HOBO SEX AND
CRACK WHORE CONFESSIONS

HOBO SEX AND CRACK WHORE CONFESSIONS

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a hobo. It seemed like an exciting life, fueled by freedom. Of course, grown-ups tried to discourage me. They thought I wanted to be a bum. I wasn’t interested in panhandling, though. I just figured that it would be fun to travel in a boxcar, visit different cities, cook my mulligan stew—whatever that is—over a campfire and sleep outdoors under the stars. In my mind, it was a romantic fantasy, not something I planned to do in order to make all my relatives feel ashamed. I even subscribed to the Hobo News.

I was reminded of this recently when I read about the death of Maurice “Steam Train Maury” Graham at the age of 89. In hobo jargon, he “caught the west-bound train.” Graham began hopping freights when he was only fourteen years old. At the National Hobo Convention in 2004, he was anointed Grand Patriarch of the Hobos. He once said, “A hobo is just a guy who went camping and never came home.” In his book, Tales of the Iron Road: My Life as King of the Hobos, published in 1990, he described how such a carefree lifestyle has changed:

“It used to be that a hobo had to be a good naturalist—he had to know all the roots, berries, grasses and weeds that are edible, and how to catch small game without weapons and how to be a good fisherman. But to survive as a hobo today, you practically have to be a pharmacist. They’re hauling things in freight trains, like chemicals and pesticides that weren’t even invented five years ago.”

Since then, boxcars have been sealed, and the prosecution of trespassers has been intensified. But, from my adolescent days, I’ve wondered about the sex lives of hobos. There was something both glamorous and unattractive about them, something both exciting and unappetizing, as revealed in the media. The New York Times obituary repeated Graham’s story of the Pennsylvania Kid, who shaved with a piece of glass from a Coke bottle. When the Washington Post asked him if it was true that some hobos used deodorant, he replied, “It’s a shame, but I don’t know what we can do about it.” And the Los Angeles Times review of his book wondered if it neglected “a darker, hard-drinking, womanizing, gambling side” of his nature.

Do modern hobos have access to the Internet, and if so, is there online porn available for them? Seattle Weekly sex columnist, Judy “Bad Advice” McGuire, published a reader’s question: “You once wrote that there is ‘nothing that doesn’t get somebody off.’ What about poverty? I searched Google for pornography depicting the homeless or otherwise poverty-ridden as objects of lust, and found nothing. Oh, and just to clarify, I found nothing depicting poor, foul-smelling bums and bag ladies as objects of lust. I found a few sites that specialized in homeless gay men, but these men were hygienic, in decent shape, and they were not portrayed in a poverty-stricken environment or state.”

“It’s days like these,” McGuire responded, “when I find myself typing in phrases like ‘foxy naked homeless ladies’ into assorted search engines, that I really start to wonder about my life choices. But let’s get down to the business at hand. As there are folks who consider dining on feces the ultimate erotic experience and still others who get off on jamming metal rods up their urethras, it’s hardly shocking that there are those who find the desperately poor and/or hopelessly (and homelessly) drug-addicted wank-worthy. Sigh. Don’t these tragic types have enough problems without being turned into fodder for some control freak’s masturbatory fantasies?” But she did discover “one of the more ‘authentic’ sites”—hobosexual.com—which I checked out and linked on to several “Hobofoot” websites.

Boss Trucker: “Galleries feature mature, old school drivers in the buff. The men shown in Hobofoot websites are older, seasoned men. And before anybody gets their panties in a bunch, we do not place truckers and hobos in the same category. The majority of truckers we meet are very clean, professional men.”

Black Eye Saloon: “This is the first gallery originally called ‘Hoboboot.’ This unique website features real hobos, veteran rail riders, hardened, modern day pirates and attractive road tramps.... Hi-res photos so close you can almost smell ‘em.”

Tough Nuts: “More old outlaws and drifter types spread out nekkid for the connoisseur.”

Smegmen: “The latest website added to the Hobofoot web. More hi-res images of naked old tramps and rough cut vagabonds, close enough to breathe deep.”

Silver Whisker Saloon: “Eighteen galleries of senior men 50+, bare buck nekkid and in living color. Handsome, naked old cowboys and silver daddies.”

Rough Trade Male: “The best collection of older, hard black men online. Raunchy sex, body worship, full sexual servitude of ebony masters.”

Sgt. Daddy’s Men: “A big ass picture of older men, bears and masculine senior men.”

I had started out wanting to satisfy my curiosity about the sex life of a hobo, and I ended up being reminded of the law of supply and demand. These characters weren’t exactly what I was searching for. As Judy McGuire informed her reader, Hobo-sexual “didn’t have the hygienic, muscular hotties you describe. [Those] peppering this site were on the opposite end of the spectrum from the soot-smudged pretty boys you discovered. These guys appeared to be the real deal: of a certain age (though hard living can age a fella, so who knows), sporting crusty rolls of fat and unkempt clumps of back hair (no manscaping here!). Obviously my computer doesn’t come equipped with odorama, but if looks could smell, I’m willing to bet their aroma was fairly funkified.

“Since I didn’t see any poverty-stricken pussy on any of the site’s free pages (and wasn’t about to enter my credit card info to dig deeper), I’m assuming this particular site caters to men who love men. So I set out to find something for the straight boys. Not shockingly, I couldn’t find a single example of this smut geared toward women, straight or gay. (Probably because most of us have already dated musicians.) I thought I’d hit pay dirt when I stumbled across a calendar featuring homeless dames, but it turned out to be a charity project for some church. (Save yourself the trouble—the ladies depicted were all fully clothed.) Most of what I was able to track down for the het set featured some variation on the ‘crack ho.’ Apparently skeletal broads with missing teeth and a penchant for anal are a niche market I hadn’t really been aware of. According to the website crackwhore-confessions.com, Linda, a self-professed proponent of the ‘stem fast diet,’ will ‘toss your salad, croutons and all.’ Yum.”

So naturally I checked out that site, and found a whole slew of slovenly sluts, including:

*A lesbian who “used to double team the Johns with her girlfriend to make the good money. While hooking she has met her share of twisted guys. Once a guy paid her $50 to chew his cock like bubble gum until he came!”

*An 18-year-old who “tells all about the sickest requests of her dates, like a guy that has her step on his balls with high heels!”

*Chris, who “has the honor of being the only crack whore that was featured on America’s Most Wanted and captured. In prison she learned how to make improvised strap-on dildos from her bull dyke cell mate.”

*Miss Kitty, the Madame to a ring of crack whores, shares “some shocking stories, like the airline pilot that got strung out with her before his flights. She became a famous crack whore by making the news when she was busted with a politician!”

*Kimmy, who “has refined her oral skills from years of experience turning tricks on the street. She is so confident in her abilities to suck off a guy that she offers a money back guarantee!”

In their worst nightmares, not one of these poor souls had ever dreamed of becoming a crack whore, and their apparently genuine confessions are consistently and tragicomically poignant, ranging from a former beauty queen—whose escorting business backfired when her common-law husband became her employees’ best paying customer, and now she’s fighting for custody of her two children—to Sammi, whose “own mother turned her on to the street life, causing her to lose custody of her children, and then her husband left her for another man with no legs and a piss sack!”

But here may be the most heartbreaking story of all: “Karen has pneumonia and is 8 months pregnant. She wanted dope so bad that she refused medical attention to hit the streets to score. She is a total junkie, addicted to crack and heroin. Karen is a full service whore, taking it in all three holes. The grand finale is her sucking the ass juice off my cock! It’s the first time I got a pregnant chick in the butt.” Yes, after a question-and-answer session, the anonymous interviewer does have sex with the crack whore. The interviewer of Touise reveals that, “She started by giving me head, but she was so lazy that a $5 upgrade got me pussy.”

The women also get paid for being interviewed. The interviewer promoting Patty describes her as “a veteran crack ho, who has an insatiable oral fixation and cum is a nutritional part of her daily diet. She has been known to suck off up to 30 guys a day to keep money in her pocket. Watch this video to hear her horrid tales of street walking in the concrete jungle. This crack whore was thrilled to do this video for only $20 and a hot lunch.”

Judy McGuire writes: “I’m not at all surprised that there’s a market for this brand of depravity. It’s about control and power—a bit like bondage and sado-masochism, but with a class/socio-economic element that takes things to a completely different level. There’s no ‘safe word’ when you’re dealing with someone who’s trapped in an alley and is weak from hunger, shaking from the cold, or sick because she desperately needs to fix herself. It’s the ultimate power play. In fact, I’m a little shocked it’s not more popular. So while I don’t think there are many among us who would find actually being penniless and living on the streets very gratifying (there but for the grace of a rent-stabilized apartment go I), there are plenty who find having the upper hand the ultimate aphrodisiac.”

No matter what turns on any individual porn seeker, there will always be a perfect mate patiently waiting to satisfy him on the Internet.