Chapter 59

 

I thought our troubles would be all over. I was a naive idiot to think that.

It took hours to sort out the mess in the courtroom. Scholar gave his files to everyone. He said it explained everything. The judge left to lie down. Empress Sonja was hauled off to a medunit, but everyone knew that there wasn't anything left in her head. The blast had been directed at her. The other woman, Septimus, had killed herself, draining every bit of energy into that psychic blast.

I sat next to Tayvis, leaning on him, just content to know he was there. He slipped his arm around me.

There were a lot of questions asked and answered. There were a lot more that went unanswered.

Melchak took the chair next to me, settling his weight with a sigh. "What a mess," he said.

"We weren't expecting that reaction," Tayvis said.

"I don't think anyone was expecting that reaction," Melchak said. "Although it will make good footage for a long time, the Empress screeching at her clone like a banshee."

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Your husband contacted me very early this morning. Once I heard what he had to say, I did what I could to stall until he could get here." Melchak sighed again. "You make it fun to be a lawyer, but still a lot of work. Even if I practice law for a thousand years, I'm never going to have a case like this one."

"Does that mean you're waiving your fee completely?" I asked.

He laughed. "I wasn't charging you in the first place, like I told you."

"And if you're anything like Leon, you'll still find a way to make money off me."

He grinned and patted my leg. He got up and walked out, into the waiting mass of cameras.

"Are you ready to go yet, Dace?" Tayvis asked.

"Only if you can smuggle me out the back. I'm tired of being the center of attention."

"You're going to have to face the cameras and today is better than later."

"I know." I leaned against him. "I don't want to leave."

"What if I told you Leon owns a very exclusive home on its very own island?" He grinned down at me. "And what if I told you I have the keys to it and a flitter waiting? Paltronis said she'd keep everyone away for at least a week."

I felt my smile go stiff. I pushed away from him. I was ashamed of my memories, ashamed of a lot of things, like the bottle of pink powder in my pocket. I didn't dare go anywhere without it.

"Dace?" I heard his hurt in the way he said my name.

"Sorry. I have a headache," I lied. I was probably the only one in the courtroom who didn't have one.

"So does everyone." He stood and tugged my hand. I let him pull me to my feet. "Let's face the cameras now, get it over with."

I nodded.

We walked out of the courtroom. The guards in the hallways kept the media outside. Paltronis fell into step beside us. She gave me a grin and a thumbs up sign.

"It's waiting outside," she said to Tayvis. "The autopilot is set. Everything's ready for you." She squeezed my hand then dropped back as we reached the doors.

I didn't stop to think, if I had I would have lost what little nerve I had. I pushed the doors open.

The whole courtyard was full. Newsbots hovered everywhere overhead. I moved out onto the steps. Tayvis was at my shoulder, a black shadow protecting me. The crowd fell silent when they saw it was me.

One reporter, bolder than the rest, stood right in front of me. "What happened?" she asked.

"All charges are dropped. The Empire decided I wasn't worth the trouble." I gave her a plastic smile.

She asked me another question. I ignored it, I walked past her and down the steps. She kept following me, pestering me with questions.

"Word of advice," Tayvis finally told the reporter. "Leave her alone."

She looked up at him and quit following us.

Someone else came out of the courthouse. The reporters eddied away from us, intent on someone who might actually tell them something. Tayvis took my elbow and steered me towards a flitter parked to one side of the plaza. He opened the door. I got in and slid across the plush seat. He got in and shut the door. He flipped on the autopilot. The flitter rose into the air, turning and heading into the sunset.

"Just like in the vids," Tayvis said as the city dropped below us. He sat back into the seat with a sigh. "Sorry, I've been awake for the last two days straight."

I took his hand, threading my fingers through his. "Thank you," I said and left it at that.

He closed his eyes. He was asleep in minutes.

I held his hand and wondered how I was going to tell him anything about what had happened to me. I knew he was going to ask. I knew he was going to be upset. I didn't want him to leave me. I knew in my heart that he would, once he knew what I'd done. I lied when I said I couldn't remember what happened on Luke's ship. I bright clear moments of lucidity when I'd done horrible things under the influence of the drugs. I wanted to crawl into a hole, except I didn't. I was very confused.

I studied Tayvis while we flew. The sunset painted his face gold. He had lines in his face that hadn't been there before. He looked exhausted. I loved him, but I wasn't sure love was strong enough.

I sank back into my seat. I stared at my hand, wrapped in his. He was going to kiss me sometime. I wanted him to, but I couldn't wash out the memory of Luke. I shivered inside and pulled my hand free. I couldn't let him touch me, I couldn't let him know.

I leaned my head against the window. The ocean stirred far below us, sunset streaking across the water in broken scallops of gold. The light faded. The ocean grew silver as the moon rose. Stars shone in the sky above. It would have been beautiful, except I couldn't see anything but my own misery.

The flitter descended, swooping in to land on a pad that lit up as we approached. Soft golden lights began to glow, outlining a path through a tropical jungle. The flitter settled lightly on the pad.

I leaned forward and turned it off. Tayvis stirred and yawned. He smiled sleepily at me.

"I think we're there," I said, turning away from him.

I opened the door and climbed out. The air was soft and warm and full of the smell of the ocean. I stood at the top of the path, unsure what to do.

Tayvis opened the hatch of the flitter and pulled out two bags. I reached for one. He wouldn't let me take it.

"Consider this the honeymoon we never got. I'll carry the bags." His smile faded. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Some," I lied.

He studied my face.

I turned away and hurried down the path before he could ask me anything else.

The path curved over the top of a ridge of stone. There was a mansion just below the crest, a graceful fall of windows and terraces down the other side. Forty feet below the bottom terrace, waves lapped a crescent of perfect sand. The lights in the mansion foyer glowed as I walked down the path. I pushed the door. It opened, releasing a cool breath of air.

I stepped inside. Tayvis followed me and set the bags down. The door swung shut, closing with a soft click.

"This is Leon's?" I asked.

"Think you pay him too much?"

I shook my head. "I just don't think I've been taking advantage of him enough."

I left Tayvis with the bags. I wandered through the mansion.

Every room had huge windows, every view was incredible. There were five different levels. The entry foyer was the only one that didn't open onto a wide patio. The second level down was an entertainment area with a large seating area and a kitchen. The level below that had two bedrooms, spacious and full of moonlight. The level below that had a library and an office. The bottom level was one huge bedroom. I slid open the doors to the patio. A pool set into the stones overflowed. Water spilled over a lip and cascaded down to a larger pool set lower down. Flowers bloomed across the patio, in pots and cascading in from the artificial jungle on either side. I leaned on the rail and stared out over the ocean. Moonlight glittered and sparkled on the waves.

Tayvis walked out on the patio. He stood next to me, watching me uncertainly.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked.

"Maybe tomorrow," I said.

"We missed dinner. The pantry is fully stocked."

"I'm not hungry."

"Are you feeling all right?" he asked, concerned.

"Headache," I said.

"Well, if you change your mind, we're well stocked." He waited.

I stared out at moonlight. I was ashamed of what I had become. He said he would love me, no matter what. He would change his mind if I told him what I'd done, if I admitted to giving in to Luke. I could blame it on the drugs, but in my heart I knew it was me giving up.

He moved away, leaving me alone.

I bit my lip, trying to keep from crying. I hated what I was doing. It was best, wasn't it? I should have refused to marry him in the first place. I should have been stronger. I should have fought Septimus and her drugs more. I should have done a lot of things differently.

I found a chair and watched the moonlight and beat myself up inside. Tayvis came out to sit near me for a while. I fell asleep while he was still watching over me. I was too weak to tell him my shame. I didn't want to see the revulsion in his eyes, the condemnation, when he knew what I'd done, what I'd let Luke and his crew do to me. I didn't want him to know I was addicted to dreamdust and probably always would be.

I woke in the chair the next morning. The sun was up, pouring light down the terraces. Tayvis had tucked a blanket over me sometime during the night. I folded it and left it on the chair.

He wasn't in the bedroom. He'd left a closet open. I went to close it. It was full of my clothes, ones I actually recognized as mine. I fingered a tunic, remembering the day Jasyn had bought it for me. My clothes, the ones I'd left behind. I buried my face in the tunic, breathing in the familiar smell of the cleaner we used on the ship.

The Phoenix was gone. Life was never going to be the same again. I wondered how much else I'd lost. Darus and my ship and who else?

I pulled the tunic out, along with more clean clothes. I used the shower and dressed. I hung the green suit Melchak had bought for me in the closet then went up the stairs.

Tayvis leaned over the counter in the kitchen, sipping a drink and idly scanning the news sheets on a wall screen. He saw me and smiled.

"Want breakfast? I saved you some."

"Thank you," I answered. I sat at the counter.

He slid a plate in front of me. I stared down at it.

"Dace, talk to me. Please."

I picked up my fork and stirred the eggs on the plate. I didn't know what to say, where to even begin.

He sat on the stool next to me. "You made the front page again. You look nice in that uniform."

I ate a bite of eggs.

"You look nice in that outfit, too," he added.

I put down the fork. "I'm sorry," I apologized.

"You've been through a lot. Lowell sent a note last night. Dace, I'm sorry about Darus. And the ship. I wish I hadn't left until I knew they were safe."

"Nobody expected those attacks." I fingered the rim of my glass. "Who else is dead, Tayvis? I don't even know where anyone is."

"You want me to summarize the note or do you want to read it yourself?"

"Just tell me."

"Only if you eat your breakfast."

I picked up the fork again. He waited until I actually ate something.

"Where do you want me to start?" He shifted on the stool, drinking from his glass. He set it back on the counter. "Paltronis was with me," he stopped as if he'd said something more than he meant to.

I ate another bite of fruit.

"You saw her yesterday. She and Everett ran a mercenary company with me. It was a cover, mostly. We were looking for you."

"You just missed me on Linas-Drias." I couldn't help the accusation in my voice. If only he'd been a few minutes earlier, I wouldn't be sitting here hating myself.

"I know. I got there as fast as I could. What happened to you?"

I shrugged. I wrapped my hands around the glass. They were shaking again. I'd forgotten my drugs that morning.

"Dace, tell me what happened to you. Scholar gave me a very garbled account. He doesn't remember much."

"Then he's lucky." I got up and walked out.

Tayvis let me go. I half hoped he'd follow. I didn't know whether to be relieved or upset when he didn't.

I went back to the bedroom and found my bottle of pink powder. Tears stung my eyes as I licked it off my palm. I hated myself for needing it, for not being strong enough not to need it. I put the lid back on and dropped it into my pocket.

I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I walked out onto the patio. There was a path to the beach. I took it. Tayvis stopped on the patio, watching me.

I walked the beach for a while, looking for shells. I found a few tiny white ones. I left them on the sand.

I finally went back inside when I got hungry. Tayvis was in the kitchen again. He didn't say anything as I raided the pantry for lunch. I felt his eyes on me the whole time, watching me, measuring everything I did. I took my lunch and retreated to the patio.

He left me alone for the rest of the afternoon. He came looking for me when the sun started to set.

I was sitting on a patio, staring at the ocean. He sat near me, just waiting. I didn't move. I kept staring at the ocean, fighting with myself.

"There's dinner, when you want it," he said. He got up and left me alone on the patio.

I felt my heart breaking. I didn't want him to leave, but I didn't deserve someone like him. I was worthless, weak. I wiped away more tears, hating myself for crying. I slept in the chair again.

He tried a different tactic the next morning. He smiled cheerfully when I stumbled into the kitchen for breakfast. I grabbed a piece of fruit and fled to the solitude of the beach. I tried not to see the hurt look on his face as I slammed out the door.

He wasn't there when I went to find lunch. I crept in, worried that he would be waiting and upset that he wasn't. I ate by myself. The gourmet food was dust in my mouth. I wandered the patios that afternoon. Tayvis was out on the beach. He glanced up at me then turned back to the water.

He didn't come in until after the sun set. He walked past where I sat on the patio, pausing by the door.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

I didn't turn around or look.

He went inside. The door shut softly behind him.

Another day passed in silence. I hated myself. I hated hurting him, but I didn't know how to stop. I couldn't stand the thought of him touching me, of anyone touching me. Every time I thought about it, I remembered Luke and his crew.

He stopped me the next morning, waiting for me in the kitchen. He planted himself in the doorway.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said. "Talk to me, Dace."

I had to give him something. I pulled out the pink powder and set it on the counter. He walked over to it and picked it up curiously.

"Dreamdust," I said. "It kept me alive. It's the only thing keeping me alive now." I couldn't look at him while I admitted it.

He set it down on the counter. I shoved it back into my pocket and left. I didn't want his pity and his understanding. I wanted him to shout at me, tell me what a weak person I was for needing drugs. I knew he wouldn't. He treated me as if I were made of glass, fragile and easily broken. I couldn't take it.

I walked the beach, but the day was too windy. Clouds massed on the horizon. I pulled out the bottle and held it up. I cocked my arm, ready to throw it into the ocean. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face going through the pain of withdrawal again. I sank down to the sand, holding the bottle and crying.

I lay in the sand and watched the waves, sick inside and ashamed of myself. I heard a flitter overhead. I closed my eyes, knowing in my heart it was Tayvis leaving.

The waves were growing too restless. I finally stirred and got up. I could be alone all I wanted now. I pulled out the bottle again. It was half full. If I stretched it out, I could make it last a week. When the week was over, I was going to walk into the ocean and never come out again. I put the bottle back into my pocket. Maybe I should just walk out now, I thought, watching the waves crash onto the sand.

I couldn't do it. I sighed, ashamed of yet another sign of weakness.

I walked into the house and headed for the kitchen. I expected the house to be empty, completely silent. There were voices coming from the kitchen. I stopped on the stairs and listened.

"Leon shouldn't have given you anything," Tayvis said.

"It's his house," Querran answered.

I stood even more still. What was she doing here? Querran wasn't the person I expected.

"The Governor is getting more than a little nervous, with good reason," Querran said. "Paltronis and Everett both refuse to do anything without your authorization."

"It isn't a problem," Tayvis protested.

"Fifty mercenary ships aren't a problem? How stupid are you?"

Fifty ships? What had Tayvis been doing? Mercenaries? Maybe I should have paid more attention to him and less to my own pain.

"They won't do much, unless someone else shoots first."

"Half of those ships are mine. They told me they weren't coming back to Cygnus until you personally released them."

"What do you want me to do? Dace needs me here."

"If she needs you so badly, where is she?"

There was a strained silence.

"She shut me out," Tayvis admitted. "I don't know what happened to her, she won't talk. I can guess a few things."

I felt new grief at the pain in his voice. I wanted to fix it, but it was broken past mending.

"Let me talk to her," Querran offered. "You have to take care of your fleet before they start another war. Go on, Tayvis. You aren't going to help her by causing more trouble."

I fled down the stairs, out to the bottom patio. I didn't want to talk to Querran. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be left alone with my pain. Except I didn't want to hurt Tayvis. I didn't know what to do.

I heard a flitter lifting off and flying away. Tayvis was leaving.

Querran followed me out onto the patio. She took one look at my face and sighed.

"How much did you hear?" she asked.

"How much was there to hear?"

"Why do you punish yourself like this, Dace?"

I turned away from her. She followed me and grabbed my arm, turning me around to face her. She wasn't going to let me hide.

"Let go of me," I said.

"Or what? You'll murder me in my sleep?"

I jerked as if she'd slapped me.

"I know about Luke and his crew," she said. "Lowell told me. He guessed what happened to you on that ship. Dace, it wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was. I let them do it to me. I didn't fight them."

"You are a victim, Dace, not a participant."

I stopped fighting her. I was too tired. I shook my head, denying her statement.

"Paltronis made sure they analyzed the drugs on that woman. They were some very nasty variations of dreamdust. Dace, you couldn't have stopped it no matter how hard you fought."

She pulled me into a hug. I stiffened, fighting her. She refused to let go. She held me until I quit struggling. I collapsed against her, sobbing. She held me and stroked my hair until I finally stopped.

"Come sit down and tell me why you think Tayvis won't understand."

It was the wrong thing to say. I shoved her away and backed towards the railing.

"He won't love me, not when he knows everything. He can't."

I was going to jump over the rail, I hoped thirty feet would be far enough. Querran caught me, dragging me away from the railing. She slapped me. I stopped fighting her, startled by the sudden pain in my cheek.

"You stupid idiot! He loves you and he won't ever stop."

"But—"

"No buts. Do you think I don't know how you feel? I've been in love. I've seen a lot of pain. I know real love when I see it. Tayvis will never stop loving you. He might leave, though, if you keep pushing him out. Jumping off a cliff is just stupid, Dace. It will hurt him more than anything else you could possibly do."

"More than betraying him with someone else?"

"Didn't you hear anything I said? It wasn't your choice. You fought it as much as you possibly could. He won't blame you for it."

I started to cry again, great racking sobs, folding to my knees on the patio.

Querran knelt beside me and held me against her. "You poor stupid idiot," she said gently.

She rocked me, humming softly. I curled against her, wondering if this was what having a mother would have been like. I could barely remember my own.

She finally moved, letting me go. "My knees are too old for this," she said as she stood. She held her hand down to me. "Come on. Let's find some dinner. We'll both feel better."

I let her pull me to my feet. I followed her up to the kitchen.

I sat woodenly on a stool while she heated up food. She put a plate in front of me.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked.

"Because Jasyn couldn't make it and Paltronis would probably have thrown you off the balcony herself. Not because of what happened, but because of what you're doing to Tayvis. Who else would you want to come?" She watched me poke at my food for a minute. "Lowell asked me to come. He was worried about you. He said I'd probably be the best, because of my age and experience. If he hadn't said it so nicely, I might have slapped him."

I watched her smile.

"Lowell asked you? I thought you hated him."

"I pretended to. It was part of my job at the time."

"And now?"

"I'm officially retired. And we're supposed to be talking about you, not me."

"I'm tired of me. Tell me what everyone else is doing. Tell me what happened with Jasyn and Clark. I haven't seen her in a long time."

"Her son Louie is very cute. He called me grandma the other day." She grinned. "They're both doing fine. They were a little upset over being thrown into jail for several weeks. Last I heard, they were seeing if Leon could file charges of unlawful imprisonment against the Empire for it. Oh, you may find this interesting. With Sonja Medallis obviously unable to rule, they searched for another heir. It turns out that they only came up with two names."

"And?" I asked, curious despite myself.

"One of them no one had ever heard of. Henrius Gavarson. As far as they could tell, his parents immigrated to Ophir twenty years ago. They couldn't find anything beyond that."

"Henrius Gavarson." Scholar wouldn't appreciate me spilling his secret.

"The only other person they could find was Greyson Hovart. They hauled him off to Linas-Drias two days ago. He wasn't quite kicking and screaming but it was close. Once Roland pulled him aside and had a long, private talk, he quit protesting and went quietly. I suspect the Empire doesn't know what it's in for."

"Hovart won't let anyone push him around," I said. "Good for him."

We talked about people I knew while we ate. My pain and guilt slowly faded. Querran was comfortable to be around.

"Well, it's getting late and I'm getting tired," she said finally.

I was startled to see it was full dark outside.

"You'll do fine, Dace," she said. "You've got a lot of people who care about you."

"I still don't understand why they care."

"Go look in the mirror, honestly look, until you do." She set her dishes in the sink. "Good night."

I sat at the counter and tried to understand her advice. I wasn't anything special. Was I?