With your attitude informing all your moves, you are now prepared to put your thoughts, feelings, and desires into action—whether in the bedroom or outside of it. Since 90 percent of foreplay takes place outside of the room where most sex is initiated, you need to keep in mind that how you behave toward your partner deeply affects your sexual relationship. Great Lovers know that when they nurture their relationships, they ensure that Great Sex can happen. In this section, you will see how you can strengthen the foundation of your relationship, put more of your intentions into actions, and become the Great Lover you are destined to be.

71. Speak to Each Other As You Did When You First Met.

Many office associates witness the power of this tip firsthand when they overhear colleagues speak to their lovers. In one office I was in, there were two such couples, one about to be married, the other married 30+ years. Sue would light up like a little beam when her fiancé, Jay, called; but the really sweet thing was to see Jerry’s curmudgeonly face soften as he would gently answer, “Hello, Sweetheart,” when his wife, Carol, called. This secret is about continuing to spark the fires of that falling-in-love sex and carrying it through—no matter how long the two of you have been together. When you were courting him or her, and/or first seducing him or her, your intention was always: Treat your new love in a special way, and let him or her know how special he or she is to you. This intention automatically carries over into your voice. If you remind yourself of this intention, it will come across in the way you speak to her or him. I promise. Deirdre, a busy bond trader, has a policy whenever her husband calls: he is always put through. Her rationale is simple: “He is the most important man in my life, and I will always make time to speak to him.”

72. Gentlemen, Let Her Know She’s Irresistible.

Gentlemen, ladies love to be reminded of how she first turned your head, made your groin ache with desire, or made your heart swoon. Was it the gold blouse she wore on your first date? The way she wore her hair swooped up at the base of her neck? Was it the tight black skirt that hugged her derriere? If you don’t remember, then start digging. Alan remembers with laser clarity “How that green linen dress hugged Cheri’s caboose on our first date. And the way those hubba-hubba shoes made her legs look.” Half way through the evening, he also remembers saying to himself, “This is not a dinner date. I am really into this woman. Since then (we’ve been together two years), I hang that green dress on the bedroom door as I leave for work whenever I want to remind her how irresistible she is.” No doubt you too, have a way of letting your partner know now she’s still irresistible to you.

73. Ladies, Let Him Know He’s Irresistible.

Men need to know you are attracted to them. They want to feel as they did when you first got together: that he has something you can’t resist and that you can’t get enough of him. Tell him, and show him. Different from paying attention to him in ways outside of the bedroom, this secret has all to do with the bedroom. When he’s undressing, watch him. When he steps out of the shower, watch him. Lick the droplets of water off his body simply because you can’t resist. When he’s ready to walk out the door, pull him to you and kiss him, deeply. Men pay attention to your actions as a way to predict whether there is sex in the future.

74. Great Lover Moment: “I Simply Can’t Get Enough of Her.”

A friend’s father who didn’t marry until he was fifty was the quintessential international bachelor, as the head of a major pharmaceutical company, he was chased by women across continents. Very aware of his father’s single days, my friend knew his mother had to have had something very special to have finally captured the heart of such an incorrigible man. He went to his father asking him one question, “How did you know Mom was the one?” His father’s response was immediate: “I simply couldn’t get enough of her then, and I simply can’t get enough of her now.” My point? Use this question as your litmus test: If you still cannot get enough of your lover, you know you’ve met your match.

75. Take the Pulse of a Relationship on an Ongoing Basis.

Great Lovers are always aware, alert, and active. These three states of mind mean that they never assume that everything is okay in the relationship. A few years ago, Karl and Keren saved their twelve-year marriage. They had become so demoralized by the cold emptiness of their relationship, both of them had given up all hope that they could ever feel passion for each other again. At the time, Keren remembers, “We had become so complacent. We had stopped even trying to communicate or do fun things together. Karl would go to work. I would go to work. We’d go to bed each night, turning our backs on each other. It was like I was sleeping with my brother.” What turned it around? One of Keren’s girlfriends had suggested they come to a Sexuality Seminar for couples. Karl said, “Basically, we thought we had nothing to lose.” When they heard couples having fun, and especially connecting this fun to their love and commitment, Karl and Keren began to feel a flicker of hope. “We looked at each other,” Keren remembers, “and realized that we had stopped trying.” Great Lovers check in with each other all the time. Weekly. Daily. Monthly. They ask each other how they feel, they make a point of knowing what’s going on with the other at work, with friends, with family members. They don’t assume they know all there is to know about the other. They are active in the relationship, treating it as if it were a living, breathing organism that needs food and air to grow. And by all means, don’t assume nothing is happening if nothing is being said. Great Lovers are proactive. They don’t accept silence without at first making sure their partner is happy. Peg and Mike learned that lesson well. In the early part of their marriage, they assumed that silence was a good thing. Until one Sunday afternoon when Peg said she was going out shopping with her girlfriends. “I can still remember the look on his face,” recalls Peg. “He was practically blue he was so angry. When I asked him what was wrong, he blasted me about always ditching him on Sundays. He wanted Sundays to be about us, as a couple. I didn’t know. When I asked him why he had never told me, he said defensively, ‘I thought you knew.’ ” “I thought you knew.” Does that refrain sound familiar? If so, then you need to become proactive. You need to make it a point to know what’s going on inside of your partner’s head and heart. When I asked Peg how she and Mike had fixed their problem, she said they never took silences for granted again. “The irony is, I was totally flattered that he wanted to spend Sunday with me—I had assumed he liked watching sports on TV. From that point on, we made a point of telling each other what we wanted to do on the weekends. We didn’t always want to do the same thing, but we never made the mistake of not knowing.” If you don’t check in with each other on a regular basis, you will lose the pulse of the relationship and risk losing your connection to your partner. Great Lovers take the pulse of the relationship on an ongoing basis. They ask questions, they offer ideas. They stay active, alert, and aware, and treat their relationship as a living organism. That, they say, is the key to keeping the heart of a relationship pumping with life, with each partner feeling connected and cared for.

76. Ladies, Acknowledge the Things He Does for You.

Men tend to show their love through their actions, so don’t take them for granted. I realize this may sound very simplistic, but bear in mind that he can’t know he has done something you appreciate unless you tell him. As comedian Sam Kinison said, “Ladies, let him know when he’s done it well!” And don’t overlook all the other things he does well either. We often are very unaware of the pride our men take in their “manly jobs” such as edging the flower bed, their snow removing finesse, and taking your car in for servicing. These are things they do with you in mind—your pleasure at looking at the garden, your ease getting out of the driveway, your safety in the car. As one mother of three put it, “I always praise Dean and let him know he has done a good job. It’s directly related to our great sex. I know if he doesn’t feel appreciated I don’t get appreciated, and I love sex too much for that.” So ladies, let him know that by virtue of his actions, he has made your life better.

77. Gentlemen, Pay Deep Attention to Her—in Whatever Way She Wants.

Remember that in order to seduce her body, you must seduce her mind. And the absolute, number-one fastest and best way to seduce her mind is by paying deep and real attention to her. Women love this. Trust me when I tell you they thrive on it and will pay you back in spades! Women need to feel safe, connected, and relaxed in order to open themselves up to a man. The reality is that there is hardly a greater turn-on for women than knowing they are being listened to and truly understood. It is a tried-and-true equation: pay deep attention to your lover’s wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings, and you have tapped into one of the greatest seduction secrets of all time. If you need proof, just watch any movie, and in this case movies tend to reflect real life: even the most nebbishy guy gets the girl in the end. Why? Because he figures out that if he really tuned in to what she wants and needs, and he came through, then he’ll get the girl in the end. A case in point is Bill Murray’s buffoon character in Groundhog Day, who in the end won Andie MacDowell’s heart.

But after the honeymoon, many men tend to forget this valuable connection, and lose sight of how important it is to keep paying attention to her. And I’m not just speaking of paying attention to a woman’s needs during lovemaking—that goes without saying. I’m talking about paying deep attention to your lover’s wants and needs outside the bedroom as well. This is absolutely key to keeping your sex life sizzling in perpetuity. The tricky part can be learning the best ways to pay attention so you hit the mark. Attention can be anything from how you listen (often the most crucial), to showing that you really know her, care about her, understand her, and that you’ve taken the time to translate that knowledge into action. So listen to her. Listen when she tells you what she is feeling, and respond in kind. Listen when she tells you about her childhood memories, or about the argument she had with her boss, or about what movies, wine, songs, places she loves. Listen to everything she is saying, both out loud and through actions, in the same way you did when you first met and she was the most important thing in the world to you. The more in tune you are with what matters to her, the more you will know what to do in order to seduce her, body and mind. Here is a collection of a few thoughtful and seductive suggestions gathered from my more outspoken clients. Some or all of these may inspire you, but take notice: Whatever you choose to do, however you decide to pay deep attention to your lover, your action must carry the weight of your intention. In other words, what you do and how you do it will have an impact only if it shows that you know what makes her happy. Robert’s plan of a weekend hiking sojourn will not work for a woman who treasures her Sunday mornings at home, just as a beautiful floral arrangement will not have the desired effect when sent to a woman who has severe allergies. Remember, this is all about paying attention to your individual lady and coming through with attentions that are particularly meaningful to her:

• If her parents are coming to town for a visit and you know this stresses her out, do something to help her out. Book her a massage for the afternoon before they arrive, or act as the buffer if the familiar family argument starts to erupt. It will mean a lot to her to know you are on her side.

• The next time she wears an outfit that you like, even if you’ve seen it before, notice her in it, and then tell her how beautiful she looks in it. Repeat behavior as needed.

• If you know she is having a difficult week at work, send her a thoughtful gift—whatever is special to her (one gentleman, whose lady loves The Wizard of Oz, sent her a pair of red, satin, bedroom slippers with a note reading, “click three times and imagine it’s Friday”). I know this may sound a tad predictable, but I also know it works. Women just melt when they receive a gift from their lovers. You will have just made her week a whole lot better, and all her friends envious.

• Notice when she is feeling overwhelmed and offer to assist her. Sometimes that might mean doing an errand for her, other times it could mean taking over her responsibilities in the house for the evening and sending her off to take a guilt-free bubble bath.

• If she tells you she doesn’t enjoy spending time with certain people, do your best to limit those interactions. One gentleman, whose wife found a colleague of his particularly distasteful, politely but continually declined invitations to double-date. Forcing a woman to be around people she despises is a sure way to roll up the sexual red carpet.

• Rent the movie she has been wanting to see (even if you’ve seen it), pick up the red wine she favors (even if you’d prefer a beer), get her the new CD by her favorite recording artist (even if you think he is terrible), pick up the low-fat frozen yogurt she likes on your way home (even if you want ice cream).

It’s the little gestures that add up. Never forget that giving your partner your attention is one of the most seductive things you can do. And be aware, gentlemen, women often say the most important things the most softly—in an almost wistful way. It is often your attention in some sweet, unexpected way that will have them fall in love with you on a daily basis. And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

78. Act Quickly to Spot and Fix a Problem.

No relationship is without its storms. Problems, conflicts, and challenges always surface—after all, this is real life we’re talking about. But Great Lovers act quickly to spot and fix a problem. This quality is related to their knack for taking the pulse of the relationship on a regular basis. If you both are present in the relationship, you will naturally be aware of what’s going on with each other, as well as within yourself. Glen and Gary were roommates in college so when Glen moved to the town in which Gary and Carla live, they welcomed him into their social circle. The problems started when Glen seemed to invite himself on all their dates. Carla was patient at first, but after a few months of dating “two men,” she was becoming frustrated and angry—at both Gary, her boyfriend of three years, and Glen, who she was beginning to think of as “the interloper.” She also wanted Gary to correct the problem on his own. Carla felt it was “his duty” to know that Glen shouldn’t always be invited on their dates, so she didn’t say anything. A few more months went by until one weekend, Carla just blew up. “I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I really got mad. I was about to break up with Gary!” She finally got Gary’s attention. Gary completely responded to Carla’s feelings, acknowledging how he had let Glen come between them. But a lot of Carla’s frustration and pain could have been avoided if she had only said something to Gary sooner. Great Lovers know that problems and conflicts are a normal part of life and relationships, so they learn how to spot a problem and fix it quickly—with compassion and the confidence that they will find a solution. They take responsibility for anything that affects or impacts their relationship—no matter who is to blame or what is the cause. If you approach a problem with this attitude, you will more than likely find a resolution. So next time something comes up, choose a good moment, think about what you want to say, and share your feelings with your partner. Nine times out of ten, your partner will be able to hear you right away.

79. Learn from Your Mistakes.

In short, learn from your mistakes. Most of us have had at least one previous relationship that we can look back on and realize things we might have done differently. Even if he left you. Even if she was the reason you broke up. A relationship always takes two, which means that both of you contributed to a relationship’s not working out. Sometimes relationships end naturally, with both parties realizing more or less simultaneously that the relationship is not satisfying enough, not challenging enough, not enough—period. However, whenever relationships end, it’s up to you to put them behind you so that you can be completely involved in your current relationship. But that does not mean you should repeat your mistakes. In other words, learn from your mistakes. Gentlemen, I’m afraid this piece of advice is mostly for you. Women seem to have an easier time making sense of relationships that did not work and making sure they don’t make the same mistakes twice. Men, unfortunately, tend to forget. Or not even bother to examine what went wrong to begin with. But let me say this first: all of us make mistakes, and none of us is perfect. We all have annoying habits, insecurities, or moments of indifference—all of which have the potential to drive our partner crazy, push him or her away from us, or make that person feel bad. If you are in a relationship and you want it to work, then it’s absolutely vital that you be honest about your particular weak areas so that you don’t let the new relationship take on any negative baggage that has no reason being around in the first place. What really bugged your past partner? If you’re now in your first relationship, what have friends or family consistently remarked upon about you that makes them uncomfortable or hurt? It is not fun to look at our least admirable traits, but when you know them, you can address them. When I asked a gentleman why his last relationship suddenly ended, he replied, “She said she didn’t want to be a golf widow.” I asked him, “Isn’t that why your marriage didn’t work out? Hadn’t Kathy complained that you spent all your free time on the golf course and not enough time together?” He looked at me in surprise, “Yes.” And then you could see the sadness creep into his face. “I really tried to make the relationship work. I guess I was just too set in my ways.” In the common-sense category of recommendations, I suggested his next woman be a person who golfed. All of us can be set in our ways; it happens quite naturally as we age—and there’s no avoiding that—but we can avoid certain behaviors that are destined to alienate or hurt or disappoint our partners. So what does this tip boil down to? You need to incorporate your past experiences into your present relationship in a positive way.

80. Be an Explorer.

In the attitude section, you learned how important it is to develop an open mindset about all things sexual. In this section, we are focused on your behavior—especially when it comes to how your relationship affects your sex life. So how do you not only become an explorer in attitude, but one in behavior as well? You keep each other on your toes. You inspire each other to do new things. You encourage each other to try new ways of being together. What do I mean? Let me give you a few examples.

• If you’re homebody types, used to spending your weekends cuddled up at home watching movies on the DVD, then plan a weekend around outdoor adventures—a simple walk through the woods can do wonders to refresh you.

• If you’re a couple who is used to splitting up on the weekends, he’s raking leaves, she’s doing errands, or vice versa—then change your routine: either rake the leaves together or do your errands together. The point is: do whatever it is together.

• If you’re a couple who already loves spending time alone, perhaps now is the time to plan a small dinner party—be it at your home or hosted at a restaurant. Consider serving an aphrodisiac menu—you need not tell your guests until afterward.

All of these suggestions are meant to break up your set routine and give the two of you a new way of spending time together. The more time you spend together having fun, the more you get in touch with your enjoyment of each other. And that enjoyment directly impacts your degree of sexual intimacy.

81. No Psychic Sex.

You cannot expect your lover to read your mind. I will tell you that lovers who have taken the risk and shared what they knew have reaped huge rewards in the intimacy department. Now I realize that this is often easier said than done because we don’t want to be judged or put our feelings at risk. But it’s important to be honest and ask for what you want. If you’re uncomfortable doing this, rather than bringing up the subject of what you might want to try in daylight, have the talk while horizontal with low lighting and snuggling, not while in mid-activity. This way you can feel secure, not be interrupted, and while holding each other, you can feel your lover’s unspoken physical reactions to comments that will guide you to expand or shift the topic slightly.

Take this example. Carrie wanted to have more anal sex. She adored it, and with Marcus she had never tried it. The first time she broached the subject, they were snuggling on the couch watching a porn film and that act came on. She said she knew she’d like to try it. She phrased it in such a way as to not offend Marcus and so he was comfortable obliging. By saying, “I want to know about this,” he didn’t need to be reminded of when and where Carrie had tried anal sex before him. At the same time, when you do share requests or desires, you need to be specific; everyone needs details and directions in order to be effective. If he or she has just hit a hot spot, reinforce their action with a “Oh, do that again.” Or “I love when you play with my lips like that.” Keep in mind this minor caveat: It’s always best to avoid revealing that the source of your request may be others you may have done this with in the past. In the gentlest way, always try to share what you want to know sexually with your partner.

82. Seal Your Lips.

For both sexes your relationship is a very private experience and the last thing Great Lovers want is others to hear a Tommy Lee and Pamela description of their lovemaking. There probably isn’t a bigger nightmare for most men than if their woman shares intimate details with others. Why? Because they don’t want to be given a mental image of the things they do sexually with their partner. However, women in general talk more openly about their sex lives and not from a prurient, “Yeah, baby, I’m so hot in bed” attitude. Rather, it’s a mostly innocent kind of cultural information-sharing women do. But it’s always best to be private about your relationship. There is an unspoken power that accompanies discretion and Great Lovers know this power intimately: When it comes to personal disclosure, they tend to err on the side of less is more. This tip, therefore, is quite simple: be private. Similar to that cliché about how those with old money never have to talk about their money, this tip taps into the strength a couple can gain from letting the most intimate details of their lives remain between them—whether the subject at hand is money, their emotional life, or sex. The irony is that everyone will know your sex life is strong because you don’t talk about it. So restrict discussions of your relationship with anyone other than those involved: the two of you and your most intimate family and friends. All of us want to feel good about what we do and who we are with, but we do not need to “spread the word” of this most personal side of ourselves indiscriminately. However, I do not mean to imply that you should be evasive or aloof. Au contraire; answer any inquiries about your personal life in honest, but general terms: “He is a most pleasurable lover.” “We connect well.” “She rocks my world.” Great Lovers know their nondisclosure isn’t about secrecy; it is about something more special—their intimacy.

83. Don’t Compare Yourselves to Anyone, Much Less Hollywood Idols.

To be a Great Lover, you need to possess a strong degree of comfort with your own unique appeal and look. I am only too aware of this as I am an identical twin. Although we look very similar to each other, we have always possessed a special unique appeal that is absolutely distinct. From the time I was a little unit, my sister and I have never attracted the same boys or men, nor have we been attracted to the same men. This uniqueness and our awareness and acceptance of it has not only empowered us in our respective relationships, it has also shored up our confidence in ourselves. You need to keep in mind that the so-called natural look of Hollywood idols is the carefully crafted result of behind-the-scenes maneuvering by an army of great wardrobe stylists, makeup artists, photographers, and airbrushing. Throw in the legacy of strong genes, and the Hollywood stars can’t help but look fantastic—all of the time. The job of stars is just that: to act in front of a camera and look good. Need I mention the ubiquitous digital retouching of models’ breasts in fashion shoots and body parts in porn images? Further, remember that the depictions of love, sex, and intimacy on the big and little screens are fabrications. When you resist comparing yourself to Hollywood idols and other false representations of sexual appeal, you can shift your attention, become more comfortable in your own skin, and confident in your unique sex appeal and attractiveness.

84. Live by Your Own Script, Dance to Your Own Drummer, and Sing Your Own Song.

You are a Great Lover because you rely on yourself to determine what is Great Sex for you and your lover. We are all bombarded by the media’s version of Great Sex: two twenty-year-olds slithering around in bodies that have been touched up, beefed up, or synthetically slimmed down. Not only do these images reek of fake sex, they also create an illusion of what Great Sex is supposed to be like. Great Sex is what works for you—and you are the best, and only—two people who can determine this quality. It’s about your satisfaction, your pleasure.

85. Romancing the Stone.

This may sound like a tired bit of advice, and I do apologize for sounding the least bit tiresome, however, this tip is so important that I would be remiss if I did not remind all of you of its absolute sovereignty in the hierarchy of sexual advice. Let me sum it up quite bluntly: If you allow romance to die in your relationship, the sexual soul of your relationship will die with it. The soul is the center of your relationship, and it’s either light, in which case it is alive with energy; or it’s heavy, like a stone, and will fall to the bottom in despair. Need I say more? Do I need to give you advice on how to be romantic? I doubt it. Each couple has its own special way of being romantic with each other. Just keep it up. And remember that romancing is nine parts planning and preparation, and one part execution. The actions need not be grand—because it’s the thought behind them that has the most impact. As the following examples illustrate, luscious, authentic romance is the catalyst for great sex.

• For Audrey’s first visit to his family vacation home, Howard printed a banner that read “Welcome to La Jolla, Audrey” and placed it in the front window. He repeats the tradition whenever she travels.

• Knowing Eric’s love of cheesecake, Iris baked her mother’s secret recipe and carried the sweet confection across the country, packed in dry ice. Eric loved the cake, but the fact that she had cooked for him made it even more special.

• Thalia traveled extensively doing international audits. Before she and Robert were married, Robert always managed to find out the hotel where Thalia was staying and make arrangements for a bouquet of her favorite flowers, Casablanca lilies, to be in the room upon her arrival. He continues to make this romantic gesture ten years into their marriage—even though he isn’t there in person, when Thalia returns “home” to her room, he is present in his behavior.

• Having paid very close attention to her husband’s car magazines, Deirdre bought her husband a Jaguar sedan for his fortieth birthday. When he arrived home that evening, the car was sitting in their driveway with a monstrous red bow tied around it. As her husband describes it, Deirdre pulled it all off in pure New York fashion: Since she doesn’t drive, she put it on her credit card and had it delivered. That’s what you call planning.

86. Never Embarrass Each Other.

No one but you and your partner know your soft spots better and nothing can drive an emotional wedge in faster than exposing that private area to the world. So whether you are in private or public, never embarrass your lover. You may think you are being très très witty in recounting an event or making a sarcastic observation, but you are merely being mean. So even if sarcasm is referred to as the sour cream of wit, remember the operative word there is “sour.” To embarrass is to expose and discompose someone else, and surely that is the last thing you wish to do to your lover. Do you really think they will want to jump into bed with you after you’ve humiliated them earlier? I don’t think so.

87. Maintain Your Dignity.

Maintaining and protecting your dignity as a lover is imperative for your emotional and mental health, but it is just as crucial to the health of your sexual relationship. Without it, quite frankly, your relationship will wither and die. We all need to have our sexual soul treated with respect as it is food for our relationship’s soul. Paul was struck by this truth when, after finally deciding to leave a marriage in which his wife continually had affairs, was told by his father, “Good, it is time you got your dignity back.” When he heard his father’s words, he realized how he had lost sight of his self-respect during his marriage. How does this happen, you may wonder. In the case of Paul, he had been so afraid of the truth (that his wife had betrayed their bond), that he was willing to sacrifice his own self-respect. The good news is that we can always restore our sexual dignity by keeping in mind these synonyms for dignity: self-respect and noble behavior. And there is no greater noble behavior than demanding that you be treated sexually in the manner you prefer.

88. Diplomatic Corps in the Bedroom.

There is no place where your diplomacy and negotiating skills will serve you better than in the bedroom. The number-one diplomatic issue of the bedroom concerns the approaching of and requesting of sex—be the signal a kiss on the back of the neck, or a direct verbal request, such as “Tonight?” while the two of you are eating your meat loaf. Diplomacy becomes a factor in how you accept or pass on the sexual opportunity; simply put, if you are gentle and kind, you have a better chance at keeping the door to sensual satisfaction open. And when you keep your eye on the long-term objective of remaining happily and sexually open to each other, rather than on the short-term goal of “not tonight,” you will be guided by what works best for you as a couple. If you are not able to genuinely be there physically, then take a tip from some couples who have a two-refusal limit before they meet in the middle and talk about why. The key here is to always try for a win-win attitude should you need to negotiate.

89. Keep Talking.

About life in general, the day-to-day minutiae, and your history. In this way, you keep the texture and tableau of your relationship alive. We are verbal beings. We rely on speech to communicate. Without this form of exchange, we cut ourselves off from one another. And this couldn’t be more true (and more important) for relationships. It is all too easy for us to stop talking to each other once we get into a place of familiarity and routine, forgetting or assuming we know the details of each other’s lives. Don’t assume! Talk! Share! Be open and willing—don’t wait to be asked. Be curious and interested. Give your lover feedback. And by all means, show him or her you care. Every day.

90. Learn How to Compromise.

When the going gets rough, Great Lovers utilize a powerful tool called compromise. Don’t think of compromise as “giving up,” which can make you feel that you’ve lost; rather think of compromise as a win-win situation. Each of you has “won” something from an argument when you strengthen rather than drain your relationship. What does compromise require? An ability to acknowledge, listen, and accept each other’s point of view—even if you disagree. If you’re comfortable with the Tip on healthy arguing (#93) and the dangers of insisting on being right (#35), then you’re probably already familiar with the great power of compromise to mend and heal the fences we create—often needlessly—in our relationships. Jamie and Louis had a vacation conundrum. As Jamie explained it, “I don’t ski and he doesn’t do beaches. So we have had to find a compromise that works for both of us. We first faced this when we planned our honeymoon. We both knew that if both of us were not happy, then that meant less sex, and less sex was not an option. Now we ‘blend’ our vacations, and make sure that we both feel comfortable. Last year we went to Costa Rica, where they have beautiful beaches, but they also have beautiful rain forest terrain so Louis can go hiking.”

91. Be Tastefully Jealous—Possess Your Lover Culturally and Socially.

There is something heartwarming about being able to stir intense emotions in your partner. Jealousy need not make sense on occasion, but when you are in love and your heart is vulnerable, it makes sense that you may act possessively of your lover in public or in private. Great Lovers know this is an honest and self-protective form of behavior that often states they possess their lover culturally and socially. When you use the possessive pronouns in conversation (“My wife” or “My partner”), you are not revealing the insecure, wild, green-eyed monster that gets all the rave reviews. Instead, you are showing the world and your lover that you care so much about your attachment that you need to assert this connection clearly and concretely. This is a style of jealousy that has a visceral honesty about boundaries and often takes the form of a gently possessive act, especially in public. The “Darling, would you like me to refresh your drink?” or the kiss behind the ear or a hand drifting around your waist as they walk by. They all make a public declaration that that person has permission to be in your personal space. The translation: “She’s with me.” Whether we like it or not, any lover with two neurons firing knows that people get jealous. Quite simply we are hardwired that way. So rather than buck what Mother Nature put into place, use it to your advantage.

92. Don’t Push Your Lover’s Buttons.

What makes a special relationship special are the nuances that we create together with our lover—the way we speak to each other, our pet names we have for each other, the secrets that we share that create the underlying texture for intimacy and growth. Indeed, we fall in love because when together, we understand each other so well, making each other come alive in ways both comfortable and unexpected. However, as many couples have admitted to me, the same characteristics that we love in our partner also tend to be the qualities that have the power to set us off. Albert and Charlotte capture the paradox of this tip perfectly: Madly in love since they were in their early twenties, they have always remained best friends as well as passionate lovers. But they also know how to push each other’s buttons, bringing each other to anger as quickly as a match to a fire. All Albert has to do to make Charlotte angry is tease her about her thighs; all Charlotte has to do to make Albert angry is to remind him he had to take the bar exam twice before passing. They both admit that targeting these soft spots in each other is below the belt, even nasty, and clearly corrosive to their relationship. So instead of pushing each other’s buttons, they now take a moment to figure out why they might feel angry—about work, about something else the other may have done, or some other personal issue having nothing to do with the size of thighs or passing the bar exam. Once they take the time to actually focus on the real reason they are feeling badly, then they catch themselves before making a critical remark that stings.

93. Arguing Is Not Always a Bad Thing.

Every relationship contains differences and anger. Every relationship has its fair share of differences. And from what I hear, some of the healthiest couples out there are those that let off steam every once in a while with a good row! So it’s not the argument itself that can cause problems. Rather it’s the attitude underneath the argument. What two people are going to agree all the time? Not even Bogie and Bacall, the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, or Antony and Cleopatra went without their fundamental differences in opinion, and no doubt some of these differences fanned the fires of sexual tension between these heatedly committed couples. It’s only human nature that we have different, idiosyncratic views of the world and all of its attendant noise and nonsense. So it makes perfect sense that these differences can lead to disagreements, and even full-on arguments. Any relationship always contains two voices and no one voice is more important than the other. This mutuality is vital to the healthy give and take when two people are really communicating with each other. When this spirit of mutuality is disrupted and the balance shifts, so does that couple’s receptivity to each other. So how do you navigate differences in opinion that threaten to raise a wall between you? You need to be able to keep the communication open so that you don’t create emotional gridlock in which the two of you get carried away by your own anger. I mean good grief, imagine a life with no differences! You’d be robotic! And often the smallest things you don’t talk about end up being the most troubling. So this means allowing for difference in opinion, acknowledging each other’s point of view, and listening to each other’s side. How does runaway anger impact your sex life? Let me put it to you this way: How are you going to snuggle up to your partner if the Berlin Wall is up between you? There is no shorter route to a sexual stonewall than when a couple stops speaking to each other—the inevitable end to an argument in which one or both of you resists acknowledging the other’s viewpoint and accepting a difference in opinion. As Mark says, “Sometimes when I get angry, I want to stay angry. But I know that could make it really cold between the sheets.” Instead, he and his wife Ilene remind each other to take a breath. “It started out as a kind of joke that a friend in California told us about—‘Breathe, let breathing be your friend’—but it’s something we got into the habit of doing, and it works,” explains Ilene. “When we take a breath, we slow down and usually the fight loses steam and diffuses the situation—the problem is no longer that important. But we always crack up laughing when either one of says ‘take a breath!’ ” Like so many things, shifting gears during an argument takes practice. It also requires that both partners be conscious and aware. Mark and Ilene take a breath. Other couples might use a signal—a peace sign, a hand in the air, an umpire’s signal for a time-out—you decide. What’s important is that you as a couple create an easily recognizable way to signal to each of you that it’s better to walk away from the fight and let go of the harsh and angry words if you want to keep your relationship sizzling. Differences are a fact of life and the clearing result of anger can be a good, cathartic energy in a healthy relationship.

94. Fight Fair (or Learn How To).

It’s no wonder that most of have no idea how to fight fair: we first learned how to impact our world and express our wants and needs at about age two, when we learned the word, “No!” As toddlers, when things did not go our way, our emotional and visceral reaction would cause us to blurt out our displeasure in an often impulsive, unrestricted way. As we develop, adding to our reasoning and language abilities, we may attain a bit more skill at expressing ourselves, but, for many of us, no greater skill in saying what we don’t like or what upsets us. So it is not a surprise that here we are at thirty, forty, or fifty years old reacting like toddlers to something our partner says to us. We might as well beat the floor with our fists and cry! Instantly, we are flooded by our feelings. We might be thinking, Why am I acting like a child?, but we blurt out, “I don’t want to go to _____”, “Where is mine?”, “Where are you going?”, “What do you mean?” Rest assured, you are not alone on this one. To give you a graduate-level class in expressing yourself under stress, I have included an incredible resource list for “Fair Fighting” from Dr. Jackie Jaye-Brandt, an outstanding Los Angeles-based relationship therapist:

1. Active listening. Take in what each partner has to say. Don’t plan what you’re going to say. No reaction.

2. Turn criticisms into requests. Look forward to resolving the problem with discussion and compromise.

3. Eliminate demands. Always consider compromise. Remember, your partner’s view of reality is just as real as yours, even though you might disagree.

4. One issue at a time. Be specific—it takes concentration to actively listen.

5. One person’s issues at a time. If possible, save counterissues for another time to avoid diluting them.

6. Present issues only. Don’t dredge up stuff from the past.

7. No make wrongs! Don’t blame the other person and need to make him or her wrong.

8. Resolution-oriented. Look for solutions and opportunities, not problems.

9. No scorekeeping. Don’t refer back to past fights and their resolutions or compromises.

10. Take responsibility. Assume responsibility for both your upset and a resolution to the problem.

11. No sarcasm. It’s dirty fighting.

12. No labels. Labels are judgments that take the attention off of the here and now.

13. Eliminate story. Get to the bottom line.

14. Commitment. Be in touch with your commitment to your partner and the relationship.

15. No yelling or raised voices. They’re counterproductive.

16. No assumptions. Never assume you know how your partner feels. Never assume you can predict how your partner will react.

95. Are You Clean Enough?

It’s important to be hygienically aware. In many countries, Americans are viewed as being a bit obsessed about cleanliness. However, I will share that women in ten years of seminars reported again and again that cleanliness is next to godliness. How clean you need to be for each other is a joint decision and personal preference, so it’s up to you to talk about your mutual comfort level with “clean.” And if you and your partner differ on this score, one way to set the gold standard is to have it be about your finicky nature, not your feeling that your partner is a slob. Otherwise, you or your lover may feel a tinge of reluctance in getting close. The bottom line is that you both want to feel comfortable preparing for sex, wanting to be ready for sex, and feeling no obstructions to sexual exploration. Any tinge of reluctance has the ability to short circuit a huge sexual power line. Why chance it? If bad breath is an issue, have a mint and then offer your partner one. Or when you’re brushing your teeth, prepare his or her toothbrush and hand it to him or her—a twofold loving gesture. You might also share how much you love his or her fresh minty breath on a certain area of your anatomy. You can also take a date-night shower, take care of unruly hairs (nose, ears, bikini line), brush and floss your teeth, and otherwise stay mutually presentable. And gentlemen, always remember to shave below your lower lip!

96. Ask and You Shall Receive.

How you ask for something is often more important than what you have asked for. Confused about how to ask? Find a trusted member of your lover’s sex and ask him or her the best way to say something. That way you get the insight into how ears governed by that other hormone are likely to hear or interpret what you have just said. Emily wanted to have Greg do her with her vibrator because it is one of the most pleasurable ways for her to orgasm—but she was scared to ask him. She sought out her good friend Matthew, who gave her some inside scoop on some men’s fears that a vibrator will replace them. Armed with this insight, Emily was then able to bring up her request to Greg so he wouldn’t feel threatened. They’ve been happily vibrating ever since.

97. Be Patient in Creating Your Relationship Even Though Being Patient May Not Be Your Strongest Virtue.

Know that a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. If you are in the relationship that you believe, hope, and pray to be the One, then know this: Take your time. Don’t try and rush things. Ladies especially, put the calendars away. Resist putting pressure on yourself or your lover to say things or do things. Don’t make the mistake I have seen so many couples make and marry because it is the “right time,” but not the right person. Commitment and all its relevant symbols will come when the relationship is mature and strong enough.

98. Great Lover Moment: Take Your Time.

David and Helene, a couple who have truly one of the most romantic, passionate relationships I know of, shared a very interesting point about how we tend to rush into sex in the early stages of a relationship. During their first double date, Helene was deeply touched when David said to the other couple, “The thing that really got me about Helene was when she said to me, ‘I need to tell you one thing: I am not interested in having sex with you.’ That made such an impression—it had the double effect of taking off a huge amount of pressure and, of course, only made me want to sleep with her more.” And Helene breathed an enormous sigh of satisfaction that came from following her instincts and not pressing the sex early on in the relationship.

99. Don’t Be Susceptible to Instant Gratification.

100. Money Is the Third Dynamic of a Relationship.

Money is a live being in most relationships and can have hugely positive or negative effects on your sex life. For many couples, money issues can have a slippery and all-pervasive nature. Instead of merely concentrating on how the money is spent, address how you feel about money—in general and in particular—all of the time. And believe you me, it sometimes takes years for someone’s true feelings to surface about how they want to handle money in the relationship. It wasn’t until after their eighteenth anniversary a woman shared with me that she would rather divorce her husband than have a discussion with him about money. I had been listening to her frustration about their different approaches to money for all eighteen years of their marriage. When she finally made that statement, I said, “Whoa! Hold it. Have you told him this?” Her response: “I know exactly how he will respond. . . .” The bottom line: She finally told her husband her concerns and fears about their financial security and household finances and he had no clue she had been so anxiety ridden over this issue for so long. Big no clue. After thirty minutes, she finally brought it up, and together they slew a money demon she had never told him about.

101. Treat Your Relationship Like It Is a Living Thing.

We are attracted to one another because of qualities we each possess, and then we create a new entity called “we.” This new entity needs to be attended to as a unique, living thing. We need to feed it, pay attention to it, and bandage its hurts. This is another tip that may sound as if you’ve heard such advice before. But give me a moment here: Do you think of your relationship as a living organism? One that needs strong roots to grow, space in which to move freely, nurturing to ensure its safety and peace of mind? Sandra and Barry acknowledged from the start that their relationship was its own entity. As Barry said, “We get invited to places all the time; but unless the outing or party is good for our relationship, then we pass. Before we got married, we made a lot of unilateral decisions about how we spend our time, but now we always make them together.”

102. Support and Respect Each Other’s Personal Endeavors.

There are two operative terms here that echo the comment “the sum of the whole is greater than the parts.” Support of an endeavor is usually the first step in this equation and when the respect of that endeavor falls into place, the synergy between the two gives one’s partner a noncritical space to pursue his or her dream or passion—whatever it may be. Now this is not to say you need to give someone carte blanche to do as they please without any regard to its impact on the relationship. Common sense plays an important role here, despite our free will to exercise our desires. So if you think what they are doing is horse patooties, tell them! That is as supportive and respectful to your relationship and your partner as high-fiving their other ventures. When support and respect for one’s actions aren’t present, there is an unspoken criticism that shuts off a lover’s willingness to share and reach out to you as part of their world. Without such openness, you invariably shut off the physical sharing as well. The unspoken message is “They don’t get me; they don’t understand that part of me.” This is a tricky arena, for often people will speak with “forked” tongues about support for a partner’s work. Pay attention to the actions, not necessarily the words. As an example, a talk show host regularly told his girlfriend how proud he was of her business accomplishments and how he fully supported the emancipated woman she was (I know, using that term sets the stage for what’s next). However, each day, after his early morning show ended, he called her office and became testy if she couldn’t talk for thirty minutes in the middle of her work day. In other words, his support of her endeavors was conditional: he could support her as long as it didn’t interfere with his access to her. I hear the same story from men who tell me the women in their lives complain they never get to see them. Unfortunately, that often drives a wedge between them.

103. Give Each Other Space.

Even if you absolutely adore your partner, most couples need their own space for a number of reasons—the least of which is a need for quiet time alone to recharge their personal batteries. So rather than worrying that they are losing interest, pulling away, or whatever you fear, take a lesson from a woman who learned the power of this in her own marriage. “One of the best things that happened for me and my type-A oil exec husband was his weekly art classes. He recharged and had something that was only for him, a truly rare experience. The best quality created by our time apart was the newness it brought to our sharing, in experiences, conversations, and people. The results showed up on our walls and in our bed.”

104. Fight for Your Relationship in Times of Stress.

Great Lovers know that their relationship has an ongoing power dynamic, with ebbs and flows, and they choose to work together rather than seeing every crisis as a power struggle. So remember, in times of stress, work together, not apart. If you have ever fought hard to win something or to attain a specific goal, you already know the power of an unseen internal drive. It is this drive that enables Great Lovers to keep focused on maintaining their relationships in the face of upsets, job problems, financial disasters, stepchildren, in-laws, the law—whatever the stress may be.

One of the better examples I know of was a producer who, after five years of a happy marriage, inexplicably fell madly in love with another woman. The resulting events led him and his wife to separate for almost a year. And then they began the long road home, working very hard to heal the betrayal of trust, anger, and deep pain caused by the man’s rupture of their marriage. Seven years later, the couple is deeply committed to each other and now have two children. When I asked him how he and his wife reinvented their marriage, he said, “Our marriage isn’t perfect. It isn’t for others, but it is for us and we have fought for it, fought really hard and because of that, what we now have is more dear, more precious, and more important for us than we ever thought it would be or could be.” There is an expression that nothing introduces a man to himself better than adversity, and nowhere is that more true than in the context of a relationship. When things are all rosy, it is easy to coast. And goodness knows, we all need to coast from time to time. But life isn’t always about being easy. Life for us humans involves challenges, and these challenges do impact our intimate relationships and affect the ways in which we love and connect. There is a bravery and a spirit in fighting for what you want and that spirit often wins the “war” for Great Lovers. As Marlo Thomas said, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” Great Lovers know the world won’t always be great, but they have an indomitable spirit and courage and will fight for their hearts and their relationships.

105. Listen to Your Little Voice.

It’s usually your heart telling you something important. Great Lovers are clear that they and only they know how they feel. That does not mean they live in a vacuum, just that they are guided by their own little voice and not by a public opinion poll of their relationship. Doug and Lauren met on frosh day of college and fell in love instantly. While dating in college, it seemed like they were charmed. But when they decided to get married right after graduation, suddenly there was a maelstrom within both their families. Why? Because Doug comes from a Catholic family and Lauren from a Jewish family. It seemed as if there was no problem when they were just dating. But marriage? No way. Instead of caving in to the pressure from both sides, the two of them listened to their hearts and kept believing in their relationship. The day of the wedding, Doug’s brother even told him “You don’t have to do this; I’ll drive you to the airport.” But marry the couple did. Doug and Lauren listened to their own inner voices about the power of how they felt about each other—because as Great Lovers, they knew that their brains will often short-circuit the importance of that message. Without being cavalier or inconsiderate of their families, twelve years and two children later, the strength of their relationship has been a role model for many of how true love can triumph.

106. Be a Great Toucher.

Our skin is the number-one conductor of sexual and emotional energy. Certainly our brains, hands, and other body parts are crucial when it comes to generating heat, but I am a great believer in the astonishing power of touch to cure ills, bring couples together, and continually ignite the flames of passion. Our skin is our largest sexual organ, so it only makes sense that our bodies enjoy and are meant to be touched, caressed, and kissed—all over. There is plenty of scientific data to support that a chemical response occurs when we touch, which is produced in our brains and bodies. But you don’t need research to prove how important touch is between lovers. What is the effect on your emotional state when she nibbles on your earlobe (or other strategic parts) just the way you like, or when he rests his head in your lap on a rainy Sunday afternoon? Touch connects us in a deep, primal way. When you remember to really use this oh-so-powerful tactile sense, you will see this form of sensual communication resonate in every dimension of your relationship. By remembering to touch your lover in an active, meaningful way, you don’t limit the magic of sensuality to just the time you are in the bedroom; you can carry that heightened sense of erotic connection throughout the rest of your day. By touching instead of talking, by massaging instead of tuning out, by kissing instead of burying yourself in the television or computer, you are continually building heat between you, and the payoffs are huge. One woman, whose lover lives across the country, has been so moved by the way he touches her in person that she can experience the same stimulation even when they are apart. “When we’re together,” she explained, “he is so magical with his hands; it’s as if he knows just how to touch me, even when I don’t myself know how I want to be touched.” How does this magician work? When they walk side by side, he will place his hand firmly at the small of her back and gently guide her. When they sit side by side in a restaurant, he will kiss the back of her hand and then place it in his lap. He creates touch that lingers through the skin. Remember, gentlemen, you cannot touch a woman in a willy-nilly fashion; it’s not the fact that you lay your hands on her that counts—it is how you lay your hands on her that makes an impact. I’m speaking about the energy behind your touch. Is your touch meant to be soothing, arousing, protective, apologetic, or erotic? In other words, what are you trying to convey through your touch? A touch can silently convey “I’m here for you,” or “You look beautiful,” or, of course, “I want you.” Touching is not just a means to an obvious end; rather it’s a measure of a lover’s ability to speak different languages. A Great Lover can speak volumes with his or her hands, and with very little practice, you can learn to communicate with your lover in a language that goes way beyond words. For instance, if she needs comfort, perhaps try the standby favorite: a warm embrace. If you notice she looks particularly lovely that day and you want to convey your appreciation for her beauty, perhaps a sensual caress of her cheek. If your aim is to arouse, a light sweep of the side of her breast as you help her on with her coat can produce the effect you are hoping for. Remember that it is the continuity of touching your lover all the time that will make the difference.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to show your man how you like to be touched. When I say this, I mean show him with your own hands or put your hand over his and show him. There are three reasons this tip works: First, most men enjoy watching women touch themselves; they get totally turned on. Second, your man will appreciate the advice. And third, you’ll appreciate the results. So don’t be shy: Show him where, how hard, how soft, how fast, or how slowly you like to be touched on your genitals or any other area for that matter. Here are just a few ways you can introduce touch into your relationship on a more consistent basis—before becoming sexual—that will only enhance the tactile eroticism of sex once you do get there:

• Sit beside each other when watching TV. It may sound mundane, but you would be amazed how different the experience can be when you are actually cuddled up on the couch, body to body with your partner rather than marooned on separate furniture islands.

• Give him or her a gentle squeeze on the shoulder when you walk by. As one client put it, “When my guy does that, I feel so loved!”

• If she has a stray eyelash on her cheek, gently reach over and brush it away with your finger.

• In the morning, as you go to work or in the evening as you’re getting ready to leave, use a lint-brush roller to remove any stray cat or dog hair over his or her body . . . in the process, you may delay your departure!

• Do a Hug and Run—come up behind your lover and wrap your arms around him or her from behind as he or she dresses, is on the phone, or preparing something on the counter. The point here is to do it while your lover is involved in something else.

• As lovers do in India, on a very hot day, lift her hair and gently blow on the skin at the back of her neck.

• End your day connected like one professional couple I know, who, after six years of marriage, fall asleep while holding hands.

107. Turn Off the TV.

I doubt this tip needs much explaining. If the television is present in the bedroom, then you will feel more tempted to turn it on rather than yourselves. By removing the Magnavox from your room, you also remove the temptation to turn it on. You also increase your chances of entertaining each other. Television, especially when it’s placed in the bedroom, where most sex is initiated, is a major interruption and distraction to sex. And Great Lovers know this. Do you want to share her with anybody, much less a talking box? If, however, the two of you want to watch television together, then do so in concert—holding hands, snuggled in bed together, naked—skin on skin. Make the watching not a distraction, but an intimate experience that you are sharing with each other. Soon, you may lose interest in the black box anyway and find far more enticing ways to spend an evening.

108. No Kids in the Bed!

Don’t allow your children to sleep with you on a regular basis. This tip doesn’t need much explaining, but it does require moral support, especially if you are new parents and all you want is a good night’s sleep and somehow, somewhere, at some time, you brought your infant into your bed to quiet him or her. But now your adorable little one is almost two and your sex life has gone kaput! Yes, they are cuddly little bundles of joy, but, no, they are not meant to be your bedfellows. Your bed is reserved for the two of you: It’s a significant part of your sanctuary, so you must treat it as such. If your child is between you, then you cannot be the lovers that you are supposed to be. It’s quite simple.

109. Home Is Where the Heart Is.

Create a sensual atmosphere throughout your home. Take a tip from feng shui masters and know you need to balance and extend the sensual energy and heartbeat throughout the place you live. One outstanding way to enhance your love life is to look at how each room can contribute to creating the sensuality the two of you prefer. After all, each room is part of how you relate as a couple. Start with the bedroom. . . . Then perhaps use rich brocade curtains in the family room, or a sage green moire shower curtain in the bathroom, or place candles in the entry-way. By doing something as simple as putting smooth wooden seats in the kitchen or a mirror in the foyer or hall as you walk in the door, you can add a new dimension—never mind create a stage for your own sex show. Whatever your choices may be, the important thing to remember is by creating a sensual atmosphere throughout your home, you have subliminally established the mindset of sensation. Should you wish to indulge in more sensations, the stage has already been set.

110. Hug Each Other.

As you learned above, any form of touching is a powerful physical force in your relationship. But a hug carries with it a unique power: when you hug your lover, you are going into his or her physical space—and this is a special right that you have as lovers. Here’s an analogy: Only your children can call you Mom or Dad; it’s a privilege that only they have. The same applies to hugs between lovers, and in my mind, a good hug has magical powers:

• at the end of the day

• at the beginning of the day

• as you get out of bed

• as you get into bed

111. Create Emotional Safety.

This tip carries waves of wonder with it. When a man or woman is made to feel emotionally safe with his or her lover, the potential for intimacy, personal growth, and sensational sex increases exponentially. I cannot underestimate the primacy of this piece of advice. Just think of how important it is for a baby or child to feel safe: When a child feels secure in his attachment to his parents, he then feels confident and comfortable in separating, and growing into his full potential self. However, when his sense of safety is in question, and the child is left to feel insecure or afraid, then all of his actions, beliefs about himself, and the world around him are affected. The child becomes compromised. In terms of our sexual relationships with our partners, the same cause-and-effect holds true. If you as partners do not feel emotionally safe with each other, then you immediately compromise the integrity of your relationship, shorten its potential for growth, and seriously undermine its strengths. In order to make sure you are enabling this quality of safety, ask yourselves these questions:

• Do you trust your partner with confidences?

• Do you feel you can tell your partner anything?

• Is it your partner you turn to in times of stress or crisis?

• Is your partner familiar with your emotional issues or your baggage?

If you can answer these questions in the affirmative, then it stands to reason that you and your partner share a high degree of emotional safety. If not, then there may be some work to do in the trust area. I’m not a therapist, but I can see a fly in the ointment.

112. Gentlemen, Remember That Your Fingers and Hands Are a Wonderful Source of Pleasure for Your Lady.

As much as women enjoy penetration during intercourse, they absolutely love the play of your fingers—everywhere. As you will see in the Playbook and in the Classics sections, there are many hand maneuvers you can employ to keep your lady on the edge of her seat, so to speak. But for now, keep in mind only one thing: Never stop using your hands to delight her.

113. Turn Complaints into Requests.

Let’s face it, no matter how much in love, how devoted we are, or how committed we feel, we all possess pet peeves about our significant others. It’s a fact of life: No one (including our very selves) is perfect. We all possess foibles, attitudes—and although we are often loath to admit it—even some truly annoying habits. So in order to communicate effectively, keeping the bad feelings from seeping into your sexual relationship, follow another golden tidbit coming from Jackie Jaye-Brandt: learn how to turn complaints into requests. Without fail, all the women and men I spoke with attest to the power of this simple rule of behavior. As Mary Kate and Joe told me, “We had to figure out a way to ask that something be changed. Joe is a fast driver—I mean really fast, and it terrified and upset me. But I didn’t know how to get him to slow down. I would resort to complaining. But it was like he didn’t hear me—instead of slowing down, he seemed to speed up! I had to figure out a way to let him know how important this was to me.”

As Mary Kate suggests, complaining is not a constructive way to make someone change a behavior or an annoying habit. It usually just exacerbates the issue because the person hearing the complaint is distracted by the demanding tone or whiny voice. If you want to be heard by your partner, and you want your partner to listen and agree to change something, you first need to present a request rather than a complaint. But in order to reinforce this strategy, you need to come to an agreement. Mary Kate and Joe created an agreement that worked for both of them: Whenever Joe seems to be driving too fast, or in a way that makes Mary Kate uncomfortable, she asks, “Can we remember our agreement?” Instead of complaining, she makes a request. Now he is much more able to hear what she’s saying and respond without feeling defensive or irritated. When lovers turn into complainers, they push each other away. Life is busy and stressful enough, and it’s too easy to drive a giant wedge between you. It’s always better in the long run to take the time to ask. But learning how to request instead of complain takes energy, forethought, and control of impulse.

Consider the following chart:

Complaints put distance between you and your partner; requests bring you together. If you make a request, instead of a complaint, I bet you’d not only get your way, you will see how this skill is transferable to a lot of other areas of your life.

114. Create Important Moments and Make Memories.

Seasoned lovers have the knack for creating an ongoing history by paying attention to their important sexual moments and memories. These lovers need merely dip into their memory banks to fuel, refuel, and jumpstart their sex lives. And obviously, the more personal and subjective the better. So whether you simply return mentally to the first time she swallowed, used novelties, or he gave her a G spot orgasm, Great Lovers never overlook the treasure trove these moments can provide. For Erica, hitting the Rewind button happened while she was grocery shopping and saw sprigs of fresh mint—exactly like the one she took from his Derby Day mint julep in Lexington, just before refreshing him in the back of the Jockey Club with her newly minty mouth.

115. Make Your Lover Laugh.

Have you ever watched couples who have the gift of making each other laugh? It is a bit like being a social voyeur: There is something downright magnetic about watching someone trigger their partner’s unseen pleasure points. Without a doubt, laughter is one of the best aphrodisiacs. When someone can tap into your sense of humor, they unwittingly make you feel connected. This connecting tissue creates an energy that is all at once cathartic, healing, and especially bonding. They get you and you know that they will likely continue to get you. For the majority of men I have spoken with over the last decade, one of the sweeter sounds for them is hearing their ladies laugh, which is made all the sweeter when it was them who made her laugh. “You cannot imagine how it makes me feel. I love to hear her laugh.” And as another Great Lover sagely observed, “When you can make your woman laugh, you are halfway to bed.”

116. Friends and Family Matter.

Create a special group of people with whom you can share in the pleasure and triumphs and joys of your relationship. Let’s face facts here: We humans are social creatures and we need more than just one person in our lives—even if you consider your partner your one-and-only, your lover, and your best friend all rolled into one. It’s just not possible for any one person to be all things to all people. Great Lovers know they also need an ongoing hammock of support to occasionally rest in, revel in, and share their relationship with, especially in the beginning phases of a relationship. By developing and nurturing a special group of people to whom you can turn, share with, and invite into your life and relationship, you empower your relationship with reciprocal hammocks of support. This is not about setting up a regular opinion poll and group of “yes men,” who will parrot what they think you want to hear. Rather, this is a comforting group of people who have a clear vision of friendship and honestly want to be there for you. Invite your friends and family to acknowledge and share in the pleasures and success of your relationship. This tip is so simple yet it’s so powerful. The one place we can get the most heartfelt support is our circle of family and close friends. It goes without saying that our families and friends want the best for us, but we often overlook them as positive support sources for our relationships. You know they want our little hearts to be happy, so turn to them for strength and support for your relationship.

117. Allow Your Partner to Take Credit for Stories, without Correction or Editing.

118. Spend Time Alone.

This means spending time with yourself only. Whether you enjoy reading, hiking, going to the movies, meditating, or simply hanging out at home twiddling your thumbs, alone time nourishes your soul and spirit. Face it, no matter how close we feel to those we love, as human beings someone’s presence always affects us. When we are by ourselves in a physical space, we relax in a way that is deep and profound. Such inner relaxation settles us, restores us, and energizes us. It’s often very difficult to find this private time—we all have many obligations—work, family, and keeping up with our household errands. However, you as a couple need to establish the premise that without the time to be good to your individual selves, you cannot be good to someone else. This way, you can alternate on taking care of the kids, for example, and when it’s your turn for private time, you don’t have to worry about hurting your partner’s feelings—he or she will understand and accept how important this is to you and your relationship.

119. Spend Time Alone, Together.

Just as an individual you benefit from alone time, so do you as a couple. Doing things as a family or with friends can be wonderful—stimulating, enjoyable, fun—but spending time alone, as a couple—allows the same degree of healing that alone time does for the individual. And I don’t mean you and your lover have to be doing anything of import or substance. One couple, Ted and Alice, use their time together to sit on the sofa across from each other with their feet touching, reading their favorites. Another couple, Liz and Michael, love to be outdoors, in their backyard: Liz enjoys feeding the birds and Michael enjoys puttering in the garden. So the next time you get a free weekend, without kids or without work to do, slow down and think of how you can completely relax with your lover.

120. Dine Together Often.

Just as you put aside time in your busy lives to spend time alone as a couple, create opportunities to eat together. There is something inherently nourishing and enriching when two people break bread together. Seated across from each other, or nestled side by side as they do in France, sharing a meal as lovers, immediately connects you with all your primal urges, sex being the operative one in this case. Think of it this way: Typically people don’t have sex with someone they wouldn’t eat with. This sex-food connection whets two appetites at the same time.

121. Is Your Lover One of Your Top Priorities?

A relationship will not last unless both of you make your relationship one of your top priorities. The lovers who show their partners that their connection is important, naturally make more time for their relationships—whether that is romantic evenings for just the two of you, getaways or vacations that give you the space to really relax into each other, or lazy mornings in bed where back-scratching leads to full-body contact. When you follow this rule, you will create a trickle-down effect throughout your relationship: When you and your partner keep your sexual energy stimulated, you will also have more energy, enthusiasm, and focus for all the other priorities in your life.

122. Reinvent Dinner.

Have you ever planned a dinner in the tub, in a grassy meadow, by a pond or lake, at the beach, or on your own bed? Don’t use utensils. Think of different ways you can present food. Here’s an idea that is a little over the top: a Japanese restaurant in Manchester, England, began serving food on women’s bodies. Just picture udon noodles over her breasts and sushi near the pelvic regions. The serving waitresses claimed it was part of a cultural experience. So next time you sit down to eat a meal, don’t restrict yourselves to plates on a table! Here are some suggestions:

• use satin sheets to cover the table

• eat only when you are fed

• eat naked or in other revealing attire

• go au naturel and eat without utensils

• follow the Manchester model and serve food on yourself

123. Plan Trips.

An essential ingredient in this tip is the idea of planning. Taking the time to do the research, making the arrangements, and ensuring that the idea of getting away actually happens is what matters most—after all, planning and anticipation go hand in hand, so each plan you make creates more anticipation of potential sex on the balcony of the hotel, in the empty gondola, or on a beautiful overlook spot in the mountains. The other essential ingredient never to be overlooked is what a vacation, whether it be two days or ten, does for you as a couple. When you travel, you are more able to leave your everyday cares and responsibilities behind—just temporarily. Whether a weekend of skiing, a drive to a bed and breakfast, a full-blown Caribbean resort getaway, or an outdoor adventure trip, it will bring the two of you closer, create a new environment for the two of you to explore together, and will create memories. And as one man I know says, “Hotel sex is the best!” so even if you can’t plan a long trip, just book a hotel room downtown and spend the night. The change of scene will add quite a spark to your week, and to your sex life.

124. Plan Outings.

What’s the difference between an outing and a trip? An outing is a day event—a small trip that you and your lover can do in an afternoon. But the idea again is the pleasure derived from getting away from home and enjoying an adventure together. An outing could be a trip to the dog park, shopping for appliances, a visit to a nearby museum, or, if you’re with the kids, a group BBQ with other families. An outing could entail anything—even a trip to the mall—that allows you and your lover some sense of leaving your cares behind for a while. Such departures have a rejuvenating effect and help balance the busyness of our daily lives, during which it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and distracted by our responsibilities.

125. Plan Sex!

You may think I needn’t mention this tip. You may think planning sex is either too obvious or too unnecessary. It’s neither. You may not be aware of this, but it’s true nonetheless: all of us tend to plan sex when we are first dating or getting together. Why? Because we want to make sure it happens. And even when a couple has been together a long time, involved in a committed relationship, you still need to plan sex. Why? To make sure it happens. The premise of this tip came from an interview I was doing with Men’s Health magazine. The topic was “how do we get back to the hot, spontaneous sex we used to have.” I asked the interviewer what he meant by spontaneous sex, and he said, sex that happens on “date nights, honeymoons, vacation, or during college.” My response was simple: “You plan it.” And he said, “No, come on. There has to be more.” I lifted my brow and said, “What was it about the types of sex you just described that was not planned? In organizing these ‘events’ you planned and expected Great Sex to happen.” The key when planning for sex: Do your mental homework. If you organize and plan for sex to happen, it will more than likely happen.

126. Take Care of Your Body.

This tip is different from the one about keeping clean. This tip is really about preventive medicine: The better you are at taking care of your body, the stronger your body will be, the more sexually stimulated you can become, the more you can resist the effects of aging, and the more energy you will have. I won’t list here all the ways you can take care of your health, but I will list a quick reminder of things to pay attention to:

• Diet—eat a well-balanced diet and make sure you include a lot of fruits and veggies, fiber, whole grains, and what I call clean protein. Be wary of processed foods and fatty meats.

• Exercise—how often you exercise is up to you. But try to do something regularly. The more often you exercise, the healthier you are. So be creative and find a form of exercise that suits you and that you enjoy doing. Even walking fifteen minutes a day will increase your lean body mass and decrease the amount of fat. It also makes you more fit and energized for sex.

• Meditation and yoga—relaxing the mind strengthens your ability to hold off illness. Meditation and yoga are known to strengthen your ability to relax, as well as boost your immune system. As a golfer, I can attest to yoga improving my drives and enhancing my flexibility. If activities such as yoga or meditation are too foreign to you, try some other stress-reduction technique.

• Adequate sleep—a general rule of thumb is eight hours of sleep. But ensuring that you sleep long enough for your body to refresh itself is sometimes hard to do. Turn off that TV, avoid caffeine after 3 P.M., and make your bedroom conducive to sleep.

• Moderate adult pleasures (i.e., alcohol, etc.)—a glass of wine or a mug of beer is certainly a wonderful antidote to a hectic day, week, or life. But consuming too much alcohol acts as a depressant, disrupts sleep, and can interfere with your life and relationship.

127. Encourage Your Lover to Take Care of His or Her Body.

Just as it is your responsibility to take care of yourself for the sake of those who love you, don’t you also want your loved one to take care of himself or herself as well? You want them to stick around. Your relationship depends on both of you being healthy. End of story. Let your partner know that you want him or her to get and stay healthy. I don’t mean badger your lover to go on a diet, nag him or her to join the local gym, or pester him or her to go to the doctor for a checkup. Instead, tell him (or her) that it means a lot to you that he takes care of himself. Encourage, support, and invite your lover to join you. As one woman informed her new beau, “I’ve waited a long time to find you, and your not taking care of yourself is simply not an option. You and this relationship are too important to me for you not to take care of yourself.”

128. Good Grooming.

What does it mean when a man says, “She takes good care of herself”? He usually is referring to the care in which she takes to present herself well. But this tip applies as equally to men as to women. Great Lovers take the time to keep themselves neat and tidy:

• Regular haircuts are important for men and women.

• Well-maintained and clean clothes and shoes are important. Gentlemen, if you only knew how many women notice your shoes.

• Cleaning nose and ear hairs (especially for you hirsute men out there).

• Clean and tidy nails—you know where they will be! Whether you like to have your manicure done at a salon or you do it at home, make sure you keep your nails neat and tidy. Both sexes need to pay attention to their nails: If either of you sees nibbled, dirty, or chipped nails, you will not want to imagine those hands on your body.

• Clean teeth regularly—at home and by the dentist. When away from home, keep a travel dental kit with you—in your carry-on, your purse, car, or your desk drawer. These are available at the grocery store.

• Clean breath—bad breath is usually a result of natural bacteria in our mouths acting on the leftover food particles. Brush your tongue and roof of your mouth, as they harbor lots of food residue. Mother was right: you need to brush after every meal. If you are eating something spicy, try to munch on the parsley decoration; parsley’s natural chlorophyll acts like a breath freshener. Where do you think Clorets got their name?

• Ladies, if you shave your pubic hair, be sure you are freshly shaved, as the stubble can cause abrasions on his shaft—similar to the way a man’s stubble feels rough against your skin. In this case, waxing pubic hair tends to be better as the hair that grows back is finer and softer.

• When cleaning a woman’s genitals, it’s best to use water and a very mild soap, as anything close to harsh can irritate and initiate a yeast infection.

• Keep your genitals clean. The sweat glands in our groins are similar to our auxilla (armpits) and secrete a thicker, more viscous sweat that reacts with the natural bacteria on our skin to create “our natural scent.” However, this natural scent can quickly turn into body odor if the area is not kept clean. Use the Rule of Mouth for maintaining the hygiene of your genitals: If you wouldn’t go there, why should someone else?

• Ladies, most men want to smell the clean, natural you—not some concoction pretending to be spring flowers. This goes for overly scented shampoo, as well.

129. Take Care of Your Emotional and Mental Health.

Let’s face it, we all have issues, we all come from dysfunctional families, we all have had our share of disappointment, hurts, and growing pains. But it’s our responsibility to take responsibility for whatever emotional scars we may have accrued, and rather than attempt to resolve them (some are unresolvable), learn to see how they impact our lives. When we can see our issues with clarity, they tend to become more manageable and acceptable. And when this happens, the problems also tend to diminish. Here are some suggestions for staying clear emotionally:

• keep a journal

• investigate personal growth books and seminars

• practice self-reflection through meditation

• have a solid friend whom you can use as a sounding board

• if you feel overwhelmed by certain issues, you may want to consult a professional

Our emotions are the gateways to our bodies, so if we are not feeling ourselves, or feel emotionally “off,” chances are we will feel sexually “off” as well. So be aware of the tight connection between your emotional health and your sexual health, and keep in touch with your feelings.

130. Remember to Speak Compliments Out Loud.

Are you aware that we have a natural tendency to keep our most complimentary and poignant thoughts about our lovers to ourselves? For a myriad of reasons, we seem to hold on to these wonderful pats on the back instead of sharing them with our lovers. Great Lovers do not hold back their best accolades and acknowledgments to their partners. My twin sister, Dede, related an epiphany she experienced in her own marriage when, as she and her husband were leaving a dinner party, Craig commented about a friend, “Carol is so great—she has spunk. She always says what is on her mind.” My sister asked, “Why do you think that is so special?” Craig responded, “Because she is so much like you.” Dede’s stunned “Huh?” response then prompted Craig to explain, “Carol has that same quality that I have always loved about you. But she’s only the warm-up act in comparison.” So the next time you think of how wonderful your lover is, tell your lover. Don’t be silent. Speak your compliments out loud. Great Lovers know how they feel means nothing until they deliver the message out loud to the objects of their fancy.

131. Gentlemen, Always Do What You Say You Are Going to Do.

This may well be one of the most important tips in this book. The Great Lovers of the male persuasion know their words mean nothing if they are not backed up by their actions. Whether that action is a phone call or a personal appearance, a man must always follow through on what he said he is going to do. If you say you’re going to be home “early,” then don’t show up at 8 P.M., after the kids are put to bed. If you promise to take the kids to the zoo on Saturday, then follow through—not only for the children’s sake, but for your wife’s sake, too as that might be her only alone time all week. For women, one of the more powerful lines in the sand is when a man does not do what he said he would do. When this occurs, she simply eliminates him—in round one—so to speak. Simply said, if you walk your talk, you get action; when you don’t, you don’t. As one man rather succinctly put it, “Men can’t remember anything they said, and women can’t forget anything a man said.” So it’s best to be guided by the truism: if you walk your talk, you get action; when you don’t, you don’t.

132. Seek Out the Solace of Physical Contact.

There is a reason why they have volunteers take preemie babies out of the isolation of incubators and hold them. We humans are meant to be in physical contact with one another, it keeps us healthy and grounded. So in the quest for sexual health, keep in physical contact with your partner. Now isn’t that a nice tidbit of permission? Be it next to you on the sofa, walking arm in arm, or placing your hand on his thigh while driving. This is more about connecting than PDA (Public Displays of Affection). You do not wish people to tell you to “get a hotel room.” However, you do want to learn how to enjoy the feel of your lover’s body and maintain a grounding connection with your lover’s body.

133. Ladies, Go into His Physical Space and Hug Your Man.

I realize this may sound so obvious, but many men have told me why it is such a powerful physical statement. First, from a cultural standpoint, women control the access to sex so they are used to having someone come into their physical space for intimacy, in other words, they are used to men making the first move or overture. However when you go into his space and hug him (and I am not talking about a safe, sweet, two-point shoulder hug; I am talking about a full-body breastsquishing hug), you are delivering a very powerful message to him as a man from you as a woman. And these are messages that as a woman you wouldn’t necessarily be aware of, such as, I want your body, I enjoy the feel of your body, I feel safe in your space. Ladies, this is a classic way to tell a man you want them. Samantha related what her man told her when they first were together, “Please hug me, just hug me. I have dreamt about you holding me.” That comment stayed with her and when she awoke their first morning together, he was on his side facing away from her. But rather than get up, she snuggled up behind him and curled her body behind his. His body sigh, while still asleep, told her this was a good thing. Initially she didn’t understand until I explained how important it was for a man to have his woman come into his space, to come to his body.

So this secret is about stoking the presex fires by giving him the very physical message that you are open to sex and wanting him. So any chance you get, approach him, take him in your arms, and press your body into his. In this way, you are entering his private space—also very doable in public—and showing others that you desire him. Men love other people to bear witness to your attraction for him! In a more private realm, you are also communicating that you desire him and relish his masculinity. And remember, no two-point shoulder hugs need apply; this is full-body contact.

134. Cuddle First Thing in the Morning.

This is a simple and straightforward tip. Just as I suggest holding hands or kissing before going to sleep at night, cuddle or make some other warm, embracing contact first thing in the morning. Such a simple gesture gives your partner (and yourself) wonderful, warm reassurance that all is right with the world. In other words, you are showing him or her how much you care about them.

135. Don’t Go Looking for Trouble.

Have you ever been around those people who always have some drama going on in their lives? Be guided by their misadventures. Instead of acting like a cop in the relationship and looking for what’s wrong or why things shouldn’t work out, adopt a different viewpoint and concentrate on what is working.

136. Buy Each Other Garments That Only the Two of You Will See.

I’m talking about undergarments—but if a sexy T-shirt or black leather belt is what whets your mutual appetite, then go for it. As always, it’s what works for you that matters. The idea behind this tip is to learn how to make that “let’s have sex later” connection with your lover. If he sees you wearing the scarlet scarf, he knows tonight he’s going to get some. If she sees you wearing the black turtleneck sweater she gave you last Christmas, then she knows you want to do her under the tree or on the nearest sofa. If he spots the gray, lace bustier peeking out from under your blouse, he is going to start to get hot. These are all ways you and your lover pass secret messages of “I want you” back and forth as a form of foreplay.

137. Give Your Partner Downtime Upon Returning Home After Work.

This tip may sound mundane, and to a certain degree it is because it involves a simple daily ritual that has nothing to do with sex. But then it has everything to do with sex. When either of you walks through the door at the end of a long day, all you want to do is relax—before doing anything. No matter how much you might love your partner or your kids, no matter how interested you are in what happened at school or the office that day, you want time to unwind and make the transition into the evening. Am I putting words into your mouth? Remember those scenes from movies of the 1950s when the husband arrived home, and his dutiful wife met him at the door with a cocktail and his slippers in hand? Well, I’m not suggesting you go that far. And I know only too well that it might be both of you who arrive home after a long day of working off the premises. But there is something in that bygone scenario that we often miss today: relax, unwind, meet each other face-to-face, and simply connect. You don’t need a glass of wine or a beer to do so (though either can come in handy at times), but you do need the intention to allow for that transition time. Don’t you want to be present when you’re home? Five minutes is all it takes. So between the two of you, work out a way that you both recognize signals the end of the work day and the beginning of your together time at home.

138. Don’t Keep a Running List of Who Did What to Whom.

139. Take Pleasure in the Little Things.

The joy of this tip comes from the many little things we can take pleasure in—daily. I call these little pleasure moments green lights for Great

Sex. It’s equally important to take the time to notice and appreciate these moments. The little things in life come from moments when you experience pleasure in how the rose bushes he planted last year scent the yard or the pride you feel when other women stare at your man walking through the door in the restaurant. Or the ease you feel when you watch the hummingbirds zip around the feeder while you wind down from your day. Great Lovers know it is the continual accumulation of events and history, the little things that give a relationship content and context, feeding life and breath into it. The pleasure you experience from even the smallest events—by yourself or together—helps to create a web of history that gives your relationship strength and longevity.