four

I know a lot of things

I know that

Because I can look at my notebook

And see pages and pages of things I know

And because people say it

A lot

Sometimes in a good way

Sometimes not

But there are so many things

That I don’t know

There are so many things to know

And the list gets bigger every single day

New plants are found

New animals are discovered

Inventions invented

Diseases diagnosed

Places charted

Words spoken

Decisions made

And sometimes

It all feels

Too much

Too big

Like I’m running behind a train

And it’s chugging along

Fast fast faster

And I’ll never catch up

I don’t even know everything

There is to know

About trains

 

It makes my stomach ache

Thinking about it

It makes my stomach ache

And my head feel

Noisy

 

I tell my mum at dinner

When she’s putting too much cheese on her spaghetti

Mountains of cheese

I tell her

I feel like everything moves too much

And I feel

Like everything is too much

And I’ll never understand it all

Or know it all

Or see it all

And it makes me

Sad

And angry

And tired

And over-over-overwhelmed

 

Mum stops piling grated cheese on her food

And looks at me

Like she isn’t sure what to say

This happens sometimes

And I always

Always feel bad

Because she worries

I can see the worry

Slip into her head

And pour down her face

Her eyes get darker

And her smile changes

I don’t want her to worry

I don’t

 

“Why do you think you feel that way?

Like you need to know

Everything?”

Mum asks

Like she really wants to know

Like she really wants to

Understand

So I tell her

I tell her how I feel like

Knowing things

Makes me safe

Makes me powerful

Makes me

In control

How I think of bad things

Sometimes

Things that might happen

Things that could happen

They pop into my head

With no warning

With no

Permission

And they play like movies

Like horrible movies

Horror movies

Movies she would never let me see

If she could stop it

But she can’t

And I can’t

 

I tell her

How I need to know

Just in case

Bad things happen

Small bad things

Or big bad things

Or in-between bad things

Because what if a Bad Thing happens

And I don’t know the thing

The One Thing

That could stop it

And I don’t know that thing

What then

 

Mum takes a bite of pasta

And makes a “Hmm” sound

And she looks

Thoughtful

This is one of the things

I love love love about my mum

She thinks about every answer

She thinks hard

And when she gives me answers

I always know

They’re real and true answers

So I eat my dinner

And I wait

 

“OK”

Mum says

And she tells me

That no one knows everything

And that that’s OK

And I nod along

She tells me

That bad things might happen

But that bad things

Might not happen

Too

She tells me that when a Bad Thing

Pops into my head

I should tell her

So she can help me figure it out

And that if I can’t tell her right away

That I should

Write it down

On a piece of paper

And I should fold the paper up

And leave the Bad Thing there

In the ink

On the paper

Until we can deal with it

Together

 

Then

She says

“Why not make a list

A list of the things

You most want to know

And start with those”

And

I say

“That’s a great idea”

So we do it

We eat spaghetti then we bundle ourselves up

And we go for a walk

And we puff out our breath like dragons

And we look for constellations

And we make a list

 

The Things I Want to Know About the Most:

 
 
 

When we’ve come home from our walk

And Mum’s washed the dishes

And I’ve finished my homework

Mum tucks me in

And kisses me on the head

And turns on my reading light

And goes

But instead of reading

I get my list

My Things I Want to Know About list

And add

One more thing

One extra-important thing

The thing I most need to know

6. What is the fizzy feeling in my chest