I stirred restlessly. The pain woke me again. We'd been traveling for just over a week. The last stop, at a tiny station for refueling, had been two days earlier. The ship was handling beautifully. The new engines purred. Not that I'd been allowed to touch the controls. Xerian calmly told me that it wasn't a good idea for me to try flying. The meds I was on interfered with my coordination. I hated them, I hated having to take them. Xerian insisted they were necessary. Tayvis backed him up. I gave in and took them without complaining. I didn't tell either of them about the pain. It was mine to deal with.
I slipped out of the bed, careful not to disturb Tayvis. It was the middle of the night, ship time. The door slid open. I stepped out into the dim light of the lounge. The middle cabin door was open. I heard a murmur of voices from inside. It sounded like Darus and Everett. Someone was always awake on the ship, just in case. I stepped silently past their cabin and into the shadows of the cockpit.
Pain rippled up through my middle, dull and aching. I sat in my seat, the pilot's seat, breathing lightly through the pain. It was slowly getting worse, day by day. I lifted my feet into the copilot's chair, trying to shift to a more comfortable position. The viewscreen showed a flickering, flowing stream of everchanging color. I ran my hand lightly over the controls, not actually touching anything. I wanted to fly again. I wanted to be free. I wanted to feel the ship responding to my touch, to feel the engines roaring to life. I sighed and tucked my hands into my lap.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I could hear the heartbeat of the ship, a low pulsing as the engine cycled. I tried to sleep. The pain was still there, keeping me awake. I gave up and just watched the viewscreen.
"Dace?"
I looked over my shoulder. Tayvis stood in the doorway, yawning. His hair was tousled from sleep.
"I tried to let you sleep," I said, looking back at the viewscreen.
"Do you need me to get Xerian for you?"
I shook my head. I didn't want him prodding me and giving me more drugs.
Tayvis stepped forward. He lifted my feet out of the copilots chair and sat down. He pulled my feet onto his lap. We sat in silence for a while.
"Do you want to tell me why you're here and not asleep?" he finally asked.
"No," I answered honestly.
He watched my face, his own painted strangely by the reflected light from the viewscreen. His hands rubbed my feet, warm and soothing.
"If you're in pain, I'm sure Xerian has something to help."
"The patches don't help. They just make me sick to my stomach."
"Xerian wants to do a full scan, as soon as we reach Besht."
I told Tayvis what Xerian could do with his scan. Tayvis grinned.
"I don't want to know, Tayvis," I admitted. "If I'm getting better, it will be obvious soon enough. And if I'm not, I don't want to know."
"What if the treatment worked?"
"And what if it didn't?" I looked down at his hands, rubbing my feet. "What if we only have a few more weeks? I don't want to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, waiting for bad news. I've done that enough."
"What if I want to know?"
I bit my lip. He was right. It wasn't just me anymore. "What difference will it make?" Will you leave me if I'm dying? I asked silently. I was afraid of the answer. I carefully avoided looking at his face. I didn't want to see the answer I was afraid of in his eyes.
"Dace." He waited.
I refused to look up.
"Look at me."
I kept my eyes locked on his hands. He reached across the space between us. He cupped my chin in his hand. His thumb stroked my cheek. I closed my eyes.
"I promised I'd be there for you. No matter what."
"Then why do you want to know if I'm dying or not?"
I opened my eyes. I saw the pain in his face.
"I'm not leaving you," he insisted.
"You did before." It slipped out before I could stop it.
"And I still hate myself for it."
"How much did you know before you married me? Did the medics tell you everything?"
His thumb stopped moving. I waited for the answer. I had to know.
"Yes." It came out a whisper.
"Then why did you still marry me?" My voice cracked, but I had to know the answer. The drug I'd been addicted to should have killed me. Its absence almost had. The last medical tests I'd looked at had shown massive tumor growth caused by withdrawal from the drug. I had residual nerve damage as well. The intense two weeks of treatments I'd gone through were experimental. The medics had explained, briefly, the theory. And the risk. They'd dosed me with very high levels of a growth stimulant at the same time they poured a cocktail of tumor suppressants into me. Their hope was that the growth factor would cause the tissue damage, especially the nerves, to regenerate. The suppressants were supposed to limit the regeneration. If it worked, the convulsions and nerve tremors would be gone. But there was a high risk that the cancers already present would grow uncontrollably. I had, at most, a few more months to live. Unless the medics had worked a miracle.
"I've been stupid long enough," Tayvis said. "A few months with you was better than losing you completely." He dropped his hand to my lap, catching my hand. "And if you feel it's important enough to head to Linas-Drias, then I'm coming with you. For whatever reason."
The lights flickered on. "Am I interrupting something?" Everett asked. He looked surprised to see us sitting in the dark. "I just came to check the pressure levels."
"They're fine," I said. They were, too. I'd checked, a habit I never hoped to break.
"Good enough," he said. "Do you want the lights off or on? Do you want the door closed?"
"Do you want your face broken?" I asked.
"Nice to see you're feeling well enough to threaten me. I'll let Xerian know he needs to up the dosage on your happy pills."
"Go away, Everett," Tayvis said.
"And don't you dare tell Xerian anything," I added.
Everett paused in the doorway. "Since you're awake anyway, you want to play Comets? I've heard stories about your cheating strategies. I was curious to see them for myself."
"You? Cheat at cards?" Tayvis asked me.
"Only against Jerimon and Lowell," I defended myself. Jerimon was Jasyn's brother. He'd made a pest of himself for a while before marrying Larella and emigrating to Onipas. Last I knew he had several children and was quite happy. I hadn't seen him in several years.
"Ginni explained some of it to me," Everett said.
I glanced at Tayvis. He seemed open enough to the idea. I looked over my shoulder at Everett.
"As long as Darus didn't mark the cards," I said.
"Deal," Everett said. His grin gave me second thoughts about playing against him.
Darus was sitting at the table, shuffling a well used deck of cards. He looked up as we came out of the cockpit. The lights in the lounge were still dimmed, but not as far as before.
"Four hands?" Darus started dealing without waiting for an answer.
"And a new deck," I said as I sat down. I flipped up three cards and pointed at the crumpled marks on the corner. "This one seems to be marked."
"Every deck on this ship is marked," Everett said. "At least five different ways. You aren't the only one that cheats around here." He grinned and picked up his hand.
"Well, at least everyone can cheat fairly," Tayvis said.
They left me a chair between Tayvis and Darus. Everett was across the table from me. He frowned as he sorted his cards. I sat down and picked up my cards.
I had a lousy hand, not that it seemed to matter. I knew exactly what everyone else had. The first round, no one scored anything. The second hand we all scored outrageously high.
"This is ridiculous," Tayvis said. "Stop cheating and just play."
"Bored already?" Everett asked. "We were just warming up."
"New deck," Tayvis said. "I think there was one in the galley drawer."
"It's marked," Darus said. He shot me an unreadable look.
"Next port, I'm buying new cards," Tayvis said. He muttered something about a ship full of cheaters under his breath.
"But look at the scores," I said. I turned the paper towards him. "Sorry, don't look." He was deep in negative points. The rest of us were way ahead. "Do you want me to teach you how to read the marks?"
"Which set?" Tayvis said. "I know how to cheat at cards, Dace. I don't need your help to do it."
"Judging by the scores, you do," Everett said.
"How about you quit looking and just play?" Tayvis grumbled.
"You just hate to lose," Darus said. For some reason, he was treating me like I was glass, careful not to tease me, just the others.
Darus put out a bladed seven. I glanced at my hand. I could wipe his points clear back into the negative, or I could give him a double comet. I played the three and gave him the comet. All three of them stared at my card.
"You sure that's what you want to play?" Tayvis asked me.
I looked at Darus. He was studying his cards.
"Just play the twelve, Tayvis," I said.
Darus got a double comet but only scored a measly eight points off it. Everett stole most of his bonuses. I lost points.
"Interesting strategy," Everett commented. "Are those pain patches affecting your judgment?"
"It kept Tayvis from scoring a triple nova," I said.
"That was just evil, Dace," Tayvis said, but he was grinning. "I see I'm going to have to cheat harder if I don't want to end up losing."
We played for a couple of hours. Paltronis came out of a back cabin, yawning and stretching. She watched us while she heated breakfast. She picked up the score sheet and read through the totals. "You're out of your league, Tayvis."
He was losing, badly. Darus and Everett were tied. I was way ahead of all three. I suspected they were letting me win.
Tayvis shuffled and dealt. Paltronis passed on playing with us. She poured herself a cup of hot juice, watching while we played.
My hands were starting to twitch. I could feel the tremors deep inside. I refused to admit I needed another dose of meds. I picked up my cards and sorted them.
Everett played a ten, a safe opener considering his hand. Darus played a two. It was risky but with the other cards he held, he was almost guaranteed at least a single nova. I pulled out a three. My hand started shaking. I couldn't hold my cards. They spilled across the table.
"Interesting play," Everett said. "Which card did you mean to put down? The rules state only one card at a time."
I tried to pick up the cards. My hands were twitching too badly. I clenched them into fists. Tayvis picked up my cards and put them back in front of me.
"Swear if it helps," Darus said. "You won't say anything I haven't heard before."
"Do you want me to get Xerian?" Paltronis asked.
"I think you'd better," Tayvis answered. He was watching me closely.
"I'm fine." I tried to stop the shaking in my hands and arms. It was spreading despite my willing every muscle to hold still.
"No, you aren't," Darus said. "Lie all you want, but you aren't fine."
"Stop treating me as if I'm going to shatter."
"Then stop living as if you're about to die," Darus shot back at me.
"The seven is your best card, Dace," Everett said calmly.
"If she plays that, you'll end up with a triple supernova and a pair of comets," Tayvis said. "That's underhanded and sneaky, even for you."
"It was worth a try," Everett said.
"I think I'm through playing for now," I said.
"You're just going to quit?"
"Haven't you said enough yet? Dad?" He flinched. "I think I'll go spend more time in the medunit. Again." I got up and almost fell on my face. My legs were shaking so hard I couldn't stand. Tayvis was there to catch me.
Xerian hurried out of the back cabin. He was yawning and only half dressed. He caught my other arm and helped Tayvis settle me on the padded bench at the back of the lounge. He had his medkit with him. He pulled out a patch and stuck it on my arm. I felt the drug kick in, sending me off into a fuzzy almost sleep.
"You know what this ship needs?" Everett asked no one in particular. "A cat. Too bad we left Ghost with Jasyn."