It snows all night
And when I wake up
The house is freezing
And Mum is on the phone
But she’s put
Extra marshmallows
In my hot chocolate
I count them
Five extra mini marshmallows
And I wonder
If they’re to make up for
The words she didn’t give me
Yesterday
Five marshmallows
Five words
I suppose
I poke a half-melted pink one
With my spoon
What could it mean
Good or OK or fine or
Bad or weird or wrong
I don’t know
Mum hangs up and sighs
And worry gurgles in my tummy
But she comes into the kitchen
Smiling
So I smile too
“Good news”
She says
And I look up at her
My brain already racing through ideas
Too fast to really see any
“You get a snow day!”
She says
And I can tell I’m supposed to be excited
So I smile big big big
And say
“No way!!!”
With extra exclamation marks
And she gives me a look
That can only mean
Love
So I really really look at her
And I blink extra hard
So my brain knows to please
Remember
Mum still has to go to work
Because
She says
Adults don’t get snow days
Which seems very unfair
She calls my auntie Judith
Even though I insist I’ll be fine on my own
And Judith says she’ll come over at lunchtime
Which sounds fine to me
And terrible to my mum
Mum has me lock and unlock the door
Five times in a row
Just so she knows I know how
She teaches me how to use the microwave
Even though I’ve used it
A billion times
She shows me where the fire extinguisher is
Which is a little scary to think about
But I can see she’s more scared than I am
So I roll my eyes
Like she’s being silly
And pass her her gloves
And tell her to be careful in the snow
And tell her that I love her
And that Auntie Judith will be here soon
And that I’ll be totally completely
One hundred percent fine and good and OK
And then she leaves
I watch Mum waddle to the car
A penguin on ice
And drive away
And I wave and wave and wave
Until she’s gone
And then I find my schoolbag
And tip everything out onto my bed
And start looking for everything I need
For my expedition
Things I Might Need:
My notebook
Pens (blue and red and green and purple)
My water bottle
My mittens
My library books (all finished)
A flashlight (just in case)
The emergency cellphone Mum gives me for school trips and sleepovers
The bus timetable
My library card
My coin purse
Emergency ten-euro note from the bill jar
I need to know
What this feeling in my chest is
What it’s called and
What it means and
Why it’s there
I need to know
And when there’s something
I need to know
I go to the
Library
So
I wrap up
Keeping to as many of Mum’s rules as I can
Sweater
Coat
Scarf
Hat
Mittens
Chunky socks
And big boots
I check every power switch twice
And check the oven three times
Even though I don’t think it’s been turned on today at all
I lock
Unlock
And lock
Every door and window
Just to be sure
I don’t like feeling
Anything but
Love
About my mum
It doesn’t feel right
But right now
I feel
So many
Things
About my
Mum
I feel love
Always love
But underneath
I feel sad
And a little
Disappointed
I feel worried
And anxious
And mostly
I feel
Distant
Like someone grabbed us
Each of us
And pulled and pulled
Until there was a gap
Where there’s never been a gap
Until there was
Distance
Where usually
We were
Together
Side by side
Like someone
Pulled us apart
And I’m afraid
I’m afraid
That that person
Was me
“OK”
I say
Sadly
To no one
In particular
To the walls
And the couch
And the TV
And the cactus on the coffee table
“OK”
And I open the front door
As I walk out the door
I grip the key
With its big fuzzy key ring
In a mittened hand
Right in front of my face
So it doesn’t have any chance
To disappear
I walk carefully
I don’t make eye contact with strangers
I look both ways before I cross the road
And go only when the little glowing person is green
I stick to as many rules
As I possibly can
So maybe
If Mum finds out about my
Fact-finding mission
She’ll know
I never wanted to hurt her
Never ever never