The Great Lover Playbook of Tips and Techniques

Great Lovers are familiar with a certain amount of knowledge of what to do—whether they perform those techniques with their tongues, their attitudes, their hands, or their most private of parts. Since Great Lovers have a twofold focus of pleasuring their partners and themselves, they make certain they explore all the potential avenues that can give them this pleasure. In this section, you will learn the best-ever tips and techniques to wow your lover in bed. You’re going to learn great tips for enhancing how you approach foreplay, as well as tips to keep in mind for oral, manual, and anal sex. I’ve even included a number of suggestions on how to deepen the spiritual side of sex for you and your partner. These tips came to me by way of my many clients and were tested by my dedicated research team. I know they work, but that doesn’t mean they have to work for you. Try the ones that inspire or pique your interest, and remember, always keep an open mind. You might never know what secret fantasies your lover has been harboring, and what sexual storm you may unleash if you happen upon just the one.

140. Ladies, Know What Turns Him On.

Knowledge is power. And in the case of sexual turn-ons, a little knowledge goes a long way. Let me cut to the chase: if you know that he loves when you let it slip at dinner that you’re wearing your pink, silk thong for him, what’s holding you back? If you know he goes crazy when you tell him what you’d like to do to him later, why not tease him a bit? Knowing what turns your partner on is a fast, sure way to keep excitement in your sex life. I’m a big proponent for learning the sexual cues that work best to get a lover hot and bothered. These cues don’t necessarily have to be visual—like clothes, or the lack of them. Some Great Lovers know that simply saying a line or two can make their lover head straight for the bedroom.

This kind of verbal cueing is all part of the subtle art of knowing what turns your partner on . . . and off. For Zoe and Richard, it’s all about hair. Zoe has long, wild, red hair that she usually blow-dries straight in order to keep it tame. But Richard loves when she wears it all loose and curly—he gets completely turned on, even though Zoe thinks she looks like a mess. “I love seeing her hair all wild like that,” Richard says. “I know that she prefers it straight, so whenever she leaves it natural, I know it’s a signal to me that tonight is going to be a good one!” (Zoe smiled knowingly as Richard said this, completely aware of the Rapunzel-like power of her hair over her guy.)

141. Great Lover Moment: “My Dear, I Would Really Like a Slice of Pie Tonight.”

Over the years, I’ve learned that Great Lovers are able to communicate their unspoken intimate requests in public. Though the “code-speak” each couple creates is very individual, it’s always fun and it’s always important to them as a couple. Timothy lets his lady know he wants to dine on her orally by stating what appears to be a request for pizza, “I really want a slice of pie tonight.” Of course, the woman knows it’s not pizza he’s interested in. In turn, she will tell him how she has a vicious craving for a certain dessert. Her request lets him know she wants to do him orally and swallow.

142. Gentlemen, Know What Turns Her On.

I’m usually loath to make vast generalizations, but sometimes I feel they are necessary and helpful. In this case, gentlemen, I want you to know that turning your lady on has much more to do with getting her relaxed than any move you’re going to make. So how do you relax her? Well, that is up to how your particular lover can unwind and get into the mental, emotional, and physical state to be open to sex. Does she like a hot bath? Lots of cuddling? A romantic dinner during which you pay close attention to her? If you don’t immediately know the answer to this question, then you need to do some investigative research. Here’s how:

Step One: Ask her. She may have the answer at her fingertips, or your fingertips, for that matter.

Step Two: Try three options and see how she responds:

• draw her a bubble bath

• create private time for her, corral the kids for half an hour

• light candles in the bedroom or the bathroom or the living room

• hand her a glass of wine or her beverage of choice

• offer to give her a massage

• combine any of the above

Step Three: If she does not respond to any of the options described above, then you need to do some more field research in which you make suggestions.

Once a woman is relaxed and interested—on all levels—then turning her on sexually is usually a matter of course. Here are a few more tips on how to move her from relaxed to aroused:

• linger in the pleasures of foreplay (see Tips #152-161 for more specifics)

• touch her everywhere but her genitals

• treat her to the sensations of your tongue

143. Gentlemen, Know What Turns Her Off.

Great Lovers also know that it’s just as important to know what turns their partners off sexually. Why? Not to state the obvious, but to avoid turning them off, of course! Now I know that sounds like common sense—why would anyone knowingly try to turn off his or her partner? You may be surprised to discover that many men have told me that even though they know something (like nipple pinching) turns women off, they continue to do it. Perhaps they are not completely conscious (akin to being half asleep) that they are doing this, or they are programmed visually from other sources that this move works. However, gentlemen, if you want to be a Great Lover, and have the best sex of your life, there is no place for such indirect, unthinking practices. You need to find out what your lover dislikes and consciously avoid those things. Sabine said that her ex-boyfriend Sam used to have this annoying habit of wearing sweaters when they went out. Why was this annoying? Because Sabine had told him again and again how sexy he looked in button-down shirts. She found it very arousing to see his chest hair peeking out over the top of his button. Why would Sam have continued to wear something that had the effect of turning off his girlfriend? Who knows? But for Sabine, the message was clear: “He was being rather dense. He wouldn’t connect the dots—if he wore a tailored shirt that made him look so handsome, I was surely going to be more in the mood for sex!” It’s up to you to take care of your feelings (whatever their source) directly, and use your knowledge about your partner constructively, playfully, and in the spirit of making the relationship thrive and sizzle—not falter and fizz out.

One couple was able to come to a compromise. Jeff knew his girlfriend, Michelle, hated the way he smelled the day after a night of drinking scotch with his buddies. She refused to go near him and even made him sleep on the couch at times. Jeff didn’t want to give up those evenings, but he also didn’t want to turn Michelle off, so he did the next best thing—he switched to vodka, which is odorless. As Michelle remarked, “He may smell a bit medicinal, but it’s a far cry from sour scotch.” Bottom line: the more you know about what turns your partner on, the hotter your sex life will be. In this case, knowledge is an aphrodisiac.

144. Gentlemen, Get Connected.

What’s the biggest turn-on for most women? Years and years of listening to women speak about what really turns them on has yielded a winning response: connectedness. So, gentlemen, the next time you really want to have sex, and really want to turn on your partner, then you need to focus on how to make her feel connected to you. Sometimes all it takes is that uplifted glance you give her. One couple shared with me that he touches his lips to the side of his hand to bid her a morning adieu at the door. Regardless of how frantic your day gets, a Great Lover always takes your call with a greeting of “Hello, Darling” in that special voice reserved just for your lover. Now, this is not a one-shot deal. And it does require that you already know your partner—emotionally, mentally, and physically. But assuming you’ve done your Great Lover homework already (and there are plenty of tips herewith that can serve as CliffsNotes!), you are ready to roll and keep on rolling.

145. Gentlemen, Love Her Body.

If you are already connected, you now need to tap into her next biggest turn-on: Show her that you love her body. How do you do so? Well, start verbally. Women are verbal creatures. They like to talk, they enjoy language. If a man tells a woman that he loves her body—either one of its parts or its wondrous whole—her libido is instantly piqued! Once you have her attention in a positive fashion, then begin to show her how you feel about her body. Let your hands and fingers caress every part of her, trying to retain eye contact as you roam. And if she hasn’t already mounted you, likely she will soon.

146. Great Lover Moment: The Truth Is in the Photos.

I read an article years ago by a therapist about what is revealed in a photograph of a couple. If a couple is comfortable in each other’s presence, it is captured in photos. You will see an ease in how their bodies touch and relate, like an unspoken confirmation of their physical connection. Looking at photos of couples—famous or not—in the tabloids becomes quite an interesting event. The proof of a couple’s connection is always in the picture.

147. Gentlemen, Stay Connected During the Day.

This tip is about laying the groundwork for one of the main ways women get turned on sexually: by feeling connected to their lover. This connected feeling is not, however, like a faucet that you turn on and off when needed. Instead, it’s about a continual attitude and behavior in which you let your lover feel your connection to her. Here are a few simple tips to keep her feeling connected throughout the day:

• call her at work or home and ask her to meet you in a nearby park for a midday walk

• start her day by making her a latte while she is in the shower

• send frequent and funny e-mails that only the two of you will understand and appreciate

• send her a stuffed animal or flowers, “just because”

• bring home her favorite take-out

The key here is communicating to her that you’ve been thinking about her and your relationship; the result will be her feeling more trusting of your connection now and more interested in sharing her body with you later.

148. Ladies, Know What Turns Him Off.

I am going to go out on a limb and say there are two things that men have shared with me that are invariably blanket turn-offs for them. 1) Women who let themselves go, who no longer care about what they look like and 2) Angry women. Just as there are women out there with idiosyncrasies, there are men with idiosyncrasies. My point is that there are far fewer things you can do that will completely turn off your man (women are much more picky) if you are approaching him in a spirit that lets him know you want him sexually, you need him sexually, and you are going to have him sexually.

149. What Are Your Three Hot Buttons?

On a regular basis, share with each other a list of the top three areas of your body you like having attended. Do you like to be stroked up and down your arms? Do you like to be gently nuzzled on the back of your neck? Do you like it when he or she uses his or her tongue on the inside of your legs? Tell him. Tell her. Tell each other. The mere telling gives you more access, and the remembered actions, when revisited, will have even more impact. Some couples even use Band-Aids to mark what areas they want attended. And keep this in mind: Our hot spots tend to change, like the weather. So keep asking and keep sharing.

150. Create Your Own Love-Life Response Sheet.

You movie fans may get this tip more quickly than others. Have you ever been to a movie and received a performance review sheet to fill out after you’ve seen the film, asking you your responses on certain aspects of the film? Here is the way you can put together your own love-life response sheet. Start by doing a five or ten minute exercise in which you and your partner—outside your bedroom—individually write down what turns you on and off sexually. Then share your responses—you may be completely surprised, amazed, and even amused. Tell each other the things your lover does that turn you on. Is it the way his or her skin still feels moist just out of the shower? Do you go wild when he uses the shower head on you? Or when she gently rubs your sore neck in the car on the way home? Are there specific techniques or types of foreplay you respond to? Again, the more the two of you know about the other, the more you can do for each other.

151. Show-and-Tell for Grown-Ups.

Share with your partner specific areas of his or her body that turn you on. This tip requires you to point directly to an area and make contact. What is it about him that turns you on: Is it the hair on his arms? The curl of his eyelashes? How his wrists look in French cuffs? Ladies, show him. Touch him. Let him know what turns you on. What is it about her that turns you on? Is it the dimples on the crest of her buttocks? The way the side of her face catches the sunlight? Is it the way she rests her head on her hand when she eats cereal in the morning? It’s show-and-tell for grown-ups.

152. Linger in the Pleasures of Foreplay.

As you know, 90 percent of foreplay happens outside of the bedroom. You also probably know that the more comfortable couples become with each other, the more they tend to “cut to the chase” and get right down to having sex. But if you’ll remember, when you first met, most of that passion that energized the two of you came from the long buildup before sex actually happened. We take our time in foreplay at the beginning of a relationship because we are not as sure about the outcome; so naturally, we work a little harder at making sure our partner is aroused before we take the plunge. The next nine tips are specific suggestions you can use to whet your lover’s appetite for sex. These have passed the no-fail zone of my research team because they are a careful blend of strategy and sizzle. And remember, ladies and gentlemen, that the longer lovers linger in the pleasures of foreplay, the more luscious the results of the sexual encounter.

153. Window Dressing for Undressing—for Him

Ladies, this tip will have him undressing in the foyer: Leave a specific garment in a strategic place for your partner to find. You know what your man likes, so choose a piece from your closet or your favorite dresser drawer and plant it in a special place so that only he sees it. Be selective both in what you choose and where you place it. First, he needs to understand in one nanosecond what the garment means: You want to have sex with him soon. And secondly, choose a strategic location that is in his line of sight (preferably when he walks into the house, the bedroom, or even his closet), and not visible to any children who may be clamoring for his attention. As you know by now, should a piece of lingerie be your selection, some men like lace and frills; others like black, slinky, silky garments; others like lingerie that is made of leather—even rubber; and still others prefer plain, white, cotton panties.

154. Red Light, Green Light—for Her.

Gentlemen, women need to relax. Have you heard that before? You can’t be reminded of this powerful fact enough: If a woman isn’t relaxed enough, she’s not going to be as open to being turned on and into sex. So knowing your lady as you do, give her a sign that does two things at once: 1) relaxes her and 2) tells her you want to have sex with her tonight. Here are some suggestions:

• Leave her a note on the refrigerator telling her to open the freezer. What will she find? Two martini glasses chilling—just enough to give her the signal.

• Once the kids are in bed, make a fire and put out two cups of hot tea or glasses of dessert wine. Choose whatever beverage you know will go straight to her head, and then her body.

• Choose her favorite sexual toy (her Rabbit Pearl Vibrator? Her Hitachi Magic Wand? Her Sleeves?) and put it under her pillow. When she goes to lie down, she’ll know what is on your mind . . .

• Make an exception and turn on the TV in the bedroom: but to watch a sexy video together. Make sure it is something that will turn her on—not off. Again, this tip will work best if you know the kids are already asleep. There’s a great resource list at the back of the book with sexy titles from which to choose.

155. The Sock Drawer—for Him.

I can remember to this day the scent of my father’s top drawer—clean, fresh, and manly. It was his place. That didn’t mean I wasn’t interested in sneaking around in it, which I did with regularity. Most men have a particular fondness for their sock drawer, and as it is one of the few places they access every morning, this tip is a sure winner. As suggested by a number of ladies from the seminars, take advantage of this male sock-drawer bond and place a very suggestive note describing what you would like to do to him that evening or later that weekend. You already know what really rocks his world: So if you describe that act or scenario in ink on a small piece of paper that he finds as he dresses in the morning, do you think anything else will get his attention for the rest of the day? I doubt it. He’ll never see his sock drawer the same way again.

156. A Call That Says a Thousand Words—for Her.

Gentlemen, call her and describe how you want to pleasure her later that evening. Whether or not she works in an office or at home, you are bound to arouse her when she hears: “I want you, I need you.” Even if she is reviewing accounting charts, her body will register your need, and she will start her own slow burn. Here are a few samples that have worked for some of my research team:

• “Honey, where’d you put the ____? I’d love to decorate ____ with it tonight.”

• “I can’t get the image of you doing ___ out of my head and I’m fantasizing about you f___ me on the balcony.”

• “I just want to bend you over the kitchen table.”

But remember, she needs to already be relaxed. Such direct declarations may be met with a “F___ off !” if you don’t adequately set the stage.

157. Anatomy Lesson—for Her

Gentlemen, give your favorite part of her anatomy a name, and then leave a message for that name on the machine at home or cell. When your lover hears a message, such as, “Hello, I am trying to get in touch with Gina,” only she will know to what you are referring, and you will know for certain she got the “message.”

158. Playing with the Mannequin—for Him or Her.

While the two of you are dressing in the morning, ask your lover to wear an item of clothing you want to remove later. Is it his cute boxers? Or is it her black, mesh bra? Her stockings and garter? Maybe the clothing item is more demure—such as the white T-shirt he wears under his dress shirt or the silk scarf he gave her for her birthday. This tip works at the subliminal level: All day long, your lover will be thinking about you disrobing him or her that night starting with that item.

159. Spectator Sports for Two.

Stand in the doorway, watch your partner undress, and let him or her know you are enjoying the view. How do you let your lover know she or he is turning you on? You have two simple choices:

• tell your lover: Say it with words

• show your lover: Say it with action by touching yourself

160. Dance Together.

Have you ever witnessed a couple dancing cheek to cheek, leg to leg, their movements syncopated and their eyes locked on each others’? Dancing is fantastic foreplay. I am talking about dances such as the tango, the waltz, the rumba, or the fox trot—the dances that require some skill and a lot of heart. Such dances bring lovers together, often mimicking some of the give and take that happens during sex. If you and your partner don’t know these dances, take some lessons, or just put on some sexy music and slow dance around the living room. The mixture of music, body contact, and latent desire create a great preview to sex.

161. Flirt at a Party and Leave Early.

Here’s the scenario: You and your lover are at a friend’s party. You split up, each going to one side of the room to mingle. Then you watch each other across the room as though you had just met. Linger in your eye contact. Let each other know you are thinking of the other—maybe give him or her a signal that only the two of you know. While you are talking with someone else, smile, and then let your gaze follow your lover’s body—up and down. When you walk by each other, lightly touch his behind or her neck. Then when you’re hot and ready, go up to your lover and whisper in his or her ear, “We need to leave, now.” Your arrival home will no doubt be silent but deadly.

162. Learn How to Praise Specific Techniques.

If you love the way he kisses your neck; if you love the way she licks your scrotum while giving you oral sex, then make sure you communicate this praise. It can be as simple as a few words, and these words will go a long way to getting more of where that came from. Aaron found out the truth of this tip after he told his girlfriend, “I am powerless over that thing you do with your tongue.” That’s all she needed to hear: She now regularly sends him to the clouds while giving him oral sex.

163. Learn How to Critique Specific Techniques without Being Hurtful.

On the other hand, if you don’t like the way your lover is doing something, then it’s up to you to tell him or her. Does he scratch your back when you’re on top of him? Is she too firm in her grip while she gives you oral sex? Does he push too hard during intercourse? These are all common enough complaints I hear in sex seminars, and they are quite easy to fix. But, again, it’s up to you to tell your partner that X, Y, and Z don’t work as well for you as A, B, or C. So when you do speak up, make sure you deliver the message gently and respectfully with options for what you would prefer. That way you get what you want and they get guidance. In other words, avoid criticizing the person and focus on how the person’s actions make you feel. That way, your lover can hear what you’re saying, change his or her behavior and not feel insulted.

164. Fasting Leads to Sexual Feasting.

Well, okay, you shouldn’t take this piece of advice absolutely literally, but hear me out. As one gourmet chef related to me, “I used to prepare a seduction meal with a minimum of three courses and matching wines. But when we would arrive in the bedroom, we would feel too full to enjoy the lovemaking.” Now what does this estimable chef propose? If you think you will be making love right after dining, eat only two appetizers and not a full entrée if you want to be on top of your sexual game.

165. Garner Sexual Inspiration from Any Source.

I don’t care if it is the erect crispness of the celery crudites or the tawny texture of the hummus dip, Great Lovers learn how to get sexual inspiration from just about any source—from food to exercise machines. As one woman told me, “If I want to get my motor running, it doesn’t take me long to get out of the vertical thinking of work mode and into the horizontal thinking of sex mode. And food tends to be an easy way to make this switch—I mean, have you ever walked by a bakery early in the morning and seen the smooth-coated doughnuts? All I can imagine is eating that off of my husband’s body.” A man told me he gets sexual inspiration for giving his girlfriend oral sex by watching the luscious lips of the female news commentator when he works out on the treadmill at 7 A.M. So here’s my advice: Keep your eyes, ears, hands, nose, and mouth open to all stimuli that may become a source of inspiration for your next sexual encounter.

166. Maintain the Heat of Intimacy Regardless of How Many Miles Apart You May Be.

There is heat to be generated in the adage “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” And chances are, you can find plenty of mileage in verbal and written seduction as well. One long-distance lover stated, “We are apart two weeks a month so we do phone better than any 900 number.” Given the vagaries of today’s working world, two-career couples are often pulled apart by work commitments. There are two behaviors that Great Lovers who maintain heat while apart practice. 1) They find a way to always be in contact. “Even though we have a nine-hour time difference, we speak once or twice a day. Yes, it takes planning and organizing, but it is the one thing we both look forward to in our day.” Which leads me to point 2) In those regular contact calls and e-mails, they share, talk, and plan more regularly: They share about their daily lives; they talk about their relationship; and they plan their next romantic and/or sexual encounter. They keep the juices going because they keep the juices flowing. Instead of getting on the phone and asking what each other had for lunch, you have to make the most of what little, precious time you have to make your connection as tangible and vital as possible. All of this active communication enlivens their intimacy and creates wonderful anticipation of being together. Great Lovers are always creating their own daily history together.

167. Make It a Point to Find Out How Your Lover Likes to Be Kissed.

I cannot begin to count the number of people who have told me they knew their lover was going to be great in bed by the way he or she kissed. I also can’t begin to count the number of people not being kissed in the way they prefer. Unless you share what works for you, you can’t expect your partner to know what works for you. No one is a sexual psychic, and we all need direction in the form of sound or physical assistance. Here are some tips:

• Step A—start by kissing your partner the way you love to be kissed. You can do this on any area of the body you prefer. Some lovers prefer soft and wet, some a firmer presentation.

• Step B—stop in midkiss, wherever that may be, and tell your lover how much you love kissing. You might say, for example, “I get so hard/wet whenever I am doing this,” or simply “I just love the way this feels.”

• Step C—then say, “Hey, will you show me what it feels like to be kissed by me?”

• Step D—follow desired kiss with reinforcement: “Oh, do more of that.”

Repeat steps A-C as needed.

168. Never Stop Kissing.

Does this tip need any explaining? Kissing is the first and last way a couple connects. If you stop kissing, you stop connecting. You put up a huge wall between you and your lover. If you’re still kissing passionately, then you probably won’t understand why anyone would willingly stop kissing. This tip isn’t for you. Or it isn’t for you now, anyway. This tip is for all you lovers who get lazy and stop this passionate, simple way of communing with your lover. In some relationships, kissing is very important in the beginning, but as they settle into a routine or life together, the kissing stops and with it a lot of the passion. Why do they stop? Usually there is an unconscious connection between kissing and seduction, and some people, once comfortable in a relationship, become complacent and less motivated to seduce their partner. Great Lovers do not take kissing for granted, regardless of how long they have been together. They are aware of its potency, knowing that kissing is not only some of the best foreplay around, but also a hugely pleasurable act in its own right. Here’s are a few simple tips to keep kissing:

• think of every sexual encounter as a seduction

• begin each seduction with a kiss

• make that kiss linger: move from loving, closed-mouthed kissing to more erotic, open-mouthed kissing

• experiment with different types of kissing: Eskimo (nose to nose), Lip-Sucking (gently take your lover’s lower lip into your mouth and suck it—gently), Tongue-Sucking (gently suck on your lover’s tongue), and of course, French or Soul Kissing (this kiss got its name because anything of a sexual and/or open nature was historically attributed to the French, but of course most nations partake)

• keep kissing during sex

• always kiss when leaving the bed, even if it is just for a minute

169. Ladies, Use His Body for Your Sexual Pleasure, Again and Again.

A man wants you to use him. I’m not talking about using and abusing him, but about using his body to create your own pleasure. You not only satisfy a deep well of his masculinity, but you also tap into how men become most excited and aroused: by seeing you excited and aroused. And what better way to accomplish both than by enjoying the body that turns you on! Countless men have shared that they literally tell their lovers, “This is for you, baby!”, “I’m all yours!”, “Do with me as you will!” Men have said that when their partners “use their bodies,” “There is no bigger turn-on. I get hard just thinking about it.” Translation: In the same way that men get turned on when you initiate, they will also get turned on when they see you more involved, engaged, and absorbed in sex. When men offer women their bodies, they are not offering just anything; they are offering the physical essence of their masculinity: their erections. Use his erection to pleasure yourself by taking the tip and rubbing it against your clitoris—or in whatever way gets you off. As one gentleman explained, “Before my girlfriend understood that I was asking her to do herself on me, she would always hold back. But then I made it clear that I wanted her to do it—not so I could get off—but so she could. It was like an entire door opened for us as a couple. It’s no longer about taking turns pleasing each other; we are both pleasing each other at the same time. Our sex life went to a whole other level.” As you begin to explore his body for your pleasure, try to let him know that his penis is a magical thing. In doing so, you are complimenting the heart and soul of his masculinity.

170. Set the Scene in Your Brain, and Then Create the Opportunity.

This guideline is mainly for those who feel intimacy should just happen, presenting itself out of a clear blue sky. Au contraire my dears, make your imagination your ally—be it about what you have done or want to do. Unleash your mind and let it become your stepping-stone for creating opportunities. And the beauty of being director, producer, and cast of your own sexual scenario is that it gives you phenomenal license. As Great Lovers, you no doubt already know that the majority of “opportunities” have a large, planned component to them. Here are some suggestions:

• Pack a picnic lunch and hide your favorite toys underneath the wine and cheese.

• Send the kids off to a relative or a neighbor’s and transform your bedroom into a boudoir—red lightbulbs in the lamps, low music, candles, and, of course, the requisite velvet sashes with which to tie each other up.

• Have you ever imagined sex in a harness? There’s a sexual enhancing product that will give you a truly weightless experience. This is a modified bungee-jumping harness, called Bungee Sex (Awarded “Best Invention of the Americas” at the 1999 INPEX—Invention New Product Exposition), made up of a bungee harness and a series of straps that you hang from a stud beam in the ceiling. Check out the resource section at the back of the book for further details.

171. Learn How to Transform a Quiet Evening in Front of the TV into One That Is Not So Quiet.

Step 1: The first step here is not sitting apart; instead, join each other on the same settee, chaise, or sofa.

Step 2: Play a DVD or video that sets the stage you want to attain. For example, try Shakespeare in Love and find the bed scene. Surprisingly enough, horror films are a hit because they heighten senses and make women leap onto their male companions. This woman-leaping-onto-men result makes me think it is only a little too obvious that horror films have to be a male-inspired film production.

Step 3: Cover yourselves with a throw or duvet to get warm. Then once you have created enough heat, remove an article of clothing to “get comfortable.” Also, covers do what covers do best: cover so others can’t see.

Step 4: Continue as you see fit. . . .

172. Initiate Sex.

Don’t rely on your partner to get things started. Men want to be with women who initiate sex, just as women want to be with men who initiate. It takes two to tango. When you initiate sex, it shows him that sex with him is a priority in your relationship. It also shows him that you relish sex for sex’s sake. Countless men have reported how turned on they become when their wives, girlfriends, or lovers make the first move. Why? Because men find this show of power sexy; it appeals to their innate desire to be taken care of, but with the added thrill of being sexually taken care of. They get totally turned on by the simple fact that you want them sexually.

173. Make Any Venue a Place for a Sexual Encounter.

Above all, don’t restrict yourself to the bed or the bedroom. Almost every male client I have had at one time or another will reveal a treasured story from his past about a woman who completely surprised him with sex in an unexpected place. These stories become their favorite memories, and why? Because men love the combination of two things: a sense of adventure, and when their women are spontaneously overcome with erotic passion! One gentleman fondly recalled the time his wife gave him spur-of-the-moment oral sex while in the parking garage of the symphony while the other concert-goers traipsed by. Another told about a long-ago girlfriend who spread her legs open while sitting up on his kitchen counter, offering him a bite to eat. As one couple shared in a seminar, “When our kids are home and not yet asleep, we love doing it in the bathroom with the shower running. It adds an aura of danger and of getting caught—like we are still teenagers. It’s so exciting!” So don’t overlook countertops, stairwells, or the balcony of a hotel room. Or try the inside of a walk-in closet, but don’t forget to cushion the floor with laundry—after all, you and your lover will be adding to the pile. Again, it’s your attitude of exploration that is the key to pumping up the volume of your sexual encounters and making some steamy new memories of your own.

174. Ladies, Rather Than Rush to Clean Up after Sex, Whet Your Man’s Primal Power and Leave Some of Him Inside of You.

This is another of those, if-men-hadn’t-told-me-I-wouldn’t-know secrets. There is something very primal about a man sharing his “seed,” his most-male fluid with you, and for him to know it still resides in you touches and connects him to you as few things can. As one man said, “Every time I am with her, and I know this may not be politically correct, I love knowing that for the next day while she is out in the world, I am still there with her as she still has some of me inside her.” And there is a pure physiological reason to maintain him inside of you and not break the spell of sexual connection: the bonding hormone that gets released during sex and orgasm—oxytocin. This would be Mother Nature’s way of strengthening your relationship. Some women rush out of bed and into the bathroom right after sex—mostly because we live in a “neatnik” culture that has created a negative association with our bodily fluids. These fluids are the source of life—how could they be negative in any way? Furthermore, not only does such rushing away from your lover break the intimacy of the moment, putting a cold distance between you, you also unwittingly signal to your lover that you feel unclean. If you knew how many men in my seminars have reported how wonderful they feel when their lady lets that part of him nestle inside of her, you may think twice. As one man said, “It makes me feel that we are one.” So unless you are using a condom, let him linger inside of you.

175. Gentlemen, Move the Target on Her Pleasure.

Women say there is tremendous seductive power in surprising your lady sexually. This is especially true as you try to enchant and arouse her. So, gentlemen, you must change your approach to targeting her sexual pleasure. As a golfer I know that you continually change clubs, adjust your grip and finesse your strokes; you need to do the same with sex. If you know that she loves oral sex, and you tend to head for this target, make her wait by spending time north of the border. This is not about teasing her mercilessly or not giving her what she wants; rather, it’s about expanding the sphere of pleasure. Even though you know X, Y, and Z work, add A, B, and C to up the ante on the sexual repertoire.

• If she likes you to manually pleasure her, using your fingers, surprise her with the Shaft Sleeves to create a different stimulation—inside and outside of her.

• If she is expecting to make love in the male-superior position, ask her to sit on top of you so that you can look at her. Then ask her to lower her breasts onto you so you can gently suck on them.

• If you know she’s game, surprise her in bed by tying her wrists with silk ribbons to the bedposts; then give her oral sex.

The idea behind this tip, gentlemen, is to get her attention by sexually surprising her.

176. Expand Your Sexual Library.

Go to your local bookstore (or shop on-line) and peruse the latest selection of sex books and then choose your favorites to purchase. Then, when you are in the comfort of your own home, sit on opposite ends of the sofa or across from each other on your bed, being sure to have at least one body part in contact at all times, toe on toe, foot on leg, shoulder to shoulder. With two different colored highlighters in hand, highlight the intercourse positions, oral or manual techniques, or toys you want to try, and have your partner do the same in a different color. Then trade. Plan sexual encounters in which you each decide to try one of your lover’s preferred, highlighted positions, techniques, or toys.

177. Don’t Worry about Making a Mess.

I mean, let’s be serious, sex is moist, hot, wet, and messy. Sex is not supposed to be neat and tidy. Why do you think the line of products called Bed Head even has a market? The inference is you have that “freshly-f ___d” look. Indeed, the messier and sweatier you and your lover become, often the better the sex. Both are a reflection of your being into it. So just let go: of worrying how your thighs look (he’s not looking—I swear), of worrying about ruining the sheets (that is what laundry is for), or worrying that you’ll break something (go ahead and break something . . . he’ll love it!). This secret is about remembering to stay in the moment—sex sizzles not because you look good, but because you are able to get totally into what you are doing!

178. Develop Different Styles of Lovemaking.

Just as you have different appetites for different foods, so Great Lovers have a range of different lovemaking styles. Imagine your most ideal and favorite meal, now think about if you had to go out and eat that same meal three times a day, thirty days in a row. You would be weeping for something different by the end of that month. The same applies to our lovemaking, as even the best ideas are only best because they bring in a variety and spice that isn’t always there. The following eleven tips explore the range of possible lovemaking styles.

179. Hide-and-Seek Sex.

Find one another in the dark, be it inside or outside you need to use all of your senses and especially your hands. Possible scenarios include what a golf pro and his bride did on their wedding night, played nude hide-and-seek on his golf course, it took three holes for him to find her . . . turn off all the lights in your house, undress in the same room, then one counts to thirty while the other hides. Music is helpful to mask sounds as you then proceed as desired, and no fair peeking at the motion detectors.

180. Silence Is Golden.

There is something so very hot about having to be totally quiet about sex, be it in unfamiliar surroundings, or when others are around. One woman related a ski week in Utah during which she and her boyfriend were sharing their bachelor timeshare with another couple. Knowing the other couple was mere feet away heightened their awareness of every touch, every slow move, every tight thrust, and made them very aware of their own sounds. The end result being they paid more audio attention to one another afterward to great benefit.

181. Blindfolded Sex.

Have you ever had sex blindfolded? This can work with either or both of you wearing blindfolds. A scarf, bandanna, or any piece of soft cloth will do. With one of you temporarily blinded, you will more than likely feel what your lover is doing to you that much more intensely.

182. The Pleasures of Comfort Sex.

In the same way that we all have comfort foods we turn to when we are in need of succor, most of us have a particular form of comfort sex. Great Lovers are great not because of their serendipitous moves, but because they know the value of deep, connecting sex that comes with our most comfortable routines. In my seminars, couples attest such comfort sex to be some of the most emotionally profound and fulfilling. As one woman explained, “Raymond and I have tried just about everything. But I can assure you there is nothing that keeps us closer than our standard sex. We know this horizontal dance, and like dancers who float around a dance floor, we know each other here better than anywhere.”

183. Investigate Baby-Making Sex

Now even if pregnancy is not the immediate goal, you might find a hotter heat if you consider that each time you have sex, you have the possibility of creating a new life. For those of you who are interested in expanding your family, you know the fun of “practice makes perfect.” I remember a study that showed one of the most erotic things for some women about making love with their partner was the possibility of being impregnated. Should you be in the practicing mode, all of these positions are ergonomically designed for the ultimate consummation while giving you position options. They are set for: maximum penetration by the man with the woman’s pelvis at a tilt so that the sperm are deposited as deeply as possible into the vaginal vault and as closely as possible to the cervix for ease of entry into the uterus. This also ensures that the man’s seminal fluid remains inside, while at the same time, the woman is in a comfortable position to remain in post-coital glow for at least five minutes afterward, thereby enhancing your chances of conception. Position #1 has the most pronounced hip tilt, position #2 has the man at a slight angle over her body so that during the extended afterglow connection, she doesn’t feel squished. Note the pillow under her hips to maintain the pelvic tilt so the semen doesn’t run out. And in position #3 the deepness of penetration and her position both contribute to enhancing conception.

Ill. 1 Position 1

Ill. 2 Position 2

Ill. 3 Position 3

184. More Tips on Baby-Making Sex.

Here are some more tips to increase your baby-making chances:

• Linger over foreplay. The hotter you are, the more aroused the woman will become, which means that she can make her vagina more alkaline, and thereby more receptive to sperm.

• Her orgasm helps to move the sperm further into the cervix and deeper into the uterus for fertilization. This has to do with the involuntary muscle contractions that occur during a female orgasm or that follow shortly after.

• During post-coital glow, stay cuddled in a warm, body embrace. Such heat will just make the special potential of the moment simply last longer.

185. The Heat of “Pregnancy” Sex.

Many women have shared in my sexuality seminars that pregnancy sex was some of their best sex. Why? Because of the increased volume of blood (vasocongestion) in their pelvises due to the pregnancy. These women found it much easier to orgasm. Since orgasms are powered by blood and oxygen, the more, the merrier. As one woman stated, “I would give my eyeteeth to have the ease of pregnancy orgasms back.” Some women also believe that because they were not at all worried about getting pregnant, they relaxed more deeply and therefore felt sexual sensations more deeply. In general, unless there are medical reasons not to engage in sexual relations, there is no reason not to. Once you get around the obstacle course of your belly and find comfortable positions for you and your partner, then you might be surprised to discover how deeply satisfying sex can be while pregnant—that is, of course, if you’re not completely swooning with fatigue. Illustrations 4-10 give you a range of possibilities to choose from throughout your pregnancy.

For the first trimester, the main factors that impact desire are being bone-weary tired and nausea, so the comfort styles of sex as shown in Illustrations 4 and 5 may be your preference.

Ill. 4

Ill. 5

As you enter your second trimester, you get your energy back and nausea abates and you have yet to have your growing tummy inhibit the majority of your moves. Illustrations 6-8 present some mid-pregnancy options. In illustration number 6, the woman can control the depth of penetration and motion very easily using the strength of her legs. Figures number 7 and 8 show the more relaxing-into-sensation positions. For all three of the mid-pregnancy positions, the woman or the man can manually stimulate the woman’s clitoris if that is preferred. Position number 8 works very well for those ladies who know one side of their vaginal vault is more sensitive than the other, and still allows the man an ability to experience firm, penetrative strokes for his pleasure. And as any woman knows, having your man in just the right place creating pleasure is a function of location, location, location.

Ill. 6

Ill. 7

Ill. 8

When you enter your final (third) trimester, your options narrow as your tummy widens; yet this in no way takes away from your ability to enjoy great sex. Illustration number 9 gives the woman the control factor while maintaining motion control when holding the headboard. Men who can’t get enough of their pregnant wives’ bodies have said they loved this position as they can watch all parts of her body move, especially her swollen breasts, knowing that because she is on top, she is doing everything for herself. Illustration number 10 shows how a woman can relax into the sensation while supporting her tummy and still engage in a preferred position.

Ill. 9

Ill. 10

186. Explore Middle-of-the-Night Sex.

Some couples who engage in this occasional style of sex claim its affirming value is the core nature of the act. For some it is a slow, gentle penetration from behind. Others move from spooning into a side-by-side penetration (see illustration number 11), with him creating their private style of stolen lovemaking, accessing her body as she balances on the edges of sleep. Of course, middle-of-the-night sex can be initiated by either the man or the woman. She may try waking the man up by sucking on him or moving on top of him, gently rocking back and forth to awaken his penis. Before attempting such sexual larceny, however, you may want to discuss the general concept with each other. If your partner absolutely abhors to be woken up in the middle of the night, chances are she or he is going deliver a blow, not a kiss, when spooned.

Ill. 11

187. Practice Children-in-the-House Sex.

One of the things parents become very good at is time management, which includes finding the time for sex. For some couples with children, they learn how to utilize 5-10 minute windows in very unique ways. Consider these options:

• manual sex in the car en route to get groceries

• sex with her seated on the countertop in the bathroom with the shower running

• a firm Do Not Disturb sign and lock on their bedroom door for midday retreats

The more important point about this tip is the attitude behind it: a flat-out refusal to let the fact that they are parents disrupt the fact that they are also lovers—and Great Ones at that.

188. Attempt First-Thing-in-the-Morning Sex.

Mother Nature actually rigged us to be best at sex in the morning because of a natural daily peak of hormones midmorning. If you are awkward with each other before brushing your teeth or showering, try a side-by-side position, with him or her behind. This position is warm and inviting, but not face-to-face. If the two of you get really aroused, you can always try intercourse doggie style. Just keep in mind that morning happens to be your natural sexual peak, so take advantage of this surge in hormones when you can.

189. Great Lover Moment: The Morning Erection.

Many men wake in the morning with an erection. Although this, too, is a part of the body’s natural cycle, it does not necessarily result in a hormonal urge or desire to have sex. These erections are the body’s way of maintaining the health of the penile vascular tissue. Just like the erections a man has during the night, the morning erections usually follow a period of REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement), which occurs right before waking up. But as Bob and Claire learned, why waste a good thing? They love waking up to Bob’s erection—regardless of its origin.

190. Relish Late-Afternoon Sex.

Some couples have shared that a late afternoon romp (usually on weekends) does wonders for their overall morale. Those I’ve spoken with say that there is a certain sexiness to this time of day, with the sun lower in the sky, evening not quite having arrived. This limbo allows for a certain suspension of cares and worries, a softness that brings them together in a sensual, soothing way.

191. Talk Dirty to Me.

Some men and women go wild when they are sexually explicit with each other. Tim told me a remarkable story. When he and his girlfriend were at a recent party, she whispered in his ear about what she wanted him to do to her that night. “I started walking into walls. Literally, I couldn’t focus on anything but getting out the door.” When I asked him what she said that got him so hot and bothered, Tim responded almost shyly, “She said, ‘I want you to f___ me up the ass.’” Not a bit of a wonder that he was walking into walls! But know this, ladies: You are in charge of the level of explicitness. Many men like you to talk a bit dirty, but you need to feel comfortable doing so. See tip 311, Talk Dirty, for the fantasy scenario of this.

192. Sex in the Shower.

Sex in the shower is steamy, slithery, and slippery, and you have lots of props to make the slither even more slippery—shampoo, a gentle shower gel, even old-fashioned soap—but make sure it’s mild. Here are a few suggestions: take a bath mitt or soft washcloth and lather your partner from the belly down. Ladies, he will love it when you gently massage his penis, using lots of lather around his testicles—remember to treat them like small, breakable eggs. Once you’ve begun to rinse him, and if there’s room, kneel down and give him oral sex. Most men love the sensation of your mouth around his erection while the beads of water pulse down from above. Gentlemen, women love to be washed. Stand behind her and gently wash her breasts, torso, and her inner thighs with your hands or a bath mitt. The idea here is to roam her body without directly stimulating her genitals—they will be wet all on their own. Then ask her if she wants you to enter her from behind. One requirement: a bath mat so you can maintain your upright positions.

193. Sex in the Bath.

This tip requires a rather large bathtub and is best done with the woman sitting astride the man. Once the two of you have massaged and cleansed each other, all the while kissing madly to make the steam in the room even thicker, use some lubrication (Slippery Stuff gel is best under these wet conditions), and try for some slithery up and down action. Again, one requirement: a nonslip bath mat so you can keep your rhythm going without slipping below the water.

194. Sex in a Steam Room.

While most of us do not have a steam room in the privacy of our own homes, there is a special danger in trying to squeeze in a quickie at the health club—that is, of course, if you know how to be hygienic about it. An important point here is you won’t be doing a lot of moving; this is a very controlled sexual encounter. Also, you know those small white towels clubs provide you with? Use them! Lay them down on any surface. If the steam room has multiple bench levels, then you might find intercourse interesting with one of you sitting and one of you standing.

The sexiness of this tip comes from all the sweat and slather the two of you make together!

195. Skinny-Dip.

This tip may not include sex per se; but it can surely lead to it! Where can you skinny-dip? Well, obviously, you have more choices during warm weather. But my point here is not to overlook the fun element of sex. Skinny-dipping with your lover can shed years off your mental age and do wonders for your chronological age. So next time you’re near a free body of water, get naked and dive right in.

196. Have Sex Even When You’re Not in the Mood.

You’re two people, so it makes sense that there will be times when one of you may be in the mood for sex, and the other will not. Why have sex when you’re not in the mood? Here are my chief reasons:

a. it will bring you and your lover closer together

b. once you begin, chances are you will be in the mood

c. the longer you have a “dry” spell, the longer you will not be lovers in the purest sense of the word

197. How to Get Your Lover Hot When He or She Is Not.

Here are some suggestions if you’re in the mood, but your lover is not:

• If it’s the woman who is not in the mood, you need to pay more attention to her. Attention is like sunshine to women: It brings them out of themselves, a secret every good hairdresser knows. Another way to help her is by removing those time-gobbling things that are getting in the way of her having time to get in the mood.

• If it’s the man who is not in the mood, you need to get his mind off whatever it’s on. Remember, men compartmentalize their lives. So if he is still thinking about work or the fact that the Jets lost again, then it’s up to you to move his brain to you and sex. Try any of the foreplay techniques or begin slowly, manually stimulating him.

But the key for both of you is to try to let yourself go and surrender to the pleasure.

198. Explore Erotic Books.

Sex books are different from erotica. Classic erotica is more impression and narrative oriented, but it can get you just as hot as any how-to book—perhaps even more so. Some of my favorites are:

• The Best American Erotica 2003, Susie Bright

This is Susie’s tenth anniversary edition and once again she does what she does best: she has skillfully prepared and delivered a gourmet erotic buffet, the variety is such that all you need do is choose your pleasure.

• Best Women’s Erotica, Marcy Sheiner

The stories collected in this anthology are for the smart and curious reader; said to be “hot, sexy, literate, and thought-provoking,” they deal with the “darker side of sex” says editor Sheiner.

• Sweet Life, Editor Violet Blue

From naughty girls to dominant girls, from truly sensual massage to abductions as you please, from exhibitionism on the subway to threesomes and phone sex with style, this is a we-did-it-you-can-too anthology of real couples playing out their fantasies.

Find a story you like and read it to each other in bed.

199. Read the Kama Sutra.

This is a centuries-old guide that claims to include every possible sexual tip, with exotic illustrations. You will find wild positions and varied and sun-dried secrets from the Eastern tradition. Use it as a source of information or as a titillating book for you and your lover to look at together.

200. Explore Erotic Movies.

Again, erotic films are very different from porn, especially your statusquo pornography that is aimed specifically at a male audience. Erotic films offer a more developed storyline and don’t necessarily include footage of sex scenes. They are, in general, less explicit. But they do offer much more of a subtle, sophisticated experience that you and your partner might find very arousing indeed. A terrific video guide for female viewers—and great for first timers—is Violet Blue’s new book, The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos: How to Watch Adult Videos and Make Your Sex Life Sizzle. She highly recommends videos by female directors for first-time female viewers, especially Veronica Hart, Tina Tyler, and Candida Royalle. Their films are just on the other side of softcore, combining explicit sex with plot and complex relationships—no easy feat. But not all women want plot, some might just want to see hot sex, straight, with no chaser, and for those women she recommends John Leslie’s Voyeur series and all-sex videos by female director Shane. The Voyeurs feature incredibly focused sex in twosomes and threesomes, with a gorgeous cast that is usually European. Shane is a college-girl type, and she gets together with her attractive guy and gal pals, and they go on trips (such as river rafting) and have sex in natural locations. There are lots of female orgasms in Shane’s videos. None of these directors include any cheesy porn music in their videos.

Here are Violet’s top picks:

(films with plot)

• Tina Tyler’s Going Down

• Love’s Passion (Hart)

• Taken (Hart)

• White Lightning (Hart)

• Eyes of Desire 2 (Royalle)

• One Size Fits All (Royalle)

(films with all sex, no plot)

• John Leslie’s Voyeur series numbers 7, 10, and 13

• Shane’s World videos, number 19 and number 20

201. Feed Each Other.

Elsewhere I have mentioned how important it is for couples to dine together, how when they go through the ritual of eating, they are satisfying one of our most primal urges. The urge to eat is inherently connected to the urge for sex. This tip, then, is taking this connection to the next level: when you feed each other, you are getting that much closer to giving yourself to each other sexually. Order or make a platter of food—one or two plates that you share—and take turns feeding each other.

202. Eat Cake.

Or eat other aphrodisiacal foods of you choice. Here are some standard foods that we associate with erotic or aphrodisiac appeal: artichokes, oysters, and chocolate. But consider expanding your pantry with these foods, in these ways:

• Eat mangoes while naked in bed. They’re juicy, so be prepared to lick each other clean.

• Treat her to a lollipop. You like the way she tastes, so why not place the lollipop inside of her mouth and then you lick the pop.

• Feed each other any finger food you desire, from Doritos laden with salsa to gold-dusted truffles.

• Spoon berries and cream into each other’s mouth, using the spoon or your fingers to trace the cream around each other’s bodies.

• Drizzle honey or chocolate or, my favorite, caramel all over each other and then lick it off.

• Pour brandy (or your liqueur of choice) in each other’s belly buttons and suck it out.

203. Expand Your Sensuality.

You have five senses, so use them. When it comes to seducing your lover, you increase your pleasure when you incorporate all five senses—watch your lover, listen to his or her voice, touch him or her, smell him or her (all over), and taste all the different parts of him or her. The senses are avenues of sexual pleasure, and the more open and in use they are, the more aroused you can make each other. Think of the secret above: Sex is messy. How does it get messy? When you allow yourself (and your partner) to create and experience sensation using all of your senses. Touch with your fingers, taste with your tongue, listen to both of you hum or moan, inhale the scent of your sex, and watch it all happen, then you create a bursting bonfire of stimulation. After all, you can’t have sensation without your senses. The next five tips show you ways to begin opening your sensuality together.

204. Stimulate Your Sense of Smell.

Any scent, fresh flowers, perfume, aromatherapy, coffee, pumpkin pie—whatever works for you—can impact your sensuality and therefore your sexual readiness and openness. So as you plan your sexual encounter, while you set the mood, make a point to incorporate your sense of smell. Spray yourself and the room with your favorite scent, light a fragrant candle, burn incense, or boil potpourri. By adding this element to the general sensual environment, you stimulate a deep reaction within both of you. Indeed, some men say that one of their biggest turn-ons are the natural scents of their lovers. If you want to explore aromatherapy, here are some scents that are known to be aphrodisiacal. They work on the brain to release endorphins—our feel-good chemicals:

205. Great Lover Moment: Take Your Love Away With You.

Kate, a recent seminar attendee whose lover travels a lot for work, told me a very touching story: When her boyfriend called her from Asia, after being gone for two weeks, he told her, “I have you here with me. I not only carry your picture, but the T-shirt you last slept in.” What she didn’t tell him that the T-shirt he had was her favorite and just happened to be from her high school reunion. What’s at work in this tip? The T-shirt carries her smell, and breathing her in allows him to reconnect with her while they are apart, and for her it is like being able to fall asleep with him from afar.

206. Seeing Is Believing.

Given the incredible range of images available to us, it makes sense that our sight is one of the most evocative and proactive senses. A color may remind you of the red-hot thong she wears. The shape of a man’s Italian jacket has you fantasizing about his broad shoulders over you during sex. Instead of concentrating on the usual images that get you hot, consider expanding your visual repertoire and explore areas you haven’t yet. Why not peruse Shunga, ancient Japanese erotica, and look at what they thought was hot? (FYI, the number of crumpled tissues scattered around lovers is their way of letting you know how many times they’ve made love.) Here are some other ways you can stimulate your sense of the visual:

• change the angle of your bed so that you have a different view of the room

• change the lightbulb in your bedside lamp to a different color

• put a colored scarf over the lampshade to give your room an afterglow effect

• move the artwork around on the walls of your room or home

• strategically place a wardrobe mirror so you can watch yourselves

• if you have the space, place a Japanese screen near your bedside, creating a sense of isolation and comfort for you and your lover

207. Pique Your Sense of Hearing.

Seduction begins between your ears, especially for women. Whether you are used to listening to music—soft, hard, or somewhere in the middle—or you enjoy the background vibrations of meditative chants, aural stimulation can offer a deep relaxation that can lead to Great Sex. For some couples, the sound of birds singing through an open window or the eternal sound of a waterfall create a romantic and sensual environment that acts as a passageway to sex. Of course, what you choose to use as such a stimulant or relaxant is purely subjective. But it remains up to you to explore your options.

208. Great Lover Moment: Music to Make Love By.

Whether you are in the mood for hot fast sex, slow romantic sex, or the intensity of some kind of Tantric sex, a recent seminar attendee made these suggestions for music to make love by:

• Hot Fast Sex: Try Portishead, Maxwell Urban Suite—or anything with a tribal drumbeat, like reggae.

• Slow Romantic Sex: Chet Baker Songs for Lovers, Marvin Gaye’s “I Want You,” Sade’s Deluxe, John Coltrane’s Coltrane for Lovers, or Norah Jones’s Come Away with Me

• Intense or Inspirational Sex: Try Margot Anand’s “Sky Dancing Tantra: A Call to Bliss,” or Joao Gilberto’s Bossa Nova album.

209. Touch Sensation.

Often men and women have intense sensual memories of how they were touched as babies or children. One man remembers how his grandmother made little circles on his forehead with her fingers. To this day, he melts in response to this kind of touching. A woman from one of my seminars loves her partner to place his hand firmly but gently across the back of her neck. “It soothes and relaxes me instantly.” And another man described how intensely his touch connected him to his lover in this way: “It was like her skin was speaking to me.” So although we’ve already discussed the power of touch, I wanted to repeat the message in a slightly different way here. Try these various types of touch:

• short, feathery strokes

• long, irregular swirls

• deep, massaging touch

• then ask what his or her preference is

Next time you’re wondering how you might stimulate your lover with touch, ask his or her mother, sister, or grandmother how your lover liked to be touched as he or she went to sleep at night. And also keep in mind that any time you touch someone differently, it will register more intensely since they’ve never felt it before in quite that way. Need I say more? So ladies and gentlemen, touch your lover everywhere and have his or her skin speak to you.

210. The Swirl.

Here is a tip that men and women love to use to figure out how their lover likes to be touched; it’s called the Swirl:

Step One: Using your fingernails, lightly scratch the bare skin of his or her thigh, in a straight line from the knee to the base of the genital area (where the pubic hair begins). Play with the amount of pressure—how does your lover react? Does he or she begin to moan like a cat? Bristle a little? Quiver?

Step Two: Using a big, irregular, wavy motion, go over the same area; this is the Swirl.

Step Three: Continue the swirl over every area of your lover’s body—the legs, arms, back, belly, head. And if you really want to rev the engine, do the swirl—albeit lightly and gently—on the genitals.

211. Tantalize Your Sense of Taste.

212. Create a Sanctuary in the Bedroom.

• don’t leave your bed unmade. No one finds used beds appealing, even if it was you who used it

• don’t forget to change your sheets regularly

• don’t leave your clothes strewn about

• don’t fill your room with too much clutter

• don’t make the television the room’s centerpiece

I rarely like to stress the “Don’ts” of this world, but I feel these reminders are necessary because they all can create obstacles to getting in the mood for Great Sex.

213. Ladies, Prepare the Bed for Your Man with Cool, Crisp Sheets.

Many men have shared with me the divine sensation of slipping into a freshly made bed with crisp, cool linens. Part of this appeal is the feeling of being taken care of, the other part is of a strong, male preference for coolness. I know of one man who so missed the sensation on his cheeks of the cherished coolness of his wife’s pressed pillowcases that he shaved his full beard off. Another man said this of slipping into his clean sheets at night, “Once I’m in that bed, she can do anything she wants.”

214. Penis Ph.D.

Ladies, you need to study his penis in order to know his penis. Given that your skin is your largest sexual organ, use his penis to your best advantage by acquainting every area of your body with its texture, smell, and feel. As they say about great detectives, leave no stone unturned. Place his penis between your breasts, run your nipple up its silky texture, and even stroke your neck, chin, and nose with it. Use your eyelashes to butterfly kiss the sides of his penis. For those ladies with long hair, wrap a chunk of hair around the shaft to change the texture of your manual stroke. As a good student, you will need to pay close attention to how he reacts and anytime he has an explosive breath, chances are you are doing a very good thing. Instead of using his fingers for manual pleasure, try using his erection to stimulate yourself. Or mount him, lowering your breasts toward his face, and open your genitals with his erect penis.

215. The Penis Effect.

Ladies, use the head of his glans to stimulate yourself clitorally. To do so, straddle him and gently move his penis in contact with your clitoral region. This way he can watch your body and you doing yourself, invariably a truly erotic event for most men.

216. Get to Know Her Essence.

The best way you can be a Great Lover is to open yourself to knowing all of her, so don’t be shy, don’t be wary. Tell her that you want to know her inside and out. Let her know you think all of her is beautiful. When you look, touch, smell, and kiss her clitoris and the rest of her genitalia, then she will become truly comfortable, and truly yours. Do you really know her genitalia? Do you know exactly how she likes her clitoris stimulated? Do you know where her G spot is located? Use your fingers, mouth, and tongue to investigate her essence. And if you don’t know exactly where it is, do some research. The head or glans of the clitoris is just below the place where her inner lips meet at the top. The clitoris is also covered at the top by a small fold of skin called the prepuce. For women who are sensitive to direct clitoral stimulation, this clitoral hood is very protective. And know that just as your penis swells upon stimulation, so too does the clitoral region as it is flooded with blood. To locate her G spot, put two fingers inside of her vagina and brush them gently through the front, tummy side of the cavity. The G spot swells as it surrounds the urethra and swells, when it is stimulated, in size from a dime to a quarter. And likely I am preaching to the choir when I say her natural scent is what most men say is one of their biggest turn-ons.

217. Enjoy the Rest of Her Body.

Once you’ve become entangled with your lover’s genitalia, it’s time to shower the rest of her body with your attention. Rub her legs and feet, caress, tickle, gently scratch her arms and hands; kiss, fondle, and mouth her breasts and nipples. Explore her lower back and buttocks—many women love to have this area of their bodies massaged. The key here is to find the areas of her body that she is most proud of or where she is most sensitive and concentrate on them. If you do this in the beginning, you relax her, making it more fruitful to go on to her other areas.

218. Enjoy the Other Parts of His Body As Well.

What parts of his body turn you on? Ask yourself these questions as a way to get started. You may know already that you love the small of his back, the inner curve of his arm where it meets his chest. What about his hands, the backs of his legs, the crease where his buttocks and thigh joins? Do you like to tease your fingers through his chest hair? (In my experience, women usually fall into two camps: they either like hair or they don’t.) It’s up to you to explore and roam. Touch, taste, tickle, inhale: he’s offered it all to you. His body is your buffet—it’s all yours! And if you are feeling a bit timid or unsure, just ask your lover where you can touch him next—you may never come up for air. Just ask him, “Where to next, darling?” Don’t focus on orgasm for the moment, rather, enjoy the texture of his skin, his smell, his very essence. By exploring him in these ways, you will become even closer, more intimate, and connected. As one woman remarked, “When I finally let myself touch my husband in this way, really getting into it, it was like I discovered a whole new world of him. I felt so much closer to him—like we were really one person instead of two.” This kind of closeness will make you absolutely present for each other, making you so attuned and engaged that the rest of the world will simply melt away.

219. The Surprise Pleasures of Anal Penetration for Him.

There is a reason why the Bend Over Boyfriend video series has been so popular. Simply stated, there are men who want to explore the sensation that women experience when being penetrated by a partner, the sensation of being filled up. Some men know right away that they like or would like to try anal penetration. They are not encumbered by the associations with homosexual sex, may even get off on those associations, or are just born to be more open about their sexuality. Others are more hesitant, so don’t push him if he isn’t interested. Some men worry that the unwelcome erection they experience during the less than pleasant rectal prostate exam indicated “hidden” tendencies. Actually, congratulations are in order; what is happening is the nerves on either side of the prostate (those responsible for creating your erections) are working just fine. They were simply stimulated during the exam. Also, it stands to reason physically that we would enjoy stimulation of that area, we know how sensitive our lips and mouths are, and that is one end of our GI (gastrointestinal) tract and this is the other end. In any case, if your man is interested in trying anal pleasures, here are a few suggestions:

• Always best after a date-night shower/bidet.

• Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate.

• Start with your finger or fingers and careful of your fingernails.

• Be sure to use a properly designed anal toy, such as an anal plug with a flange (flare) at the base. Begin with smaller toys for insertion and always use plenty of lubrication.

• Try wearing an anal plug during the day to get the area used to sensation. Designer styles are available at www.rosebud.net.

220. Help Her Catch the A-Train.

Gentlemen, if your lady likes to be anally pleasured, or she is interested in trying, she may also like to try what someone dubbed, “Taking the A-Train”—double penetration of her vagina and anus. If you are penetrating her vagina with your penis, you can gently insert your finger, a small dildo, anal plug, or anal beads into her anus. Or if you’d like to be more of a “master of the controls,” and don’t mind not being inside of her for a moment, then use a dildo vaginally and something smaller (your finger or fingers, anal plug or beads) inside of her anus. And there are novelties designed for double penetration. By gently manipulating both simultaneously, she may leave the station, so to speak—like the A-train.

221. Ladies, Take Charge.

Some men love it when women take charge. So next time you think he may be expecting to see you lying there waiting for missionary style, tell him to lie on his back and then mount him. The sheer momentum you create will have him standing in no time.

222. Have Sex in an Unfamiliar Place.

This tip takes some daring. An unfamiliar place could be anywhere—it really depends on you and what you are used to. If you and your lover typically make love in the bedroom (where 90 percent of sex takes place), then try it in the living room. One couple, Harry and Jill, specialize in finding new or unfamiliar spots, some of which have required a lot of daring and nerve. Consider their choices: the rental storage vault while moving some of her boxes; in the attic of their house while installing insulation; and in a freight elevator—twice in the same night. Most people, however, are more comfortable with the unfamiliar that is still a bit familiar—in the laundry room, for example, or on the washing machine—during the rinse cycle.

223. Have Sex When Others Are Around.

This tip takes even more daring. Another requirement is silence and speed. Consider this scenario: you and your partner are hosting a party. One of you has to go into the garage to replenish the wine or beer supply; the other one follows into the garage. You push the other against the far wall, shimmy your clothes out of the way, and copulate wildly to the sounds of social chitter chatter in the background. At a huge society wedding in Texas, the matron of honor grabbed her tuxedo’d spouse and led him down a secluded hallway of the club so she could give him great oral sex in an unlocked supply cupboard. So perhaps take advantage of a party or occasion at someone else’s home. If you and your lover happen to find yourselves in the bathroom at the same time, with the water running, the man can perch the woman on the sink counter and slip her dress up or her jeans down. The man then gets on his knees and gives her oral sex. The danger, the quickness, and the silence come together to give this tip its particular sizzle appeal.

224. Place a Mirror in Your Bedroom.

Why? To watch yourselves having sex of course. This tip came to me from one of my star sex-seminar pupils: She said that when she and her lover added a free-standing dressing mirror, their love nest took on a totally new feeling. And because they could move it, they were able to create new ways of viewing their activities. Indeed, their sex became hotter than ever. So try it, you might like what you see. Men in particular, being visual creatures, really get off on this.

225. Paint Each Other.

There’s a particular paint I have in mind—liquid latex body paint—it goes on as easily as it comes off, with soap and water. But the process is absolutely sensational. For the more orally inclined, there are also chocolate body paints, complete with paintbrush and paint. There are also watercolor paint sets that come with their own brushes. Some couples prefer homemade varieties and have been known to get downright creative with peanut butter and honey. Like any artists, you need to follow your instincts and feel free to create, not worrying for the moment about the mess. (You may want to think ahead and put down a big towel as your dropcloth.) Take turns creating watercolors, art, and writing messages on each others’ bodies. No only does it feel good, it will also give you both a good laugh and let you explore your creative side. Who knows, your lover may be a latent artist, waiting to emerge!

226. Ask to Be Spanked.

From what I understand, the asking can be as much of a turn-on as the receiving. As one woman said, “One night my husband and I were in the middle of making love, and I just blurted out, ‘Spank me!’ He looked at me in surprise, but then without a word, he started lightly tapping on my behind. In a few minutes we were both coming. There was something about the illicitness of it that made us both wild.”

227. Give Your Lover a Scalp Massage.

Most of us love to have our scalps massaged. It’s best to do this with dry hair (wet hair has a tendency to pull). And if your partner doesn’t mind, put some lotion or light oil on your fingertips as you make light, circular motions around the scalp, paying close attention to cover all territory to move from the base of the neck to the top of the forehead.

228. Give Your Lover a Back Massage.

We hold most of our body’s tension in our back, which is why so many people are prone to lower-back pain. Have your lover lie on his or her tummy and begin to massage from just above the sacrum (tailbone). Using the sacrum as your center, move outward—up the spine and outward toward the ribs. Massage the upper back and shoulders last, being careful to test how much pressure to use. Make sure you don’t put any pressure directly on the spinal cord. Also, warm your hands by rubbing them together first and use a light oil to make your touch more fluid and soothing. There are many massage oils on the market—find one that has the added benefit of aromatherapy. One client found a massage oil called Roman Orgy Love Oil. When he breaks out the bottle, his wife knows she’s in for a treat. And its unique scent turns them both on.

229. Know How to Wash and Brush Your Lover’s Hair.

Gentlemen, most women love to have their hair washed—why do you think they get their hair done at the salon so often? So make a spa date, and wash her hair for her. Whether she’s sitting in the kitchen or in the bath or shower, she will love to have your big hands in her hair, massaging in the fragrant shampoo.

Once you’re done with the shampoo, comb and brush her hair. If more people only knew how divine it is to have one’s hair played with, I would venture to say they would take lessons in brushing their lover’s hair. The divine-ness stems from a very simple tenet: Most people have loving, sensual memories of having their hair brushed by their mother or father. Of course, at that time, they didn’t think of it as relaxing; they just knew it felt great and wanted more. Now as adults we can ask for more. And any lover worth his or her salt knows relaxation opens the doors to you and your partner being connected.

230. Great Lover Moment: The Magic of a Box of Sand.

One couple recently received a gift that has added a special playfulness to their already stellar love life. The gift was a Japanese meditation box, which looks like a small sandbox, filled with sand and accompanied by a pencillike instrument with which to play in the sand. After receiving the delightful little box, Ann and Chris moved it around their home from room to room, trying to find its perfect place. Finally it landed in their master bathroom, where it has taken on a whole new meaning: When each of them gets up in the morning, they draw or write a message to the other in the sand about how they feel or what they want to do with each other later that day or night. As Ann explained, “We’re both such terrible artists that half the fun is about trying to guess what the other one drew!”

231. Shave Him.

Slip into your most sexy lingerie and ask your man to sit down. Then sit astride him (make sure the chair is sturdy) and begin to shave him. Make sure you have all the necessary equipment (warm water, sharp or new razor, his favorite shaving cream, and a hand towel). The mixture of danger and taking care of him is intoxicating. And he will love it.

232. Shave Her Wherever She Wishes.

Whether it is a once-in-a-lifetime gesture or his favorite thing to do in the shower, when your man does this “take-care-of-you” move the memory remains all day long—especially when you cross your legs. As one man said, “Hey, I can’t think of anything better than getting to play with her warm wet body first thing in the morning.” The beauty of shaving is most men have an awareness of how to warm up the skin, lather the surface and stroke technique, and with that skill set in place he can artfully remove hair from legs and or any other area under your guidance.

233. How to Use Lubricant and Why.

Lubricants have two star qualities: They enhance your sexual pleasure by keeping you both juiced up, and they add a wonderful element of fun to sex. But there are many lubricants to choose from and some that are better for oral sex, others which are better for manual sex, and still others that are best for intercourse and toys. Here is some basic information:

• Use a clear lubricant so you don’t worry about staining the sheets.

• Use water-based lubricants. Those that are oil-based will break down the latex of a condom. Also, oil introduced into the vagina can lead to yeast and vaginal infections.

• Make sure the lubricant does not contain the spermicide Nonoxynol-9, which is a harmful irritant to both men and women. This ingredient is also found on some condoms and will take away pleasure, rather than add to it.

234. Coitus Cloths.

Leave a washcloth near the bed. An invaluable research assistant shared this tip with me, referring to her bedside washcloths as “coitus cloths.” I rather like that nomenclature. This is, again, a practical tip for cleaning up leaky fluids quickly, without breaking the mood or momentum of the moment, and they are more effective than tissues. Placing them nearby also allows you to linger in bed, rather than jumping up to clean up in the bathroom. They also are particularly handy for those women who prefer not to swallow when giving their men oral sex. My research assistant also suggested that you make any such cloths distinct in color or design from those you use on the rest of your bodies, faces included. This way, you can sort them easily when laundry is done.

235. Keep Your Sex Life Private.

I probably don’t have to tell you about this tip, but I will err on the side of caution, and manners. Even though you may sometimes have the urge to share or reveal the intimate details of your relationship to friends or family, just know that one small detail can lead to many broad assumptions. The sex you have with your partner is meant to be private; it’s about the two of you and no one else. Once shared, you not only lessen its specialness, but you also risk breaking the bubble of intimacy your relationship is founded upon. So don’t tell your friends about how she moans, or about the freckle on his penis. Cherish those details and keep them to yourself.

236. Let Sex Be Fun.

If we can learn to laugh at ourselves in the bedroom, as in any room in our house of life, we eliminate the risk of taking our selves and the situation too seriously. When you laugh and have fun, you avoid giving in to ubiquitous performance pressure. There is a time for hot, steamy, earnest sex, but there are also times when you need to let go and laugh. Sex should be fun. From a certain Luis recounting how he fell out of bed during vigorous activity, to couples cracking up due to someone’s “love farts,” many couples have shared that some of their best sex has been some of their funniest. Simply said, if you want it to be fun, it will be fun.