because they are special to me.
My goal is to stop eating sugar because it will reduce my cravings; prevent energy crashes, diabetes, and inflammation in my body; and get me off this emotional roller coaster.
I want to count my calories because it will help me learn to take control of my eating.
It is in my best interest to go to the gym because it will help me feel more energized.
I am a giving person, and it is my goal to give more to causes I believe are worthwhile.
- Labeling ANTs. Whenever you label yourself or someone else with a negative term, you inhibit your ability to take an honest look at the situation. Labeling ANTs strengthen negative pathways in the brain, making the ruts deeper and their walls thicker. These habitual ruts lead to troubled behaviors. If, for example, you label yourself as “lazy,” then why bother trying to do better in school or at work? Labeling ANTs will cause you to give up before you try, and they will keep you stuck in your old ways. Examples of Labeling ANTs include:
I’m lazy.
I’m a loser.
I’m a lousy businessperson.
The problem with Labeling ANTs is that they trick you into thinking that it is impossible to change. You are what you are. But that’s not true! Remember, Paul tells us that we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds. So change your thinking to focus on what’s possible:
I know I can do better in school if I just apply myself more. I’m going to ask my teacher to help me set up a study plan and show me some time-management skills.
I am capable of so much more than I have given myself credit for. I am going to commit to eating better, exercising more, and spending more time with family and friends.
I know I can do better at work. I’m going to make a list of my strengths and strategize ways to use them more effectively.
A word of caution: Even positive labels can be harmful. I tell parents, for example, never to praise children for being smart; praise them instead for working hard. When you tell children they are smart, they become more performance oriented and assume that intelligence cannot be improved. If they start to struggle with a new task, they may feel “not smart” and give up. But if you praise children for working hard, when they come up against a difficult task, they will persist because “they work hard.”
- Fortune-Teller ANTs. Don’t listen to these lying ANTs! Fortune-Teller ANTs think they can see what is going to happen in the future, but all they really do is think up bad stuff that makes you upset. They creep into your mind and fill the future with fear. Of course, it is always helpful to prepare for potential problems, but if you spend all your time focused on a fearful future, you will be filled with anxiety. Examples of this deceiver include:
If I run, I’ll sprain my ankle.
If I give that presentation, I will have a panic attack.
None of my investments will pay off.
If I go to bed earlier, I’m just going to lie there awake for hours.
Predicting the worst in a situation causes an immediate rise in heart and breathing rates and can make you feel anxious. It can trigger cravings for sugar or refined carbs and make you feel as if you need to eat to calm your anxiety.
What makes Fortune-Teller ANTs even worse is that your mind is so powerful, it can make what you imagine happen. When you think you will sprain your ankle, for example, that thought may deactivate the cerebellum, making you more clumsy and likely to get hurt. Similarly, if you are convinced you won’t get a good night’s sleep or find a new relationship, you will be less likely to engage in the behaviors that might make it so.
The key to eliminating this ANT is to talk back to it:
As long as I stretch and remain focused when I run, I will be fine.
I am going to ace that presentation.
I am going to make sound, informed financial investments. That way, even if some of them don’t work out, I’ll still land on my feet.
If I can’t fall asleep right away, I’ll just read a good book until I get tired.
- Mind Reader ANTs. This ANT is convinced it can see inside someone else’s mind and know how others think and feel without even being told. It leads you to tell yourself things like, Everyone thinks I am stupid or They are laughing at me. When you’re sure you know what others are thinking even though they have not told you and you have not asked them, you are feeding your Mind Reader ANTs.
I have 25 years of education, and I can’t tell what anyone else is thinking unless they tell me. A glance in your direction doesn’t mean somebody is talking about you or mad at you. I tell people that a negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than that he or she is constipated! You just don’t know. Other examples of Mind Reader ANTs include thoughts like:
My boss doesn’t like me.
My martial arts teacher doesn’t respect me because I’m fat.
My friends think I won’t be able to keep up with them on our hike.
My father thinks I’ll never amount to much.
I teach all my patients the “18-40-60 Rule,” which says that when you are 18 you worry about what everyone thinks of you; when you are 40 you don’t care what anyone thinks about you; and when you are 60 you realize no one has been thinking about you at all. The vast majority of people spend their days worrying and thinking about themselves, not about you, so stop trying to read their minds. Don’t let this ANT erase your good feelings. When there are things you don’t understand, ask for clarification. Mind Reader ANTs are infectious and cause trouble between people.
- Blaming ANTs. When things go wrong, the Blaming ANT always sings the same old sad song: He did it! She did it! It’s not my fault! It’s your fault! This ANT doesn’t want you to admit your mistakes or to learn how to fix things and make them right; it wants you to be a victim.
Of all the ANTs, Blaming ANTs are the most toxic. I call them red ANTs, because they not only steal your happiness, they also drain you of your personal power. When you blame something or someone else for the problems in your life, you become a victim of circumstances who can’t do anything to change the situation. Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you have a tendency to say things like:
If only you hadn’t done that, I would have been successful.
It’s your fault I failed because you didn’t do enough to help me.
It’s not my fault I eat too much; my mom taught me to clean my plate.
I’m having trouble meeting this deadline because the client keeps changing his mind. I’m miserable, and it’s all his fault!
My boyfriend didn’t call on time, and now it’s too late to go to that movie I wanted to see. He’s ruined my night!
Beginning a sentence with “It is your fault that I . . .” can ruin your life. In order to break free from the Blaming ANT addiction, you have to change your thinking by making it your responsibility to change. It is your life.
I love what author Vernon Howard once wrote: “Permitting your life to be taken over by another person is like letting the waiter eat your dinner.”
At the same time, self-blame is equally toxic. Always strive to be a good coach to yourself, rather than someone who is toxic or abusive.
As you can see, it is possible to learn how to listen to your thoughts and redirect them so that you feel happier and more positive. Whenever you feel sad, mad, nervous, or out of control:
- Write down your automatic negative thoughts (ANTs).
- Identify the ANT species. (It may be more than one.)
- Ask yourself if you are 100 percent sure the thought is true.
- Redirect your thoughts to focus on what is true.
Confronting ANTs with truth is a powerful tool. Don’t believe every stupid thought you have. Instead, remember the wisdom of Paul: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8, NIV).
As soon as you awaken or your feet hit the floor in the morning, say these words out loud: “Today is going to be a great day.” Because your mind is prone to negativity, it will find stress in the upcoming day unless you train and discipline it. When you direct your thoughts to “Today is going to be a great day,” your brain will help you uncover the reasons why it will be so. You have a choice in where you direct your attention, even in times of crisis.
Learning how to defeat your ANTs and redirect your mind with positive thoughts will help you overcome worry, anxiety, and self-defeatism and live your best possible life.