Will woke late and sore. Even his penis was bruised. Out of the bedroom (or garage), Linda was a sweet person, a close friend, called him ‘Good Guy’, made muffins. Inside, she was a sadistic nutjob wringing juice from body parts with bare hands.
The house was empty. Will was glad because he had things he needed to do, privately. He went into his office before his morning coffee, picked up his notebook (had he left it open?) and sat on the sofa bed. He inhaled deeply and blew the air onto the notebook. ‘4)’ he wrote at the top of page four. He couldn’t write the word. How could he? Then, if he couldn’t write it on a piece of paper, how would he ever do it?
‘Suicide.’
Will felt he’d already done it. Like scratching ‘I love Cynthia’ on the fence of the Bothy after their third date all those years ago. If he hadn’t loved her before that scribe, he felt he must after.
About 55,600,000 search results. Suicide was a popular subject. He narrowed the criteria: ‘How to commit suicide safely’, deleted ‘safely’, as it was ridiculous, and clicked on Wikipedia’s succinct guide to the choices available.
Options now forming a list in his notebook, Will pondered, scoring them out of ten thus:
1. Pesticides
Would screw up organs.
0/10
2. Bleeding/wrist cutting
I’m too scared. And apparently this can be much worse than you expect.
2/10
3. Drowning
How would they get me out of the loch/river/ swimming pool? Timing would be very difficult. Would need a fit attendant.
1/10
4. Suffocation
Hard to manage head bag on my own. Would naturally fight against it.
2/10
5. Electrocution
Ow! Can get seriously burnt too. Still … pretty quick.
4/10
6. Jumping
Afraid of heights and kidney may be pulp.
0/10
7. Firearms
Hmm.
8/10
8. Hanging
Oh but do I have to? If you get it wrong, it can go on for ages. If you get it right …
7/10
9. Vehicular impact – Rail/subway train
See ‘6. Jumping’ above.
0/10
10. Poisoning – Pesticide poisoning/Drug overdosing/
Carbon monoxide poisoning/Other toxins
Would probably damage organs. Not 100% sure how much.
3/10
11. Immolation
eath by fire, methinks not.
0/10
12. Seppuku
Samurai warrior style. Could I be a warrior? Maybe.
Could I dress up all fancy?
12a. Research dress requirements and purchase online
Could I hold my sword before me?
12b. Buy sword
Could I place my special cloth beneath?
12c. Need special cloth as well
Could I read my death poem?
Often sidetracked, Will set to on the death poem required for a Samurai warrior to commit seppuku. One hour and seventeen scrunched sheets of A4 printing paper later, this was the result:
12d. Death Poem
I’ve always found it difficult
To choose the perfect gift
Till now.
Smile about this.
Please, when you open this,
Smile.
Though wrapped with love,
The paper is meaningless
As I’ve only ever lived through you
And this way
I can continue.
He was pleased with the poem. It made him cry. He wiped his tears and wrote:
Could I open my kimono, take up my short sword and plunge it into my abdomen?
Could I make a cut to the left, a cut to the right, an upwards stroke?
I would need an attendant.
12e. Find attendant who does not think this all too weird
The attendant, standing by on the second stroke, would perform daki-kubi when I was all but decapitated, leaving a slight band of flesh attaching my head to my body.
Fuck it, that sounds dreadful.
0/10
13. Apocarteresis (suicide by starvation)
Very slow. And I’ve never been able to resist crisps.
If someone offers me one, I’ll just eat it.
0/10
14. Explosion
Ha! NO!
0/10
15. Suicide attack (like a suicide bomber)
No need to kill anyone else.
0/10
16. Indirect suicide (get a cop to shoot me … i.e. force someone else into doing it)
Have to take someone hostage or something. Too hard. Might shoot my kidneys.
0/10
17. Assisted suicide …
Okay, here we go! Legal, painless. Just need compelling reason to die. (What could be more compelling than my reason?) Dignified, not scary, kind, clean, calm.
*
As he googled, he became more and more excited. Dignitas! People went there all the time. Never came back, mind.
Dignitas, the Swiss suicide clinic, the five-star suicide clinic, the suicide clinic voted by users as the best suicide clinic in the world. Could it be painless? Could he arrange safe, immediate transplants in Switzerland?
He’d considered being a kidney tourist, why not a suicide tourist? He’d always wanted to travel.
He read everything there was to read about it online. It was a crushing blow when he discovered that he needed recommendations from doctors (15g), which he would never get, and also that the girls may be prosecuted for helping him (15h).
‘2/10’ he wrote, downhearted.
So, he thought, perusing the very tidy list which had in fact taken up three pages after the one he’d ripped out earlier …
It’d have to be the gun.