In school the next day
When we’re taking off our coats and scarves and gloves and hats
All of our armor against the snow
Chloe bounces up to me
With her hands behind her back
And pink on her cheeks
Maybe from the cold
But maybe not
I smile at her
Because now that I know
That what I feel is nice and good and
Normal
All I want to do
Is smile at Chloe
She smiles back
Bigger than usual
Like she has a secret
And no plans to keep it to herself
“Close your eyes and open your hands!”
“What?”
“Open your hands and close your eyes!”
I do as she says
And something soft touches my palms
“Open your eyes”
It’s an octopus
A purple stuffed octopus
Eight tentacles tickling my palms
Big glassy eyes
Staring up at me
“I know you’re kind of afraid
Of the sea
And all the weird fish and stuff”
For a second
I’m embarrassed
But only
For a second
“And I thought that this
Might help
His name is Sydney
And I’m almost sure
It’s impossible
To be scared of him”
I haven’t looked up at her yet
I’m just staring at the octopus in my hands
And trying to calm my heartbeat
Which is thumping along
So hard
I think it must be trying to tell me something
Heartbeat Morse code
I think
Probably
It’s telling me to look up
So I do
And Chloe
Looks nervous
And proud
And happy
And something else too
Something
I think
I recognize
Something
I think
That I’ve been feeling too
So I smile
And I tell her
I love it
So, so much
I tell her it’s my very favorite octopus
That I’ve ever
Ever seen
And I take
The deepest breath I’ve ever taken
And I think of Susan and the book she gave me
And my mum and all the teasing and chanting
And how it made me blush in the best
Warmest, most special way
And I let it fill me up with bravery
And I say
“Maybe, if it’s OK with my mum
And yours
We could
Maybe
Go to the aquarium some time
And see them
For real?”
And the idea terrifies me
And lots of things terrify me
But today
Right now
In this moment
I feel so brave
I feel
So
Brave