In Praise of Indecency

BIZARRE SEXUALLY ORIENTED SPAM SUBJECT LINES

Every one of the spam senders in this informal survey is trying—in the hope that you won’t immediately press the delete key—to entice you into checking out their messages and purchasing their products. In that process, they will sometimes deliberately (but not always deliberately) misspell words in the subject lines of their spams in order to bypass any electronic filters you happen to set up.

A friend writes to me, “I just upgraded to AOL 9 which has a feature that takes out spam before it gets to you. Theoretically you submit and save a list of words you don’t want in your subject line—in my case some are Viagra, Xanax, cheerleaders and mortgages—then voila! But, as always, the spammers are one step ahead. Now I’m getting spam for Viagara, Xannax, cheer leaders and mortgages—then voila! I don’t know why they think I’d do business with anyone whose spelling skills were so faulty, but I guess their target audience may not care.”

And from another friend: “Has anyone had a problem with blocked e-mail? I have had fully one-third of my mail blocked by my ISP that is running Norton’s ‘Barracuda Spam Firewall.’ Phooey! It blocks e-mail from friends and newsletters but lets the porn, Viagra and ‘grow your penis pills’ through. I am ticked! Anyone else all of a sudden not hearing from friends?”

Meanwhile, federal agents have arrested a man for repeatedly making death threats against employees of an Internet advertising firm. He faces a maximum penalty of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine if convicted. He had mistakenly believed that the company was the source of unsolicited e-mail ads he received about penis enlargement. Well, everyone has his breaking point.

Carol Liefer observed on Comedy Central that apparently there are a lot of people who want her to have a bigger penis. And, on the all-female morning TV talk show, The View, this rhetorical question was posed: “Which is worse, a tiny little penis or a lot of violence?” As if in response, a dwarf detective on a Comedy Central promo for their movie, Knee-High P.I., observed, “Sometimes the best dick is a small dick,” though you’ll never see that in a subject line.

Anyway, here’s a quaint selection of penis-enlarger subject lines: There’s the impress-a-female approach—“Women have always said: Size Matters!”... “No girl will give U a damn if U have little penis”... “Hey My Girl Bought Me the Patch”... “She likes my new weenie”... “I am lookin for a big man like U! C*U*M* to me!”... “Wanna be big enough to shock people?”... “You will leave her speechless”... “Make her scream OHHH YEAAA!”

But men also like to impress other men, as in “Feal proud when your in the locker room” and “Your friends will envy you”—(guaranteed up to 4 rock hard inches).

Plus some more choices for the road: “gipzyxdtcbidvd + yeilopcecsu”... “Keep praying eyes away!”... “Monster Cocks at Discount Price”... “impede her ybpajh”... “dont worry about ur stupid little penis, ha ha”... “do u think u still can fuck like those who has macho dick?”... “Every man wishes he had a larger penis”... “Be a man and add a third leg”... “Enlarge your Manhood”... “Increase your penis size in one day”... “my hole was bored out by the reaper”... “Be happy when you make love!”... “With these pills you can shoot cum like a porn star!”... “Penus Enlarged in 2 Hours!”

The misleading subject line is a popular method of tricking you. “Tickets arrived” led to this message: “there is no other way to enlarge your penis.” This vague subject line—“Hey, shit happens”—and this non sequitur subject line—“Do you like oranges?”—both led to the same message: “Use this patch and it will grow i SWEAR....”

All right, so now the good news is that every man has a larger penis. However, the bad news is that none of them can get it up.

“I remember a spam,” writes a friend, “about free Viagra after a penis enlargement operation that would take place someplace in Nigeria just before the search for my share of several hundred million dollars that my new friend is cutting me in on. Seems his dad stashed bullion in foreign accounts to which they’d have no access until I brought several thousand dollars first. Could have gotten way rich while erect for days while I fucked myself.”

Another friend quotes a spam—“Massive rock-solid Erections, new natural product bmrgwhmsmnmb”—and adds, “I like how it turns into nonsense at the end. I kind of picture like it’s a mild mannered guy at the beginning who takes the ‘natural’ Viagra somewhere in the middle and then by the end he’s like the incredible Hulk with a hard-on so powerful he can’t even make coherent sounds. Also: ‘From Keith Moon: Re: Generic Viagra’—At least they have a sense of humor. Maybe they’ll start coming from ‘Rush Limbaugh’ next.”

And now for your reading pleasure, here’s an erection selection:

“Stick it on you then stick it to her” (Viagra-like patch)...“Beef up the size of your willy”... “Bob Dole loves Viagra, so should you!”... “terrifying terpsichorean”... “The Assay Test”... “Men let the pillz do the talking”... “Is it time to upgrade your system?”... “You will be a sex machine”—(erectile dysfunction)... “condolence maverick expedition”... “Goodbye to Soft Equipment”... “Are you hard at work?”

“You blocked my ICQ”... “ur di.cky is so smalllll”... “Enh.. anc,e_yo*ur RO...D”... “G*et a ,*B-UL^;K,Y ‘PO^*'L;E”... “Incr*eas^e :D”IC^-K :LENGTH’ easil’y”... “B^oost y-our c’onf’ide;nc,e”... “,T:h_e na_tio*na:l i;nfrast*ru:ctu re i:s fal: li^ng”

“Stay hard for 72 hours”—Editor’s note: Viagra ads in magazines state: “You should call a doctor immediately if you ever have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours. If not treated right away, permanent damage to your penis could occur.”

This vague subject line—“Hi”—led to this message: “Sometimes people call it ‘Magic Lubricant.’ Sometimes ‘Power Bottle.’ Why? An amazing erection WITHIN SEVERAL SECONDS is guaranteed to you! Double-strengthed orgasm and full satisfaction).”

Both “Can I Make It Up to You?” and “One Last Question” are spam subject lines for this message: “Did you know you could discreetly order Viagra over the Internet? You don’t have to go through all the problems of getting it in a local pharmacy store or explaining your problems to the doctor.” And then there was this charming misleader: “Enlarge your Bank Account 2-3 inches in days.”

Okay, so now all these horny men have gigantic penises and also the medical means to help them defy gravity and become oh so erect, but there’s simply nobody around with whom to share these huge hard-ons. That’s where the Internet porn industry will eagerly come to your rescue.

“Amateur Girls Never Before Seen”... “Fresh hot assets”... “Drunk party babes”... “Wow—Screwing Machines”... “Bondage at Mistress Shaved’s Nasty Fetish Club”... “Pussies Getting Slammed”... “Pregnant Girls Getting Laid!”... “Look inside a pussy with our dildo-cam”... “watch this girl get her poousy lips get parted with a tongue”... “Big Clits—Monster Clits”___“enter this place and you willl see hard nipples and pink beavers”... “I have a multi-colored bush for you to see”... “The Executive’s Dream”—(your secretary is a dirty little thing, and wants your Man Meat!)

Hey, psst, you wanna see some nice breasts? Try these for size: “All we have are Breasts!”... “Do You Like Tits”—(100,000+ pics of big titty girls)... “Big Huge Breasts”... “Melon size boobies"... "Jumbo Juggy Jugs"... "Big juicy titties"... "Petite Little Boobs..."

How about interracial? “Choked white whores used as black cum recepticals”... “White Ladies and Dark Meat Look of Pain!” Or what about international? “Nasty Asian sex”... “Viet Yummy”... “Latin girls getting fucked”... “Re: travel plans”—(We’ve got girls from countries all over Asia spreading their pink pussies)... “I put the stalian back in Italian....”

Do you prefer four-legged friends? “Watch me fuck a poodle”... “Oh my God, I had S-E-X With My Dog!”... “Meet Harvey the pussy eating wonder dog!”... “Teen takes a horse dong deep inside her flower”... “She takes the 20 inch horse pole”... “The real farm movie they tried to ban”—(guess Ramo’s [the horse’s] cock size and win a free ticket to the show)... “Dacy Does Donkeys”... “S*X WITH PETS”—(Taken to the Xtreme)... “This is sicker than Michael Jackson’s daycare”— (girls with farm animals)... “Hot women do everything in my car”—(You ever wanted to see a live donkey show?) Editor’s note: Gosh, that must be a very large car.

You dig first-timers? “Angel’s First Facial”... “Erika’s First five finger Experience”... “First Time Lesbians!”

Know how to make (or take) a fist? “Miss Fist-a-Lot!”... “Porn Queens Fistfucked for Real”... “Get Your Fisting Party Started!”

Got oral sex? “Cum Squad Squat!”... “Free pics of teen Sluts Sucking Almighty Cocks!”... “Teens covered in cum!”... “Young Pussy Lickers”... “Girls love to tasty cum”... “Shooting Incident”—(Max Cumshot)... “See them spurt!”—(Cumshakes, Thousands of Hot Cum Covered Girls)... “I blew my load all over her”—(Facial Fiasco)... “She swallowed it all, Cum splattered all over her face”... “Jizz drizzled all over my face help me!”... “Sarah sucking balls”... “Bite that cock!”

Or maybe anal? “Doing Her Ass”... “My Girl Likes Anal Sex”... “Nasty Girls Doing Backdoor”... “I’ve applied to 4 Universities, but this one has the best programs”—(We’re going to send you to Anal University).

Golden shower, anyone? “She’s a Pee Fanatic!”... “She peed on me!”

Age is no barrier: “Virgin Schoolgirls”... “Cranky debutantes”... “Teen sluts gone wild”... “Tight Teen Cunts”... “watch me spread this teens Pucey lips”... “Ordinary Girls with Spread Legs—naughty girls fresh out of high school”... “Cute girls in college spreading their legs”... “Aged woman spreads legs”... “Loving for grannies”... “Hot Nude Granny”—(The Premier Mature Lady Site).

Neither is gender a barrier. “Crazy Gay Action only the BIGGEST Gay Cocks Inside”... “New reality site with young boys”... “Gay closet movies”... “sex crazed lesbians”...

Nor marriage vows. “I’m ready to cheat on my husand”... “With the kids asleep, mom gets wild and kinky”... “Sit back, relax and get a blow job from a woman at EZ Cheatng tonight”... “watch these ladies get nailed while the kids are in bed”... “in here is over 5 hundred thousand pictures of hot moms naked”... “Look at a hot mom taking a shower and shaving her vagina”... “The State Survey”—(How many children do you claim? Real yummy mummys)... “Don’t Be Shy” and “Please don’t tell anyone”—(both lead to “a revolutionary new service connecting cheating wives with single men.”) Celebrities in homemade sex videos are of course a special treat on the World Wide Web, from Pamela Anderson to Paris Hilton. From “Paris Hilton just drinks love juice” and “Paris Hilton is on a see men diet” to “J. Lo’s Nipples” and “J. Lo caught eating a booger”—whatever turns you on.

Here, have a subject-line montage: “Bob said you’d want this”... “Naked Girls Next Door”—(Enter here to fuck these hot girls)... “(no subject)”—(Do you ever find yourself thinking about what it would be like to see naked girls all day?)... “lusty transvestites take picture for you”... “Upskirt panty peaks”... “Her cherrry gets popped!”... “Watch these young teens get exploited—severely!”... “100% hot bitches”... “As vulg@r as it getz”... “The sickest place on earth”—(midgets, animals, trannies, fisting, pregnant, enemas)... “Unreal Penetrations”... “Security Guards F_ucking Hot Girls”... “Take care”—(Insane orgies)... “3 Girls gang-banged”... “These Guys Don’t have a Chance!”—(Hot Young locals Seduce Unknowing Tourist!)... “Stop wasting money on women!”

These are spam subject lines that have a certain sexual aura, but lead you to non-sexual messages: “Do you know I love you”—(money lender)... “See my newest movie”—(Wholesale prescription medicines)... “As good as it gets”—(online poker)... “It is hard”—(Banned CD, Government don’t want me to sell it. Your own FBI file, driving record, criminal databases)... “We Got the Spread”—(Nude, but click here to bet now! NFT odds)... “Beach Girls”—(Forget Aging and Dieting forever)... “First Time”—(for both “Wholesale prescription medications at bargain prices” and “Term-life coverage at reduced rates is now available”)... “I can come” and “Corrupted existentially” both lead to weight-loss messages.

Or, a subject line can appear to be political, such as “How Saddam Survived,” which turned out to be a pitch for a growth hormone releaser from the American Society For the Treatment of Aging.

And finally, here’s my own personal favorite spam, which came from DarkProfits.com. The subject line reads: “Your credit card has been charged for $234.65”—which leads to the following message, headlined Important Notice:

“We have just charged your credit card for money laundry service in amount of $234.65 (because you are either child pornography webmaster or deal with dirty money, which require us to laundry them and then send to your checking account). If you feel this transaction was made by our mistake, please press ‘No.’ If you confirm this transaction, please press ‘Yes’ and fill in the form below. Enter your credit card number here. Enter your credit card expiration date.”

In the immortal words of Bart Simpson, “I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.”

Postscript: Had to share this one: Spam subject line: “Ethan is the paper ready yet?” The message: “Make her scream with joy! Become the 9 incher today!” Also, 40 days before the 2004 presidential election, I spotted a new—though temporary— trend. Here are a few subject lines, courtesy of Viagra: “Kerry Isn’t Feeling Well”; “George Bush Is A Tiar”; and “Breaking News: Osama Bin Taden Captured.”