The Classics: Moves, Positions, and More from My Archives
In the Playbook, you learned more than a hundred tips and techniques to keep the fire between you and your lover burning all through late spring and summer. And just when you think you might be due a late-summer break, I want to give you some more very special tips that will turn your fall into an Indian summer, keeping you blazing away. Just like the heading indicates, this section is a collection of the classic moves, positions, and other pointers culled from the archives of my sexuality seminars. Seminar favorites include, Ode to Bryan (perhaps the best manual move on a man), the Ten Ways Women Can Be Stimulated for Orgasm, tips on how to give the best oral sex to a man or a woman, and much, much more. Why are they classics? Because they work and work beautifully and continue to work for many, many people. In the ten years that I’ve been giving sexuality seminars, I have listened to thousands of women and men tell me what works for them sexually. I have taken this information, added my own ideas, and come up with the best-of-the-best techniques for manual sex, oral sex, intercourse, and anal sex. I’ve also included tips on developing the spiritual side of sex, as well as particular exercises for increasing your arousal and response factor. So, here is to increasing your sexual pleasure, expanding your sexual knowledge base, and becoming the Great Lover you are no doubt destined to be.
237. Ode to Bryan.
This tip is the all-out favorite hand maneuver for men. A good manual maneuver is an incredibly easy skill to master, and there is one in particular that is a hands-down favorite—no pun intended—The Ode to Bryan. I learned this technique from one of my best male friends who happily taught me this skill using a spoon from a caffe latte. To get ready, position yourself comfortably between his legs. He can sit on a chair, on the edge of the bed, on a stair, or in the back of a taxi. This hand maneuver travels well. Keep in mind that you will be using both of your hands; using both expands the area of sensation and keeps a nice rhythm going.
Step 1: Using your favorite lubricant, apply to the palms of both hands and rub your hands together to warm them and the lubricant.
Step 2: (Illus. 12) You are going to be using both hands, so whichever one you want to start with, place it thumb down, nestled into his pubic hair, palm facing away from you and gently wrap your warmed-up fingers around the base of his penis. “Break” the joint of your wrist and push your wrist toward his stomach so you should now be looking at the back of your hand and four fingers. He should be looking at your thumb. The end of your thumb should rest on the top of your fingertips. Now move your hand up the penis—gently and firmly.
Step 3: (Illus. 13) Only when you get to the top do you release the flexion of your wrist.
Step 4: (Illus. 14) Rotate the palm of your hand over the head of the glans, as if you were caressing the head of a small baby, and drop your fingers so that they are parallel with the shaft so you can maintain palm contact as you rotate over the glans. Bryan’s comment was, “The twist is the most crucial part and must be done only at the top. And you must keep as much of your hand as possible in contact with the penis at all times to create maximum sensation and stimulation.”
Step 5a: (Illus. 15) Once your hand has rotated over, and keeping the palm in contact, flip your hand so that you have a little ring with the index finger and forefinger.
Ode to Bryan
Step 5b: Complete that hand’s stroke by continuing to the bottom of his shaft.
Step 6: (Illus. 16) Just as you complete the one hand’s cycle, your other hand should already be in position at the base to start the upward stroke.
Step 7: Repeat as needed . . .
238. It Takes Three.
Most women love to be manually stimulated; indeed, since their first orgasm usually happens through masturbation, many women are able to orgasm easily and intensely this way. Before getting started, do two things: 1) clean and warm your hands; 2) apply lubricant (water based). And keep this general tip in mind: When touching a woman’s genitals, always begin with broad strokes, reducing the area of stimulation as sensation builds. Here’s a favorite hand maneuver—It Takes Three.
Step 1) Using your three middle fingers, as seen in illustration 17, curve them over her vulva, warming the area and getting her ready for touching so that no one area, especially the clitoris, is shocked—not exactly a turn-on. Using your middle finger, gently finger her clitoral area and the bud.
Ill. 17 Step 1
Step 2) Maintain a slow up-and-down motion while slowly slipping your middle finger into her vagina (illustration 18).
Ill. 18 Step 2
Step 3) Finally, with your middle and index fingers together, as in illustration 19, stimulate the clitoral ridge with a up-and-down motion. Some women like to have the bud squeezed gently; others prefer a pulsing sensation; still others want the continued up-and-down motion of your fingers.
Ill. 19 Step 3
You may want to consider (illustration 20) as it is what some Great Lovers have said is their preferred way to do It Takes Three and The Y-Knot, which follows. This position allows the woman to relax mentally into the sensations while remaining physically completely connected to her man.
Ill. 20
239. Y-Knot.
This is another manual maneuver a man can do on his lady. The basic move is to spread open her lips with one hand, while massaging her clitoris with the other hand. As the illustration suggests, use two fingers on one hand for spreading, and the middle finger of your other hand for a circular or up-and-down motion. And if she enjoys it, slip your middle finger inside of her every once in a while. Remember to keep the delicate vulva tissue moist to ease motion and so that it doesn’t start to dry out and feel uncomfortable.
Ill. 21
240. Basket Weave.
A favorite of seminar attendees and their men.
Step 1: With well-lubricated hands clasp your hands together as seen in illustration 22 (top view) and lower them over his erect penis.
Step 2: Remember your hands are acting like an imposter vagina so mimic the sensation similar to that of when a man first enters you.
Step 3: Start what will be a continuous up-and-down twisting motion by slowly lowering your hands down his shaft as seen in the side view of illustration 23.
Step 4: Illustration 24 shows the gentle rotation you do at the base of his shaft before you start the upward stroke. The twisting motion is done continuously while doing the up-and-down stroke to heighten sensation for him. The motion is like that of a washing machine done very gently.
241. The Art of Giving Her Oral Pleasure.
Most women come alive when they are pleasured orally. It’s one of the most intimate, loving acts a man can perform for his woman. Also, for a high percentage of women, this is one of the easiest ways to orgasm. Why? Because of the constant stimulation in combination with the heat, softness, and moisture of your mouth. Men who have the gift of cunnilingus are often referred to as “artists”—because of the attitude with which they pleasure their woman. As any artist will tell you, all art is subjective and personal, and no two women are alike in what they prefer and what they need to enjoy themselves. The male artist in this case prepares his woman’s sensation canvas according to her particular needs and desires, and then uses his tools to take her to another level. Gentlemen, use the following tips to guide you as you paint your lover’s canvas, but know that without the attitude and intention of pleasing her and her alone, there will be no masterpiece, merely a counterfeit production.
242. Head-On or Profile?
Some women prefer direct stimulation of the clitoris and others find this too intense. And some women change during the course of their monthly hormonal cycles, becoming too sensitive for direct stimulation the middle two weeks of the cycle, when they are most sensitive, and during the rest of the time, absolutely craving direct stimulation. Now, gentlemen, if you are with a lady who loves the intensity of straight-on stimulation, you may want to vary the intensity by lifting the clitoral hood to expose more of the extremely sensitive glans underneath. This is most easily done while you are between her legs and can apply pressure onto her pubic hair. As if you are moving a cheek to make someone smile, gently push the pubis mons toward her tummy. This way more of the inner labia (lips) and clitoris will be available for stimulation. Or, depending on your preferred position, if you are between her legs and lying more horizontally, use your middle and index fingers of both hands to lift the outer labia like small tent poles so that you can explore more of that incredibly soft skin with your mouth. That will be some camping trip.
243. Vary the Speed and Pressure of Your Tongue.
It is the variation of sensation that allows for the greatest buildup of pleasure when you are giving oral sex to a lady. Once you have reached that certain point, you then maintain intensity until completion. The reason you do not use the same strength of touch at the beginning as you do at the end is because those incredibly sensitive nerves need to acclimate to the intensity. If you are too strong or too quick with your tongue, then you may numb her. And like a good dancer, you don’t get on the dance floor and use the same step through the whole song; you vary your strokes until the dance is done.
244. For the More Delicate Flowers.
If your lover is too sensitive for direct clitoral stimulation, you may want to consider the following options: 1) Alternate between a broad stroke and a pointy one, circling the clitoral bud, but not stimulating the glans (the most sensitive part) directly. A broad stroke is achieved by flattening out the tip of your tongue; a pointy stroke is when you narrow the tip of your tongue into a point; 2) Have her wear sheer, silk panties and pleasure her through the material. Wet silk adheres very well to any surface and is the perfect governor of intensity for extremely sensitive women. Also, please know that just because a woman is sensitive does not mean it will necessarily be easy to stimulate her. Again, if the pressure is too intense, she can be pushed out of the feel-good realm and into the it-hurts realm. And I can assure you that once something begins to hurt, it’s almost impossible to return to feeling good. Rather than take the risk, simply start out more gently and gradually build pressure.
245. The Nose Knows (AKA Face Facts).
Women have long known that it is not an urban myth that men with big noses can provide special sexual satisfaction. A large nose does not promise a larger size “down there,” but rather a truer suggestion that men who have been blessed with larger noses often use them very well during oral sex. As one of my suppliers said, “The nose knows.” Some men use the rounded end of their nose when their tongues get tired, or simply because they love the sensation of the smooth, buttery texture of her labia and clitoris against their nose. Some men are so turned by their partner’s scent, it’s as if they want to drink their essence into them. Other men use their chins to create pressure on the bottom of the introitus (the entry into the vagina), while still other men use their pursed lips to open up the labia before sucking them into their mouths.
246. The Kivin Method.
The beauty of the Kivin Method is that you can create intense oral stimulation for a woman while getting immediate feedback that you are in the right place. You can also use this method to add a new angle for both of you. For ease of explanation, locate the K and C points on the diagram. Then follow the directions below:
Ill. 25
• The man lies perpendicular to the woman at a 90-degree angle to her hip.
• The woman’s only responsibility is to receive sensation.
• The partner uses a back-and-forth tongue stroke over the hood of the clitoris. Men who have practiced this technique have said that when the woman is aroused, they can feel two bumps on either side of the clitoral hood that feel like half grains of rice. These are the K points.
• The C point is how to get immediate feedback from the woman that you are in the right place. The man places his middle finger on her perineum, the C point, which is the quarter-size area between the vagina and anus. Make sure your nails are short and that she can only feel your finger pad, not your nail. The reason you will get immediate feedback is when your tongue is stroking in the correct place, the woman will experience involuntary, preorgasmic contractions in this area. Your finger doesn’t move; it stays still, because if you do move your finger you may move her concentration from the clitoral hood area to the perineum. By reading her body, you will be able to maintain correct tongue placement without wondering, “Am I there? Where is there? Have I moved from there?”
• Once you have started, don’t stop. Continue past her initial orgasmic response, as often this stimulation is the most intense and satisfying portion of the orgasm.
• Some couples have added a position adjustment: The woman curls her legs up to her chest and the man uses his arm to keep them pushed back and stabilized. In this way, the woman is very widely spread open and can receive even more intense stimulation.
Ill. 26
247. Big, Soft, Wet, and Warm.
Gentlemen, in giving oral sex to a woman, kiss her lips south of the border as you would her upper lips. If you have trouble envisioning how to kiss a woman “down there,” just imagine that you are kissing her lips: Both areas respond to heat, moisture, and texture. So kiss her in an all-encompassing manner—big, soft, wet, and warm, and stay in constant contact.
248. Please, No Flicking.
My number-one piece of advice for men when giving their ladies oral pleasure: Please don’t just flick. As a way to start, flicking may be fine, but be aware that it is a rotten holdover of visual information from the adult industry. If they showed in adult films what really works for most women, you wouldn’t see the tongue at all. In other words, the flicking depiction is a way to get a good shot for a film, but not a good way to orally pleasure a woman. Flicking is just like it sounds: short, annoying licks with your tongue against her clitoris or vaginal lips. These strokes make it difficult for women to build up sensation and feel any pleasure at all. The solution? Be aware that women are open to your using your tongue in all sorts of ways: Some women prefer wide, lush strokes. Other women prefer quick, hard strokes with the top of your tongue. Still other women prefer the soft underside of your tongue in a back-and-forth motion over the clitoris, and for some, sucking pulsations over the clitoris do the trick. But I’ve never heard of a woman who enjoys the flicking depicted in porn films.
249. A Tip for Sucking Her.
Many men come to me, asking how they should lick or suck a woman orally. This piece of advice came from one woman who voiced it in a seminar: “Suck on us the way you want us to suck on you.” Want to know how? Get guidance from your partner; obviously, this is a two-way street on the preferred level of suction. So, gentlemen, if you know in advance that your lady likes to have you suck on her genitals, then try doing it in the same way you suck on her tongue while French kissing her. Also, ask her if that would feel good elsewhere and if you need to adjust suction. Indeed, the best way to determine how much or little suction she likes is to simply suck on her finger or her tongue and ask if that’s her preference—this way she can give you direct feedback.
250. Tips for the Tongue-Tired.
Gentlemen, if your tongue gets tired when you are orally pleasuring her, you can maintain contact and sensation for her while giving yourself a bit of a break without slowing down the pace. Wrap your tongue over your upper lip and use the incredibly soft underside of your tongue to maintain her stimulation. FYI, this underbelly of your tongue has a nifty little ridge that can add to her sensation. You can give your tongue a further break by wagging your head in a “no” motion; this way you don’t have to use your tongue, but you are still maintaining contact and giving her the back-and-forth motion that is so crucial for most women. And the added bonus of the “wag” is getting the knots out of your neck.
251. Avoid That Crink in Your Neck.
Gentlemen, this tip is for you when giving your lady oral sex. Grab two pillows and place one under your chest and one under her hips. This way, your chin is not scrunched along the mattress or surface. With her pelvis in a more uplifted position, you now have greater range of motion. Also, in this more elevated position, you can support your chin on your clenched fist with your chin in the circle created by the ring finger and forefinger. Your index finger can also do double duty in this position by perhaps stroking the clitoral area, stroking across her perineum, or, as some women prefer, inserting your finger into her vagina with a pressure down onto the bottom of the introitus (entry into the vagina).
252. School Days—Forming Those Letters.
Gentlemen, most women prefer you to use your tongue in small movements across the clitoris. To make this more than an exercise, and more interesting to you (it’s already interesting to her), you can easily create more of a range of motion by writing letters of the alphabet with your tongue—thanks to Sam Kinison for this tip. Then change the font, or compose a sentence. This move should not be confused with flicking because you are using your tongue with steady-but-gentle pressure that allows for sensation to build. The majority of women prefer the slow building of sensation that comes from such repetitive motion. Another tip said to be attributed to Whoopi Goldberg: Cunnilingus aficionados should train by using Lifesavers: place the Lifesaver up against closed teeth and use unique tongue patterns and moves to make the candy dissolve. By studying the surface of the candy with your tongue—the hole, the raised writing, the edges, and the smooth parts—you are getting in great shape for exploring all the sides of a woman. And should you choose to practice this Lifesaver technique on the subway, no one will be the wiser.
253. The Power of Eye Contact.
Ladies, maintain eye contact when giving him oral or manual sex. Remember, men are visual creatures, and want to see you getting turned on while turning them on. So don’t hide behind a mask of hair or turn your head away from them. As one representative man said, “When she looks straight into my eyes with my penis in her mouth, it’s all I can do not to explode. It’s a total turn-on.”
254. The Ring and the Seal.
This tip is the key to giving great oral sex to your man. There are basically six components to great oral sex on your man, which I will teach you here. The first two moves are for preparation:
1. Create a RING with your thumb and forefinger while the other fingers mirror the shape of the index finger and wrap around the penis to create a tunnel.
2. SEAL that RING to your mouth, sort of like a little tube to your lips. Basically, you are extending the length of area with which you can pleasure your man. Once the RING and the SEAL are in place, you’re ready for the best oral sex of his life.
Keep in mind that there are three things that men say absolutely make entering a woman during sex so incredible: the combination of heat, pressure, and moisture. So in essence, with your hand “sealed” to your mouth, you are creating a pseudo-vagina with your hand and mouth. The beauty of this move is that your hand supplies the pressure, so no more bruises and teeth-marked inner lips, and no more sore jaw muscles from trying to create pressure while covering your teeth, the RING does that for you. The RING and SEAL do not separate.
3. Up/down. With your RING sealed to your mouth, which delivers the heat and moisture, establish a comfortable grip on his erect shaft and proceed to move in a continuous up-and-down motion along the length to create stimulation;
4. Twisting. At the same time, imagine the RING SEALED to the outside of your lips to be on ball bearings—made much easier if there is plenty of saliva or a lubricant of your choice—continuously and gently rotate your hand (remember, it’s sealed to your mouth);
5. Tongue in motion. At the same time, about a half inch of your tongue will extend into the notch between your index finger and thumb so that you can use the tastebud surface to maintain a hot/ warm back-and-forth stroke across the frenulum (that is the V-shaped area at the head of the penis on the underside);
6. And you will also be creating sensation in expanded areas away from the penis itself. With your free hand, stimulate another part of his body, inside of the thighs, nipples—and don’t forget his testicles—just remember to treat them like small, breakable eggs and you will be fine. Also, some men use a firm, stroking motion on their lower abdomen with their free hand when masturbating; you can mimic this while doing things orally to him by using the side of your hand like a little squeegee, making a firm stroke from the belly button area down toward the base of the shaft. Other options are to stroke across the perineum under the scrotum with your thumb. Watch your nails or bend your index and middle fingers; also use your smooth-knuckle area in a circular motion here.
255. Don’t Forget to Mind the Stepchildren.
To what am I referring here? Your man’s testicles. Why the name? During a ladies’ seminar, when we were discussing how a man’s testicles and scrotum are often overlooked (because so much of our attention is focused on the penis), a woman with a thick Texan accent announced, “Omigod, they are being treated like stepchildren; they are being totally ignored!” I thought I’d die laughing—even though I’ve been both a stepchild and a stepmother myself, and do not think this term is at all derogatory. But truly, ladies, more men want this tender area played with than they do their bottoms. The small, breakable egg rule applies here unless you are instructed to handle them otherwise. Some men want them sucked, some held, and some cupped by a hand up against the body. Some men like you to hold the scrotum, the bag they are in, away from the body by making a small circle with the index finger and thumb and gently stretching the skin away. Other men prefer the “take it home” move: when a woman uses a “come here” stroking motion with all her fingers underneath the scrotum.
256. Ladies, Strum the Frenulum.
A man’s frenulum is the quarter-size area at the underside of his penis. Most women refer to this place as the “V.” The word “frenulum” actually means mucous membrane attachment point, and for most men this area of nerve endings is a hotspot. It is more obvious on circumcised men, but equally, if not more so, as sensitive for uncircumcised men. When a woman strokes or sucks on it—using either her mouth, tongue, or fingers—she elicits tremendous and often intense sensation.
Ill. 31
So ladies, when you happen to be hovering in the general vicinity, remember to pay attention to this sensational area of his anatomy. But keep in mind that like your clitoris, this area can get overstimulated, so do not concentrate too long in one spot as you may numb him by being too intense, unless of course he asks for it.
257. The Ten Ways Women Can Be Stimulated to Achieve Orgasm.
Women can achieve orgasm in many different ways, specifically ten. The ten “operative ways” described in the tips below demonstrate the range of female sexual sensitivity—so next time you are roaming her body, just keep in mind that there is a possibility that you may induce an orgasm at any moment.
258. #1 CLITORAL
The most common form of orgasm for women, the clitoral orgasm, can happen through manual stimulation, oral stimulation, his penis (massaging against her clitoral area), his thigh, or by stimulation of toys such as dildos, or vibrators. Women describe this orgasmic sensation as a pulling-up-and-into the body. The nerve system being stimulated is the pudendal.
259. #2 VAGINAL AND CERVICAL
This type of orgasm is stimulated by deep pressure and stimulation within the vagina, or on the cervical area, usually through the in-and-out motion of the penis during intercourse or a toy. The nerve system involved is the pelvic/hypogastric, and women describe the sensation from stimulation of this area as a more all-over-body sensation and similar to a “bearing down” at the point of orgasm.
260. #3 G SPOT AND AFE (ANTERIOR FORNIX EROTIC) ZONE
The G spot is so-named because of a small, roundish tissue area felt through the lining of the front, or tummy, side of the vaginal wall, past the pubic bone. Some women can experience powerful orgasms through the manual or penile stimulation of this area. In the Playbook, you will find a GLM in which I present the step-by-step instructions used by Dr. Beverly Whipple (the researcher who named the G spot) for a woman to find her own G spot . . . should she wish to. But let’s not make it the sexual Holy Grail. For some women, the G spot orgasm is the Bomb, for others, stimulating this area does nothing. The AFE zone is also located inside the vagina, but farther up the vaginal vault, nearer to the cervix. Different from the G spot, which usually requires steady and firm stroking to lead to climax, the AFE is most effectively stimulated through quick, light strokes on the tummy side of the vaginal wall.
(stimulation during rear entry intercourse)
261. #4 URETHRAL (U-SPOT)
Located between the clitoral glans and the vaginal opening, the urethra is the place where urine exits the body. Some women can experience powerful orgasms with firm manual or oral pressure on this area and for some during intercourse (female-superior position 33 C). The reason for that is so physiologically simple: The urethra is surrounded on three sides by the body of the clitoris.
262. #5 BREAST/NIPPLE
Some women love to have their breasts and nipples fondled; others don’t. But for those who enjoy having their breasts and nipples stimulated, intense sensations can be created from light licking and hot breath all the way through to the intensity of firm pinching and nipple clips. Indeed, renowned sexologist and therapist Herbert A. Otto, Ph.D, claims in his book, Liberated Orgasm, that the breast/nipple orgasm is actually the second most common form of orgasm for women and the most common when seriously heavy petting was the norm before birth control was readily available.
263. #6 MOUTH
Unusual, but not impossible, this particular source of orgasm begins with the lips and radiates outward through the mouth, tongue, and down the throat. Like the breast/nipple orgasm, the mouth orgasm is more commonly reported when couples have extended heavy petting and kissing sessions.
264. #7 ANAL
Those who are comfortable with anal play are probably already familiar with how intense anal stimulation and anal orgasm can be—for either men or women. This type of stimulation can be done with the mouth (analingus), in which the tongue strokes around the rectum area, or through the insertion of fingers (watch your nails), toys, or penis. One analingus technique in particular is called Rose Petals, in which you move your tongue in tiny circular loops, as if you are tracing the sepals (the small green leaves at the bottom) of a rose, and then move your tongue in a circle around the rim of the anus (this is known as rimming).
265. #8 BLENDED/FUSION
This type of orgasm comes about when more than one area of the body becomes stimulated and then aroused at the same time. It’s common, for example, for a woman to experience a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal at the same time, and that is because the two separate sexual nerve systems are being stimulated at the same time, the pudendal (clitoral) and the pelvic/hypogastric (G spot). Men, too, have these two nerve systems pudendal (penis) and the pelvic/hypogastric (prostate).
266. #9 ZONE
This particular form of orgasm is one that occurs when an area not typically considered erotic or associated with the erogenous zones of the body becomes excited. If a woman becomes excited to the point of orgasm when her thighs are massaged, or feet rubbed, then they have experienced a zone orgasm. Men too have had orgasms from, as an example, having the sides of their necks rubbed.
267. #10 FANTASY
Just like it sounds, this form of orgasm occurs when some women (and men, too) can experience an orgasm through a visual or aural fantasy, using only their minds with no touching of their bodies.
268. Great Lover Moment: Cinematographers Rule.
I’m speaking of one cinematographer in particular, who told me about a wonderful way to give his lady a urethral orgasm during oral sex. During oral sex, while he is moving his tongue back and forth on her clitoris, he wraps his lower lip over his bottom teeth and presses up firmly onto the urethral glans. Since the urethra is surrounded on three sides by the clitoris, this pressure on the urethral area gives the clitoral region intense stimulation. Gentlemen, try a gentle up-and-down motion with your lip as you maintain pressure. Be sure to shave closely before doing this, so she won’t feel the stubble.
269. The Fab Four of Male Orgasm.
As to be expected, men and women experience orgasms differently. In general, men orgasm in four different places:
1. in the penis (usually accompanied by ejaculation)
2. in the prostate or anus
3. in the nipples
4. in the mouth from kissing
270. The Eight Ways Men Orgasm.
Similar to women, men can elicit an orgasm in numerous ways—eight to be exact.
1. Through intercourse
2. Through manual stimulation of the penis
3. Through oral stimulation of his genitals
4. Through stimulation of his prostate and/or anus
5. Stimulation of his nipples/breast
6. Blended, in which two areas are stimulated at once
7. Through mental stimulation or fantasy
8. Zone orgasm—two or more places at once
271. Anal Play—Debunking the Myths.
In my sexuality seminars, I am often asked to give my opinion of anal sex, and I respond that if anal sex gives you pleasure, then by all means, cede to and enjoy that pleasure. But for those of you who may remain a bit uncomfortable or who have questions about anal sex, I refer you to two books Tristan Taormino’s
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and Jack Morin’s
Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women. Ms. Taormino points out ten myths about anal sex. When giving your man or your lady anal pleasure, it’s important to be aware that these ten ideas are false (and I quote directly):
1. anal sex is unnatural and immoral
2. only sluts, perverts, and weirdoes have anal sex
3. the anus and rectum were never meant to be eroticized
4. anal sex is dirty and messy
5. only homosexual men have anal sex
6. straight men who like anal sex are really gay
7. anal sex is always painful for the person on the receiving end
8. women don’t enjoy receiving anal sex; they do it just to please their partners
9. anal sex is the easiest way to get AIDS
10. anal sex is naughty
Recently, there has been more anal sex shown in adult male porn; as a result, more men have been requesting to sample this pleasure with their ladies. Both of you need to feel comfortable with this request: remember, it’s up to you. For some people, anal play is the best thing they ever discovered, and for others, it is simply not an option. Your choice. The next few tips give you some added information about how to increase your pleasure during anal sex.
272. Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.
If you and your man enjoy anal stimulation, then it’s absolutely crucial that everything involved be clean: hands, anus/rectum area, and any toys. Wash all such equipment with antibacterial soap, and keep any anal toys separate from those that may be used vaginally. This is one time your mother was wrong about sharing: Your toys are to be used on you alone.
273. Relax.
It’s also important for you to relax the anal area as much as possible. What we do not get told clearly is the fact that there are two sphincters (muscle rings) in the anus: one is under voluntary control, and the other is under involuntary control. The first you can relax just by thinking about doing so; but the second requires that you use a finger or a toy to relax and dilate the opening so that penetration is a pleasurable experience. Try warming up the area by gently inserting your well-lubricated finger (or fingers) with only water-based lubrication into your lover’s anus before penetration. And use the following rule: one finger for one minute, two fingers for two minutes.
274. Around the Globe.
This tip will provide you with a global view of the six positions for intercourse. Although you may have heard that there are hundreds of positions for intercourse, there really are only six basic positions and everything else is a variation on a theme of those positions. Within these six basic positions are a multitude of options to create variety for whatever mood you and your partner may be in. Some couples like to try several positions during one lovemaking encounter—indeed, 2-3 positions is the average for each lovemaking session. As the accompanying illustrations indicate, there are several variations for each position. I suggest that you and your partner take a look at these together—not so much to memorize the positions and their variations (trust me, once you look at them, the information is stored in your brain), but to stir your appetite for variation itself. So, for your pleasure, here are the six basic positions.
275. #1 Female Superior
In this position, the woman is on top of the man. The degree of her angle (whether she is seated and vertical or more horizontal), will affect how much stimulation she creates for herself and her partner as it is the woman who controls the motion and amount of sensation. In illustration 33a, a woman can enhance her own G spot stimulation by arching her back during her vertical motions.
Some couples enjoy the teasing nature of illustration 33b. In this position the head of the man’s glans is kept right at the entry of the introitus, vaginal entry, for maximum sensation for both. The completion of this is often a firm downward stroke where the woman takes the entire length of the shaft inside of her after having highly aroused him. The woman may be either facing him or facing away. Illustration 33c shows a preferred position for women who enjoy strong urethral stimulation. And for those ladies who know their partners enjoy a rear view that combines strong glans stimulation, 33d is for them. She controls what works for her, while providing his desired scenery. The feet on the bed allows more vertical motion than just being on your knees, and he supports her with his arms.
Ladies, as you have seen, some men love when they have a view of their lovers’ derrieres; other men like watching their lovers’ faces as they move up and down. And some men get totally jazzed when women lower themselves onto them, starting at the top of the head, and moving down the body slowly. Of course, variety is the spice of life, so alternating is probably best. So, ladies, inquire and inspire.
Ill. 33a
Ill. 33b
Ill. 33c
Ill. 33d
276. #2 Male Superior
The man is on top in this position, AKA missionary style. Probably the most popular, it is also a favorite because it encourages kissing, caressing, and other forms of interaction between the two of you. Hence, it tends to be the most romantic. And contrary to what many may think, women don’t have to be passive in this position: They can remain quite active. Consider these two options: once the man has entered, you bend your knees and plant your feet on the bed/floor/surface and use the strength of your thighs and hip flexors to create the sensations you want. And you can also use your hands to fondle his testicles as seen in illustration 34a or insert a finger in his anus.
In illustration 34b, the important part of his body placement is how high up he is on the woman’s body. Use of a strong hip curl means that he will be in constant contact with her clitoral area. And in this position, the woman can also guide his angle by pulling him up her body with her arms.
For tighter clitoral stimulation, see the position illustrated by 34c. The man has entered the woman and then she closes her legs and his legs go to the outside. This enhances two things: more total-body contact and an increase in the tightness of entry. Look at the feet as well. By using her feet as a brace for motion, the man can maintain much more effective clitoral stimulation with shorter strokes instead of the longer in and out of usual male-superior intercourse. Other orgasms that can be achieved in this position are the urethral and vaginal/cervical.
Position 34d shows how a man can control the angle of his penis inside of the woman to stimulate her G spot, while she can adjust the tilt of her pelvis to the desired angle.
Ill. 34a
Ill. 34b
Ill. 34c
Ill. 34d
277. #3 Side by Side
In this position, the man and the woman lay side by side, either facing each other or with one behind (usually the man, for obvious reasons). This position is warm and comforting rather than high energy. Spooning is a position many couples like to fall asleep in. And should the mood move them, side by side is also good for Middle of the Night Sex (see illustration 11, page 138). Some women don’t like this position because there is less penetration; but men prefer it because they usually last longer before coming. When the man is behind the woman, while he is inside of her, he can gently fondle her genitals as seen in illustration 35a. Women love this double sensation on the clitoris and inside, filling them up. Should you want to explore G spot stimulation in this position, look at illustration 35b. By using the combined strength of your arms, you can easily adjust your angle and depth of penetration. And for those who are not questing for the G spot, this is a variety favorite to add to their options. Illustration 35c is a Great Lover favorite for post-coital glow. You can easily rest and still maintain maximum connection.
III. 35a
III. 35b
III. 35c
278. #4 Rear Entry—AKA Doggie Style
In this position, the man enters the woman from behind—from either a kneeling or standing position. This position (illustration 36a) allows a man the deepest level of penetration, and as a result, it is a very popular among women, especially those who enjoy G spot stimulation. And women who have delivered vaginally have a better ability to orgasm from G spot stimulation in this position. Why? Because the vagina is more flexible post-delivery, so the head of his glans will stroke firmly over the appointed spot more easily. And the woman can vary both the G spot and depth of penetration intensity of this stroke merely by raising or lowering her shoulders. Some Great Lovers find this to be one of their hottest fantasy positions. Many men love this position for quick, passionate, high-energy sex—why? Because of the intense glans stimulation, they tend to come very quickly! I’ve also been told by my field researchers that some men love the intensity of the smell of sex when making love in this position. Men also say they like this position because they can feel their thighs slapping up against the back of hers. Oh, and did I mention they love the more animal nature of this? The only caveat for men on this position is to not to have so much “swing” they make their scrotums sore. For those who prefer rear entry with less motion, 36b illustrates a seated option—one many have used to advantage thanks to large skirts, and in spas.
Ill. 36a
Ill. 36b
279. #5 Sitting/Kneeling
This position is similar to female superior because the woman sits or kneels atop the man. This is a great position for when a woman is pregnant because there is less penetration, and the position directs the penis to the vaginal roof (as seen in illustration 37a) instead of putting pressure on the back of her cervix. But it’s also a great transition position—for those couples who like to vary their positions throughout a lovemaking session—which is just about all of us. A woman can also have a clitoral orgasm quite easily in this position—through manual stimulation by her lover or herself—as he is penetrating her. Some women also find they can come vaginally by adjusting the thrusting motion. In illustration 37b, you can see a creative way for the woman to use the strength of his thighs to control motion while giving herself firm vertical motion.
The Better Than Sex position (illustration 37c) is a favorite for intense stimulation for both partners. This is also a great position for strong stimulation of the G spot front vaginal wall from his penis, as well as very strong glans stimulation for him due to the angle of entry into her vagina. Other plusses of this position include making it easier for the woman to go into her own space by closing her eyes while stimulating herself with her own hand on her clitoris, and the man’s additional bonus of seeing her breasts move with his thrusts and watching her face get flushed with the sensation. Also, he can show off all the work he has done at the gym by flexing and showing her his “Big Guns” in action.
Ill. 37a
Ill. 37b
Ill. 37c
280. #6 Standing
I would advise couples not to do this position without support—a wall, a chair, against the bed. While I trust you are all well balanced, this position may challenge the best of you. The Standing position packs a powerful punch because you have more overall muscular contractions throughout your entire body, which in turn enhances the sexual response. This tip comes from my Russian tailor: When having sex on stairs, as seen in illustration 38a, have the woman stand on the upper step and place one leg over the railing and then the man can enter her and they both can maintain motion and balance by holding the railing. He can also hold on to her garter belt—see, they do have a function after all. Should you choose to do things from behind, say on a balcony while watching the sunset, option 38b would be your likely choice.
Ill. 38a
Ill. 38b
281. Great Lover Moment: Be Your Own Judge of Arousal.
One woman in a sexuality seminar made an important point about the pressure some women feel to become aroused. As she put it, “Men have erections to show their arousal, but what do we have to show? Erect nipples and a budding clitoris? I don’t think so.” My advice, ladies, is to be calm and sure about your own arousal. Don’t think it has to show. Typically, he will know you are aroused by a combination of the changes in your breathing rate and your lubrication.
282. Mindful Breathing Techniques That Enhance Sexual Experience.
It’s all in the breath. You’ve all probably heard this advice before. But when it comes to sex, learning how to breathe more consciously has tremendous power to not only enhance overall body stimulation, but also extend orgasm. This is a simple but powerful technique to use during sensation buildup, near the point of orgasm, or both. Some couples practice first while self-pleasuring to get acquainted with the body sensations:
• Step One—hold your breath and note the sensation, then do regular deep breaths and see how the sensations expand and deepen
• Step Two—continue with regular deep breaths
• Step Three—as you wish to increase the sensation, start panting just before orgasm and feel these panting sensations expand throughout your entire body and fill your head
283. Exploring the Yoni and Lingam—Tantric Techniques of Sexual Pleasure.
There has been a lot written about, spoken about, and advertised about Tantric sex, much of it less than accurate, less than helpful, or both. Essentially, Tantric sex is an expanded form of yoga used by a couple to achieve spiritual enlightenment. In sexual terms, the most primary intention is to connect more deeply and not to rush to mere orgasmic gratification. In Tantra one delays orgasm as long as possible in order to open up the body, and thereby the soul, to allow for as much sensation as possible. When the body is so open, you are then better able to experience a union that is both spiritual and sexual with your mate. By opening your bodies, as a couple, to this degree and breadth of sensual (and sexual) awareness, you automatically and inevitably open yourselves up to a deeper spiritual connection. As Charles and Caroline Muir say in their enchanting book, Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving, “Many of us aspire to spiritual growth. But we also desire to grow with a partner. Tantric yoga was the path couples chose thousands of years ago to satisfy this dilemma, since the Tantric discipline allows men and woman to have a mate, to enjoy sex, and to experience spiritual fulfillment, often simultaneously.” Among the common techniques that couples use to get into a “Tantric state of mind” is to regularly practice meditation, harmonic breathing (in which they learn to breath in synchronicity), as well as other techniques that awaken, purify, and activate the seven chakras of the body. (If you are interested in learning about Tantric yoga and the energy chakras, please consult the bibliography for further reading.) Here, I’ve selected four techniques as described by Charles and Caroline Muir that I believe can give a couple—either beginners, intermediates, or advanced students—a very special experience.
• Contacting Three Points of Pleasure. This technique is part of a ritual called “nyasa,” an advanced form of Tantric touch that charges and awakens the chakras. The woman is in the female-superior position, kneeling above her lover with her chest close to his. The man is deeply inside of her, trying to establish contact with her G spot (AKA sacred spot) with his penis. At the same time, with his index and middle fingers on either side of his penis, the man then places gentle pressure on the woman’s anus with his index finger, which adds continued pressure on the woman’s G spot, from his penis’s opposite direction. Meanwhile, the man presses his middle finger lightly against the woman’s clitoris. Being careful not to move, the man then alternates pressure on the three points of pleasure—the G spot, the anus, and the clitoris.
• Uniting the Energy Poles. In this technique, the man places gentle pressure from inside on his lover’s G spot with his index and middle fingers, while simultaneously his thumb gently stimulates her clitoris. For increased sensation, he can rest his other hand on the mons of her pubic bone, thereby pressuring her G spot from the outside. Again, movement should be kept to a minimum.
• Kneeling at the Gate of Pleasure. This technique begins in a male-superior position, with the man inside of his lover; however, he is penetrating her before he is firmly erect. Once the couple is comfortable in this position, the man then lifts the woman’s legs onto his shoulders (without withdrawing), and shifts into a kneeling position. From here, he inserts one or two fingers inside of his lover’s vagina to gently massage her G spot. His fingers not only stimulate her sacred spot, but also his own penis, which is still inside of her.
• Heart to Heart Loving. This technique is performed in Yab Yum position, a position unique to Tantra [Illustration 39.] With the lingam (penis) deep inside the yoni (vagina), the nipples of both partners touch. The man begins by breathing out, conscious of his breath and energy moving upward, while at the same he focuses on his penis extending energetically deeper inside of his lover. The woman breathes in her lover’s breath, becoming conscious of receiving his energy and pulling it upward through her body into her heart. She then exhales, and the man breathes in her heart energy, bringing it down through his heart to his penis. There is a great visualization component here, with both lovers seeing with their mind’s eyes the exchange of energy between them, as it moves between them—heart to heart. Indeed, the Yab Yum position in essence allows for this deep spiritual connection of two hearts, uniting them as one.
Ill. 39
284. The Deer Exercise for Men.
This tip highlights the many benefits of extending male sexual arousal and holding back ejaculation. According to Charles and Caroline Muir, when a man learns how to control ejaculation, “He is able to make love for extended periods of time—in fact for as long as he chooses.” This increases not only his pleasure, but his lover’s pleasure as well—for by arousing her more slowly, he increases her ability to orgasm as well as the intensity of her orgasm once she releases. But men also benefit: the longer a man engages in lovemaking, the more he decreases his refractory period (the time lapse between erections). As the Muirs say, “Since he hasn’t spent his sexual energy, he’s able to make love again if he wants to, or if his beloved does.”
Another expert in the field of sexology, Dr. Stephen Chang, author of the very interesting The Tao of Sexology, suggests that men practice The Deer Exercise in order to learn how to extend their arousal cycle and control their ejaculation. The exercise can be done standing, sitting, or lying down, and is performed in two stages, and is best done without clothing. Here is what Dr. Chang suggests:
First stage. The first stage is meant to encourage semen production.
1. Rub the palms of your hands together vigorously to create heat.
2. With your right hand, cup your testicles so that the palm of your hand completely covers them. Without squeezing, allow the heat of your hand to gently pressure the testicles.
3. Place the palm of your left hand on the area of your pubis, once inch below your navel.
4. With a slight pressure so that a gentle warmth begins to build in your pubic area, move your left hand in a clockwise or counterclockwise circle eighty-one times.
5. Rub your hands together again in a vigorous motion.
6. Now reverse the position of your hands, so that your left hand cups your testicles and your right hand is on your pubis. Repeat circular rubbing in the opposite direction another eighty-one times.
As you complete each eighty-one-set cycle, make sure that you concentrate on what you are doing and feel the warmth grow. Concentration is necessary to enhance the results.
Second Stage—This stage tones and strengthens the man’s PC (pubococcygeus) muscle.
1. Tighten muscles around your anus and draw them up and in. When done properly, it will feel as if air is being drawn up your rectum. Tighten as hard as you can and hold as long as you can.
2. Stop and relax a moment.
3. Repeat the anal contractions. Do this as many times as you can without feeling discomfort.
In this second stage, focus on a tingling sensation ascending upward from the anus into your lower back. Both exercises can be done daily, weekly, or monthly, and Dr. Chang assures men that they will see immediate results.
285. The Washcloth Trick.
Here is another exercise to strengthen and enhance a man’s PC muscle and his sexual responsiveness, and is done most easily in the shower, but you can really do it anywhere you wish. Lay a washcloth across your erect penis. Start by using a dry washcloth as a form of resistance and then graduate to a wet one. Try making your penis jump up and down. If your penis does not actually move, try to do so isometrically. As you become more comfortable, try to practice making the penis jump when erect and do so 2-3 times a day for 2-3 minutes at a time. Behind the Washcloth Trick is further scientific evidence of a direct correlation between orgasmic intensity and a well-toned PC muscle, which of course makes sense since orgasmic pulsations are muscular contractions.
286. Male Multiple Orgasms.
Male multiple orgasm occurs when a man experiences more than one orgasm with the same erection. In other words, after an orgasm, he does not lose his erection or go through what is referred to technically as the refractory phase. Instead, he remains erect and he has not ejaculated. Most people assume that a man’s orgasm and ejaculation are one and the same event, occurring at the moment of peak sexual excitement. Now, I would never dare to argue that two events experienced as one is nothing less than a divine experience; however, for men who experience multiple orgasms, they are aware of the separation of these two events.
So why would on a man want to become multi-orgasmic? Sexual parlour tricks aside, those who have experienced it say their orgasms become longer lasting and more intense and enable a man to prolong lovemaking. As Karl shared, “In two months I went from skeptical to being multiply orgasmic and the self-confidence it gave me has been incredible.” For most men, the ejaculation process is about two seconds and this allows a man to extend that process and the sensations involved. The key to a man becoming multi-orgasmic is a well-toned PC muscle and understanding your own ejaculation process, including the timing. Be clear that there are two parts to the ejaculation process: emission (the gun gets loaded) and expulsion (the gun gets fired). When a man is able to control the expulsion phase, because of his awareness of his physiological response and a well-toned PC muscle, he can voluntarily delay or prevent ejaculation. A man will still experience the full sensation of orgasm—complete with rapid heart rate, muscle contractions, and the intense sensation of release. Some men refer to this as a dry orgasm. Any practice of withholding of ejaculation, delaying orgasm, conserving chi, (AKA the life force), all get lumped into this same area. What distinguishes them is the philosophy behind them. For Tantric sex the delay is about the journey of sharing physically and spiritually while blending the energy of partners. For Taoists, delaying orgasm has the practical consequence of deepening the sexual experience. For men who wish to explore these avenues further, there are two terrific books available, Mantak Chia’s The Multi-Orgasmic Male and Dr. Barbara Keesling’s, How to Make Love All Night. Both of these books have clear, step-by-step programs, with Chia using line-drawn illustrations.
287. Female Multiple Orgasms.
In comparison, a female multiple orgasm is defined as more than one orgasm in the same lovemaking session. So why do women get off with a broader scope of definition so to speak? The answer is physiological. Blood and oxygen power orgasms, and for women, the increased blood in the pelvis as a result of the sexual stimulation, the vasocongestion of the sexual organs, does not flow out of their sexual organs at the moment of orgasm in the way it does for men who ejaculate. According to Joel Black and Susan Crain Bakos’s book,
Sex over 50, women experience three types of multiple orgasms:
• Compound singles, in which each orgasm is distinct and separated by a partial return to an unaroused state
• Sequential multiples, in which orgasms occur two to ten minutes apart with a minimal reduction in arousal between them
• Serial multiples, in which a woman experiences numerous orgasms separated by mere seconds or minutes, with no diminishment of arousal. Some women say this feels like one long orgasm with spasms of varying intensity
288. Kegels, Kegels, and More Kegels.
This exercise is a standard but powerful exercise for women to increase their sexual sensitivity. By now, we have all heard about Kegels, and most of us know that as long as you have good muscle control, no problems from episiotomies, or other psychological issues, there is no surer way to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor than by doing this simple exercise. And remember, as I told the men in the tip above, there is a direct correlation between a toned PC muscle and the intensity of your orgasms. A woman can check her own muscle tone by inserting her fingers into her vagina and then tightening around her fingers. If the muscles surrounding your fingers feel like a thin line, chances are you have some PC muscle work to do. If the muscles create the sensation of a broad, 1/2-inch band, then you are probably in good shape. By doing more Kegels, however, you can go from good to great. The easiest way for you to identify the PC muscle group is by squeezing those muscles that stop the flow of urine. When you stop your flow during urination, you are actually contracting the PC muscle floor and improving their tone. You might be surprised how strong these muscles become once they get going. As with doing any muscle work, vary the degree of contraction, starting with short, intense contractions, holding for ten seconds, and then relaxing for ten seconds. Then tighten again for five seconds, and repeat the cycle until your muscles feel fatigued. Bryce Britton, MS, author of The Love Muscle, suggests that after five weeks of doing these Kegel exercises three times daily for five minutes, the woman’s PC muscle will become noticeably more toned, and the man will sense her increased tightness.
289. The Instruments.
Aside from straight Kegel exercises, you can take the intensity up a notch by adding weight resistance. The Vaginal Weight Lifting Egg and The Kegelcisor both act in the same way. They give a woman resistance to contracting the PC muscle and increase its workload and speed in toning. Both of the items mentioned above work the same way. First, they give your PC muscle something concrete to squeeze; and second, by adding the weight, you increase the resistance, so your muscle actually works harder. Similar to the way isometric exercises work, the Vaginal Egg is inserted like a tampon; it too has a string that allows for easy removal. And like a tampon, the Egg allows a woman to walk around and do light work while wearing it, providing heightened awareness of the PC muscle working to keep it in. Additionally, the woman can add weight to the egg’s string to increase the speed of results. Some women have done tip 291 (Hip Rolls) while wearing their eggs. The Kegelcisor is inserted halfway and is used while lying down. Best to watch in a mirror and get personal feedback on your contractions.
290. Great Lover Moment: Ladies, Suck Him into You.
This tip came from a woman, let’s call her Christine, who shared in a seminar how to give a man the sensation of being sucked into you. During intercourse, just as the head of his glans is about to enter the woman, she breathes out as much as she can; and then, milliseconds later, just as the head has started to enter her, she breathes in very deeply while at the same time strongly contracting her PC muscle. When Christine first did this, her boyfriend exclaimed, “What did you just do? It feels like you just sucked me into you.” Quite a neat trick, wouldn’t you say, ladies?
291. Hip Roll, Here We Come.
For those of you who have a dance background, hip rolls are a great way to tighten the entire pelvic floor. One mother of four, and a recent grandmother, who has been an erotic dancer for twenty years said her boyfriends have all said she is the tightest woman with whom they have ever been. She totally attributes her incredibly toned PC muscles to the constant hip rolls of her dancing career. For those of you without a dance background, here is how they’re done:
1. Stand with your feet hip-width apart.
2. Imagine there is a dotted line down the center of your body, from the crown of your head through the floor.
3. Imagine that the line extending down the center of your body has a pencil point on the end; your job is to make the point of that pencil draw circles with your motions.
4. Next, imagine that there is a dotted line circling your hips about two inches from your body. You are going to move your hips within that circle.
5. Now begin to roll your hips or move them in a circular motion, first in one direction, and then in the other. Try not to bend your knees, and instead let the motion come from your pelvic region.
The reason hip rolls work so well is that you are exercising all three of the pelvic girdle muscle systems, which all contribute to your sexual enjoyment and intensity. Some women have told me that they always remember to do their hip rolls before bed, right after they brush their teeth. One woman’s comments was, “My husband sees me doing those hip rolls, and I know I’m not going to sleep anytime soon.”
