Chapter 8

Butterflies

TANIA WAS OFF the ice for four days in the end, and she had no idea what to do with herself. Her mother was in despair. ‘Haven’t you got homework or something?’ she asked. ‘That geography project you were supposed to hand in ages ago, what about that?’

Tania shrugged. ‘Done it.’ She flicked channels on the TV. ‘It’s rubbish but at least it’s done. And Mr Craven knows I hate his subject.’

Caroline sighed. ‘I wish you would make a bit more effort sometimes. If you tried a bit harder you might even find you enjoy it.’

‘Not geography. It’s boring.’

Her mother’s lips pressed together. Having Tania at home was making it even harder to get on with her than usual. ‘Are you going to ballet tomorrow?’

‘Miss Stewart told me not to come because of my leg,’ said Tania. ‘I rang her earlier and she said best to rest it for as long as I can.’ She got up off the sofa. ‘It’s much better now though. But Brock told me not to go in till the day after tomorrow.’ She cast a look at the window, where the darkening skies predicted rain. ‘Can’t even go out.’

‘What about Libby?’ asked Caroline. ‘Could you go round and see her? Or have her come here?’

‘She’s out with her parents,’ said Tania. ‘Her mum’s birthday.’

‘Oh,’ said Caroline, falling silent. It was always like this when Tania couldn’t go skating. She moped around the house like a gloomy thundercloud, snapping at everyone. It was almost as though, without skating, Tania wasn’t a whole person. She needed it to keep going and, without it, she didn’t know what to do with herself. But instead of being able to amuse herself quietly with a book or the TV, she was constantly bothering her mother, asking her what she was doing, whether she could have new tights, what she thought of taking the next NISA test in the spring. Caroline found herself trying to amuse her daughter in the same way she had when Tania was a small child: ‘Why don’t you draw a picture? Write a story? Help me make these new curtains?’ And, just as it had been when Tania was little, none of these suggestions went down well and there were half-finished projects all over the house.

In the end, Caroline gave up trying to achieve anything herself and when Tania’s father came back from work, they all played Cluedo and had a Chinese takeaway.

Tania cheered up a bit during the game, but her parents noticed how quiet she became towards the end, as though her mind were somewhere else entirely. Her father even waved a hand in front of her face at one point. ‘Earth to Tania? It’s your turn.’

‘What? Oh, sorry.’

‘Penny for your thoughts?’ asked Caroline.

Tania shook her head. ‘Nothing. Just – you know.’

‘Skating?’ suggested Alistair.

‘Sort of.’

Her parents exchanged glances. ‘It must be difficult for you, being away from the rink like this,’ commented Alistair.

Tania wriggled. ‘It’s sort of like an itch. I want to get back but I don’t, if you see what I mean.’

Alistair raised his eyebrows. ‘That’s the first time I’ve heard you say you’re not keen to get back to it.’

‘But I am. I really want to get on with my training. Oh, I don’t know. Can we talk about something else?’

Her mother paused for a moment. ‘Of course. How about Mrs Peacock in the Library with the lead piping?’

Later, Tania lay in bed and thought about the rink. She did want to get back to it – so much. It was as though every day she spent away from it was somehow painful. And of course there was Zac too. Despite her scornful opinion of his technical skills, Tania kind of missed seeing him. He was so open, so totally honest with her. It surprised her because she knew she had put up so many emotional barriers herself. Being with Zac was refreshing and she knew she would be pleased to see him again.

But she also knew that when she returned to the ice, so would the fear. The fear of falling.

A crack of bone, a high scream …

Tania turned over in bed and wondered if she would ever feel completely happy about skating again.

As she laced up her boots, Tania had butterflies in her stomach. The bruise on her thigh was gradually healing, but it was still painful to the touch. At least the leg felt stronger.

Tania couldn’t help wondering whether Zac had been as good as his word. He’d said he wanted to improve enough to skate with her – but did he really mean it or was he just saying it to persuade her not to give up skating with him? She told herself the butterflies in her stomach were entirely to do with her own skating and nothing to do with Zac, but when she saw him walking towards her, several of the butterflies seemed to fly straight up into her throat. Libby was right; he was cute.

‘Hi,’ said Zac, smiling at her. ‘You look a lot better. How’s the leg?’

‘Getting there.’

He held out his hand. ‘You ready?’

Tania noticed he still had on his broken-down boots, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she took his hand with a nod.

‘No gloves?’ Zac said in surprise.

Tania shook her head. ‘Think they were getting in the way.’ His hand felt strong and warm, and another butterfly did a triple loop. What on earth is happening to me? she wondered. I’ve never had this kind of reaction to a boy before!

As soon as they stepped onto the ice, Tania could feel a difference in Zac. His skating was stronger; more confident. As they worked their way around the rink in back crossovers, her surprise grew. His edges were much cleaner, and although the old blades still scraped on the ice, his posture was a lot more solid.

When they stopped for a moment, Tania turned to Zac. ‘You have been practising!’

He grinned. ‘Told you.’

She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe there’s such a difference in four days. What have you been doing?’

‘Basic skills. All day, every day.’

‘All day?’

‘Well, whenever I could get onto the ice. Brock’s been helping me out.’ Zac nodded towards the end of the rink, and Tania saw Brock leaning over the side and smiling at them.

‘Quite a difference, isn’t there?’ he called.

Tania skated over. ‘Has he really been here all day every day?’ she asked in a low voice.

Brock nodded. ‘Yup. And he’s finally started listening to what I’ve been telling him for the last two years.’

Zac, joining them, heard this and grinned. ‘It’s the first time I’ve had a reason to,’ he said cheekily.

‘Right,’ said Brock. ‘So then. Lifts.’

Tania felt something in her tense up, but she was determined that Zac and Brock shouldn’t see her nerves. ‘Let’s do it.’

They practised for over an hour, doing the basic lifts again and again. Brock seemed pleased, but Tania knew she wasn’t doing as well as she should. Zac was a lot steadier under her, but Tania had skated alone for years. It just wasn’t that easy to trust someone else to carry her across the ice. Especially with that nagging panic of falling. ‘Again,’ Brock kept saying, and Tania knew it was because of her.

Zac was patient, but she could tell he was puzzled. She felt angry with herself. Why couldn’t she just relax and trust him? She knew he would never drop her on purpose. The last time had been a complete accident; it could have happened to anyone. She had been telling herself that this time would be different, now that Zac had proved how keen he was to work hard. Surely she could overcome this one little problem? But every time they were speeding across the ice and Brock said, ‘Prepare …’ Tania knew every muscle in her body was tightening, and not in a good way. Her heart sank as the hour wore on.

‘Now.’ Brock looked from one to the other. ‘The death spiral.’ The death spiral was a required element in pairs skating, and it always drew applause from the crowd. Done properly, it was a masterpiece of aesthetics, the female skater bent backwards over the ice, one blade only skimming the surface, whilst her partner held her by the hand and twirled her around him in a huge circle.

Brock explained the preparation for the spiral, and how Tania needed to get herself into the correct position. He even made her lie down on the ice to start with, so that Zac could try spinning her around him. But as soon as they began practising, Tania tensed up.

‘Loosen your back,’ called Brock. ‘You’re not leaning back far enough.’

‘I’ll fall.’

‘No you won’t,’ said Brock. ‘Zac’s holding you.’

‘I won’t drop you,’ Zac told her. Tania looked at him. She believed him – at least, she believed that he believed it – but she just couldn’t do it. The position meant her head was only inches from the ice as it whistled past underneath her. They tried again, and again Tania chickened out.

‘I’m sorry. I just can’t.’

Zac looked at Brock, and Brock looked at Tania. ‘Look,’ said Brock. ‘I understand you’re nervous. But this isn’t about Zac. This is about you. It’s the same problem that you’re having with the jumps. You’re too tight. You’ve got to loosen up.’

‘Yes, I know, I know!’ said Tania, annoyed with herself. ‘It’s not as if you haven’t said it enough.’

‘It’s no good snapping at me,’ said Brock, starting to get annoyed too. ‘You’ve been tensing up all session. Every time you have to take a risk. What exactly is the problem?’

Tania shook her head miserably. She couldn’t tell them. What would they think if she admitted that an accident that happened to someone else six months ago was making her terrified to skate? It would be so humiliating. She could just imagine the pity on Zac’s face. She didn’t want pity. She was strong; had always been strong. No, she would struggle on by herself. ‘Nothing. I don’t know.’

‘It won’t do, Tania.’

‘I am trying.’

‘Well, trying’s not good enough,’ said Brock bluntly. ‘It’s time to get over it. Zac’s been working hard to come up to your standard. He’s made incredible progress in such a short space of time. He deserves better from you.’

‘Oh, well …’ said Zac, looking uncomfortable. ‘That’s not exactly …’

‘If this pairs programme doesn’t work,’ said Brock, ‘it’ll be because of you, Tania – not Zac. You’ve got to learn to let go.’

‘Maybe you’re thinking too much,’ suggested Zac. She could tell he was trying to be kind. ‘You think you’re going to fall, so you’re more likely to. If you see what I mean. Maybe you should think about something else as we go into the lift.’

Tania looked at him in despair. ‘Think about something else? Are you kidding?’

‘Time’s up,’ said Brock. He looked hard at Tania. ‘This is a real mental block for you. It’s time we tried something different.’

Tania’s heart thumped. ‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know,’ Brock said, frowning. ‘But I’ll give it some thought. I’m not here tomorrow, so you two practise without me. I’ll leave you instructions.’

‘All right.’

‘Hey,’ Zac touched Tania’s arm as they set off to the lockers. ‘I’m sorry. I guess I’m not helping as much as Brock hoped I would.’

‘I just don’t know what else to do,’ Tania said miserably. ‘I am trying to let go, I really am.’ But I can’t. For once in my life, my body won’t do what my head is telling it.

‘I know. You’re used to being in control.’

Tania thought for a moment. ‘On the ice, I am. It’s the only place where it’s just me, you know? Everything I do on the ice – I do it all by myself. I control it. Outside the rink – school, my family, where I go, what I eat – everything is planned for me.’

Zac raised his eyebrows. ‘Sounds like skating is supposed to be an escape for you.’

‘It’s not quite like that.’ She looked at him suddenly. ‘Meet me upstairs, by the front entrance, after you’ve got changed. There’s something I want to show you.’

Zac was waiting, his skate bag slung over his shoulder. Tania nodded to his left. ‘You see that?’ It was a big glass case full of trophies, cups and shields.

Zac turned. ‘Seen it every day. What about it?’

‘Look at the names on the cups.’

Zac put his bag on the floor and bent to the cabinet to look more closely. Junior Freestyle: Tania Dunn. Highest Achievement in Short Programme: Tania Dunn. Junior Skater of the Year: Tania Dunn. Silver Medal, Annual Competition: Tania Dunn. Gold Medal, Winter Ice Competition: Tania Dunn. There were other names too, but Tania’s occurred more often than any other.

Zac whistled. ‘That’s a lot of trophies.’

‘I know. And it’s sort of what I was saying downstairs. They’re mine – I won them all by myself. I didn’t have to depend on anyone else, it was all me. I have a real track record. I like winning. But these are mostly in the Junior sections. I need to break into the Seniors. I have to if I want a serious career. I want to compete at the World Championships. I want to compete at the Olympics. I want to win them all. And it’s easier to do it on my own. That way I don’t have to rely on anyone else.’

Zac gave her a long look. Then he took a breath and said, ‘Is that what it’s all about, though? Winning trophies?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean this’ – Zac waved his hand – ‘it’s all very impressive, but all it means is that you’re good at winning trophies.’

‘I don’t understand what you’re talking about. If I’m winning trophies, then I’m the best. I have to be the best.’

‘Why?’

Tania was stumped. ‘What do you mean, why?’

‘What’s it for?’

‘To prove I’m good. To prove I’m not just a child skater.’

‘Prove to who?’

Tania gave a laugh. ‘Everyone, of course!’

Zac nodded slowly. ‘But don’t you do it because you love it? I mean, what’s the point in winning if you’re not happy?’

Tania bit her lip. ‘Winning makes me happy. And I know I’m not good enough to win at the moment. That’s why I have to train so hard – to get better, so I can win.’

‘But what if you couldn’t win? Would you still do it?’ persisted Zac. ‘I mean, do you love it just for what it is, or only because you can collect trophies?’

‘I love it, of course …’ Tania started to say, but her voice trailed off. Was that really true? If she didn’t beat this fear, if she couldn’t compete any more, would she want to carry on skating?

Zac was watching her closely. ‘You used to love it, didn’t you?’ he said in a soft voice. Tania swallowed and nodded. ‘So what happened? Why has it changed?’

Tania felt tears prick her eyes at his gentle tone. ‘Something happened a while back …’ she replied, but her voice wobbled and she clamped her lips shut.

Zac waited, but she didn’t say any more. ‘It must have been bad,’ he said gently. ‘To change the way you feel so much. It’s OK, you don’t have to tell me.’

But I want to, Tania thought. I want to so much. But I’m even more afraid of what you’ll say if I do.

For a brief moment, Zac’s eyes met hers in the reflective glass of the cabinet. ‘You know I’ll help if I can,’ he said. ‘If you ever want to talk.’

A tear slid from Tania’s eye. She brushed it away, clearing her throat. ‘I’ll be fine. Thanks, but I can sort it out myself.’

He paused for a moment. Please go away, Tania thought silently. You’re just making things worse by being so kind.

Zac sighed. ‘OK. See you tomorrow.’

‘Yeah.’

She didn’t dare turn until she heard the front doors bang shut, in case he saw her crying.