Izzy’s father was an estate agent. At the age of seven, the sum total of her knowledge about his profession was that he helped people buy and sell houses. He co-owned the agency with Lance, and often Lance and his wife would come round for a meal. Occasionally, Izzy would be allowed to eat with them, even though most of the conversation went way over her head.
But to Izzy, there was a lot more to communication than mere words.
One Sunday, following a meal the previous night that had slid into a drinking session continuing long after Izzy had been sent to bed, she attempted to demystify some of the non-verbal messages she had intercepted.
‘Mummy,’ she said, ‘why does Daddy like Caroline so much?’
It seemed such a simple question, and yet the storm of emotion it stirred in her bleary-eyed mother was intense.
‘What? What do you mean?’
‘I just want to know why he likes her so much.’
Her mother forced a smile onto her pale lips. ‘Well, she’s nice, isn’t she? Don’t you think so? I like her too.’
‘Yes, but not in the same way.’
The smile collapsed. ‘I’m not sure what you mean, Izzy.’
But she did know. Izzy could tell that she knew exactly what was meant, and that confused things even more.
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘He likes her. A lot. And she likes him.’86
The fake smile again, followed by an even more hollow laugh. ‘Everyone likes Daddy.’
‘Yes, but … it’s different. It’s like …’
‘Like what, darling?’
‘Like they don’t want other people to know about it.’
Her mother opened her mouth and then closed it again, but although words were failing her, she emitted a wave of uncertainty and fear that made Izzy relive the time she lost sight of her parents on a beach holiday.
‘I … I’m sure that’s not true. Lance and Caroline are good friends of ours. There’s nothing secret about it.’
‘But there is. Daddy has a secret and Caroline has a secret, but you and Lance don’t know the secret.’
‘Daddy and I don’t keep things secret from each other.’
‘You do. You both do. You told Daddy that the cat knocked his watch onto the floor and broke it, but that wasn’t true.’
She saw and felt the surprise. Izzy hadn’t witnessed the watch incident, but she’d known that her mother’s explanation had been false.
‘Okay, yes. Sometimes we don’t tell each other everything. But I don’t think that Daddy and Caroline …’
She didn’t finish the sentence, but instead became suddenly filled with glaring doubt.
‘I’m sure it’s nothing,’ she said finally, and then disappeared up the stairs.
Izzy thought no more about it until a month later. Another meal, but just the three of them this time.
‘Daddy,’ she asked, ‘can we go to the cinema on Saturday? We haven’t been for ages.’
The instant negativity was deadening.
‘I can’t, darling. Maybe next weekend instead.’
Her mother chipped in. ‘Daddy’s got to work all day Saturday.’87
It should have been left at that. If no more had been said, it would have ended there. Everyone had said what they believed to be the truth. But then Izzy’s father had to go and spoil things.
‘I’m going to a conference in Birmingham,’ he said. ‘I’d much rather stay here with you, but I have to go to this.’
Izzy stared at him. ‘No you don’t.’
Raised eyebrows. ‘Izzy, don’t be like that. I’ve told you I’ll take you to—’
‘You don’t have to go anywhere. And you’re not going to Birmingham.’
She saw how her father glanced at her mother before continuing. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now eat your meal.’
Izzy put her cutlery down, then sat back and folded her arms.
‘You’re a liar,’ she said.
Anger now. But also a tinge of fear. ‘Izzy, you’re being rude. If you don’t eat, you’ll have to go to your room.’
‘I don’t care. You shouldn’t tell lies.’
‘I’m not telling lies. Why would I tell lies about going to Birmingham?’
‘Because you always tell lies. You lie to me and you lie to Mummy.’
‘That’s not true. You’re being silly now.’
‘No, I’m not. You lied yesterday when you said it was Lance on the phone and it wasn’t.’
Her father simply stared, and she could feel his fear mounting, but also a need to drown it in a fit of fury.
‘Richard,’ her mother said, ‘what’s she talking about?’
‘Nothing. She’s talking nonsense, and all because I can’t take her to the cinema this week.’
‘It’s not nonsense,’ Izzy insisted.
‘Who was on the phone yesterday?’ her mother asked.
‘Lance, of course. He rings me all the time, you know that.’88
Izzy’s mother studied her daughter for a while before posing her next question. ‘Are you sure it wasn’t Caroline?’
‘Caroline? Why would it be Caroline? Of course it wasn’t.’
Izzy’s mother turned to her again.
‘It was,’ Izzy said. ‘It was Caroline.’
Once again to her father: ‘And are you planning to see Caroline this weekend?’
Massive shock on his face, but Izzy’s senses bristled at the falsity of it.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Why are you even asking me that?’
‘Are you?’
‘No! What the hell is going on here?’
He was on the edge, about to go over. Struggling to block the echo of his emotions, Izzy closed her eyes tightly and lowered her head.
‘Izzy,’ her mother urged. ‘Isobel!’
The crash of a chair toppling over as her father stood up from the table. ‘I’ve had enough of this. You two carry on making up stories about me if you like. I’m going out for a drink.’
Through the roaring in her head, Izzy heard footsteps and then the slam of a door.
Tears, then. Immense sadness. Partly hers, but also her mother’s.
‘Izzy?’
She opened her eyes. Her mother was staring at her, searching her for answers.
‘Is it true? Is Daddy going to see Caroline this weekend?’
Izzy said nothing for a while, then slowly nodded her head.
The marriage didn’t last for much longer after that. Izzy’s mother continued to use her as a divining rod, constantly probing her for verdicts on her father’s thoughts and actions. He, on the other hand, became uncommunicative and unloving, afraid to show his emotions and of being caught in yet more lies. He 89grew increasingly resentful of his own daughter, feeling that she had been turned into a weapon against him.
Izzy was just a child, with the innocence and frankness that all children possessed. She said what she saw and felt. It took years for her to become properly aware of the part she had played in the destruction of her own family. And then the guilt set in like a rot.