Introduction
A little over ten years ago, I began organizing women’s focus groups on the subject of sex. I wanted information about sex that was accurate, reliable, and helpful and not tied to the myths and misleading depictions of the adult-male porn industry—and I knew other women wanted this information as well. What I didn’t anticipate was that my small, informal discussion groups would explode in popularity and that I would establish a new career as a sexuality educator. Suddenly dozens, then hundreds, then thousands of women and men began contacting me with the same questions I had originally raised. In order to respond to this hunger for information, I have given sexuality seminars for women, men, and couples around the world, and I have written three books, How to Be a Great Lover, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, and The Big O.
365 Days of Sensational Sex is my fourth book, and by far the most comprehensive of all of them. Like its predecessors, it came out of my work with women, men, and couples, who, like yourselves, seek and deserve the most up-to-date, accurate information there is on the subject of sexuality. This book arose out of a demand from my clients who for years have begged me to share with them the best of the best secrets from couples who are having great, ongoing sex, or who were able to reignite their passion to keep on having mind-blowing sex throughout the duration of their relationship. What is it that makes some people such great lovers, capable of having and sustaining fabulous sex and sizzling relationships? What is it these people are doing that keeps the fire burning? And most important, what secrets can I share that will enable other curious readers to become great lovers themselves?
Many people assume that being a great lover is about learning tips on technique, but that is far from the truth. Strange to hear, I am sure, from the author who has written extensively about technique, but as I’ve said many times before, the “what goes where” and “how to” elements of sex are only the tip of the iceberg. You can know all the parlor tricks in the world and may possibly be tons of fun when horizontal, but what makes you a great lay is not necessarily what makes you a great lover.
Defining great sex is personal and very connotative. There is no dictionary definition. For one person it might mean being able to give and receive off-the-chart orgasms, for another it might be about adventure and things you can attach to the ceiling, and for yet another it might be about feeling amazingly close and connected while wrapped in a lover’s arms. But from what I have learned through my years of listening closely to people, great sex boils down to two factors:
• Great Lovers possess an attitude toward sex that is open and curious, willing to learn something new about sex—always and forever.
• Great Lovers possess the know-how and the intention to keep the flames of passion alive—always and forever.
The truth of these two factors became startlingly clear recently when Claire, a woman in her sixties, called to ask me advice on how to resuscitate her sexual relationship with her husband, Marty, also in his sixties. Recently, her husband had gone through heart-bypass surgery. On top of this medical crisis, Marty was also getting ready to retire. Claire was feeling overwhelmed not only by her concerns for her husband’s health, but for herself—how was she going to take care of him, take care of the family (she was now the main breadwinner), and take care of her job? And did I mention that her company was transferring her to the office in Las Vegas?
Claire was clearly a formidable professional and a deeply caring woman, and because of this, she was determined to finesse all these transitions in her life. One of her first tasks was to address her concerns about her sexual relationship with Marty. Before his surgery, their sex life had always been good—for thirty-five years of marriage, she pointed out to me. But now, it was virtually nonexistent. Rather than succumb to her fears that Marty was unable to have great sex anymore, Claire decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
I suggested that she get my other books. I also shared with her some of the secrets contained in the following pages. To get the ball rolling, I suggested two simple-yet-powerful ways that I predicted would boost her husband’s waning sexual self-confidence and get his attention (and interest) back into sex:
• First, let him know that he is still irresistible. Claire tried to make him feel how they did when they first got together by doing what she used to do in the back of his car. Claire showed Marty how much she was still attracted to him, which began to revive his sexual pulse.
• Second, use his body for your sexual pleasure. Claire tapped into how most men get turned-on: watching his lover do herself with the essence of his masculinity—his penis.
Two weeks later, at a networking group we both attended, Claire stood up proudly and acknowledged me by saying in a very strong voice, “I want you to know that you helped me put the zip and spark back into a thirty-five-year-old marriage!”
To this day, I am convinced that if Claire and Marty could, anyone can learn how to reignite the flames and give their sexual relationship a passionate longevity. Don’t you want to have the kind of sex that makes you lick your lips before you have it, dream in anticipation of the event, and smile rather smugly afterward? That is what I am hoping this book will enable each and every one of you to do with these 365 tips.
Every once in a while, a client or seminar attendee will share with me a pearl of wisdom about his or her sex life or relationship that smacks so startlingly of the truth that I immediately add it to my data bank of “great lover’s secrets.” Over the years, I have distilled the best of the best secrets into 365 gems, which I now want to share with you. Some of the secrets are geared toward women; this information is what men want women to know about what really works for them. It is also information that women have said works for them and their men. The secrets that are directed to men are made up of information that women want men to know about what works for them, and what men have told me work for them and their lovers. In this fly-on-the-wall way, the book works like a unique conversation: women and men have equal platforms for discovering, discussing, and deciding on what to do with each other.
I want to share with you many of these truths about what people who are truly great lovers have told me: what they have done with their partners, why they have done it, how they did it, what worked or didn’t work, and the ways that they were able to add spice to their sex lives; the ways they were able to keep their relationship new and fresh and as sexy and satisfying as it was on the day they met. These secrets will inspire you and your partner, in your own unique way, to give to and receive from each other mind-blowing levels of pleasure that will literally transform the sexual energy in your relationship. In short, you will learn how to keep the sizzle—forever!
The book contains 365 short entries, each one revealing a different gem of how great lovers continue to turn on their partners, maintain access to intimacy, and pave the way to take him or her to their preferred heights of pleasure. The tips are placed in the six categories that create sizzling sex for Great Lovers: Attitude, Behavior, Playbook (new tips and techniques), Classics (favorite tips and techniques from my seminars), Fantasy, and Frequently Asked Questions. Within these categories you will find suggestions on how you can apply these tried-and-true methods to your own relationships. You will also come across Great Lover Moments, provocative real-life stories that will not only whet your mental whistle, but will also shed light on the inner workings of the best relationships with which I have had the privilege of working.
These tips pertain directly to how sex invigorates your entire relationship. I have seen firsthand that truly dynamite sex comes not just from technique, but from mastering the secrets that get to the underlying dynamics of relationships. Some of these secrets may at first seem like common sense, but one thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to keeping the charge of intimacy, common sense isn’t all that commonly practiced. You might think you know all the basics—like learning how to move the target on her pleasure, the ten ways in which a woman can orgasm, or using all of your senses to seduce your man—but are you putting this information into play? What I hope to do here is make these secret tips work for you, by giving you what I call the W-5: the Who, What, Where, When, and Why these tips worked for my clients and in doing so have them work for you. Who knows? You may suddenly look at some of these pieces of “common sense” in a whole new way.
This is not a book about how to fix a relationship that is broken, nor is it about comparing yourself to others to see if you measure up. There are plenty of books out there that want to do that. This book is all about making something good, great; something great, sensational. In essence, this book makes five promises:
• You will find fresh and sexy concrete tips that will enable you to drive your lover wild with desire and deliver even greater satisfaction to you because you can do so.
• You will validate your own sexual experiences, be able to expand on them as you hear about how others navigate their relationships, deepen their bonds, and increase the sexual energy between them.
• You will discover your full sexual potential by exploring new forms of pleasure and new ways to connect with your partner, again and again.
• You will know how other long-term couples regularly access the pulse-quickening sex of their early encounters, and how that too can be yours.
• And you will absolutely learn what keeps the passion passionate!
You don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship right now to benefit from this book. You may want to simply use the book as a resource and guide for when the right lady or gentleman finally does come along in your life. As humans, we are all phenomenally social creatures; indeed, it is in our nature to want to be in relationships. So even if you’re not in a relationship now, you are probably thinking about the one you’d like to be in. Whether you are single or have been with the same person for twenty years, let these 365 tips be your guide, your wish list, and your inspiration. This little book is my gift to you—the essential gems that will give you the key to keeping your relationship humming, as if the honeymoon had never ended.