Chapter Eight

Kayla held out the package of Oreos, offering him another one.

“Thanks.” Tony grabbed two and twisted the top off one of them as the end credits rolled on Trainwreck.

As he licked the filling from the Oreo, Kayla struggled to keep her brain from picturing exactly where his mouth had been just hours ago. God, that felt amazing.

But nothing had changed. Everything was fine.

As she watched the credits roll, she wondered if she should say anything. Holy wow, the man had skills. Tony always had a talent for that, but she hadn’t remembered it being quite that amazing. The talent, the knowledge of female anatomy—those were the things he’d dazzled her with a year ago.

But whatever had happened in this hotel room was something else.

Tony flicked off the remote and turned to smile at her. “I liked it.”

She was still stuck on the oral sex, so it took her a second to get it. “The movie? Yeah, it’s pretty good.”

“Not like Crazy, Stupid, Love, but it was funny. Kinda makes you think.”

She turned her full attention on him now. “About what?”

He shrugged, eyes darting away for a moment before landing back on her face. “I guess it makes sense that anyone who’s not big on committing would have reasons for it.”

Kayla held her breath, waiting for him to elaborate. In the movie, Amy Schumer’s character had grown up with a father insisting monogamy wasn’t possible. What was Tony’s reason?

When he didn’t say anything, she touched the back of his hand. “You don’t talk much about your parents,” she said. “Your father—what was he like?”

“I don’t know.” His voice caught on the last syllable, and he cleared his throat. “I hardly remember him. He left when I was just a kid, and my brother—” Another hitch there. “My brother was a baby.”

“I see.” She searched his eyes, waiting for more. “That must have been really hard.”

“Yeah, it sucked.” He sighed. “My mom was pretty broken up about it.”

“I can imagine.” She hesitated, not sure how much to press. “Did she ever remarry?”

Something flashed in his eyes. A dark, electric fire that made her jerk back. Or maybe it was the edge to his voice. “Yeah,” he growled. “She did.”

Oh. Kayla licked her lips, not sure what to say. Her antennae were tingling, telling her to tread carefully. That she was moving close to territory he’d guard fiercely.

Maybe she should change the subject.

“Still think you’re a bad boyfriend?” she asked slowly. “Or are you coming around to my theory?”

He looked at her with an expression she couldn’t read. “I keep forgetting there’s a bet. I honestly don’t know who’s winning.”

She didn’t, either. Maybe neither of them.

“What if—” She stopped herself, not sure how to phrase this. “What if neither of us is right? What if it’s something else?”

His eyes flashed again. “What do you mean?”

Again, she got the sense she was moving down a dark pathway. Time to redirect. “Just thinking about my own issues,” she said. “Like how I really, really want to get married. Not just married, but to the right guy.”

“Okay,” he said slowly, nodding a little. “Nothing wrong with that. I hope you find that.”

She ignored the tight pinch in her chest and kept going. “I want a husband and kids, and I am insanely, horribly jealous that all three of my sisters already found that,” she said. “Don’t you think that makes me an awful person?”

“What? Jesus, no.” He shook his head. “You’re the best person I know.”

“I’m not, though.” She looked down into her lap, willing him to understand. “I never visit. I let them down all the time because I’m too selfish to put myself through the pain of seeing everyone else have the thing I want. That, and the embarrassment of them lecturing me over everything they think I’m choosing to miss out on, which just makes me want to stay away. You can’t tell me that’s not the mark of a bad person.”

“Kayla, it’s not.” He took her hands and squeezed them both, making her look up at him. “People have all kinds of reasons for needing space from their families. Painful reasons. Things they don’t want to talk about, and you know what? It’s no one else’s business.”

His grip on her fingers tightened, and she looked into his eyes, trying to understand his words. Were they talking about her or him?

“I want to do better,” she murmured. “I want to be a good sister. But more than anything, I want that dream.”

“Family,” he said. “Marriage.”

She nodded, remembering his words in the car that night after the bar. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but he’d sounded so serious. So earnest about wanting those things for himself, even if he’d spent the past decade sabotaging every shot he had at a long-term relationship.

He took a deep breath. “Look, I know I was drunk when I said what I said.” Holy crap, was he reading her mind? “The truth is that I don’t know what I want. How fucked up is that?”

“It’s not fucked up at all.” She reached up and touched the side of his face, smoothing the stubble. “We’re all doing our best to figure things out.”

He shook his head, looking more than a little lost. “Or maybe I’m too chickenshit to admit what I want.”

She stared at him. “Tony, you jump out of airplanes for a living. You’re the least chickenshit person I know.”

The grin that tugged his lips didn’t fully meet his eyes. “Love’s a helluva lot scarier than jumping out of a plane. Even with flames around, at least I’ve got a chute.”

“There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.”

He laughed and eased off the bed. “I’d better get to my own room.”

She watched him gather up sandwich wrappers and chip bags, tidying the nightstand as he went. Nibbling the corner of her lip, she waited until he finished piling wrappers in the trash.

“Would it be weird if we shared a room from now on?” she asked. “I know we said it might be awkward, but under the circumstances—”

“Yes.” He walked back to the bed and sat on the edge of it. “I mean, no, it’s not weird. It makes total sense to share a room. Want me to cancel the rest of the reservations?”

“Oh. Sure, that’d be great.” Wow, that was easy. “We can get two beds, obviously. But this way we’ll save some money.”

“Sure, that’s good.” He smiled and stood up again, hesitating at the edge of the bed. “Good night, Kayla. Fireball, you take care of her.”

The little dog wagged his tail as Kayla waited for Tony to kiss her. To lean down and brush his lips over her cheek or temple in a friendly way. Or something less friendly—a slide of tongues against each other; the sort of embrace she could pull him into and convince him to stay and take his fair share.

But Tony just smiled and stepped back. “I’ll see you at six, right? You wanted to get out to the forest before sunrise?”

“Oh. Right, yeah. You know where the burn site is?”

“Yep.” He caught the doorknob in one hand, turning back to smile at her. “Sweet dreams, Kay.”

“You, too.”

She watched as he slipped through the door, closing it behind him with a click. She gave it a second, waiting to see if he’d come back. Knock on the door and tell her he wanted to spend the night cuddling.

But no, that was nuts. She got up and flipped the latch on the door. Fireball stood up and stretched, yawning as he arched into a yoga master’s perfect downward dog. Kayla crawled back into bed, cuddling the little dog close. “You can sleep with me tonight, okay?”

Fireball wagged his tail and cast a look at his crate, clearly unsure.

“It’ll be okay,” she said. “Tonight, I’d love the company.”

The assurance seemed to work, and the little dog curled up in the hollowed-out space against her abdomen, sighing with pleasure. Doing her best not to disturb him, Kayla reached for her book and flipped to the spot she’d stopped reading.

Treat yourself to the date you deserve.

Well, wasn’t that timely?

She kept reading, absorbing Dr. O’Toole’s words about self-acceptance and the importance of developing an appreciation for your own company. According to Patience O’Toole, women—and men, too, but women seemed to struggle more with this, in the doctor’s experience—should learn to be okay with the idea of taking themselves out on dates.

And the good doc wasn’t talking about ducking into Panera for a sandwich on the way home from the gym, or even catching a movie solo when none of your friends wanted to go. She meant a real, honest-to-goodness dinner date with delicious food and wine and maybe candles.

Kayla closed the book and put it back on the nightstand. Then she switched off the light and lay back on the bed to think about that.

Had she ever done that? Taken herself on a date without worrying what someone would think or if she’d get bored without someone to talk to?

It was worth considering—maybe in a few days, when they hit Missoula, Montana. A college town, so they must have lots of restaurants. The next couple nights, Tony planned to meet up with friends from local fire crews, so she had some evenings to herself. He’d invited her to join them, but she’d declined, pretty sure he could use the guy time.

And maybe she could use the me time. A date just for her—something swanky and special and amazing.

Rolling over again, she grabbed her phone off the nightstand and flipped to the Yelp app. With hope rising in her chest, she started to scroll for restaurants.

…

Tony surveyed the bar, both hands wrapped around the pint glass of beer he’d barely touched. His brother was ten minutes late.

Yeah, he’d told Kayla he was meeting up with firefighting pals at the next couple stops, which was technically true. He and Joel had worked together as wildland firefighters, then joined the Hotshots. Joel had remained on the ground crew even after Tony took to the sky as a jumper.

He’d invited Kayla to join them tonight, crossing his fingers she wouldn’t say yes. Deep down, he’d known she’d decline. They’d agreed to spend a few evenings flying solo, and part of him felt relieved.

She needed to take photos, and Tony…well, he needed to get his head screwed on straight. What the hell had he been thinking, crossing the line like that? Going down on her had been amazing. Outstanding. Otherworldly.

But it couldn’t happen again. He needed to remember that.

He needed to remember the words Courtney had said to him back in Jackson Hole.

I guess it just seemed more like you were a guy playing the role of someone who has a girlfriend, without actually being a boyfriend.

The last thing he wanted was to leave Kayla feeling that way.

“Yo, dickbrain.” Joel eased onto the barstool beside him, pulling Tony back to the moment.

He stood up and grabbed his brother in a great big bear-hug, squeezing him hard enough to make Joel grunt. He was a big guy—nearly as big as Tony, despite being three years younger.

“You’re late, motherfucker.” Yeah, they definitely weren’t a family of I-love-yous.

But Joel just grinned as he pulled back from the embrace and picked up the beer list. “Had to finish some paperwork back at base. You know how it is.”

“I hear ya.” Tony sipped his beer, still barely touching it. He didn’t want to be fuzzy-headed for this conversation. “How long are you here?”

Joel didn’t have to ask what he meant. They’d both worked firefighters’ schedules long enough to grasp the transient nature of the job. “One more week,” Joel said, nodding to the waitress ambling their way. “Then to Australia. You working over there this time around?”

“I’m sitting out their season this year,” he said. “Taking some time off.”

“That sounds fucking amazing.”

They paused the conversation while Joel ordered a beer and Tony put in an order for Cajun tater tots. He watched the waitress walk away, braced for the question he knew would come next.

“Heard from Leo lately?”

Tony took a steadying breath. Looked down to see his fingers had curled into fists. He ordered himself to uncurl them before answering. “No.”

“When’s the last time he saw Mom?”

What kind of asshole was Tony that his best pal from high school was the only one looking after their mother? The mother who’d raised him, fed him, given birth to him, for Christ’s sake.

But he had his reasons for staying away. So did Joel.

Tony shrugged. “He texted last week after he stopped by to fix some busted boards on her porch.”

Joel’s forehead furrowed. “And she let him?”

“No.” Tony took a sip of beer. “He did it when she wasn’t home.”

“I take it Bud wasn’t there?”

The name of their mother’s second husband hit Tony like a punch to the gut. He took his time answering. “Leo’s only keeping tabs on Mom. He stays the hell out of Bud’s way.”

“Smart man.”

Joel didn’t say anything else, and Tony didn’t, either. Didn’t ask if his brother had had any contact. He knew the answer to that question.

The waitress brought the beer and assured them the tots would be up quickly, and Tony hoped the thread of conversation might just drop.

No such luck. “You ever think about calling her?”

“No.”

He held his breath, hoping Joel wouldn’t ask. Wouldn’t want to know about the last time he’d made contact with their mother.

It had happened on Joel’s birthday more than eight years ago. He’d dialed the phone with shaking hands. She’d surprised him by answering. Surprised him even more by remembering her youngest’s date of birth.

“I was going to send a card,” she’d said, her voice timid and almost unrecognizable. “But Bud didn’t think that was a good idea.”

“Joel’s your son,” Tony had argued. “You have a right to wish him a goddamn happy birthday if you want.”

“Please don’t swear.” She’d practically whispered the words, a quiet plea. “It’s just not a good idea. Bud’s my husband. I have to respect his wishes.”

He’d wanted to scream at her. To shout until his lungs hurt.

He’d wanted to save her, too. From Bud, from herself… Hell, he didn’t even know who the enemy was.

Some fucking hero he was.

In the end, he’d told her he was done reaching out. He asked her not to call him. Not until she apologized to Joel and told Bud to go fuck himself.

Then he’d hung up the phone.

She hadn’t reached out, and he hadn’t called her. His only news came through Leo, his best buddy from home. The home he’d known a lifetime ago and couldn’t bring himself to visit. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Thank God for Leo, who timed out his grocery runs to see her every week and promised to let Tony know if things got worse.

Tony spun his beer on the bar and fumbled for a subject change. “How’s married life treating you?”

His brother broke into a grin. “Awesome. Marc says hi, by the way.”

“Tell him hey. And I’m gonna kick his ass at pool the next time I see him.”

“Ha! The upside of marrying a pool shark—he can whoop you with his pool cue tied behind his back.”

Tony studied his brother’s face, relieved to see the happiness looked genuine. “I’m happy for you. Marc’s a great guy.”

“Being married’s kinda awesome. You should try it sometime.”

“Mmmph.” He hadn’t told Joel about all these visits with exes. About the shit he’d been talking about with Kayla. Mostly, he didn’t want to get his baby brother’s hopes up that there was any chance he’d be settling down soon.

Picking up his beer, Tony took a healthy slug. Then he set the glass down fast, because what the fuck was he doing? The last time he drank too much, he confessed his stupidest desires to Kayla. What would he end up blurting out next time?

“That still your first?” Joel asked.

“Yeah.” Tony spun the half-full glass on the counter. “Got an early morning.”

Joel grinned. “Road-tripping with your ex. How’s that going? You guys bangin’ it out yet?”

“Fuck off.”

His brother just laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes. Tell me again why you’re doing this?”

“She’s taking pictures of old burn scars,” he said slowly. “We saw the Crater Creek Complex site a few days ago. Heading to the J & J Complex next.”

“That was a bad one.”

“Yeah.” Tony sipped his beer. “I’m enjoying the road trip and my time off.”

He could feel Joel eyeing him, questioning whether there was more to the story. Tony kept his expression flat, determined to guard his secrets. His stupid, battered heart.

Thankfully, the waitress showed up with their tater tots. As she set out ketchup and napkins and snack plates, Tony tried to think of something to talk about. Something besides their mom or Kayla or why Tony couldn’t seem to move forward. Couldn’t come to terms with what had happened all those years ago.

“So.” He cleared his throat. “How do you think the Seahawks are looking this season?”