My Sweet Saviour
TrooSelf diary entry three of seven
Dated: 2 May
Filed by: SPalm123
So it’s been three months of trying to bury myself in work and shake off The Demon’s curse. Also, three months of totally FAILING to do that.
You know what’s really weird, diary? You know the one thing that’s brought me back to this app, to try and get my thoughts together in some kind of coherent and logical fashion? Try as I might, I simply cannot get this one Tinder woman out of my head.
In the past, I’ve found that people on dating apps rarely stay in your head for any longer than it takes to make your superficial judgement. Just like the free magazines you get at train stations, they’re gone after one quick flick. And yet this girl – Kate Collins, as I’ve discovered her name to be – keeps coming back to me, all this time after seeing her on Tinder. I mean, she’s probably engaged or something by now, but she somehow manages to give me hope.
In her main pic on Tinder, Twitter, Facebook and everywhere else, Kate is sticking out her tongue in a sort of mock defiance. And yet something about those eyes makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything’s going to be all right. Despite the silly tongue thing, the girl has this kind of vulnerable look, and I can’t get her out of my head. I want us to sit together in a cosy pub so that I can find out all about her. Thanks to The Demon’s influence, I also can’t help imagining doing terrible and wonderful things to her. Then again, I don’t know: maybe that isn’t really The Demon. Maybe that’s just me being a typical bloke.
Ha ha ha. A typical bloke. A fucking FREAK, more like, who’s ruined himself forever.
Anyway, for better or worse, I’ve turned into a bit of a cyberstalker.
I still daren’t respond to Kate’s Super-Like because it’s bound to have been a mistake. And besides, I can’t write for toffee, so I’m crap online. But thanks to this dodgy pick-up book I’ve read, I feel like I can at least create the semi-convincing impression of confidence in person. With this in mind, I’ve been trying to work out how to meet her, in a way that seems authentically random. There’ll be no chance of her remembering me from Tinder. If I ever even made the most fleeting impression on Kate Collins’ brain, then that impression will be long gone.
So, I think I might have found a workable solution. Using information derived from Kate’s Tinder bio – mainly the fact she’s a paramedic in Leeds – I Googled my aching heart out. I found a local newspaper story about how she heroically saved a young stab victim, by standing between him and a bunch of gang members who wanted to finish him off. That’s her in the accompanying photo all right, looking embarrassed to be in the spotlight and have all this fuss made about her. So she’s brave and humble? That is one heck of a combo, in my book.
Having established Kate’s full name, I proceeded to examine Facebook. On 29 March, Kate told her FB friends (in a public post, thank God) that she was quitting her phone and the internet for good, and so wouldn’t be on Facebook any more. She told people who had her email to stay in touch, and for anyone who really wanted to stay in touch to PM her. But brilliantly, she also asked if anyone had ever been on a digital detox course before and could recommend one.
I’m so indebted to one of Kate’s friends, who piped up to strongly recommend this two-night detox thing in Wales. The latest weekend is due to start on 31 May and Kate said she’d go for it and had already booked. I’m so very grateful for having seen this before the date, or I’d have been so gutted, because I almost certainly wouldn’t get another chance. Even if I travelled to Leeds and deliberately got myself knocked over, the chances are that it wouldn’t be Kate who arrived in the ambulance to rescue me!
Actually, that scenario is deranged, even for me. In case anyone ever does hack into this thing, I would never do that. Honestly, I never would.
And yes, TrooSelf, I know that all of this is seriously weird and creepy behaviour. I know that if I really MUST engineer a meeting between me and a potential mate, they should ideally live in the same part of the country. Hell, even the same end. But sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants – and even though I almost certainly have zero chance with Kate Collins, do I really want to go the rest of my life without confirming that she has no interest in me and I’m a total loser?
Something keeps on whispering in my ear that this woman has the power to save me from The Demon’s clutches. That has to be worth a shot.
Roll on 31 May!