Whenever the Olympics come around, one Internet community or another will organize a related craft game where each participant starts a project when the Olympic flame is lit and finishes it by the end of the closing ceremonies. It all works on the honor system—crocheters can choose the project they want to do and award themselves a gold, silver, or bronze medal depending on how close they get to their goal. It’s a lot of fun. But it isn’t what I want to see.
I want to see a real Crochet Olympics in which crocheters from all around the world descend on some location or another and compete in a variety of tasks. In real time and in real life with cool opening and closing parties and endorsement opportunities—the whole deal.
The uniforms would have to be crocheted, of course. In fact, the uniform design could be part of the competition with points given for style, fit, and durability. There couldn’t be any swimming events, though—I know crocheted swimwear is cute and all (on some people, not on me!) but when it hits the water … ewwwww.
Anyway, we could have a fiber identification round in which blindfolded crocheters have to guess the fiber content of a given yarn by feel or smell. Bonus points if they can tell one type of acrylic from another. This would be followed by a speed round to see who can crochet fastest, a technical round in which we could see who has the least fudge factor in their patterns (come on, you know we all cheat on occasion), and maybe a round in which crocheters compete to see who can wield the smallest hook with the smallest thread.
There could be a multiday event much like the Internet version in which crocheters from around the world start a project at the beginning of the Games and finish near the end. That could be something large, for instance, an afghan, or complicated such as a lacy fitted garment.
There would have to be a team competition. Teams could be made up of a specialist in each of six subgenres of crochet—thread, filet, Irish crochet, Tunisian, tapestry, and yarn. Plus, of course, a substitute or two in case the worst happened and someone got a hand cramp. The all-around winner would be the crocheter who could successfully complete the prettiest swatch in all six categories, but medals would be given to the highest-scoring individual in each event.
There could also be related events in shearing and spinning. Maybe a sheep to shawl competition in which teams are made up of spinners and crocheters who have to turn a fleece into a wearable shawl in a matter of hours. There could also be competitions in stuffing a stuffed animal, blocking, and felting. Oh, and a contest for designers in which they have to write out readable pattern instructions in a short period of time … the possibilities are endless.
Imagine the Olympic village if it were inhabited by crocheters! There would be no infighting—everyone would happily be working on her free-time projects between events. There would have to be yarn stores everywhere, with yarn and needles and books available from all of the participating countries. The village could even have its own currency—the merino instead of the euro.
I would totally watch this on TV, wouldn’t you? Who do we talk to about this?