Frequently Asked Questions and Other New Information on the Sexual Frontier

This section is filled with questions that frequently come up in my sexuality seminars. I figure, if people keep asking the same group of questions, there are plenty of other people out there who want to know the same information. I’ve also included in this section significant cutting edge or otherwise pertinent information that relates to sexual health that I think you would want to know. By nature, I have an insatiable curiosity for new information and realize after ten years there are many more like me who have the same information appetite.

324. How Do I Know If She’s Faking?

First I will explain why women fake it, and then I will guide you on how to tell physiologically if indeed she has faked an orgasm. This is a combination answer, addressing two things about the performance pressure on both sexes. Men are told they have to give a woman an orgasm or they are lovers of questionable ability; at the same time, women get the message that they have to have an orgasm in order to give evidence that he is doing the right things and they are appropriately responsive. Both sides of this message take away from the real purpose of intimacy: our enjoyment. When I have responded to men’s questions about how they can learn to tell when a woman is faking, I say this: “If you are going by the standard depictions in the media, chances are you won’t be able to tell.” Here is why. The depictions of female orgasmic response in the porn industry, men’s magazines, and bodice-ripping novels that have a woman swoon upon penetration and/or orgasm are woefully inaccurate. This programming would have us all believe that women yell like banshees, claw backs like animals, and lose consciousness—all thanks to their partner’s sexual prowess, his large member, his position either on top or from behind, thrusting like mad. And of course they orgasm together. Now that is not to say all of the above cannot happen in the heat and passion of sex, but these are not standard and shouldn’t be expected as inevitable. Sure, some women and men do experience orgasms this way; but definitely not all women and not all the time. That is like saying your sexual response has to be exactly like someone else’s. How absurd. Many women and men are very quiet and totally into the pleasure; while others tend to lose themselves in their body’s responses and make their distinctively personal sounds or exclamations. (Note: I said distinctively personal.)

But back to the subject at hand. A woman fakes it for two main reasons: 1) she does not want her partner to feel he is not doing a good job; and/or 2) she assumes or knows that she is not going to orgasm, so she fakes it to give a sense of completion to the sexual encounter. Why do women jump to this conclusion so easily? There are a few possibilities: 1) She may be prone to soreness or dryness; 2) They are doing something that isn’t working for her or she doesn’t like; 3) Or perhaps she is at a certain point of her cycle when she is less sexually sensitive. Many women report “just wanting to get it over with”—either in her own frustration, or in anger at her partner. But let me make this final statement: Men fake it too, and sometimes for the exact same reasons. For the record, gentlemen, here is how you tell if she has orgasmed: Pay attention to the first inch of the vaginal entry, which is where the involuntary (read: not under control) PC (pubococcygeus) muscle contractions occur as part of the orgasmic response. No woman can mimic the speed (0.8 of a second) and intensity of the contraction of the PC muscle during orgasm. She may be able to mimic the sounds, the breathing, the hip writhing, but not these little telltale contractions. As one man described it, “some women just seem to clamp down.”

325. How Do I Tell My Lover That I’ve Been Faking?

Very carefully. In this scenario, I would always suggest you err on the side of diplomacy rather than the harshness of broad daylight facts. With diplomacy as your guide, I would recommend taking what is already happening and expand on it, in the way that will create the sensations and pleasure you want or want to try. This is a much better tactic than telling your partner when he is in the middle of doing his best to please you. I will share with you that I know of a number of relationships that withered after a woman told a man she had been faking all along. If you remember, even Seinfeld, Mr. Sensitive himself, was mortified to find out Elaine had faked. So how do you get him to change what he is doing so you can have an orgasm without having to tell him you’ve been faking all along? Suggestions from women who have walked successfully through this minefield include: 1) Be clear on what he does that works and ask him to repeat your “favorite”; 2) If you’ve never actually experienced an orgasm with him, then try to build on what brought you the closest to the point of orgasm, or what felt the most pleasurable; 3) You can guide him by asking him if he is doing something different from the last time you were together. Let him know that you seemed to be feeling more or different sensations. Was he using a slightly different angle? Smoother fingertips? However you decide to address this issue, walk in his moccasins and think about how you would want to be told if he was the one who had been faking. You may decide you would not want to be told at all; and finally, 4) Stop Faking!!!!!! Men are the most amazing downloading devices. If you give them information/reactions that they think works, they will use this information again and again. So if you began by giving him inaccurate information, correct yourself and stop the cycle of sexual deceit. And if your relationship ends, he will take your bad information into his next relationship and no doubt tell the next woman, “Well, it worked for my old girlfriend.”

326. How Can I Have an Orgasm with Intercourse?

Let me begin by telling you that most women ask this question because they feel they should be able to orgasm during man-on-top intercourse. This pressure often comes from their partners and the culturing we have about sexual performance. Please be aware that most women orgasm from oral and manual stimulation (with or without a partner), and the reason is very simple. These forms of stimulation stay in constant and close, small-motion contact with the most sensitive areas of a woman’s genitals, especially her clitoris. Male-superior (man on top) intercourse often has the man breaking such contact due to his in-and-out pelvic thrusting.

But those women who do orgasm during penetrative intercourse often do so as a result of already being highly stimulated. During intercourse, they either get on top and are in charge of the motions and sensations, thereby controlling their own sensations and degrees of stimulation, or they have already reached orgasm from manual or oral stimulation or with a vibrator, and take this stimulation with them into intercourse. When a woman orgasms, she experiences a blood-rush to her pelvic region, and since orgasms are powered by blood and oxygen, this vasocongestion makes it easier for her to climax again during intercourse.

327. I’m Embarrassed to Tell My Husband I Fantasize During Sex. Is There Anything Wrong with That?

Okay, let’s start with removing the embarrassment factor. Know that you are in good company, as the majority of people fantasize in some manner or form and the “why” people fantasize is likely to make you feel even more comfortable exploring yours. Quite simply, they are using their brains and imaginations to kick-start, enhance, and add variety to their intimate experiences while remaining committed and monogamous. Think about it: in our day-to-day lives, we have constant role shifts and daydreaming/fantasizing occurs regularly. You are a wife, a mother, a daughter, and an accountant. All of these require you to assume different behaviors, and chances are you daydream about something you’d like to have, that vacation trip, that house, that car, be a size X. Have legs like hers, etc. So if you have these kinds of mental wanderings in daily public life, why wouldn’t you also let your mind wander into sexual territory as well?

Many people I speak with feel there must be something wrong or missing if they fantasize during sex about something sexual that 1) they have done before, 2) they haven’t done before, or 3) that involves someone other than their partner turning them on. No, it just means you have a memory of what works for you and there are ways to incorporate your preferences into your current relationship.

You should worry about such fantasies if they become the only condition that enables you to be intimate and sexually turned on. You should also be concerned if your fantasy could harm someone. If this is the case, then I suggest you consult a therapist to deal with the issue. In general, men often fantasize about two things: 1) having amazing prowess and 2) doing something to drive a woman out of her mind with pleasure. Women are more likely to fantasize about three things: 1) being seduced, 2) exercising the power of her sexuality, and 3) being so desirable that a man can’t resist her. For more ideas on how to initiate a fantasy with your lover, check out the Fantasy section.

328. What Is the Difference between a Fantasy and a Fetish?

A fantasy is the illusion or daydream one has about a specific experience. A fetish is an object that is required for the person to get sexually turned on; that object replaces another human being as the object of affection. For example, a man having a business lunch may get totally turned on by a woman in a short skirt and four-inch heels walking by, and fantasize about “doing her” over the hood of his waiting Mercedes while the valet watches. Whereas a fetishist, whose object of affection is a woman’s shoe, would see the same woman walk by, but be turned on by the shoes themselves. If the woman were naked and shoeless on a bed in front of him, he wouldn’t even blink, never mind become aroused. But if he were alone in a room with one or both of the woman’s shoes, then he would probably be very excited. Other common objects that inspire fetishes include leather, latex, rubber, and feet. Fetishes in and of themselves are not bad, rather if people overindulge in one form of sexual stimulation, it can get in the way of having a healthy, connected sexual relationship with another person. It’s a matter of keeping perspective. If you wish to spend your life making love to a shoe, go ahead. But don’t expect the woman wearing the shoe to be pleased.

329. How Can I Introduce Fantasies into My Relationship?

First, do some personal inventory work on the feelings, reactions, and sensations that you want to experience. To further create your custom-made fantasies, be specific about the feeling you want to evoke. Do you want to dominate him? Do you want her to “instruct” you? For example, a woman fantasizes about receiving great oral sex from her man. She can have this played out by being the naughty school girl who is taught a “lesson” about her body by her teacher, generally referred to as a submission fantasy. A man might imagine himself as a store window model for how to play an encounter out (exhibitionism). Or you might fantasize about having group sex and becoming part of a sex-club daisy chain.

Once you know what kind of experience you want to have, then just about any idea can be adjusted to fit your needs:

1. Being dominated/submissive—master/slave (many Halloween costumes have opened doors on this particular fantasy), school teacher/ student, judge/prisoner (perhaps the bad boy prisoner has to satisfy the domineering judge).

2. Being watched or watching—voyeurism/exhibitionism.

3. Being seduced or romanced.

4. Being so sexually hot he or she can’t stay away from you.

5. Group sex, multiple partners.

And whatever your personal choice may be, the real heat of role-play/ fantasies are the emotional feelings you want to evoke. And you need not dress up, although that often enhances the mood. Should explicit language be your choice, any scenario can lend itself to its use.

Once you have an idea of what gets you aroused and what scenario might elicit that arousal, then let your partner know there is something you’d love to try with him or her. To heighten the idea, you may consider starting this conversation in the morning or when you are not in the bedroom, to give both of your imaginations more time to build up anticipation. Also, name your source, as that is likely going to be your partner’s first question, “What brought this up?” Tell your lover the steamy scene in a film, such as the scene with Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez in Unfaithful. Or tell him or her something the two of you have done before and then add the new idea in. For instance, “The last time you washed my hair, I wanted you to . . .” You can find ideas in many places—check out some of the suggestions for erotic books and movies, which are great sources for fantasy.

330. How Can I Be Sure I Taste Okay for Oral Sex? I’m Afraid for My Boyfriend to Go Down on Me Because I Think My Scent Will Turn Him Off. What Should I Do?

Good health, cleanliness, and good grooming are the number-one ways to ensure that you will taste okay. And before you assume you don’t taste or smell okay, why don’t you ask your partner what he thinks? If you are too nervous to ask him, then try doing a personal taste test to see how you actually taste. All you need to do is insert your fingers vaginally and taste the secretions. Generally, most women tend to have a naturally slightly lemony taste. If you notice a fishy smell, then you may have bacterial vaginosis; if you notice a thick, white discharge, then you may have a yeast infection. Either of these two situations can lead some women to smell a bit strong. FYI: women will often develop a yeast infection after undergoing antibiotic treatment for a situation unrelated to anything sexual. If you suspect you may have an infection, then I suggest you get checked by a trained professional; if you self-diagnose and then use an over-the-counter medication, you often prolong the problem because of an incorrect self-diagnosis. Another thing to keep in mind: a woman’s scent changes throughout her cycle in reaction to vitamins, medications, or the food she eats.

331. I Worry That My Semen Tastes Too Strong. How Can I Be Sure?

Men can do the same taste test after they have masturbated—although his taste test is best done outside the shower with a hand catch instead of using a sock or towel. To adjust taste, there are two components: your natural chemistry in combination with your diet and fluid intake. Women have said men who often drink coffee or beer tend to taste more bitter; men who eat more protein tend to be “gummier” and vegetarians tend to taste “lighter.” Both sexes can tell from genital secretions if their partner has been smoking. Women can tell if a man has been doing cocaine and drinking by the taste of his ejaculate. Some women and men swear by the following to “lighten” their taste: pineapple juice, fruits such as melons, kiwi, and celery. Avoid cruciferous vegetables such as cauliflower or broccoli, and for many asparagus is a major no-no. Also, if one of you is having some highly seasoned or spicy food, the other must have some as well; to quote a Hungarian woman “Your chemistries must blend.”

332. My Partner Has Trouble Remaining Erect While He Is Pleasuring Me. What Can I Do?

There isn’t a lot you can do until it is your turn to concentrate on him. If while concentrating on you he loses some of the rigidity of his erection, that is to be expected and your partner is very normal in this regard. Erections during lovemaking are a bit like the phases of the moon: they wax and wane, cycling between semi-erect and fully erect depending on the type of stimulation and direct attention. Let us not be held hostage by the perception that a man has to remain ramrod stiff continuously during a lovemaking session. If he is pleasuring you orally, chances are he is lying on the bed and compressing his erection and not getting any physical stimulation at the same time; both of these events would contribute to losing some volume of his erection. As soon as your attention is turned back to him and you are stimulating him directly by whatever method you choose, he will return to being fully erect.

333. How Can I Get My Wife to Go Down on Me More Often?

I am going to answer this question assuming she already enjoys giving you oral sex occasionally. For the ladies in the audience, I will tell you what men have often shared with me, “There is no such thing as too much oral sex.” But I do want to clarify that men see oral sex as part of the lovemaking event, not its whole. What he so likes about oral sex is the heat, moisture, and softness of your mouth around his penis. “It feels so amazing.” And for the gentlemen in the audience, women would “go down on you” more regularly if they knew fellatio was an interlude in sex rather than the main event. The reason women are hesitant to engage in this activity is the assumption that it will be the main event, resulting in sore jaws, sore mouth, and/or gagging. It also means that once you orgasm, you won’t be having intercourse. If you know she worries about you ejaculating in her mouth, let her know with a signal when you are about to come, so she can prepare you and herself for completion. It should always be up to her whether she spits, swallows, or pulls away.

334. How Can I Achieve a G Spot Orgasm?

As Dr. Beverly Whipple (the scientist who named the G spot in recognition of Dr. Ernst Grafenberg) told me, women can find and stimulate their G spots by locating the dime-size area felt through the vaginal wall. The G spot is governed by the pelvic/hypogastric nerve system and feels different from the sensations created by the pudendal nerve system that enervates the clitoral area; also, because it is felt through the vaginal wall, it requires firmer stimulation for arousal.

The best way to achieve a G spot orgasm is after you have been highly aroused; for some women this means once they have already orgasmed. That way you will already be sexually stimulated and the tissue area of the G spot will be engorged (swollen) with blood and more easily felt. You may be able to feel the area more easily with rear-entry, doggie-style penetration, as that has the head of the man’s glans stroke firmly over the already engorged G spot area, or if you are lying on top of him. If you are using fingers or a toy, the most important thing is to maintain firm-variable pressure, and use your finger in a come-here motion on the designated area. The stimulated area will have a different texture than the surrounding tissue, often more ridgy. It will range in size from a dime to a quarter. At first it may feel like you need to urinate, which makes sense as the area lies along the urethra. As with all sexual and physiological experiences, it often takes a number of attempts to narrow down whether or not something works for you. Also, know that for some women this is an off-the-charts move; for others, you might as well put them in a cold shower—it does nothing.

335. I’d Really Like to Have Anal Sex More Often. How Can I Convince My Girlfriend/Boyfriend to Do It? Also, Why Are People So Interested in Anal Sex?

First, you should know there are four possible combinations for anal sex: women and men who have been asked to receive anal penetration from their partners and women and men who have been asked to perform anal penetration on their partners. Just in case you’re thinking that there is no way a straight man is into this, I can assure you that there are many totally straight men who are interested in exploring anal play—otherwise we would have no explanation for the growing popularity and demand for the Bend Over Boyfriend I and II video tapes.

If she is interested, it’s often an easier subject for a woman to broach. However, there are some men who feel that either wanting to give or receive anal sex means they have homosexual “tendencies.” Let me be clear on this point: A curiosity about or an enjoyment of giving or receiving anal sex will not make anyone homosexual—male or female. Nor does an interest in anal sex mean you are a latent anything—that’s rubbish. Any man who is homosexual or bisexual usually knows this about his sexuality long before the topic of anal play comes up. And finally, the idea that anal play has any connection to homosexuality is proven clearly false by the mere fact that many women love to be anally penetrated by their men.

For those who have never explored this erotic area, a common question is, “Why?” The simple answer is that the anal area is highly sensitive. Additionally: 1) this area has a high concentration of nerves; 2) the lips on our mouths are one end of the GI tract (gastro-intestinal) and the anus is at the other end. Since we know how sensitive our lips are to sensory stimulation, we can make the deduction that the anal region is equally as sensitive; 3) During preorgasmic contractions as well as during orgasmic contractions themselves, the anal sphincters rhythmically contract. When there is something (inserted) that provides resistance, such as a penis, anal toy, or harnessed dildo, the recipient experiences an increase in sensation.

People become curious about anal sex for a couple of different reasons: 1) they see it depicted in adult films and they find it interesting and/or 2) they know their partner enjoys anal penetration. As a regular practice in heterosexual relationship, anal sex is more common outside of the U.S.

For those of you interested in either giving or receiving anal penetrative sex, you do need to know that there are two sphincters in the anus—one under voluntary control, which you can relax yourself, and one under involuntary control, which requires a form of dilation—either via a finger or a toy. So it’s best to manually relax the anus before any penetration; a good rule of thumb I’ve been told is to use one finger for one minute and two fingers for two minutes to get the one sphincter to relax enough to have penetration and for intercourse to feel enjoyable. As a top OB-GYN has suggested, you will need to use generous amounts of water-based lubricant given the delicate tissue of this area and the fact that it is not self-lubricating.

336. If She/He Wants to Use Toys, What Does That Mean?

It means she/he has discovered new things to incorporate and make your sex life more fun. It does not mean you are not enough or enjoyable or that you no longer turn your lover on. To the contrary, a lover’s desire to play with sexual toys means that he or she has a higher than normal comfort factor with you and wants to take your sex life to a different level of exploration.

337. What Is the Normal Amount of Sex per Week? My Husband Wants It at Least Once a Day and I’m Too Tired.

This is a question that only the two people in the couple can answer; there isn’t a standard answer. For some couples, four times a week is just right and for others four times a month works. What I will say is that for the majority of men, when they are having sex on a regular basis, their world works better. More than one man has said regular sex with his spouse grounds him. For the majority of women who are mothers, sex will often take a backseat in priorities because they are so busy and exhausted. Sex can start to feel like just another chore to perform. This is a question that will always lead to countless magazine articles and studies, yet the truly hard facts are what works for you and your partner.

338. At What Age Do I Speak to My Children about Sex?

Sooner than you think. And rather than thinking I’ll wait until age ________, don’t wait. Otherwise, your children will be educated by their equally ill-informed peers and the media. There is one main thing parents want to do well—parent. There is one thing that preteens and adolescents want to do—grow up. And what is one of the biggest bastions of being an “adult”? Being sexual. The attitude of adolescents trying all that is ahead of them is as predictable as the seasons. In the face of such a fact of life is one of the more delicate formative discussions parents can have with their children, so please, oh please do not merely say, “Don’t . . .” We all know how effective that was for us. Rather than say “Don’t do it!”, try to relate an experience with, “I wish someone had told me this was how I’d feel” or “I wish someone had warned my friend about such and such.” If you have given them a responsible value system, your children will rely on those values throughout their lives and that includes the minefield known as adolescence.

339. What Is Female Ejaculation?

Before I describe the physiological sexual response called “female ejaculation,” I would be remiss if I did not set one part of this straight from the get-go. It is not a true ejaculation, for it is not a muscular contraction resulting in an expulsion of a fluid. The fluid from the paraurethral (on the side of the urethra) glands is ejected in a flow, squirt, or gush of fluid typically just before orgasm. The paraurethral glands and Bartholin glands act more like a salivary gland at the moment of expulsion. People who have tasted female ejaculate say that is has a taste unto to itself; some women taste sweet, others buttery. Women who have experienced this have said there is an all-over bearing-down feeling and a sensation like a need to urinate. It can be initiated by kissing, oral sex, G spot stimulation, or intercourse.

340. Do All Women Ejaculate?

Spaniard Francisco Santa Maria Cabello, one of the foremost researchers on female ejaculation, estimates from his studies that 70 percent of all women ejaculate a fluid from the urethra that is chemically different from urine. Now, that could mean occasionally, all the time, or only once. Of those women who do so, many regularly and proactively position a towel under their hips during sex. He also states that the reason most women are not aware of the fluid is that the amount is so small it is assumed to be part of the normally heightened vaginal secretions that accompany sexual excitation. The increased exposure of this totally normal physical response of some women has resulted in the porn industry developing another “new” market niche to exploit—hence the line of videos showcasing “squirters.” On the plus side, this emerging market has resulted in a general response of “Oh, thank God I’m not the only one.” Some women feel more validated. On the downside, the idea that some women are “squirters” has resulted in couples feeling pressure to achieve yet another sexual goal.

341. How Do I Suggest a New Position?

First, do not say you did it with someone else. If it is a variation on a theme of something you already do, consider assuming the “position” and then ask to have it repeated. Successful suggestions for new-idea sources are: illustrated books, videos, scenes from films, something a friend said he or she had tried and which sounded so good that you wanted to try it. Note: None of the aforementioned sources is about a personal experience.

342. Why Does My Girlfriend Use a Vibrator?

Because it is fast and quick—after all, no man is capable of creating 50,000 oscillations per minute. Now, having said that, rest assured, gentlemen, that for most women nothing will ever replace the feel of a man’s body. In much the same way, your hand may feel great, but is no comparison to a woman’s body. And should you be concerned about feeling left out while she does herself with a vibrator or other toy, do what most men do with electronic equipment and ask to take over the controls.

343. Will Using a Vibrator Desensitize Her to My Touch?

If she is able to climax from other stimulation, then she has already laid down a nerve response pathway. If she uses a vibrator exclusively, it may require her weaning herself off of its intensity.

344. Where Do I Find Sex Toys?

Just about anywhere, but feel free to consult the Resource List at the back of this book. However, let me give a few pearls of wisdom. Do not order from work; using a work computer for matters of a personal nature has been grounds for dismissal. When you order from any site/ store or catalogue, ask if they sell their database. If they do, think twice about placing your order. You will end up getting a steady stream of solicitations you may very well not want your entire household to see. Also, those stores and Web sites included in the source pages have been checked out by Lou Paget’s group, and if they represented that they do sell their database/mailing list, you are notified in our listings.

345. Will Toys Ever Interfere with Our Sex Life?

Only if you make the use of them the focus, not an addition, to your sexual pleasure. If toys become about performance rather than a means of exploration for your enjoyment, they can begin to interfere with your intimacy, and only the two of you know what your boundaries are. One thirty-something mother in Beverly Hills said, “It makes me crazy when my husband brings home a new toy every time he travels, which is often. I got to the point that I felt I was a lab rat being put into a testing room. When I finally told him I just wanted him, he told me his fear was I would leave if he didn’t make our sex life amazing, new, and woo-woo. I almost died when he revealed this, but given our twenty-five year age difference—he’s older—it made sense. But I could honestly tell him that I want only him, love handles and all. We still have an incredible collection of goodies, but now we focus on us, not on what’s new.”

346. I Would Really Love to Have My Wife Swallow When She Gives Me Oral Sex; How Should I Broach the Subject?

Is this a fantasy or has she done it before? If it is a fantasy, don’t tell her “ ’cause it’s so hot, baby.” That will inform her that it’s about someone else or you watching adult material. A better approach in this case is to tell her how it makes you feel accepted by her as a man. In both scenarios, a more moving comment to a woman is an honest statement of the impact on you as a man about how powerful it is to feel she is accepting one of the most masculine parts of you in her mouth. Corny, perhaps, but likely an easier sell than “I love seeing my seed in your mouth.” And my final point: It is her mouth and only she knows if and when she is comfortable to swallow.

347. My Husband Wants to Watch Erotic Movies Together; Does That Mean There Is Something Wrong with Our Sex Life?

No. It could mean a number of things, and cheers to him for saying he wants to watch them with you. This is likely his way of opening up the conversation about what he’d like to try, however clumsily that conversation overture may have been handled. Assuming you are there with him as an audience of two, you can obviously make your choices as well.

348. Is It Normal for Him to Masturbate?

As long as his masturbating is an adjunct to your sex life and not his sole outlet to exclusion of you. I would hazard a guess that since he tells you about his masturbation and does not try to hide it, he is comfortable with this as a natural part of his sexual life. Most men, including those who are married, happy, and sexually active with their wives, masturbate regularly—some rarely, some often. Many men say that masturbation is less a sexual act and more a physical release. Some women ask if it is different if their man masturbates in the shower versus in front of a porn film. My response is no, not necessarily. The important point to remember is whether or not the masturbation is done to your exclusion or to avoid having sex with you.

349. We Used to Have a Great Sex Life, How Do We Get the Spark Back?

Do you want it back? If so, do not expect anyone other than you to deliver it. If the spark was there before, it is still there, perhaps turned down, but still there nonetheless. In the beginning, when you were planning to be together, you made being together a priority and planned for it. How do you spell “date night” in America? I feel a bit like a broken record in this regard, but there are two main reasons for the lack of spark/intimacy for couples: 1) no time and 2) being tired. This sad state of affairs is especially true for parents. Couples whom I have seen work at keeping their sexual connection going do so with intention and planning. They do not take for granted that sex is going to happen out of thin air; they still plan for it—twenty years after their vows. They may be more accessible physically to each other, but that does not mean they take a great sex life for granted. For the parents: one must be very organized and a better planner. Check out Tips 147, 159, and 175 for ideas on how to plan for sex when you’re parents.

350. Viagra Is Not for Everyone.

Although many men have experienced and reported positive results with the use of Viagra, enabling them to attain erections and last longer, Viagra is not for every man. The product Web site provides these cautions: “For patients with preexisting cardiovascular disease, sexual activity may present a cardiac risk. VIAGRA has mild and transient vasodilatory effects. Physicians should consider the impact of resuming sexual activity and the vasodilatory effects of VIAGRA on patients before initiating treatment. Patients with . . . recent serious cardiovascular events, hypotension or uncontrolled hypertension, or retinitis pigmentosa did not participate in preapproval clinical trials. In these patients, physicians should prescribe VIAGRA with caution.”

Further, the Web site stated that “the most common side effects of VIAGRA were headache (16 percent), flushing (10 percent), and dyspepsia (7 percent). Adverse events, including visual effects (3 percent), were generally transient and mild to moderate.”

351. Great Lover Moment: Don’t Listen to Certain Stats.

A woman who recently attended one of my seminars voiced a common anxiety I hear from women: “Am I sexually dysfunctional if I don’t orgasm all the time?” I think her concern is directly related to the much-publicized statistic that came out a couple of years ago that 43 percent of women are sexually dysfunctional. This statistic is completely misleading, as Dr. Leonore Tiefer pointed out in a 1999 study. The 43 percent stat was based on an incomplete and cursory poll done in 1994, and yet the number was widely bandied about by the media, making women across the country question their sexual functioning. In her book with Ellyn Kaschak, Ph.D., A New View of Women’s Sexual Problems , Dr. Tiefer says that the medical establishment does not begin to represent women’s sexuality, the problems they are experiencing, or their causes. In the wake of this “new myth,” Dr. Tiefer has spearheaded a new organization called FSD-Alert.org (FSD is female sexual dysfunction), to look at how women’s sexuality should be studied and understood.

352. The Skinny on Pheromones.

We’ve all heard talk about the power of pheromones, chemicals released by the brain and body, to communicate sexual attraction or interest between males and females. And while most of these studies are based on animals and insects, recent technology has been able to measure the effect of pheromones between humans. However, within the scientific community, questions remain as to whether or not we actually communicate with one another at this level. Studies in the 1980s by Martha McClintock, a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago, showed how pheromones helped to synchronize ovulation and menstruation of women who live together. Now new research indicates that men exposed to the chemicals a woman secretes when she is ovulating observe a spike in testosterone levels. The researcher, Astrid Juette, a psychologist at the University of Vienna in Austria, said her work was the “first time that someone has shown that men differentiate between women at different stages of their menstrual cycles.” However, some scientists still question whether we really do respond to the pheromones of others. “Human vomeronasal organs (VNO) channel these odors from the nasal passages to the limbic system, but how, they argue, are these odors received and to what end?” From Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 36, No. 12, Dec 2002.

353. Alabama and Sex Toys.

An Alabama law criminalizing the sale of sex toys was deemed unconstitutional in October 2002. In a district court ruling, the 1998 Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act was tossed out for being “unnecessarily intrusive,” as reported by Contemporary Sexuality (Vol. 36, No. 11, Nov 2002). Why would they need to ban sex toys? Too many people having too much fun?

354. Infants Like Leather?

New research indicates that “leather clothing as an accessory to sexual activity may have its roots in skin eroticism.” Skin eroticism begins in infancy, with the mother’s caressing touch of an infant, helping the baby become sensitive to the sensual world within and without. Further “clinical evidence suggests that such pleasurable physical interactions [with the mother] help to immunize the child against the future development of body and gender dissatisfaction and are also crucial to the development of a coherent, integrated body image” (Provence & Lipton, 1962). Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 36, No. 11, Nov 2002.

355. The Truth about Circumcision.

In this country, circumcision is largely performed in hospitals, by medical personnel, but its origins are decidedly religious and cultural. Extending before Jesus’ apparent circumcision (Luke 2:21) and referred to directly in the Old Testament, “Every male shall be circumcised. You shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskin, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and you” (Genesis 17:10-11). But the roots of this increasingly contentious procedure reach far deeper into the past than just two millennia. Depicted in ancient Egyptian bas reliefs, circumcision has been called by some a form of social control or a mark of cultural identity like a tattoo or body piercing. But the surgery didn’t become routine among American medical practitioners until the late nineteenth century. Today, it’s the sensation of pain at the time of male circumcision—and a perceived loss of sexual pleasure in the decades after the surgery—that has given rise to an anticircumcision movement in the U.S. Organized efforts to change attitudes and policy toward the surgery began soon after the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Committee on the Fetus and Newborn declared in 1971 that “there was no valid medical indication for circumcision in the neonatal period.” In the mid-1970s, four out of every five males in the U.S. had been circumcised. Today, the rate has fallen to 61 percent. Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 36, No. 10, Oct 2002.

356. Smoking and Teenage Sex.

Of all risky behavior, parental smoking is most closely associated with teenage sexual activity according to a study published in The Milbank Quarterly, a health-care policy journal. The survey of 19,000 youths in grades seven through twelve found that adolescents whose parents smoked were 50 percent more likely than children of nonsmokers to report having had sex, and more of them report having had sex before age fifteen. “I think that parents who smoke provide a model of unsafe behavior and create an atmosphere where it’s okay to live on the edge,” said Dr. Esther Wilder, as assistant professor of sociology at Lehmann College and author of the study. (The New York Times, 9/3/02.)

357. Seniors and Sex.

Recent research on the sex life of seniors has illuminated what was once rarely thought of, much less asked about. AARP/Modern Maturity Sexuality Study, conducted in 1999, found that 44 percent of women and half of men seventy-five years and older believe that “a satisfying sexual relationship” is important to their quality of life. That said, half or less of all those 75 years old or older were “very” or “somewhat” satisfied with their sex lives, indicating that a lot of them are less satisfied. But one caveat was posed by sexual educator Peggy Brick, “one of my concerns is there seems to be a push in the sexology community that older people are very sexual. It’s very genitally focused. Some may not be, in terms of having intercourse.” It may simply mean touching or cuddling. Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 36, No. 9, Sept 2002.

358. HPV Less in Circumcised Men.

A study published in The New England Journal of Medicine suggests that circumcised men are less likely to infect their female partners with the human papilloma virus (HPV) than uncircumcised men with poor hygiene in instances in which the men have had six or more partners. Further, certain strains of HPV (numbers 16 and 18) are associated with cervical cancer in women. Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 36, No. 5, May 2002.

359. Virtual Reality Sex.

An Australian inventor has a new way for long-distance lovers to engage in sex: virtual reality sex. Dominic Choy of New South Wales is attempting to patent his online computer technology, reports New Scientist magazine. The two lovers don virtual reality visors from wherever they are and use touch and sound sensors to issue signals to their partners across the globe. The technology also allows participants to alter the appearance of their virtual partners, transforming their images, for instance, into that of their favorite celebrity. This added feature may interfere, so watch those celebrity fantasies. Reuters, January 17, as quoted in Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 35, No. 2, Feb 2001.

360. Fantasies Worldwide.

Erotic fantasies fill the minds of three-quarters of people on the globe, but less than half ever act them out according to a poll released by Harlequin Enterprises, a publisher of romantic books. South America led in fantasy thinking with 95 percent of Argentinians and Chileans admitting to an active fantasy life. Japan came in last, with only one out of two people acknowledging their wandering minds. Reuters, January 16—polled 5,000 men and women.

361. Chastity Belts Are Back, Sort Of.

Several companies are selling modern versions of the medieval device on the Internet. In both the Middle Ages and the twenty-first century, the purpose of the chastity belt is to prevent the wearer from having sex with anyone else—regardless of whether the belt is used seriously or not. Made of plastic, so it doesn’t set off metal detectors, the new chastity belt costs $159.95 and weighs five ounces and comes in hot pink. Oh, and one more thing, these are made for men! Contemporary Sexuality, Vol. 35, No. 6, June 2001.

362. Intersex: More Common Than Cystic Fibrosis.

“ISNA (Intersex Society of North America) estimates that about 1 in every 2,000 babies is born with an intersex condition, based on the number of newborns referred to ‘gender identity teams’ in major hospitals. At this frequency, intersex (formerly referred to as hermaphroditism, a term ISNA wants to ban) is more common than cystic fibrosis, whose incidence is about 1 in 2,300 live births. Intersex people are born with ‘ambiguous, outsized or tiny genitalia’ making their gender indetermined—most boys with ‘tiny’ penises were made into girls by cutting off the penis, and most girls with ‘outsized’ genitalia were cut because the clitoris was seen as ‘too big.’ ” Intersex means that “ ‘a person with an intersex condition has some parts usually associated with males and some parts usually associated with females, or that she or he has some parts that appear ambiguous (like a phallus that looks somewhere between a penis and a clitoris, or a divided scrotum that looks more like a labia).’ ” From Fathering Magazine, November 20, 2002 as reprinted in Contemporary Psychology, December 2002.

363. Sex As Prevention.

Sex twice a week may prevent the common cold, say researchers at Wilkes University, Pennsylvania. After studying the sex habits of undergraduate students, researchers concluded that students who had sex once or twice a week had one third more immunoglobulin A (IgA) in their saliva. Elevated levels of IgA protect us from colds, flu, and other infections. Surprisingly, more sex is not better. Researchers found that those students who had sex more than three times per week had lower IgA levels than those who rarely had sex or had no sex at all. Moderation seems to be the key. Healthy Immunity, newsletter.

364. Birth Control Pills and Vitamin Depletion.

Birth control pills have been seen to deplete a woman’s body of vitamin C, B12, B2, folic acid and magnesium. If you’re on the pill, make sure that you take a vitamin supplement. Drug Induced Nutrient Depletion Handbook, Morton Publishing Co.

365. Birth Control: The Choices Expand.

Sterilization, birth control pills, and the male condom are the most widely used forms of birth control in the U.S. But researchers are promising “a new era in birth control” options, with many new forms being introduced in upcoming months. According to a recent WNBC. com gathering of information, here is a listing of those currently available:

• Reality female condom—sold without a prescription, it is a lubricated polyurethane sheath that is slipped, closed-end first, into the vagina. The open end remains outside, partially covering the labia. The Reality is held in place internally by an adjustable, small diaphragm-like ring at the end. A favorite for couples who want anal protection because of the size and strength of the polyurethane. For anal use, one merely slips out the position ring.

• Diaphragms—available by prescription and sized by a health professional for proper fit. Women apply a spermicide before inserting it until the dome-shaped disk covers the cervix.

• Cervical cap—available by prescription and sized and used similarly to a diaphragm.

• Depo-Provera—a contraceptive hormone injection given by a health professional every three months.

• IUDs—T-shaped devices inserted into the uterus by a health professional that work for up to one year, five years, or ten years, depending on the type.

• Vaginal spermicides—available without prescription in foam, cream, jelly, film, suppository, or tablet forms. The active ingredient in spermicides, nonoxynol-9, has been shown to be very irritating to some women and men.

• Preven kits—a collection of morning-after pills and a pregnancy test. This emergency contraception may prevent pregnancy up to three days after unprotected sex.

• Lunelle—a contraceptive hormone injection given by a health professional every month.

• Nuvaring—a flexible, polymer, vaginal ring that a woman wears three weeks a month to prevent pregnancy. It releases a continuous, low dose of a combination of estrogen and progestin hormones.

• Ortho Evra—the first birth control patch, worn three weeks of the month. The weekly application of the thin 1¾" square delivers a consistent transdermal dosage of estrogen and progestin.

• Essure—a tiny, springlike device that is inserted into a woman’s fallopian tubes, where it causes scar tissue to grow and permanently plug the tubes.

 

Whatever your choice of birth control, make that choice in an informed manner and in a way that fits your lifestyle. The Today Sponge is also coming back into production in Canada in April 2003.