eight

On Sunday morning

I use the computer

It lives in the kitchen

And I can use it for homework

And looking up things

That Mum doesn’t know

The answers to

If I ask first

So I ask

Can I please

And Mum says

Yes

And asks me

What I’m looking up today

And I say

Fish

Because it isn’t a lie

Just only

Half the truth

Which doesn’t

Really

Make it feel any better

So

I look up fish

First

Just to keep it

As true

As I can

I look up the

Odontodactylus scyllarus

Which is also called

The peacock mantis shrimp

(Thank goodness)

 

Peacock mantis shrimp

Are shrimp

That look

Like they’ve eaten

Rainbows

They’re red and blue and green and yellow and they can punch

With the speed

Of a

Bullet

 

Mum plonks a mug of hot chocolate down beside me

Which makes me feel

Grateful and guilty

At the same time

And I think I might be

Allergic to secrets

 

What do crushes feel like?

I type it into the search bar

The squiggle in my chest getting

More wiggly and uncomfortable

With every word

A million results appear

Full of words like

“I just knew”

And pictures of boys and girls holding hands

Of Mickey and Minnie

And princes and princesses

Of cartoon girls with pink bows and long eyelashes

Blushing beside cartoon boys

With blue T-shirts

I sigh

None of this helps

So I start over

And with my shaky hands

I start to type

Can a girl

Have a crush on another—

“Stevie, can you—”

 

I jump

And smash my hands on the keyboard

Filling the search bar with

A mess of letters and numbers and symbols

And Mum appears behind me

I close the window

And stare at the fish on the screen

And Mum is still talking

But all my ears can hear

Is my blood

Pounding in my head

I’m going to have to try

Something else

 

I lie on the floor of my bedroom

All afternoon

With a notebook and my favorite pen

And I write

Everything

All of the feelings

All of the thoughts

All of the pictures that flood my head

When I see her

When I talk to her

When she smiles at me

I write it out

Then in a second of hot humiliation

I scratch it all out

And start over

And over and over

Until the words don’t look so weird anymore

Until the words don’t feel so strange

I feel warm

I feel like smiling

I feel

Aware of myself

Of all the good parts of me

Of how I’m smart and interesting and sometimes I’m funny

Because I think she sees those things

And if she sees those things then they must be true

I write it all

Again and again

Until I think

Maybe

I could say them out loud

Maybe

I could ask the question

What does it mean

Does it mean

What I think it does

 

By the time it’s dark out

I’ve decided to ask my mum

Because mums know things

And I have a hole in my knowing

A big gap

Where there should be something

But there isn’t

And I think it’s a thing that matters

Because the gap feels

A little bit cold

And my heart feels confused and a little

Dizzy and fizzy and

Weird

 

“Mum”

I say

And she says

“Yes, Stevie?”

And I say

“You know Chloe

Who sits beside me

At school?”

And Mum nods

“Well”

I say

And I wish I’d planned better

Because words

Just come spilling from my mouth

And I have zero control

Over any of them

“She paints her nails”

I tell Mum

“Every week they’re a new color

And by Friday

They’re a mess

They’re bitten and chipped

And I want to fix them

I want to paint her nails”

Mum looks confused

I’m not making any sense

None of my words are doing what I need them to do

 

“I want to touch her hair”

I blurt out

And Mum’s eyebrows fly up

But I don’t know what that means

And the not knowing

Makes it all worse

Way worse

Words are coming out fast

And I can’t stop them

“I want to brush her hair

Because it looks soft

And I want to braid it

I think”

What am I saying

Why am I saying any of this

It makes no sense

It’s all true

But it still makes no sense

“I like her more than anyone else”

I say

And the words stop

For a second

So I can take a breath

And wish wish wish for Mum to say something

But she doesn’t

So I try

“It’s like

How I always wanted that

Doll

The Barbie

Scientist Barbie

Because she was so pretty

And cool

And I—”

 

“Girls aren’t dolls”

She says

And I know that

“Dolls aren’t girls”

She says

And I know that too

And it seems that all she knows

Is stuff that I already know

So I zip my lips

And we watch TV

 

Usually when I ask my mum

Questions

Big or small or silly or smart

She gives me

Answers

Big or small or silly or smart

She wraps them up and hands them over

Like little presents

New things to know

And I unwrap them

And add them to my collection

And I feel

Better

But this time

I think she forgot

To put the words in

I think

She just gave me

Wrapping paper

With tape and ribbon and a bow

But nothing

Inside

And this time

I don’t feel

Better

At all

 

I have a nightmare

That water is coming

And I’m standing

All alone

In the middle of a road

And I yell

But no one comes

They’re all gone

And I think they must have known

So they ran

And they forgot me

Or they left

So I stand

Small and alone and me

And there it is

A wave

Stretching up up up

Scooping the clouds and pulling them

Down down down and

Crash

The wave hits

And water bursts over the whole of the world

And I hold my breath as I’m

Pushed and pulled and turned and twirled and I want to scream

But I know

If I do

The water will pour in

So I have no choice

I can be full of screams

Or full of water

So I swim

I swim swim swim

Up up up

Don’t look around

Just swim up

And beg my breath to last

Until I reach the top

Until I reach

The surface

But I’m swimming

And I’m swimming

And I’m swimming

And there is no top

And there is no surface

Everything

Is water

And

I wake up

And I slap my hands to my mouth

And I cram my screams back into my mouth

And I swallow them

Down down

Down