Chapter 7

I don’t want to mess things up for you

TANIA SAT ON the sofa with her leg up on a cushion. It still ached, and a large red patch was developing. Tania knew it would turn black, purple and yellow before it healed fully. The initial shock of the fall had worn off but Tania still felt utterly miserable. She knew she had behaved very badly to Brock and Zac, but she couldn’t help feeling angry that Brock had insisted on doing lifts on the ice so soon. Surely he knew it wouldn’t help her overcome her fear of falling? At that moment Tania felt as if the whole world were against her.

Caroline brought in a bowl of soup on a tray. ‘Chicken,’ she said. ‘Always good for shock. You still look awfully white, Tania.’

Tania picked up the spoon. ‘I’ll be all right. I should have known it would happen. It’s far too early to be doing lifts on ice.’

‘I suppose Brock’s trying to fit in as much as he can,’ said Caroline. ‘Since there isn’t much time before the show.’

‘It’s dangerous,’ went on Tania, ‘rushing the early stages. We should be working on basic stuff for months before we try anything like that.’

Alistair, Tania’s father, came down the stairs. ‘Internet’s gone off,’ he said, annoyed. ‘I’m going to have to ring up again.’ He looked sympathetically at Tania. ‘Feeling better?’

‘She thinks Brock’s rushing her and Zac into dangerous lifts,’ Caroline said.

Alistair raised his eyebrows. ‘Really? Doesn’t sound like Brock; he’s usually very careful.’

‘Not this time,’ said Tania grumpily. ‘It’s too soon.’

‘But you’re good,’ said Caroline. ‘You should be able to adapt to anything by now.’

‘Yes, but he’s not.’ Tania took a mouthful of soup and made a face. ‘This is too hot.’

‘It’s just come out of the saucepan,’ said Caroline reasonably. ‘It’s bound to be hot.’

‘It’s not going to work out,’ said Tania. ‘Skating with Zac, I mean. He’s good, all right, but he’s not up to my standard. Look what happened today! It could have been so much worse.’

‘But it wasn’t,’ said Alistair. ‘So let’s look on the bright side, OK?’

Tania scowled. But inside she felt like crying. Why couldn’t anyone see how scared she was?

Caroline changed the subject. ‘Have you finished that geography project yet? I know your teacher was anxious about it.’

Tania put down her spoon in irritation. ‘What for? It’s only stupid geography.’

‘Don’t talk like that,’ said Caroline. ‘School is important. Alistair, tell her.’

‘Your mother’s right. A good education gets you a step up the career ladder.’ He glanced around. ‘Where’s the phone? Did someone leave it in the kitchen again?’

‘I’m not on the career ladder.’ Tania sipped her soup again as her father disappeared into the kitchen. ‘I’m going to be a competitive skater. I’m not going to get an ordinary job. School is pointless for me.’

‘You have a good brain, Tania. Don’t waste it.’ Caroline frowned. ‘You don’t get a second chance at school. The rink will always be there.’

‘Oh, Mum, we’ve been through this.’ Tania shifted her leg and winced. ‘I can’t put off skating till I’m older, that’s just impossible. It’s a young person’s sport. I have to do it now, while I still have the chance. And if I need qualifications later in life, I can get them then.’

‘It’s not so easy later.’

‘Why is everyone interfering!’ Tania burst out. ‘I just want to skate! Is that too much to ask?’ She felt her eyes fill with tears. ‘I just want to skate,’ she whispered. I want things to go back to the way they were. Before … before … that accident.

Caroline looked at her daughter and felt a pang of sympathy. ‘I know, love. I know.’ She hesitated for a moment and then took the plunge. ‘Have you ever thought what might happen if it isn’t possible though? If you just miss out – if you’re not quite good enough? What then?’

‘What do you mean, not good enough?’

‘What if …’ Caroline swallowed. She knew this was a dangerous question to ask. ‘What if your best isn’t good enough?’

Tania stared at the carpet. She didn’t know what to say. The thought had never entered her head that she might not be good enough to compete professionally. What on earth would she do then?

Her mother looked helplessly up at Alistair, standing in the doorway, phone in hand. He shrugged, equally helpless. Sometimes, communicating with Tania was like talking to a brick wall. And yet Caroline was sure there was something else going on. Something that Tania wasn’t talking about. But what? And when would she start to open up?

There was no practice the next day for Tania because her leg was so sore. The bruise had indeed come up in a dinner-plate-sized black blob, and Libby was very impressed. ‘That’s one heck of a bruise, Tan! It must hurt like hell.’

‘It does,’ said Tania.

‘I can’t believe he fell on you,’ said Libby. ‘What an idiot.’

‘He didn’t mean to,’ said Tania.

‘Yeah, but still. He should have been more careful.’

‘Skating’s not a careful sport,’ said Tania, trying to navigate the stairs on the way to their next class. ‘And Zac’s not a careful skater. But it was an accident; it wasn’t his fault.’

Libby stopped. ‘Hang on a minute. Aren’t you mad at him about this? I thought you’d been worrying something like this would happen? You said he was dangerous, after all.’

Tania glanced at the students pouring past. ‘Don’t stop there, Lib, you’re holding everyone up.’ She hopped down the last few steps. ‘I don’t really know how I feel, to be honest. I was so angry with him yesterday. I had a real go at Brock about it too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me – I’ve had falls before. I completely over-reacted though. I just …’ She paused. ‘I think I’m scared, Libby.’

Libby swung her bag back onto her shoulder. ‘Scared of what?’

Tania bit her lip. ‘Falling, mostly. Getting hurt. Badly hurt, I mean.’

Libby looked bewildered. ‘But why? You’re really good. And it’s not like it’s bothered you before.’

Tania gazed at her best friend. Tell her. Tell her about Kerri’s accident and how badly it shook you up. Tell her about the nightmares you keep having and how it’s made you scared of taking risks. Tell her how it’s even made you afraid of stepping onto the ice, when it used to be the only thing you wanted to do.

She opened her mouth. ‘I think …’ she began.

And then the bell rang and Libby’s expression changed. ‘Argh! We’re going to be late for English! Come on! You’ll have to tell me later.’

But Tania wasn’t sure she’d have the courage later.

To her utter surprise, Tania saw Zac at the school gates. He looked awkward, standing stiffly and running a hand through his spiky blond hair. Tania glanced around. Her mother’s car was parked a hundred metres up the road. She could sneak past Zac – he’d never see her in this crowd. But she knew that would be wrong. He must have come to see her, why else would he be here? He didn’t attend Parchester County School.

‘What are you looking at?’ asked Libby, trying to peer past her. ‘Your mum’s here, isn’t she?’

‘Yeah, it’s just …’

‘Oh my God,’ said Libby suddenly. ‘That’s him, isn’t it? That’s Zac, right?’

Tania nodded.

Libby’s face broke into the most enormous grin Tania had ever seen. ‘He’s come to see you, to make up.’

‘Libby, we haven’t broken up, it’s not like a date.’ Tania tried to say it in a light-hearted way, but the word tasted funny in her mouth. A date? What made her say that?

‘You know what I mean.’ Libby nudged her. ‘Go on, go and say hi. He’s probably brought flowers or something.’

‘Of course he hasn’t, you can see from here.’

Libby wasn’t put off. ‘All right, chocolates then. In his pocket.’

Tania rolled her eyes.

Libby nudged her again. ‘Go on, go over, for goodness’ sake. He is so cute, Tania. Why didn’t you tell me he was cute?’

‘Libby …’

‘I’ll tell your mum you’ll just be a minute, OK?’ Libby skipped off, turning to mouth ‘Good luck!’ as she reached the gates.

Tania took a deep breath. Automatically she smoothed down her hair. Did she look OK? It had been a long day at school … ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake!’ she said out loud. ‘He’s not my boyfriend!’

A couple of people turned to look at her curiously, but Tania had set off towards Zac.

He grinned at her when she came into view, but it was a half-grin, an uncertain grin. ‘Hi,’ he said. ‘How are you?’

‘What are you doing here?’ asked Tania abruptly, and then bit her tongue. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound rude.’

‘That’s OK,’ said Zac. He looked around. ‘Busy, isn’t it? Can we go somewhere to talk? Just for a minute?’

Tania glanced over to her mum’s car. Libby was leaning in the passenger window and having an animated conversation with Caroline. Something inside her tingled. It was the first time she’d seen Zac outside the rink. It was like two worlds colliding and it felt strange. ‘All right,’ she said. ‘I haven’t got long though.’

They walked round the corner towards the little green with its park benches. Schoolkids were already occupying most of them, flicking bits of paper at each other, but Zac sat down on one of the benches, and after a moment, the kids moved off, casting annoyed glances back at him. Tania sat down next to him.

‘I came to say sorry,’ said Zac. ‘For dropping you yesterday. I really am sorry – I was so mad at myself.’

‘It was an accident,’ said Tania.

‘Yeah, but it shouldn’t have happened,’ said Zac. ‘I was sloppy on my outside edge. You were right about my basic skills not being up to scratch.’ He took a breath. ‘I wanted to say I understand if you don’t want to do this any more. I know you’ve had a bit of a hard time recently. I guess yesterday didn’t help much.’

Tania twisted her fingers together. ‘Not really.’

‘Brock seemed to think you needed to let go a bit on the ice,’ said Zac. ‘He said you were getting too tight, needed to take a few risks. But if the first time you take a risk, someone else drops you, then you’re not going to feel any happier about it.’

He understands! Tania felt warmth sweep through her. ‘No, not really.’

Zac turned to face her. ‘If you feel you don’t want to skate with me any more, then it’s OK. I understand. I’ll tell Brock. You don’t have to feel bad about it.’

Tania frowned. ‘Well …’ He was offering her a way out. She should take it. Shouldn’t she?

‘Hang on a sec,’ said Zac. ‘Before you make up your mind, I just wanted to say something.’ He chewed his lip for a moment. ‘I’d really like to carry on skating with you,’ he said in a rush. ‘I know I’m not up to your standard, but I’m really enjoying it, and I am improving. Just keeping up with you in practice sessions is making me work harder than ever before!’

Tania felt her mouth twitch.

Zac went on. ‘If you give me a week – just a week – I’ll prove I can do better. You’ll need to rest for a few days anyway, because of what I did to you.’ He pulled a face. ‘So give me that time to work on my basic skills. Brock says I can go to the rink whenever I like.’

‘What about school?’ said Tania, before realizing she didn’t even know if he was still at school.

‘College,’ said Zac. ‘I’m at Bartholomew’s. It’s OK, I can miss a few lessons. I can catch up at home. Skating is more important.’

Tania gave a small smile. ‘I thought skating was just fun for you.’

Zac looked at her. ‘It is. But I don’t want to mess things up for you. I want to do it right. It’s important to me.’

Tania caught his gaze, and something inside her felt reassured. He looked sincere. ‘I do believe you …’ she said slowly. ‘It’s just …’

‘You’re scared I’ll drop you again,’ said Zac. He nodded. ‘It’s OK, I know. I would be too.’ He rubbed his nose. ‘Listen, Tania. I can’t promise I’ll never drop you again. That would be stupid. But I can promise I will work harder than I have been. I want to be a good partner.’

Tania felt embarrassed. Why was the warmth creeping up her cheeks?

Zac was still staring earnestly at her. ‘I think you’re an amazing skater, Tania. I haven’t said it before. Just watching what you can do – wow. I feel privileged to be skating with you. Give me another chance. Please.’

Tania’s cheeks were red-hot. She attempted a laugh. ‘What can I say?’ she said, trying to hide her embarrassment. ‘I guess so.’

Zac sat back. ‘Thank you. Just give me a week, that’s all. If after that you still think it’s not going to work, we’ll both go and tell Brock. OK?’

‘OK.’

He grinned at her, a full-hearted grin this time, and Tania felt her stomach flip. What on earth is going on? she wondered. Why is talking to him suddenly making you blush like some besotted girl – like Libby, for example?

‘See you in a few days,’ he said and got up. ‘Not too soon – rest the leg.’

‘All right.’ Tania watched him until he was out of sight. Then she picked up her bag and got painfully to her feet. Her legs felt a bit weak, but she told herself that was because of the bruising.

A little girl blew a gum bubble at her as she passed. ‘You fancy him,’ she said to Tania.

‘Do not,’ Tania threw over her shoulder as she limped on.

‘I would,’ said the girl. ‘He’s gorgeous!’