Farm life was incredibly boring. There were long days of nothing but wind and isolation. I walked the fence lines for hours. I knew nothing about the fields of grasses, they looked just like the grass outside the fences. The view from the top of the hills was desolate. Away from the farms, I saw nothing but rising hills, growing rockier and more wild with each ridge. I found a spot sheltered by boulders and spent several days doing nothing but watching the wind ripple through the grass.
Lowell spent most of his time in the house surrounded by datacubes, a tiny reader, and a handcomp. I had no idea what he was doing and didn't really care, not yet. Events would catch up to us sooner or later.
At least once a day, Lowell would storm out of the house in a fit of frustration. He'd march into the shed and haul out tools and equipment. He believed he was helping as he tried to fix the sagging spots in the fence. I could always tell how frustrated he was by the size of snarls in the fence wire. Sometimes he would decide to weed the fields of grass. He left craters full of dying plants behind him. Whatever he was working on, it wasn't going well.
Zecharias or one of his sons stopped by at least every other day. They invited us to ride along when they went into town for shopping. They invited us down to their farm for dinner. Lowell started accepting the invitations, especially the ride into town. He came back with food but no real information.
I stayed at the farm. I took apart the whole generator system and rebuilt it, borrowing tools from Zeke. Zeke thought they were for Lowell.
He came by one afternoon while I was rewiring the cooking unit and Lowell was destroying fences. He knocked at the door and came in without waiting for an invitation.
"Mom sent me up with fresh produce for you." He stopped in the middle of our front room, setting the basket of produce on a chair. "What are you doing?"
"Reseating the wires," I answered. I popped the knob back into place and turned it on. The heating coil glowed. I flipped it back off.
Zeke grinned. "The tools were for you?"
I shrugged. "The generator system needed an overhaul. I found a broken cleaner out in the shed and fixed that."
"You aren't really farmers, are you?" Zeke asked.
I pretended to be very busy putting the top back on the cooker. He was prying in dangerous territory, though I really hoped he didn't realize it.
"You found us out," Lowell said behind him.
I threaded a screw into place and tightened it down.
"Truth is, we're hopeless at farming," Lowell said conversationally. He moved over to the table where his datacubes and reader were still waiting. "I'm an author. I came out here looking for some quiet space to finish my latest book."
I didn't laugh, but it cost me. The last thing I wanted to do was blow our cover.
"Really?" Zeke chewed his lip as he studied us. "You do know that the government agents will kick you off the land if you haven't shown any improvements. It's the way the grants work."
Lowell smiled. "You tell your father that if he wants hay, he can work my fields all he wants. He takes whatever he wants and I get to write in peace."
Zeke grinned. "I'm sure he'll take you up on that."
I put the tools back in the case. I'd spent an afternoon cleaning and organizing them. Habits were hard to break. I snapped the case shut.
"The tractor still isn't running," Zeke said, eyeing me speculatively. "You want to come help?"
I handed the tool case to Zeke. I started to shake my head.
"Go on, Lia," Lowell said. "It will do you good."
"And then Dad won't feel so guilty about taking your land over," Zeke added.
"Tell your mother I'll be down for dinner," Lowell said.
I didn't want to go. I also knew arguing with Lowell in front of Zeke would be a bad idea. One of us might say something we shouldn't. I went.
Zeke didn't talk much on the ride down the hill. I stared out of the window of the truck. Why would Lowell push me into this? Because it would look suspicious if he didn't. And he knew I was itching to fix something, to do something that made me feel more like myself. I'd had about all the solitude I could stand.
I was still uncomfortable with the attention I got at the Cratchett farm. Zecharias and Teddy were out working one of the fields, whatever that meant. Tessa was in her kitchen, where she reigned supreme. She stuck her head out just long enough to find out what Zeke was doing.
"I found someone to help fix the tractor," Zeke called to her as we walked past the house.
She came all the way out of the farmhouse, watching me. I tried to ignore the itching between my shoulders as we went to the barn. She suspected something, I could feel it.
Zeke's other brother, Elias, was up to his elbows in engine parts on the far side of the barn. He glanced at us before going back to banging at the engine. Zeke put the tool case on a workbench. I picked up part of the engine that was lying on a cloth on the ground next to it.
"Think you can fix it?" Zeke asked me.
Elias glanced out from under the engine hood.
After spaceship engines, this was child's play. I nodded. Zeke elbowed his brother out of the way. I started poking through the engine and hooking parts up to the right places. After that it was only a matter of cleaning and adjusting the parts. By the time Tessa called us to dinner, the tractor would almost start.
Lowell was at dinner, walking into the yard with his hands in his pockets just as Tessa sent everyone to wash up. He gave me a raised eyebrow, questioning how things had gone.
"You've got a first rate mechanic here," Zeke said slapping me on the shoulder, but lightly. He grinned at Lowell. "Another day and we'll have that old tractor purring again."
We went into the house. Zeke and his brothers teased each other. Zecharias gave his approval to my repairs. Tessa ruled over the table. They were family. I slipped away to the bathroom halfway through the dinner. My hands were starting to shake.
I locked the door and pulled out the tiny bottle of pink powder. It was getting low. I shook out a pinch, hating the necessity of taking it. I licked it off my palm then put the bottle away. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. The dark hair threw me off but the rest was still me. I didn't like what I saw, I was too tired and too sad.
There was a burst of laughter from the dining room. I closed my eyes, remembering a different table. The laughter and the feelings were the same. My family. I fought a sense of overwhelming loss. I couldn't do this, I couldn't pretend I was someone else, not even for the very good reason that I would be arrested and probably shot if anyone figured out who I really was. I leaned on the sink and concentrated on not breaking down.
Someone tapped at the door. "Lia? Are you all right?" Lowell checking up on me.
"Be out in a moment." I splashed water over my face. I had to do this, just for a while longer, until Lowell finished whatever it was he was doing, until I was better enough I could face my accusers and convince them I was innocent.
We made our excuses and our goodbyes soon after. Zeke gave us a ride back up to our house. He promised to come back in the morning for me. He drove away, waving out the window of the truck.
Lowell paused on the porch. I was still standing out in front of the house, looking up at the stars.
"Dace?" There were a lot of unspoken questions buried in the sound of my name. "You could stay here. You'd be safe."
"For how long, Lowell?" I stared up at the twinkling bits of light scattered across the sky. I shook my head. "I can't pretend to be something I'm not."
"Just keep pretending for a while longer," Lowell said. He sat on the top step of the porch. "How are you really doing?"
"Just peachy. How are you doing?" I sighed and turned away from the stars. "How much more of that drug do you have?"
"Another bottle. I should have a shipment arriving in a few days. If Leon got it through."
"And if he didn't…" I let the comment trail off. I really didn't want to think about it.
"A few more weeks, Dace."
"And I'll be fine again? I'm finding it hard to believe."
"Just go fix the tractor. Take it one day at a time. Leon's working on this for us."
"And it bothers you that you aren't, doesn't it?"
"You needed me more. Leon's more than capable."
"Thank you. For everything."
"You're welcome."
I went inside and slept in my creaky, dusty bed.
I spent the next two days tuning the three tractors Zecharias owned. After that, word got out. Zeke and I spent more than a week driving to various farms and fixing more farm equipment. The farmers were very grateful.
Parts were scarce. Zeke machined new ones and I installed them. We took payment in food or favors in the future. No one asked about me, after Zeke explained I was out on the old Chandler place with my dad. The first time he said that, I bit back tears. My dad, Darus Venn, was dead. That still hurt.
We were working on a tractor one afternoon, an old rusted hulk that should have been junked years earlier. I was on my back under it, trying to work loose a crusted valve nut. The wrench slipped and I bashed my fingers. I swore a blue streak as I checked for blood under the grease.
Zeke stared at me, the fuel injector he was cleaning forgotten in his hand. He blinked and deliberately started cleaning it again. "Mom would wash your mouth out with lye soap for that," he said.
"She isn't my mom." I cranked the wrench back onto the nut.
"What about your dad?"
"He swears worse than I do, sometimes." It was true, Darus knew words I'd never heard before. I'd never hear them again, either.
"Your dad said you were married," Zeke leaned over the engine, looking at me through a tangle of tubing and wiring. "What about your husband?"
"He knows I swear. Knew," I corrected myself.
The nut broke free and came off. I slid out from under the engine and sat up, wiping grease off my hands. What if Tayvis was dead somewhere and Lowell hadn't told me yet? What if even Lowell didn't know? He'd admitted he had no idea where Tayvis was. I should be out there, looking for Tayvis, not sitting here pretending to fix farm equipment. I sniffed and wiped my nose on the back of my hand.
Zeke seated a part, leaning in over the top of the engine. "We could make this a real business. You and me. There's a garage in town that we could buy off Liddy Thompson. Since her husband died, she hasn't had a use for it. There's a full set of tools."
I dumped the rag on top of the open tool chest. I wasn't staying on Nevira that long. I'd had about all the rural farm life I could take. I stood up and started walking out of the farm yard.
"Lia?" Zeke called after me.
I stopped and closed my eyes. It wasn't my name. "What?" I didn't turn to look at him.
"Where are you going?" He asked it carefully, tiptoeing around any possible offense he may have inadvertently given.
"Home."
I felt his eyes on me as I walked out of the farm yard and up the road beyond. It didn't matter that home was almost eight miles away. It wasn't really my home. My home was scrap metal floating in a system light years away.