This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after having confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her brother, told him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer might be brought, in order to write her last will. Mr. Pickle surprised at her demand, began to act the part of a comforter, assuring her that her distemper was not at all dangerous; and that he would instantly send for a physician, who would convince her that she was in no manner of jeopardy; so that there was no occasion at present, to employ any officious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself was heir at law to his sister’s whole real and personal estate.1 But she insisted upon his compliance with such determined obstinacy, that he could no longer resist her importunities; and a scrivener arriving, she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed to commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourning ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship and affection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured him, generously remembered by the testatrix.
The lieutenant fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched for an opportunity, and as soon as he perceived the commodore’s features a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they had suffered so long, ventured to inform him that Pickle’s sister lay at the point of death, and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. This piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion, and Mr. Hatchway imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage of that favourable moment, and counselled him to go and visit the poor young woman, who was dying for love of him. But his admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable; for Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her disorder than his morosity recurring, he burst out into a violent fit of cursing, and forthwith betook himself again to his hammock, where he lay uttering in a low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations, for the space of four and twenty hours, without ceasing. This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who eager to inhance the pleasure of the entertainment still more, and at the same time conduce to the success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed upon Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get upon the top of the chimney belonging to the commodore’s chamber, at midnight, and to lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being performed, he put a speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hollowed down the vent, in a voice like thunder, “Trunnion! Trunnion! turn out and be spliced,2 or lie still and be damned.” This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence and darkness of the night, as well as the eccho of the passage through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished commodore, than turning his eye towards the place from whence this solemn address seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering object that vanished in an instant; and just as his superstitious fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger cloathed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boatswain’s mate, according to the instructions he had received; and he had time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected by his commander, who could not for a whole hour recollect himself from the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.
At length, however, he got up and rung his bell with great agitation. He repeated the summons more than once, but no regard being paid to this alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat bedewed his limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remains of his teeth were shattered to pieces in the convulsive vibrations of his jaws.
In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and bursting open the door of his apartment, bolted into Hatchway’s chamber, which happened to be on the same floor; and there found the lieutenant in a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in an ejaculation of “Lord have mercy upon us!” And being questioned by the terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion himself had been discomposed.
Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence to the same purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had heard the voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all the aggravation which his disturbed fancy suggested.
A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway very gravely observed, that the finger of God was plainly perceivable in those signals; and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard his commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, more advantageous than any that one of his years and infirmities could reasonably expect; declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised the holy will of heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution.
Trunnion’s perseverance could not resist the number and diversity of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all the opposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after having been, to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and heaving a piteous groan, yielded to their remonstrances in these words: “Well, since it must be so, I think we must e’en grapple. But damn my eyes! ’tis a damn’d hard case that a fellow of my years should be compelled, d’ye see, to beat up to windward all the rest of his life, against the current of his own inclination.”3
This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely rewarded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears. Sick as she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the contrivance, in consequence of which her swain’s assent had been obtained, and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of the part he acted in the farce.
In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to her apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her in a languishing manner and genteel dishabille, accompanied by her sister-in-law; who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely sollicitous about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his behaviour at this interview, he made a thousand wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of How d’ye? to his mistress; and after his counsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he had replied aloud, “Damn your eyes I won’t,” he got up, and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation, he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips; but this piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so disconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the other end of the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame and vexation. Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence of going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway taking the hint, recollected that he had left his tobacco pouch in the parlour, whither he immediately descended, leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments. Never had the commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma before. He sat in an agony of suspence, as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution of nature; and the imploring sighs of his future bride added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress. Impatient of his situation, he rolled his eye around in quest of some relief, and unable to contain himself, exclaimed, “Damnation seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he has sheered off, and left me here in the stays.”4 Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifestation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to him that he could not put up with her company for a few moments without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him with his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he replied, “Zounds! what would the woman have? let the parson do his office when he wool, here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial block,5 d’ye see, and damn all nonsensical palaver.” So saying, he retreated, leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at his plain-dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet,6 and by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant settled to the satisfaction of all parties, without the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in the business; making that condition the indispensible preliminary of the whole agreement. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs. Grizzle’s heart dilated with joy; her health, which by the bye was never dangerously impaired, she recovered as if by inchantment, and a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the short period of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration of her entrance into the married state.