How to Be a Great Lover in Attitude

It’s best we start at the very beginning. Plainly said, Great Sex begins with a specific attitude toward sex, an attitude that is open toward sex, comfortable with sex, and desirous of sex. Put simply, a Great Lover always wants to know more about sex, and this attitude is like an internal compass that guides them, inspires them, and soothes them. They understand the power of their sexuality and know how to extend this to their lover. This power is what shapes their attitudes—toward sex, their lovers, and themselves. In this section, you will learn how to hone your Great Lover attitude, shape it, or refresh your memory (or that of your lover) of why it’s so important to having Great Sex.

1. Falling-in-Love Sex vs. Being-in-Love Sex.

Allow that falling-in-love sex is different from being-in-love sex. Anyone who has ever fallen in love knows it is a dizzying experience that takes over your life and brain. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, there is a true physiological response associated with falling in love, and yet so many people complain that inevitably the white-hot heat slacks off. Well in a way, thank goodness—or we’d stay in that state forever and get little done. Joking aside (and I’m not really joking), most people reminisce about the great sex they used to have, despairing that it disappears when the honeymoon ends. Does the passion have to end? No. And you now have 365 ways to prove that to be true.

Real, authentic falling-in-love sex not only continues to exist, but can be tapped into for years to come. In order for you to benefit from this awareness, you need to accept that as your relationship grows and matures, your bond will deepen, naturally changing the headiness of falling-in-love sex into the deeper passion of being-in-love sex.

At some point in your relationship, you have to accept that the future brings changes and these changes will impact your sexual relationship. Great Lovers know that the secret for transforming falling-in-love sex into being-in-love sex is learning how to go with the flow by adapting your expectations and broadening the range of what is possible to please each other. With that greater variety to choose from, you will have more options to access sexual pleasure in whatever way that works for you. As Sheila says, “Yes, our sex is different. But it’s also deeper and more spiritual and more erotic. Not the quarry but the chase, not the trophy but the race.”

2. Sex Beyond Intercourse.

You need to accept that great, loving sex isn’t only about intercourse. What I have heard consistently in ten years is that intercourse is but one segment of great lovemaking—especially for those couples who are not physically able to have intercourse due to pain, illness, or injury. Now, I am in no way taking away from intercourse as a terrific part of sex, but I am pointing out that if you rely only on intercourse as the way of being sexual with your lover, then you seriously limit your mutual ability for sexual pleasure. As the tips and techniques of this book show, there is a smorgasbord of pleasurable activities out there to turn on you and your partner, and you can pick and choose from them and combine them in countless ways. Remember what Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld, the author of The New Male Sexuality, said, “One specific action alone does not define our lovemaking; intercourse is only a part of our sexual experience.”

3. Give Yourselves Permission.

Permission is a huge component of healthy sexuality, both the giving and the receiving of it. And often, the biggest gift givers of permission are our very selves. Given that sexuality is the place where we all begin, it’s amazing that we humans culturally give ourselves so little permission to know and to not know about our sexuality. This is our most powerful form of communicating; it is what creates life and love and every one of us. I am not going to go into why as a culture we grant each other so little permission to know, learn, and experience sexuality, but what I will address is that there are ways to circumvent this no-permission acculturation in your relationship. Great Lovers know that permission authorizes and gives them and their partners space in which to discuss and explore everything from their own experiences (how to orgasm in more than one way) to what they’d like to try (playing out fantasies) to what they’ve always been curious about (toys). For Great Lovers, the permission that exists in their intimate relationship has an “I won’t judge what you say” attitude, and has been the ticket for them as a couple to go to another level of sexual heat.

Men and women often arrive at relationships thinking that they should already know everything there is about sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. So before going any further—in your relationship or in the reading of this book—stop and give yourselves permission to not know. What happens next? You open yourselves to learning some of the most sensational, sizzling tips about sex you will ever encounter.

4. Know There Is Always More to Know about Sex.

This will be one of the few times I use myself as an example. People will often say “You must know everything about sex.” And my response very honestly is “No, I don’t. I learn and hear something new about sexuality every day, and the reason I do is because I have the attitude that there is always more to learn about everything in life, sex included.” I may hear about a new study being considered, read a definition I didn’t know, hear a new way of asking a question, attend a trade show and see new products, hear field researchers explain new ways of using products, discover a new component for novelties, learn about a better source for products, a variation on a position, a suggestion of how to clarify X, Y, or Z descriptions, or comments from peers on how to hone discussion points. The beauty of having an openness to any subject is that you can approach it with a “new” attitude, every time. And what better area to have an open attitude than sexuality? Even if you’ve been in the same relationship for many years, you can learn something new and surprise your partner or go somewhere sexually that you’ve never gone before. You just need to open yourself up to the possibility and allow yourself to be curious.

5. Treat Her Like a Lady.

Gentlemen, this tip may sound like a throwback to another era. Let me make this perfectly clear: there is nothing more powerful, nothing more of a turn-on than if you treat your lover as a lady. What does this mean? Be a gentleman. This entails doing things gentlemen should do: opening car doors, holding doors open, letting her on and off the elevator first, helping a woman on with her coat, and rising when she gets back to the table. Women need to be acknowledged by your good manners. It will make them feel more feminine and see you as more masculine. Honest. Gentlemen, women know that your behaving well and having manners are part of the dance of seduction, and your actions will invariably result in increasing your odds of becoming intimate or having sex.

6. Gentlemen, Let Her Know You Want to Make Her Come—Anytime, Anywhere, Anyhow.

This tip is not about learning technique, nor is it about your performance. This tip is all about how much pleasure a woman experiences when she knows her lover loves to make her come. Quite simply, gentlemen, it’s up to you to let your woman know you are enjoying yourself as you are pleasuring her. This will let her relax, feel taken care of and loved. If she thinks you are uncomfortable, she will feel uncomfortable. Whether you tell her flat out, “Baby, I’ll take you there!” or whether she knows by virtue of your sheer determination and will, you need to let your desire for her shine forth clearly. Men have told me that there is no more powerful an aphrodisiac than being able to bring a woman to orgasm; and that alone is a beautiful thing. But it’s important to remember, gentlemen, not to get caught up in your performance. Rather, focus on freeing yourself to roam her body as you chart the endless territory of her sensuality. As you will read later in this book, women can experience orgasms in ten different ways. It’s up to you to discover or enhance your approach shots. There is no right or wrong way, there is only the intention to elicit her pleasure. And by all means, try to enjoy yourself.

One woman, Terry, had been married for almost six years before her husband, Michael, gave her oral sex. Why did he wait? Because he was afraid that she didn’t want him to go down on her. Finally, after Terry attended one of my women’s seminars, she realized that she should just bring up the subject, so she asked Michael if he had an “aversion” to giving her oral sex. He was flabbergasted. “An aversion,” he cried, “I’ve been wanting to do that all these years. I thought you didn’t like it! You never asked for it!” Talk about time-is-a-wasting! The point: Don’t assume, simply ask.

7. Ladies, Remember That Oral Sex Isn’t Just for Dating.

First, let me say that throughout your relationship your desire to do many sexual acts will change, rather like the phases of the moon, waxing and waning with time. And, as with anything intimate, what works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another. Having said that, I feel compelled to include this Be-careful-you-don’t-fall-into comment. In over a decade of talking to people, many couples have shared with me how certain parts of sex were great before marriage or commitment, but that after marriage or commitment, or moving in together, this specific act or even sex simply stops. This is often the case with oral sex, especially women giving it to men. Some of this slacking off of women giving oral sex to men is similar to why couples stop kissing: The comfort zone of relationships is a breeding ground for complacency. Secondly, some women tend to think of giving oral sex as a “have to” instead of a “want to.” Let me share with you a cautionary tale, one that captures the cynical extreme of this situation.

In one noteworthy seminar I heard the two following comments: “My husband only gets a BJ once a year on his birthday. Yeah, I did it more when we were dating, but not anymore.” The follow-up comment from another attendee on her friend’s change of “desire” was, “Hey, you already have the kids and the house in Bel-Air, you don’t have to do it anymore anyway.” Now, these two women may not be typical in their cynicism, but they do present a very concrete example of women who stop sharing oral sex with their men.

Ladies, after ten years of listening to men, I must share with you that men say that ceasing to give or offer oral sex that was once part of your regular sexual repertoire is “Just not okay.” This rule of the bedroom goes back to a very basic way men think about their masculinity: they want to feel sexually desired and taken care of by their partners, and for the majority of men, oral sex is one of the surest ways to accomplish this. Your job, then, is to get in touch with your desire to give your lover pleasure, which will then get you in touch with your pleasure. For Great Lovers, the two go hand in hand. And for the record, men don’t seem to encounter the same problem: They continue to give oral sex to women long into their relationships. Why? They enjoy it!

8. Let Him Be the Man.

Ladies, the more feminine you are, the more masculine he can be. And the more you honor and sustain his masculinity, the more primal the sexual energy between you. Great Lovers know there is nothing androgynous or asexual about their being sexual, and they revel in and enjoy their given sexuality. The more you are in your power sexually as a woman, the more space and permission there is for him to be in his power sexually as a man. This truth is connected to the oft-unspoken concept that women control the access to sex and its activities: Hence, the more you allow yourself to be the woman in the relationship, the more you allow him to be the man. This subtle but powerful dynamic was captured by one international female entrepreneur in this way: “In day-to-day business I do it all, yet when I am with my fiancé, I can be as soft and as feminine as I feel, which is as much a reflection of his masculinity as it is of my own femininity. I know my femininity by how masculine he is, in public and in private.” So what does this look like? This isn’t about a male tough-guy thing, it’s about socio-cultural mirroring from bygone eras. Women who are Great Lovers have an innate expression and mastery of their femininity that makes their men feel as if they are the proverbial “King of the World.” I know this may sound hackneyed and clichéd, but this concept walks hand and hand with the adage, “Lady in the parlor; harlot in the boudoir.” This is about social differences between women and men, the doors, the manners, and the social niceties. The more a man and a woman have the awareness of those social niceties outside the bedroom, the more there can be a sexual difference in the bedroom. Many men have shared with me that there are few things that get their motors running more than feminine women: “It is how I know I am a man. Look, when I am out with my wife I want to be with a woman all the other men want. Shallow? Nope. I am telling you how men really think.” This tip speaks to the splendid dichotomy and difference between the sexes. The more feminine the woman on a man’s arm, the more masculine he appears, and goodness knows men strive to appear masculine and powerful.

9. Stay Current.

This tip involves defining your sexual experience by whom you are with now, not on past experiences or relationships. Few of us are virgins when we arrive at our ultimate relationship. Yet, no man or woman likes to be reminded of that fact or have our histories reexamined. We tend to appreciate the skills learned in former ties, but we don’t like to be made aware of how those skills may have been learned. That said, it’s up to you to make your current relationship the one that is most sexually satisfying. It’s easy, when referencing other relationships—good or bad—to stray mentally, emotionally, or physically from the one you’re in. Even the slightest thought can take you away from the now. So give your memory of past events their due by allowing them to teach and guide you, and don’t get stuck comparing and contrasting the old with the new.

10. Vulnerability = Value.

Our vulnerabilities show us and the world where others can make a contribution to us, where by virtue of another being there for us they make a difference in our lives. The take-away of this statement is “People stay in your life mentally or physically when they feel they are making a contribution to you.” When there isn’t a place or space for them to show up for you, they don’t. Your vulnerabilities are often the first and most sensitive area in which they can do so. You know yourself that when you can be there for someone, especially someone near and dear to your heart, there is a very real physical feeling of satisfaction when you’ve done something good. And it is increased even more so because of their importance to you.

Just a little tip here, invariably the last thing you want people to know about you is one of the first things they become aware of, whether you say it or not. If you are really very shy, but think acting aloof will make you appear more secure, think again. People will know. And the truest parts of you are the most appealing to people because they are that real. Does it feel comfy at first to let people know what you think, to see you warts and all? Will that make you unacceptable or not okay? No, but then growth and change in relating isn’t always comfy either, and the more open you are to sharing your softer sides, the more the important person in your life is likely to protect that sensitive flank. Why? Because when you are someone’s someone, that sensitive flank is theirs, too. Just remember, Great Lovers are unafraid of being vulnerable.

11. The Legacy of Trusting.

Trusting your lover is a gift that you and only you can give to him or her. Trust creates an ongoing legacy within your relationship. So what does this legacy look like? In your bedroom, trust is the foundation that allows other parts of your love life to flourish and develop. This is the single most commonly cited trait that Great Lovers say makes their relationships and sexual heat continue. Simply said, they trust each other in and out of the bedroom. They trust themselves and they trust their relationships. This incredibly valuable and fragile gift is earned and treated gently and ongoingly by those couples with satisfying and thriving relationships. And these couples often say trusting is neck and neck with respecting their partner and relationship.

12. Relationship As Refuge.

Just as your bedroom is your sanctuary, your relationship is your refuge—from work commitments, family obligations, and life’s responsibilities in general. Your relationship should be the anchor in the middle of your life, giving you support and a tether, while at the same time enough rope to grow, learn, and live. Couples who have established this feeling say it enables them to do so much more in their lives—in all areas of their lives. It goes without saying that the more relaxed and less frenetic you are in any situation, the more you can get done and the better you are at what you do. When your relationship is a haven, I have heard again and again partners describe this haven as full of support, a safety net, and as “contentedness.” As one man from a couple’s seminar said, “I like to come home and feel like the world is on the outside. Once I’m home, I always know she is on my team.” Given all the stresses we place on ourselves, and let’s be honest, we create much of this stress ourselves, couples who create this ambience when they are together enhance and inspire each other mentally and physically, inside and outside the boundaries of their relationship. And no matter how cold it may be outside, you always know that the emotional place you and your lover created inside when you came together is there, waiting for you to return to—for succor, a sense of peace, and, of course, sex.

13. Intellectual Freedom.

Some couples are immediately drawn to each other intellectually. At their first meeting, they fall into swift and deep discussions of favorite films, books, or philosophers. They move from discussions to outings and ultimately to the bedroom. Others of us aren’t as apparently lucky, and it takes longer to establish such vital brain energy in the relationship. Which doesn’t mean it’s difficult—creating an intellectual connection can be as easy as choosing a movie to see, enjoying it together, and then talking about it afterward. And when you create an intellectual camaraderie with your partner, you are adding another dimension to your relationship. The camaraderie comes from exchanging ideas with each other; this mental stimulation not only keeps your brains awake, it also keeps them engaged with each other’s brains. Haven’t you ever wondered what he really thinks? Don’t you wish she would have an opinion that surprised you? This kind of back and forth not only adds excitement to your relationship, it also keeps you on your toes: No one will say you’ve become as boring as an old pair of slippers. And how does this intellectual energy stimulate your sex life? Exactly as you might imagine: your intellect kick-starts your most powerful sexual organ, your brain, making your lover more interesting and exciting. Ergo, you have heightened the lust factor!

14. Cherish.

If you want to avoid the pitfall of focusing on the negative instead of the positive in your relationship, then you need to cherish the qualities you love in your partner. At first, this tip may seem kind of blasé, but hear me out: When we get used to our lover’s presence in our lives, and begin to get comfortable, there’s often a shift into the negative. We tend to focus more on the qualities of our lover that we don’t necessarily like. Why? Because we get disconnected from that falling-in-love energy, where all we did was focus on the good in our partner. So here’s my advice: Pay conscious attention to those qualities in your partner that you like, love, appreciate, respect, and admire. That, my dears, is the definition of “cherish.”

15. Love vs. Lust.

When we first meet and fall in love, there is very little distinction between loving and lusting. We flow from lust to love effortlessly—all sexual encounters seemed infused with love and all moments of love (exchanges of loving energy) are touched by lust. But as our relationships mature, growing more solid roots, we tend to separate love and lust, making them distinct and hard to commingle. We do this unconsciously, but we do it all the same. And when this separation occurs, you needlessly add stress around love and lust. As Great Lovers, you need to know two things: 1) that like good wine, relationships must age to bear the fruit of abundant flavor. Such aging means resisting this tendency to separate love and lust; and 2) that all you need to know how to do is keep the flow between these two components open. Some nights, sex may be all about lust, with the two of you tearing off each other’s clothes and making love on the kitchen island. Some mornings, you might look at each other across the pillows and smile, knowing the deep love between you. You come together without words, but in total love. Great Lovers know that it’s the synergy between love and lust that sustains a relationship—sexually and emotionally. So try to become comfortable with the interplay between love and lust, and you will learn how to move seamlessly from the heat of lust into the passion of lovemaking—sometimes within the same embrace. Nowhere is it written that you must have the same ambience and attitude throughout an evening of lovemaking—that would be like asking you to maintain the same dance step all night.

16. Stand Up for Your Rights.

Take responsibility for your rights within the relationship. Now, this tip is not about flat-out entitlement; it’s about a permission granted and understood by virtue of your commitment to each other. As such, these rights, like little plants, require tending and nurturing. What rights am I referring to? The right to ask where you were and where you are going. There is also the right of one partner to request the other partner to wear something more “suitable” in public. It’s also the right of a partner to inquire about the other’s work situation and offer his or her opinion. I am not suggesting that it is all right for one person to try to control the other person. Rather, I am stating that it is perfectly understandable and expected for you both to get involved in any aspect of each other’s lives that impacts the relationship. These rights are often unspoken statements about how you show you care about the “us” of your relationship.

Everyone wants to know they are safe even when not together. These rights, like respect and trust, are acquired and earned. One of the best examples I have to illustrate the power of this tip was a girlfriend who in the first month of dating a man received a call from him at 11 P.M. Her indignant response to me while we were on the phone at 11:30 P.M. was “It is entirely too early for him to be calling that late.” I collapsed laughing and asked, “So when would it not be too early?” She was very clear about when the right to call late would be granted in a relationship with her. So as funny as such “rules” may be, they have a serious side, and it’s about respecting personal boundaries. And Great Lovers pay close attention to such arbitrarily granted privileges.

17. Sowing Roots.

Be close and stay close in order to sow deep roots for the intimacy that leads to Great Sex. I’m talking about emotional territory here, and some of us are more fluent and comfortable with our emotions than others. But it’s necessary for all of us to work at being close and staying close. This means continuing to ask how each other’s day was, how you feel about X, Y, or Z. It’s up to you to make sure you know how your partner feels about life in general, your relationship, and your life together. Inquire. Listen. Offer feedback. Care about how he or she is doing. Don’t wait until an issue arises, a crisis breaks out, or an unbearable silence begins to prevail over the household. The ability and potential to always have Great Sex relies on many things, but one crucial factor is a couple’s ability to be close and stay close.

18. Frequency Is Dynamic.

Like the daily ebb and flow of tides, there is a natural cycle of sexual frequency in most relationships. I know of some lovers who relish the change in how often they have sex because when they vary their frequency, they also vary the where and the how of sex. Such lovers are displaying a glass-half-full attitude about frequency variation. They are confident in their need to take a break, knowing that when they resume relating, they can either re-create what they were doing before or try something new and different.

19. A Calm Before the Storm.

Invariably we see relationships on television and in films depicted as being tumultuous and dramatic, with people dashing hither, thither, and yon. Great Lovers know a different truth about a relationship that combines reality with a slow, sexual simmer. Consider this: Can you describe how you knew you were in love? Many times I have asked long-term couples how they knew this was the “real thing.” And almost without fail, they have stated that they experienced an immediate, calm knowingness that infused them, and the entire relationship. As one woman said, “There was no noise in my brain and there was a calm in my heart.” This calmness speaks to the belief and truth in that feeling with an intangible certainty that defies description. When Great Lovers first meet, they invariably say there was “a stillness” in which “nothing but they existed.” Thank goodness we listen to that tiny voice because we then get to reap the rewards of stillness: the sexual storm that follows.

20. Relish How Your Body Makes Your Lover Feel.

“To me from me” is how a Canadian woman describes the emotional synergy she creates for herself, knowing her body and actions make her lover so bananas. Truly, you are the only one who can bask in the post-coital glow of your lover. And only you can know the satisfaction of making your lover feel that good. So the next time you make love, linger in the afterglow and relish how your body made your lover wild with pleasure.

21. Are You Willing to Talk Dirty?

Did your eyebrows just arch? Anytime you let yourself try new things and experiment, you are exercising an open attitude toward sex. This tip is meant to encourage you to be willing to experiment with explicit language in public. Now, there is no need to do (or say) anything you’re not comfortable with. Yet consider how you feel when you put on a new outfit? In the same way that something on the outside can evoke those “I’m hot” feelings, so too can something from the inside. Consider starting with some of these lab exercises:

• Privately deliver (i.e. whisper) explicit language in public where you can’t act on your comment

• For the ladies in the audience, as you are completing your final touch of lipstick, consider rouging your nipples, or around your other lips if you like to trim that tender area, and then tell him you’ve done so once you are out the door.

22. Are You Open to Enhancers?

Couples who are open to enhancers invariably discover a whole new, fun side to their sexual relationship, filled with heightened sensations and new intensities. Many times people think enhancers are simply toys. They also assume that toys only come in one form and do only one thing: phalluses that vibrate. Indeed many are and do but even more of them aren’t and don’t. That bottle of almond oil nestled next to the balsamic vinegar can enhance the flow of hands over a body with as much ease as it can create taste sensations for your next salad. The real beauty of these products is that they enhance sensation and we have five senses we can target. Make a list of all five senses and then create the things you’d like to try. Is it aromatherapy? Do you want to see if using jasmine essential oil in your bath does prove aphrodisiacal for you? Perhaps patchouli is your partner’s favorite. Will oysters enhance your sex drive or is chocolate more your preference? Which visual treat does it for you? Which style of visual—book, video, or live lap dance? In the auditory category, what music do you like to listen to when you dine at the dining room table? Would you play the same CD while you are on the dining room table? Using your five senses as your guide (and there is more information on that topic in the Playbook, Tips 203-211), begin to explore how you might use enhancers to increase your pleasure. In the Fantasy section, you will find a complete up-to-date listing of many toys from which to choose.

23. Great Lover Moment: Great Lovers Are Shrewd Consumers.

As I give you a tip on being open to sexual enhancers of all types, I also would be remiss if I did not caution you against the many untested, potentially harmful products out there. The importance of this tip was driven home recently when I received a call from a marketing representative asking me to add a new product to my line. When I asked her if any research had been done, she simply said, “It takes too long to research women.” You can imagine my response. Here are some fairly recent products you should be aware of:

• ViaCream—a mentholated petroleum product that is applied topically and supposedly increases a woman’s libido and sexual responsiveness. This was created using Viagra’s research. The manufacturers infer that what works for men when they use Viagra also works for women, with no published research to support their product’s claim.

• Enzyte—a product that supposedly increases penis size and makes him last longer.

• Her Turn—another product that promises to increase a woman’s libido and enhance sexual responsiveness, but its Web site offers no further research data on the product itself.

• Avlimil—a sage supplement that supposedly “corrects” female sexual dysfunction, again no published research.

 

In general, you should always read labels very carefully and if you have any questions, call the company. Consider these steps:

• check to see if they have published their research results in reputable peer-review journals—if they have done proper double-blind placebo-controlled studies in which their results can be replicated

• do your homework and see if the marketers have taken a grain of truth from other studies and built a beach

• check to see who the test-audience was

 

Be aware that slick marketing companies want you to use their products so that you can make your sex life better. But Great Lovers know that if they do try a certain product, they don’t try it again if they encounter no results, any irritation, or harm. Remember, it’s your body, so be sure you know what is being used on it and in it.

24. Be Brave Enough to Share Your Innermost Fantasies.

As you will see later on, I offer an abundance of tips on how to add a component of fantasy, or explore one, into your sex life. But before you look at those rather explicit tips, you must be ready in spirit: Are you brave enough to share your innermost fantasy? The one that gets you hot when you lie in bed alone, but that you’ve been too shy about voicing to your lover? Those of you who have summoned the courage know the incredible freedom and exhilaration that comes from the sharing alone—never mind what comes from the sharing. No fantasy is that outrageous. No fantasy is that original. But the fear comes from not knowing how your partner may react or from imagining that she or he will be turned off. However, if you have two things in place, then you can access your courage quite directly: 1) You must have faith and trust in your partner. I’m assuming this trust is already in place; 2) You must have faith and trust in yourself that you can ask for this.

25. Be Willing to Change Something about Your Appearance to Suit Your Lover’s Preference.

This secret is premised on the shared goal of creating and adding to the sexual energy between the two of you. If he likes you to wear your hair down because it gets him totally excited, then it’s not too much to do for that added excitement. One woman told me that her husband gets totally horny when she paints her fingernails dragon red. “He visualizes them wrapped around ‘Little Tim.’ ” Need I say more? As always, I’m not suggesting that you do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but rather a small adjustment that may make all the difference to him or her. One woman just loves to play with the curling hair at the nape of her lover’s neck. So when he goes to the barber, he simply requests that the barber not take off “too much off the back. She likes to play with it.” By the barber’s trimming less, he gets more. So why does this work for Great Lovers? Because in agreeing to modify something for your partner, you are making an unspoken yet loud declaration that you have heard your lover’s opinion and it is important to you. You are showing your lover that you are willing to do something to please him or her. Perhaps this is why, over a period of time, Great Lovers begin to resemble one another in appearance; however, I personally draw the line at matching bowling shirts and sweaters.

26. Be Willing to Listen to Your Lover’s Complaints about You.

Again, none of us is perfect. So it makes sense that we can annoy, disappoint, or hurt our partners on occasion. Hopefully, we are not doing any of this misbehaving on purpose, but rather because we are perhaps unconscious or distracted by other things in our hectic lives. But when it comes time for your partner to air his or her grievances, it’s crucial that you listen without talking back, without defending yourself, and without justifying your actions or behavior. A tidy, humble, and heartfelt explanation of why can only come after you have fully listened to your mate, acknowledged his or her hurt feelings, and thought about how the event occurred. The importance of your partner voicing things is your listening. Remember, you cannot lead unless you listen, and when your partner feels heard, this listening often leads straight to the bedroom.

27. Be Gentle When Airing a Disappointment or Hurt Caused by Your Partner.

When it is your turn to air such a grievance, try to be thoughtful, making sure you are speaking from the point of view of how the action or behavior has made you feel, not from the perspective of trying to make your partner feel guilty. The point you are trying to make is to show your lover how they hurt or disappointed you and give them the opportunity to apologize and change or stop the egregious behavior. If you deliver your message in an angry or hateful tone, then all your lover is going to hear is the anger and hate; they will never hear your hurt, your desire for an apology, and your love. And FYI, ladies, men do not want to be around angry women, in the same way women do not want to be around angry men. Not that you can’t have your moments, but you do need to know that a steady diet of anger may cause you to lose a lot of weight—mainly him.

28. Practice Approaching Your Partner from a Point of View of Mutual Respect, Not Blame or Defensiveness.

Great Lovers strive to approach one another from the platform of mutual respect, which requires a kind and gentle approach even in times of anger, frustration, or disappointment. This platform of mutual respect is one of the core values of Great Lover relationships. Why? Mutual respect is synergistic and innately connects you, whereas blame and defensiveness keep two people separate. When you as a couple let yourselves focus on who is at fault, you feed into a cycle of blame and defensiveness, which can take on its own downward energy spiral. On the other hand, when you show mutual respect for each other, you create an upward energy cycle that leads to resolution.

29. The Gift of Giving.

Sexually, for many couples the adage “It is better to give than to receive” is not a simple truism, rather it is an attitude and sexual behavior that allows them to feel their prowess as lovers and to connect more powerfully. For clarity’s sake, let me explain it this way: Unless you are able to give as a lover, you are not likely to be able to access the intense physical connection of Great Lovers. A major type-A stockbroker described it as follows: “There is nothing, flat-out nothing that makes me feel more like a man than knowing I can create and give her that much pleasure. No amount of money, no business deal can make me feel like that.”

30. The Richness of Receiving.

Despite the attitude that women are able to receive jewelry and other goodies with ease, they often have trouble receiving sexually. Why? There is still a cultural attitude that a woman is “selfish” or “demanding” if she expects her lover to pleasure her sexually. However, nothing could be further from the truth, especially according to men. The number one thing a man wants is for a woman to be open to him and sex, to receive him. When I say this in seminars, sometimes people look at me like I’m crazy. Receive? How? Receive what? To get the gist of this tip, think of an old-fashioned sense of sex and receiving, and it will make more sense. In bygone times, one spoke of being open to receive your lover in your arms, to receive their words, their caress, to receive them in your bed, into your body. Somehow, many women have lost this simple but powerful art of receiving. Clearly, from a functional standpoint a woman can and does receive her man: She receives him into her body. However, Great Lovers know that receiving is not simply a physical action; it’s also psychological, emotional, and spiritual. So, ladies, when you are making love to your man, receive him as if your body were a vessel for him to luxuriate in. Extend yourself to him in love and in passion, and let him know what pleasure he brings you by being able to receive him in this way. And when you are outside of the bedroom, receive the gifts he offers, his kiss on your cheek, or his arm around your waist in the same spirit of openness and appreciation. For Great Lovers know that the secret synergy of giving and receiving is that you can’t have one without the other.

31. Great Sex Is Chronologically Ageless.

As a lover you need to accept that love and sex have nothing to do with age. I love Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld’s comment that all the actions of a twenty- to twenty-five-year-old are the same sexual activities of an eighty-five-year-old. Great Sex is a possibility at any age, and actually age gives one an advantage because of more experience. Despite the depiction of Great Sex occurring only between flawless young bodies, any lover with a scintilla of awareness of his or her own prowess knows that though there may have been something amazing and grand about first-time sex and hard, young bodies, young and hard do not translate into great unless there are other factors. Well maybe great for a period of time, but that alone won’t sustain longevity. So whether it is a confidence or sensitivity or your ability to tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, your date of birth is immaterial to your ability to create and enjoy fabulous sex. Accept that love and sex have nothing to do with age. As Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld said, Great Lovers know that great loving sex can happen just as easily at eighteen as at eighty-five. Perhaps an older body is not as vigorous or quite as responsive, but our bodies can remain sexually active as long as we remain relatively physically healthy and willing.

32. Great Lover Moment: “I Still Completely Dig Her.”

My girlfriend’s father still walks in the door at the end of his workday and calls to his wife of forty years, “Jane, would you mind coming here please?” And off they go to their bedroom—sometimes even in the middle of the day. I asked my girlfriend (she’s one of six children) what the magic was for her parents. Her comment was, “My dad still completely digs my mom.” My friend then went on to relate that as kids they knew that when the bedroom door was closed, under no circumstances were they to bother their parents. I take this GLM as proof positive that when there is a will, there is a way to fit sex into even the busiest of lives or households. So if you want to keep the sexual pilot light on, make sex a priority—no matter how many kids you have and how many years you’ve been together.

33. The Crying Connection.

Tears and sex have two main traits in common: They both are hot, wet, and the result of emotion. As some lovers well know, incredibly intense sex can result in intense tears. Tears show our most sensitive, soft hidden parts, the places where we are touched and impacted the most intensely. When you genuinely cry in front of or with your partner, you are giving your lover an unspoken message of how special he or she is to you. So whether the tears are caused by the stresses of work, an emotional blow, or the cat-food tin landing upside down on your new shoe, shed your tears. They are as much an outlet of emotion as an inroad in for your partner. As Dinah Shore said, “Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.”

34. Touch Your Lover’s Heart and Soul.

We love each other for reasons that we are often unaware of and often have difficulty articulating. But when we learn how to touch our lover’s heart and soul, we not only expose our deeply seductive side, we also deepen our connection. This is especially true and powerful when we do something out of the blue, surprising our lover. A spontaneous action can literally create a power line from your heart to hers or vice versa. There are times when a lover does something that is the tiniest, simplest of things, and yet that little thing touches a partner’s heart and soul. Other times, the heart-winning gesture is something so planned and so thought-out that a partner cannot believe that his or her lover has done that something for them. This is the operative sentence here: Great Lovers who have exceptional awareness of what touches all parts of their partner know how to bring their partners the greatest degree of joy and pleasure.

Knowing how to touch your lover physically is certainly an important zone. But I’m speaking here about learning how to touch the emotional pulse of your partner, their heart and soul. Here’s one example: Greg was a band manager whose lead vocalist, Sandy, became the love of his life one certain holiday when she turned into the Good Grinch who transformed his feelings about Christmas. Sandy loved Christmas, but Greg was a borderline Scrooge. Okay, maybe he was Scrooge: He hated the holidays with a passion because his father had died during this period in the past. Greg’s mood slump made it difficult for Sandy to revel in the holidays, as she always had done while growing up. But being a creative type and not one to shrink at a challenge, Sandy decided to try to change Greg’s mind. She laid down some rules: They could only spend $20.00 each (in keeping with Greg’s Scrooge-like tendencies), and they had to declare what they wanted. Greg told Sandy he wanted something in leather. On Christmas morning, Sandy presented Greg with a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, complete with no ornaments and bare branches, and a cassette recorder and a letter. The letter contained instructions that told him to play the tape and follow the directions to find twelve hidden decorations. On the tape, Sandy sang Greg her favorite Christmas carols, beginning with “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Each ornament that Greg then discovered in the treasure hunt contained an adjective that described a quality she loved about him; it also contained a clue that led him to his next ornament. When all twelve ornaments were decorating the little tree, Greg was then instructed to open his present from Santa: a fantasy garment made of pleather for Sandy to wear for Greg’s pleasure. As hot as their evening became, and as hot as their sex life continued to be, Greg told me that what made that one night so unbelievable was the awareness of him that Sandy’s gift demonstrated. “She knew how to touch me at my core,” he said. “I now share why she loves Christmas.”

35. Insisting on Being Right Can Kill Your Sex Life and Threaten Your Relationship.

A relationship always contains two voices and no one voice is more important than the other. This mutuality is vital to the healthy give and take of any relationship that comes when two people are really communicating with each other. When this spirit of mutuality is disrupted—when someone has to be right—you become polarized and that in turn creates an abyss between the couple, shifting the balance and the couple’s receptivity to each other. When one or both of you insists on being right, you immediately begin to drive the other person away. Ruth and John, married for eight years, always had a healthy relationship. Both of them have strong personalities (they’re both lawyers) and were comfortable sharing their opinions. Like Mary Matalin and James Carville, they weren’t afraid of verbal jousting—in fact, they admit that the slightly combative energy seemed to spark great sex. Until John struck it rich, literally. John made a killing on a tech stock, won a massive lawsuit, and was promoted to partner in his law firm all at once. Overnight, the money started rolling in and so did his “I’m always right” attitude. According to Ruth, John seemed to get carried away with his change in monetary status and he started associating his increase in earnings with his personal power. Very soon after, the dynamic of their relationship changed. “No matter what the topic of conversation,” explains Ruth, “he had to be right. He was on a power trip. But hardest of all was that he stopped listening to me. And I stopped having sex with him. It was the only thing I could do.” By insisting on only his viewpoint and refusing to hear his wife’s voice, John undermined their mutuality and upset the delicate balance of power in the relationship. This simple act had the power to push Ruth away in one instant. Sadly, those two are still in a relationship stalemate. In order to avoid this common pitfall of intimate relationships, Great Lovers maintain their attitude of openness (as we saw in the tip above), and strive to compromise. Again, if one of you insists on being right, you might as well as hang up a sign that says, “Go away. Your opinion doesn’t matter.” That attitude is what John Gottman so succinctly refers to as “stonewalling.” If you’ve ever experienced it, then it’s not likely you’ll forget its cold, concretized surface.

36. Be Proud of Each Other.

Your public acknowledgment of how proud you are of your lover has the ability to quietly remind the world of the strength of the connection between the two of you, be it spoken or in action, in front of your partner or by someone who has observed your behavior. A lover’s pride is a beacon of caring that works in the same way as a flame attracting a moth. This type of attention attracts the smiles and sweet envy of others. Now we have all seen the “displays” that masquerade as pride. This is not what I mean. I am talking about an ability these lovers have to champion their partner whether it is in the privacy of their bedroom or in a crowded restaurant. These lovers wear the nonverbal pride of their partner in their eyes. One of the more public examples of this was Nancy Reagan when she would watch the love of her life, President Reagan, giving a speech. The press corps referred to it as “The Look.” Her adoration and pride in her man was apparent to all who witnessed it; yet it only mattered to her that such an exchange was felt by him. And he always understood. Pride in this case is a lovely, insulating blanket, not the avaricious trait we have been raised to think of it as.

37. Never Think of Love As Work.

You likely already have a number of to-do lists in your life. Your sex life should not be one of those lists. Your sex life is just that—about life. It is not about work, it is a privilege. We North Americans have a rather wacky way of blending work into everything we do: We eat at our desks, we network at the gym, we return calls as we walk the dog. This attitude of multi-tasking has unfortunately seeped into the bedroom. Take a tip from the Europeans: Have the attitude that both dining and sex are far too important to be done in any other way than as singular events to be relished without distraction. So the only list you should be placing your sex life on is a priority list.

38. Remember That the Way You Treat Him or Her at 8 A.M. Impacts the Way He or She Treats You at 8 P.M.

Be aware that what you say and do will always have an impact on your mate. If it’s 7 A.M., and the two of you are racing around the bedroom in a mad rush to get out the door or feed the kids and get them to school, and one of you snaps at the other, that verbal quip will resonate throughout the day and into the evening. Tom and Mary always speak about themselves as “a really close couple.” “We’re lucky,” they insist. “We’ve been together for fifteen years, but we’re still jamming in the bedroom!” When I asked them how they keep their relationship on such an even keel, but still keep the sparks flying, they responded, “We are very careful about how we treat each other. Even if we’re in bad moods, we don’t take it out on the other person.” Face it, we all get frantic, feel overwhelmed, and get crabby. Who can stay in a good mood all the time? But should how you’re feeling inside affect how you treat your mate? Absolutely not. However, we humans sometimes forget our best intentions in times of high stress. You need to take responsibility for your behavior and not take out stress—or any other negative feeling—on your partner. So if you want to be intimate at night, you better keep that intention in mind. It’s especially important to keep in mind the connection between what you say now and what you want later. If tonight is the night for a bit of wine, candlelight, and undressing, do you want to harp on each other for forgetting to do something? If you’d like to be intimate with your partner, be considerate of your partner. Actions speak volumes and you need to connect your intention with your behavior at all times. If you rush out of the house without saying good-bye, why should you expect him to be waiting for you with open arms and sex at the end of a long day? The reverse, of course, is also true: If you cuddle in bed before getting up to start the day, if you kiss him on the back of the neck as you head out the door, you are not only planting a kiss, you’re planting the seed for wonderful intimacy! As Marie shared with me, “Tony and I have a five-minute morning ritual: We snuggle in bed before we get up—even our cat gets in on it, wedging himself in-between us! We both take that snuggle out the door with us.” Taking the time to treat each other with care, consideration, and closeness every morning, lays the path for the evening: an evening that might move from cuddling to something a lot steamier.

39. Protect What Is Yours.

Be aware that if you find your lover attractive, so will others. Now I am assuming you are aware the majority of people have eyes and they use them on a regular basis, so if you found your honey appealing, chances are there are others who think you have great taste and know that you are one of the lucky ones. You will remain one of the lucky ones as long as you do not become complacent. I’m not advocating jealous behavior here; what I am saying is that when you were first together, chances are you weren’t blasé about letting him or her know that you found that person more than desirable. You need to keep that attitude alive and kicking in your relationship—forever. So be aware that if you find your lover attractive, so will others.

40. Health Benefits of Frequent Sex.

Did you know of the many benefits of having sex with your partner? Are you aware of how frequent or regular sex enhances the overall health of your body? Consider these physiological benefits of regular sexual activity:

• enhances your immune system

• heightens mental acuity

• burns calories

• tones muscles

• strengthens the cardiovascular system

• fine tunes your metabolism

• decreases the aging factors

 

(Sources include: Dr. Paul Pearsall’s Superimmunity and Dr. David Weeks’s Secrets of the Super Young.)

41. Great Lover Moment: “She Rejuvenates Me.”

A European physician in his fifties made this comment about his mid-forties fiancée: “It is as if our sex gives me more life. The only way I can describe her effect on me is to say she rejuvenates me. I feel again like I am eighteen.” Having recently gone through an unpleasant divorce, he was stunned to find love again. But it was the intensity of the sexual aspect of this newfound relationship that made him decide that “This woman is who I want to have breakfast with every day. She is too important to my heart and my sex to have her get away.” My point? I have two. First, that sex can be found and refound throughout one’s life, so never shut the door on the potential to find someone with whom you can experience true love and true sex. And second, that sex is rejuvenating—in mind, spirit, and body.

42. Lust’s Triumvirate.

Why do you need to consciously develop a desire for sex? Because you can. Because without consciously doing so, you can lose touch with the ultimate source of your lustful desires. So what is the surest way to spark your ebbing lust factor or strengthen an already-strong lust factor? By staying in touch with yourself as a sexual being. Do you ever feel like you’re all head? Or you’ve becomes obsessed with your body—how it looks, how thin, how overweight, etc.? It’s easy to become distracted in our oh-so-busy lives and become disenchanted with our bodies. And a direct result of that disenchantment is to cut ourselves off from our own sexuality. In order to stay in touch with our sexuality, we have to love our bodies. Loving our bodies means taking care of our bodies, accepting our bodies, and relishing how our bodies feel. Lust is a natural by-product of this triumvirate of the body.

43. Build a Stone House.

We’ve all heard the cliché that a solid house is one built on a strong foundation. Isn’t this the lesson learned (too late) by the Three Little Pigs? Now seriously, ladies and gentlemen, you are in a relationship, you are already committed, and you believe in its future. Are you sure you have laid the groundwork to maintain its unwavering strength in times of stress or crisis? In my opinion, we must always err on the side of safety; here’s how to shore the foundation of your relationship:

• Regularly review your romantic history together; few things add more mortar to the mix than recreating the memories that set your relationship’s foundation. Trade favorite moments and share points of discovery.

• Reinforce your love and support for each other with symbols—whether it is something wacky or traditional. Does your partner like gardening tools? Photos assembled in a leather-bound album? What about a quote that describes your love for him or her?

• Have your lover tell you his or her favorite story of how you fell in love or when you first really saw that person.

 

The important point of this tip is to communicate and reinforce how important the relationship is to you, thereby strengthening the relationship at its core.

44. Accept That Some Problems Can’t Be Solved.

Just as there are always differences in opinion in any relationship, so there are problems that won’t seem to go away. And while I am a huge proponent of trying to work out any problems in a relationship using the tools of compromise to come to happy resolutions, I also know that some problems cannot be solved. In short, you can never control someone’s behavior, nor can you control the people in their lives—such as a contentious relative, whether it’s your mother- or father-in-law, your stepchild, or your lover’s sister. So when someone or something outside of the two of you is causing a problem, you have a choice: You can either stay on your respective sides of the fence, or you can work together as a couple on the same side of the fence, so as not to let the problem divide you. Letitia had spent three years “allowing my mother-in-law to make me crazy, and it always showed up in the bedroom.” But after getting some counseling, Letitia explained, “My husband and I finally resolved the issue. We agreed on certain limits to how much time his mother can spend with us. Immediately, we saw a difference in our sex life. The change was not so much from putting up better boundaries with his mother, but because my husband and I became a united front. As I say to my husband, ‘She’s no longer standing outside our bedroom door.’ ” Great Lovers have the attitude that a truly satisfying sex life does not depend on the absence of problems, but your ability to handle the problems. So you can focus on what you don’t like, or begin to focus on the positive—knowing what you can change, and accepting, with grace, that which you can’t change.

45. Beyond Orgasms.

It’s easy—in our performance-oriented culture—to believe the myth that orgasm is the goal of sex, and that having sex is about achieving orgasms. And while all of us love the wonderful release and sensations of an orgasm, we can miss out on tremendous potential for sexual pleasure when we focus too much on bringing ourselves or our lover to orgasm. So the next time you and your lover begin playing around, make a point of delaying or even resisting orgasm. As you treat yourselves to passionate touching, oral pleasures, or the fun that toys can bring, linger. Let yourselves truly enjoy the sensations, letting them develop and come to powerful fruition, or not at all—it’s your choice. By removing orgasm as a goal, you give yourself the ability to develop a keener sensitivity to all of your sexual experience. And with the increased build up, should you let yourself release into orgasm, invariably it will be to expanded levels.

46. Always Be a Beginner.

One of the attitudes most dear to a Great Lover’s heart is that of always being a beginner. Related to my tip about giving yourselves permission to not know about sex, this tip is directed at those of you who feel pressure to become instant experts—in the arena of relationship behavior, sex techniques, or simply relating to your lover in an intimate way. One particular woman comes to mind. Sandy came to one of my seminars after her marriage of twenty-seven years had just ended. Midway through the seminar, she demurely raised her hand and confessed, “Even though I was married for such a long time, I feel like such a beginner.” When I asked her what she meant, she explained that when she got married she was a virgin. She also explained that as her marriage had been coming apart for years, she and her now ex-husband had barely had sex. “I don’t know anything. I feel like I’m still a virgin,” she remarked in embarrassment. My response to her was immediate: “My dear, you may not know it, but you are in one of the best places to be when it comes to sex. Yes, you are a beginner, and beginners are not expected to know. You are learning and exploring. And chances are, your next man will be thrilled to know you have had only one other partner. And even if you aren’t technically a true beginner, you are in a great position to assume the attitude of one: an attitude of openness and curiosity.” Nothing ensures that you will have an open, exploratory attitude toward sex than if you think there is always more to know.

47. Live in a Culture of Appreciation.

We live in the most consumer-based society in the world, so it makes sense that many of us—out of sheer force of cultural programming—tend to look at relationships in the same way we are marketed to about all the products we “need” to buy. We are constantly being bombarded by commercials—on television, radio, and even our home phones— about the next bigger, better thing. One of the effects of all this unsolicited information is that we end up feeling like we are always needing something, and end up looking at what’s missing from our lives, rather than what we already have. This is a culture that tells us to measure our self-worth on extrinsic values (the house, the neighborhood, the job, the jewels, and so on); it is also a culture that suggests we should measure our partners based upon what they have or can do for us, as if the qualities and characteristics of a person are concrete, attainable assets. This premise has an important corollary: often people tend to look at their partners based on what’s not there (the negative), instead of what is there (the positive).

A case in point: Kane and Elizabeth are known amongst their friends as having one of the more solid and affectionate relationships. Not that they are PDA (Public Displays of Affection) specialists, but their friends know these two are still genuinely affectionate after thirty-plus years together—despite many rough patches in their marriage. From the death of their first son to both her parents dying suddenly, to the chronic illness of their child, to Kane being unemployed for years, they have clearly had their share of trials. And given this environment one would have expected their marriage to unravel or at least have some seriously frayed edges. Yet it doesn’t. Why not? When I asked them how they manage their marriage and keep their sex life going, Elizabeth said simply, “I genuinely appreciate who Kane is, and believe me, I don’t wear rose-colored glasses. I see him clearly for who he is, warts and all. In the beginning of our relationship, I made a decision: I chose to do what my mother had not done and look at what worked in my relationship rather than make myself crazy looking at what didn’t work. I could have just as easily focused on what he does that I hate, but I chose instead to look at what I liked, loved, and appreciated about him. By being able to focus on his positive qualities, I was able to get through the rough patches more easily. I knew he was doing all he could, small though that may have been.” Great Lovers keep their attention on appreciating the other person for who he or she is—not on who they might want them to be—and accepting the reality of their relationship. Great Lovers base their relationships on what is before them: their lover, mate, or partner, who they know and love and appreciate—foibles and all. The Great Lover grows to appreciate and value his partner for who she is, not who he wants her to be. Focusing on what’s missing from your partner promotes a culture of dissatisfaction, which in turn breeds a lack of contentment and an attitude that the grass is always greener. On the other hand, when a couple lives in a culture of appreciation, they reinforce an attitude of loving acceptance of each other, which in turn gives a relationship reassurance and their sex life an underlining of wonderful safety. As one sixty-five-year-old man said, “Whenever I want to start looking for greener pastures, I just start watering my own lawn.”

48. Nurture Those Values You Have in Common.

Great Lovers seek out partners with values in common. Whatever these values may be, Great Lovers know that they must nurture and support these values because these beliefs are the foundation of their attraction to each other and pivotal reasons for seeking and choosing each other. Whether these values are moral, spiritual, have to do with lifestyle or a preference for flannel cotton sheets, the fact that the two of you share beliefs and attitudes in common creates a binding tie that supports and reinforces your relationship as a whole. By nurturing those values you have in common, you strengthen the underlying commitment of your relationship, from which everything else follows. That commonality is your most fertile soil and makes the relationship and its future more cohesive, stronger, and expansive. The following are four types of values that couples can develop, share, and nurture.

49. Nurture Those Values Related to Family.

One of the ways that couples can nurture their common values is through family. By family I mean both the attitude and state of mind of your household, as well as the day-to-day traditions of past, present, and future all blended into one. When you as a couple understand the differing styles of your respective birth families, then it becomes much easier to define how you want your own family to be.

Caroline and Allen met as young executives, and from early on, they knew they both wanted to have a large family: They both wanted to have children to create a legacy. Caroline was one of six children and knew intimately the joys and insanities of a large family. Allen’s family was different but no less powerful: His entire extended family consisted of four, him, his sister, and his parents. Both his parents’ families had perished in World War II concentration camps. Though they came from markedly different family environments, Caroline and Allen shared the common goal of creating and nurturing a family together. But this shared value also affected their sex life: “Allen, as the man in my life and in my bed, is someone I can’t get enough of. All I can say is thank goodness we didn’t get married any younger or we would have ten children by now!” Great Lovers like Caroline and Allen know that the fact that they both wanted and enjoy their growing family means they strengthen their love and ties to each other. If both of you aspire to have a family, already have children, or consider the two of you your complete family, nurture this connection between the two of you. By doing so, you create an entity outside of yourself, reinforcing your own relationship.

50. Nurture Those Values Related to Your Spiritual Life.

Whether we call it spiritual, religious—organized or personal—the values surrounding the internal force called “faith” has given many couples a foundation that helps them weather storms and brings great happiness and peace, not to mention an added dimension to their sex lives. This is true wherever you may find yourself on the spiritual continuum: whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or Mormon; whether you believe in God, the Goddess, or the Spirit. Sharing a sense of spirituality with your partner strengthens from within. For many couples, their shared spirituality is obvious and blatant early on in their relationship, marked by a religious ceremony of marriage. From that point on, going to Mass, a synagogue, a church, or a mosque is a regular part of their lives, one that they consciously pass down to their children. Other couples whose spiritual lives are more subtle or individual, tend to wait until they cross certain thresholds, such as becoming parents or entering a new phase in life as they age and mature. As one woman, Marian, said, “My husband and I both considered our faith background pretty immaterial until we reached our forties and sat down and asked each other, ‘Where do we go from here?’ We both were wanting more from life, more than our careers or other interests could answer. Then we realized that we both had similar spiritual values—a belief and desire to be kind, to be generous, to give back. These values had always been there in our lives, but we made them a more conscious part of our relationship. Our spiritual faith keeps us on the path during the day, and at night, it is a gift we give to each other.” Those couples who develop a spiritual center in their relationship, and share in its power to support and heal, often find an added dimension in their relationship, one that strengthens them individually and as a couple.

51. Nurture Those Values Related to Work.

Couples who share the same work ethic; who find equal or similar pleasure and satisfaction in their work; who know where work falls in their priorities (and when it’s time to take a vacation), have a much easier time navigating through life. For most of us, work is essential—be it working for a salary or handling the day-to-day work of raising children. So while we may all define work differently, how we approach work, and where it figures in our list of priorities, is what matters most in relationships. If one of you, for instance, loves his or her work but has trouble leaving it at the office, and the other person only works to pay his or her bills, then this difference in attitude can cause conflict. As one client, Jim, told me, “Carmen and I used to fight all the time because I felt she was a workaholic. She had no time for me. But it wasn’t until I said those words out loud—‘You don’t have time for me’—that she was finally able to hear what I had been trying to tell her. She had become validated by the fact that she could do so much, so she kept looking for more to do. Work and being busy had become her life. After she finally listened to how her work was affecting me, we sat down and made a timetable to try to blend our work and personal needs. We ultimately wrestled the issue to the ground. Needless to say, after having clarified what our work values are, we now create more time for just the two of us. And it has made all the difference.” When the two of you agree on the importance and value of work, then this shared attitude will make it easier to agree on how you allocate and prioritize your time. You can decide ahead of time to work a certain percentage of the day or week; to commit two hours every second day for leisure; and three nights a week at home—for sex or simple relaxation.

52. Nurture Those Values Related to Money.

Money is often the third dimension of your relationship. When you and your lover share similar values about money, how to spend it, how to save it, and how to play with it, you quite simply make life smoother. Also, there is often an unspoken power dynamic set up by the person who brings in the most money, and addressing that dynamic is often as difficult a conversation to have as who is more in love with whom. Another complicating factor is that people can speak and think so differently about money, that even if you are discussing the money problems in your relationship, you can’t assume you’re talking about the same thing. One couple comes to mind.

Margaret and Ted looked like a young, successful, childless couple—from the outside. On the inside, there was mounting tension and frustration. Ted was a successful Wall Street executive who, by all accounts, made a lot of money. Their value system about money changed when Margaret, a former research executive, returned to university to do graduate work. When Margaret stopped bringing in money, tension began to build between her and Ted—so much so that they stopped having sex. It wasn’t until Margaret said, “If you think you’re the only opinion that counts because you’re the only one earning, we have a big problem. Quite frankly I think you’ll be very happy by yourself with your money because I am ready to walk.” Together, they realized that after ten years of being together, they had to re-create the money values in their marriage. They had to review what money meant to each of them, what they expected from it, and how they wanted to spend it. As soon as they processed these thoughts about money, the tension between them disappeared—as if overnight. It’s crucial that each of you be clear about how money be treated in your relationship and in your life—so money doesn’t come between you in your bedroom.

53. Court Your Lover, Forever.

Courting your lover is as much a behavior as it is an attitude. In distant eras, the essence of courtly love was putting forth the idea that the person you love is the chosen one. And although some of this attitude still exists today, many of us get a little lethargic once we are into the relationship. When we first fall in love and get together as a couple, we tend to treat each other with kid gloves. We do so because we’re not so sure how this new person will react to us, so we tend to be more careful, more delicate, more solicitous. In the getting-to-know-you-better stage, we also discover many things that tickle our partner’s sense of humor, touch his or her heart, and generally have that lover give us insider awareness of what makes him or her feel special. One of the most impactful ways we show a partner’s specialness is by delivering our attention in ways that reveal how he or she is our focus, and that our lover’s opinion matters. But as relationships grow, and as we become more used to each other, some of this focused energy dwindles. Great Lovers know that by maintaining the focused energy of courtship throughout their lives, they ensure not only that the initial romantic spirit stays true, but that their lovers will always feel special, never taken for granted. So I recommend taking a tip from those knights and ladies of old. There are two main ways you can keep the courting spirit alive: first, remember that a large part of courting is in taking the time to present ourselves in a physically appealing way. Chances are you used to spend more time dressing when you were dating; resume this attention to detail and maintain it throughout your relationship. Second, continue making the courting gestures that seemed so effortless and exciting when the two of you were falling in love. Here are some suggestions:

• bring your lover a bag of juicy Concord grapes for lunch

• pick out several romantic classics from the video store and suggest a movie-marathon weekend

• gentlemen, offer your hand when she alights from a cab

• ladies, make him his favorite cookies—for breakfast—and deliver them to bed with his coffee

 

There is tremendous power in courting, and Great Lovers revisit its potency regularly.

54. Je Ne Sais Quoi—or “I Just Can’t Explain It.”

Great Lovers know they have a special something, a chemistry and attraction factor that their partner feels on a cellular level, but to a large degree defies description. This indescribable feeling is the “je ne sais quoi” of appeal. I often hear the same conversation between lovers: “There is just something about you.” Neither person cares to define it; both partners are just thrilled they’ve got that whatever-it-is. As countless seminar attendees have shared, the appeal and attraction of their lover is not about idealized looks. It’s about that special appeal factor that is uniquely yours. So my tip is this: Sometimes it’s best to accept that you cannot define why you and your lover are attracted to each other or love each other. In allowing this quality to go undefined, you give your relationship an aura of mystery, which in turn breathes romance and sexual heat into your relationship.

55. Seasonal Sex.

Change is a natural and predictable part of our lives, and in the same way that we expect seasonal variations to renew and refresh us, we need to allow changes in our sexual lives to rejuvenate us and our relationships. So for those of you who feel that sexually things between you have become too routine or by the book, I have come up with a game I call “Seasonal Sex.” The idea came from a couple who shared the story that every summer they stopped having intercourse, due to the lack of air conditioning at their family beach house. “It was too damn sticky,” one of them remarked, so they chose to satisfy each other orally during beach weekends. By the end of that first summer, they had a new name for it—“Summer Sex.” The following spring, when they began trying to get pregnant, they used a deep, penetrating position, which as you may guess, they called “Spring Sex.” To take this tip home with you, so to speak, the only rule you have to remember is to create your preferred positions for each season. One woman had this to say, “Not only did this have us look at what our favorite positions are, but it gave us shorthand to use in public when we wanted to let each other know what was on our minds.” One example: “I look forward to seeing your friends this summer.” Translation? “I want to suck on the twins (i.e. his testicles). Now we have added our own important calendar days to expand our repertoire. Thanksgiving sex is a big favorite.”

56. Timetables Are for Trains.

This tip has to do with not getting stuck on a timetable for sex. I realize this may seem to contradict the tip above, but au contraire, not so. What I am referring to here is the tendency to have sex once a week on Sunday morning, at 7:30 A.M., because that is when the kids are watching cartoons and you have approximately twenty minutes during Spongebob SquarePants. For the majority of people, if their sex becomes so same-same that they know all the moves and triggers, they tune out and start to avoid it. Now, knowing your opportunities is crucial for parents and any busy couple best err on the side of flexibility, for you wouldn’t want to waste a presented opportunity simply because it wasn’t scheduled. New parents Tara and James take advantage of those opportunities with “What we call ‘Sex Lite.’ It is a few minutes in which we have actual intercourse and connect physically, but know ahead of time that we don’t have time to go to the end. Initially I thought it would make me frustrated and instead I leave with the feel of him inside of me, knowing more is yet to come.”

57. Enlarge Your Expectations—for Yourself, Your Lover, and Your Relationship.

As Mark Twain said, “Even if you are on the right track, if you stand still, the train will run you over.” Great Lovers do not remain static about their expectations of relationships, or each other. They continue to see the “us” of a relationship as a growing dynamic event, and they expect to see concrete returns on what they put into it. This tip also incorporates how you approach life in general: Do you see yourself and the world around you through a glass that is half full or half empty? When your glass is half full, you give yourself the opportunity to always grow bigger, be bigger, and have bigger expectations. How does this attitude affect your sex life? It keeps you always looking for the new and unexpected. It keeps you believing that more is always possible. One woman, Erin, related this, “My older sister was a great role model on how to keep expanding my relationship. She said we had to constantly review what we expected from one another sexually and emotionally and to never think there is a ceiling on what is possible. And eleven years into my relationship, I can tell you, she was right on.” So as you face your life together, always expect the best to happen: that the two of you will keep refinding each other in passion, love, and lust. But first, you’ve got to want that to happen.

58. Minimize Your Expectations—for Yourself, Your Lover, and Your Relationship.

When I say minimize your expectations, I am referring to minimizing the impact of and keeping in perspective the mediaized messages about how lovers and people in relationships should be. When couples are able to avoid the pitfall of responding to what others tell them to do or say sexually, then they avoid the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” syndrome. We are all so inundated by messages and expectations that it’s very difficult to ignore them. But to borrow from the ideas of many philosophies, when you listen to what’s “out there” instead of what’s “in here,” you automatically disrupt your connection with the here and now. You are no longer in the moment, but instead constantly thinking of how and what you should be doing, rather than doing it. However, when you believe you are trying your best, then you allow yourself to enjoy the pleasure that is right in front of you. And sexually speaking, this means that you are inside the moment with your lover. As Kyle shared in a seminar, “I have attended every sexual workshop you can imagine. I was always looking for some sexual Holy Grail I had yet to discover. It wasn’t until I met my Buddhist wife that I understood that the reason I felt something was always missing was because I was looking outside of myself. When I shifted my focus to what I was already enjoying sexually, I realized I had been belittling my own experiences, which were and are pretty fabulous.” When lovers learn to accept themselves, and their sexual experience, at face value, they tend to experience a deeper level of sexual satisfaction.

59. Let Passion and Sex Be a Reward for You As a Couple, Not a Chore or Obligation.

And how delightful you can reward yourselves as generously and as often as you’d like—your only limit is your imagination. If one feels that lovemaking is a chore or an obligation, then you need a new dictionary, a new partner, or a new attitude. This is normally an issue when there is disparate sexual natures between the two parties. Merritt and Thomas decided to take a tip from their children: Just as the couple had given their kids treats for good behavior, so they deserved a reward system for their sex life as a way to move out of the humdrums. “We not only moved out of the humdrums, we expanded our fantasy play. We each have a mental list of what qualifies as ‘good behavior,’ so if I decide Thomas was ‘good’ because he picked up the kids from soccer, I let him know and then he gets to request what type of reward he wants. And vice versa for me. I happen to know lemon meringue pie gets me just about everything I want.”

60. Don’t Get Carried Away by Performance.

Hmmmm. We all want to do things well, but what we need to be aware of when it comes to sex is not how the films depict couples together, but how we are together. Let me make this analogy between clothing and sex: You wear the clothes, your clothes don’t wear you. In terms of sex, you have the sex, the sexual act is not using you. And both sexes fall prey to this pressure to perform. Women have commented, “He used six different positions in the first three minutes and I’m thinking, ‘Whoa, tiger, where is the camera?’ ” Men have related, “She was so loud I had to put my hand over her mouth.” Performance is just that, it is for show and for stage—not for lovemaking. As I suggest to couples, when you are being sexual, focus on the pleasure of you and your partner, not on how well you’re doing a move.

61. Make Lovemaking a Conscious Lifestyle Choice.

In the same way you make lifestyle choices about where you want to live, this falls into how you want to live. This idea came from a couple who shared at a seminar that they did not want to have happen what had happened to a number of their friends after children . . . no sex. And even though they were practical enough to know their sex life would alter after they had children, they were determined to preserve their sexual connection. As the man said, “Despite how busy we both are, our sex life is too important for us to leave it to chance events. We make a time commitment to keep our bodies in shape and we do the same for our sex lives. Now we just have to be more creative. We choose having sex over not having sex any day.” Great Lovers know they have to make a conscious decision to have lovemaking be part of their lifestyle, and that means making the time, creating a plan, and always following through.

62. You Are Committed 24/7.

This commitment means you need to acknowledge that you are in the relationship for the long haul and be aware of this on an hourly, daily basis. This means always acting on the intention you have for your relationship. When a couple has the intention to make it work regardless of what is going on or has happened, they have a stronger, more supportive framework from which to branch out. Hillary highlighted the flip side of this tip when she said, “When Evan and I married, I realized I had to toss my ‘I can leave whenever I wish’ attitude. This had been a behavior pattern I’d always relied on so I could end a relationship when I wanted. I always had one foot out the door, and needless to say, this attitude always showed up in my actions. Now, since I’ve finally learned what commitment means, it is both scary and intensely comforting to know Evan and I are each other’s safety net.” My advice here is prickled by the flip side of Hillary’s story: constant awareness of your commitment to each other ensures that you will remain committed.

63. Style Differences.

Great Lovers are able to accept that each partner may have his or her own communicating style. By listening and speaking thoughtfully to each other, you can create ways to support those differences. Genny knew that even though Clark was up early in the morning, his ears didn’t work until after his first coffee. She jokingly called it the Caffeine Bridge. Clark knew that the moment he raised his voice in his Mediterranean family’s style of clearing the air, he had just lost Genny. Nothing in her WASPy background prepared her for those emotional outbursts. Solution? Genny realized she had to wait until Clark was post-coffee, post-shower before any conversations, and Clark saved his more excitable style of expressing himself for his birth family and adopted a new style with Genny that was calmer and smoother in delivery. So be aware of how your communicating styles may differ from each other, and take out the emotion when you are trying to be heard.

64. Be Honest and Forgiving of Your Own Human Frailties.

The human qualities we often refer to as frailties are often those we have little control over. I am speaking about the physical qualities more than social behaviors such as a bad temper or being very sensitive. When we don’t like something about ourselves, it is often because someone else told us they didn’t like this quality. In this tip I am advising you to know and accept your limitations so that you can be happy. Sam was always very self-conscious about his body hair; this sensitivity stemmed back to when he was younger and was constantly teased by his older sisters. When he met Leah, his current girlfriend, he got a whole new perspective on his hair. They were on the way to the pool when Leah came up behind him and kissed his shoulder. At first, he moved away and said, “Oh, you don’t want to do that.” Her bewildered response, “Do what?” He replied, “Kiss this,” pointing to the hair on his shoulders. Leah smiled and said, “Why do you think I put my lips there? I love that soft, furry part of you.” In one nanosecond, Sam no longer saw his hair as a problem.

65. Be Honest and Forgiving of Your Lover’s Human Frailties.

The same holds true for how we think about our partner. Of course he or she has faults. Of course he or she is not perfect. Did you ever think that person was? No. So why spend time or mental energy on criticizing or judging your lover? Don’t keep a running list of how someone bugs you. Blaine explains, “When we were first together, Gary was very concerned about my reaction to his snoring. It had been something that his ex-wife had complained about constantly, to the point that they ended up sleeping in separate rooms. It took me months before he was convinced that his snoring wasn’t an issue for me. Besides, I had him sleep in a different position, more on his side, and that took care of a lot of the problem.” However, when you are honest and forgiving of a person’s faults, accepting your partner for who she or he is, then you give that person the gift of unconditional love, padding your bed, so to speak, with joy and the greatest potential for sexual peace.

66. Understand That All Aspects of Your Relationship Affect Your Sexual Relationship.

If you are experiencing tension or pain in your life due to work pressure (you hate your new boss), a family crisis (an older parent becomes critically ill), an individual issue (you’re feeling the inevitable effects of aging), you need to expect your sex life to be affected. Once you are aware of this connection, you can then take steps not to let your sexual relationship suffer. How? There are a few things you can do. First, by your simply being aware, you have lessened the negative impact on your sex life. Second, take steps to take care of yourself in other ways, so these negative feelings do not leak or overflow into your intimate relationship with your partner. And third, try to let your sexual relationship be your haven, your succor—the thing the two of you turn to when life outside becomes hazardous.

67. Understand That Separating the Various Aspects of Your Relationship Can Put Those Parts at Risk.

Fortunately or unfortunately, this tip is directed mostly at the men in the audience. Why? Because men are more natural compartmentalizers than women. Men tend to focus exclusively on one project at a time, and women tend to exist more comfortably juggling numerous tasks and being able to focus on two or three things at once. Men tend to compartmentalize these sections of their lives: work, home, family, sex, sports, whatever. The risk of keeping things in separate areas is that your attention and energy stays in one area too long, to the detriment of the other areas. Use your car’s tires as a metaphor: You need all four tires to drive safely, and need to maintain proper air pressure in all of them. However, you also need to maintain balance, balancing the attention that each compartment gets. I have met many workaholic men who are now unhappily single because the compartment holding their former wife or girlfriend never got enough focus.

68. Be Open to “Tune-Ups.”

These tune-ups can be done with a professional or just the two of you, in which you and your partner review the mechanics of your relationship. I learned this tip from a couple who had been through enormous pain and suffering in their relationship, only to come out on the other side complete winners. Kim and Daniel’s relationship had been in the absolute toilet when one of them (Kim) had had an affair. All trust had been broken. The anger was deep and destructive. Neither of them felt any hope that they could salvage their relationship, but they tried couple’s counseling in a last-ditch effort. What they discovered was that as they began to see past their anger (not an easy thing, to be sure), they were able to get back in touch with why they first liked and grew to love each other. As Kim and Daniel began to heal the wounds on both sides, forgive each other, and renew their commitment to their relationship, they realized that one of the reasons the affair had happened in the first place was that they had lost each other in the busyness of day to day life. Starved for affection and attention, Kim had reached out to an old boyfriend—surely not the answer. However, Daniel was able to see that Kim still loved him. Now, five years later, they not only set aside time each month to nurture their love, but they also do “tune-ups” with their couples therapist whenever they feel the need to air grievances. The therapist provides additional support in a less charged atmosphere.

69. Be Willing to Challenge Your Own Sexual Comfort Zone.

This tip is a reminder for all of us who give in too easily to what feels comfortable. It’s human nature, of course, to remain doing things that are comfortable and familiar, and this rule applies to sex as much as it does anything in life. But if you remain hemmed in by your sexual comfort zone, you only limit your sexual experience, and your degree of pleasure (and that of your partner). So the next time you find yourself falling into the quickest and easiest way you know to pleasure you or your partner, pause and consider changing your route. And there are plenty of ideas to play with—simply read ahead!

70. Remember That Just Because It Isn’t Important to You Doesn’t Mean It Isn’t Important to Her.

This tip came to me when I heard about a friend who went out of town on business. She was going to be gone a week and asked her husband to water her plants. When she arrived home, she was really upset to find all of her plants dead. But the biggest reason she was upset was because her husband didn’t understand what the big deal was. Bad enough her plants were dead; he didn’t even care that they had mattered to her. Many couples have shared similar stories, especially around holidays such as Valentine’s Day. Gentlemen, if you think this day of hearts and roses is silly, but you know it matters to her, then you need to make the day and its symbolism matter to you—even if you don’t really “get it.” And ladies, men too want to be romanced, so don’t make the mistake of thinking that your showing up is Valentine enough. So whether you show your lover you get what he or she is into—be it a plant, a baseball cap collection, classic, first-edition books, or fuzzy dice—anytime you show your partner you know something is important to him or her, you speak volumes to that person’s heart. And it is a short trip from the heart to other areas of their anatomy.