We’re putting on our mittens
When the librarian’s face
Lights up
And a little
“Oh!”
Pops out of her mouth and
She scurries off
Toward the history section
With a whisper-shout of
“Just a sec!”
She comes back a minute later
Red in the face
Carrying a book
It must have a million pages
And on the front
Are people
Hundreds of people
Cheering and chanting
As someone at the very front
Waves a rainbow flag
She hands it to my mum
And my mum’s face does something funny
Like all her feelings want to be known
All at once
But then it smoothes out
And she just smiles
And says
“Perfect”
Really quiet
But she isn’t looking at the book
She’s looking right at me
So I smile too
Then we both hug Susan
And say we’ll see her next Thursday
And she hugs back
And we go
Back out
Into the snow
Together this time
“So”
I say
And take a deep breath down to my toes
“I have a crush”
I swoosh the words out like a gust of wind
Fast fast fast
Full of all my breath and all my stress so now I’m empty
And my chest feels a little less tight
And my shoulders drop a little
And my body feels like my very own body again
“Yep”
Mum says
And she takes a breath too
Deep and wobbly
“You have a crush”
And we look at each other
And there’s something in her eyes and I
Think I know
What it is and
Oh no
She explodes
In the loudest
“STEVIE AND CHLOE SITTING IN A TREE!”
“Mum, no!”
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G”
“Mum! No one even says that anymore!”
I blush so hard
The warmth melts me
Melts all of the bad feelings
All the fears and all the confusion
And the blush
And the warmth
Settle in my chest
So lovely and so sweet
A warmth so strong the ice around my feet might melt too
This feels
Like the very beginning
Like there’s more to figure out
To talk about
To learn
But it doesn’t feel so scary
Now
Because standing right beside me
Mum is giggling
Like I’ve never heard her giggle before
High and light and ringing
She’s gripping her tummy
And laughing laughing laughing
And she looks
Happy
And she looks at me
Like I’m the very best
And I feel
The very best
So I laugh too
And we grip our sides
And we laugh
And laugh
And laugh
Until we can barely catch our breath anymore
And then
I scoop snow into my palm
And smush it between my mittens
And I chuck it
Right at Mum’s head
And it hits with a splat
And she looks at me
Her eyes
Glowing
And we’re still for a minute
Staring at each other
Red cheeks and teary eyes from giggling
And smiles as big as smiles can be
And then
Fast as lightning
She ducks
And then snow is coming right for me
And boom
It hits my chest and I fall
Flat on my back
And I snort
Because with my big puffy coat
And my mile-long scarf
I can’t really get up
So Mum lies beside me
In the snow
Outside the library
And we make snow angels
And we look at the sky
The bluest blue I think I’ve ever seen
And everything
Everything
Everything
Everything
Feels
Just right