Susan helps us drag two big beanbags
All the way into the art section
I picked here
Because I don’t think either of us
Have ever been here before
And it feels right
To go somewhere
New
Mum drops herself into her beanbag
And it makes a whoosh sound around her
She looks
Tired
Not sleepy
But tired
Like she’s used up all of the energy
She had for the day
And now she’s run out
I flop into my beanbag
Right beside her
And we look at each other
And I think
We both know
Just know
That something is about to change
The air feels different
Full of crackles
And my stomach feels different
Full of butterflies
Everything feels too sharp
I feel like I’m in a movie
Like aliens could walk in
Like I could sprout wings
Like the whole world might just stop
And I wouldn’t be surprised
I feel like there’s electricity in my bones
And no part of me
Wants to stay still
I feel
Scared
Mum takes my hand
“Is this—”
She’s looking at me
Really looking at me
And she looks
So like my mum
So like herself
Like I haven’t really
Seen her
In weeks
Her face is so real and so clear and so hers
Her big green eyes
Just like mine
Her freckled nose
Her one dimple
She squeezes my hand
And the distance between us
The distance I was sure I felt
Evaporates
It’s gone
So quickly
I’m not sure if it was ever actually there
Or if it was just me
Being
Afraid
So I look at her face
And it’s the face that’s there
When I wake up from my nightmares
That nods and smiles when I tell her what I learned at school
That laughs when I tell her jokes I make up
It’s the face that I know best
So I look right at her
And I nod to say
It’s OK
You can ask
And she nods back
“Is this about Chloe?”
And I think
She knows
She already knows
But I take a breath
Shaky but deep
And I tell her anyway
For me
And for her
I tell her
“Chloe has really nice eyes”
I say
Because in that minute it’s all my brain offers up
“She has really
Really nice eyes
“And I’d never noticed
Anyone’s eyes
Before
“I don’t care
Really
If they’re blue
Or green or
Brown or
“I don’t care
I don’t
Notice
“But I noticed
Chloe’s eyes
“They’re
Brown
“And they’re really
Nice”
And I cross my fingers
In my pocket
And I beg the world
The whole entire world
Please
Let that be enough
Please
Let her understand
Let me be
Understood
And I open my eyes
And my mum is smiling a strange smile
And her eyes are wet
And she looks happy and sad and everything in between
And I didn’t know a person could be
So many things at once
But here she is
A little shaky
A little worried
But still smiling
“I get it”
She says
“I get it”
And I cry again
And I’ve cried a lot today
But it’s different
This time