As the German professed himself a man of learning, and sometimes affected to make a parade of it, by examining the younger boys on the rudiments of grammar, which he made shift to comprehend; Peregrine, who was advanced as far as Cornelius Nepos,1 used to teize and perplex him, by frequently begging his explanation of certain sentences in that author, while the usher was engaged in some other employment.
On these occasions he practised a thousand pitiful shifts to conceal his own nakedness; sometimes reprehending the boy for disturbing him in his meditations, sometimes pleading the weakness of his eyes, that hindered him from considering the passage; and sometimes remitting him to the dictionary, as a punishment for his inattention when it was construed by Mr. Jennings. Notwithstanding these evasions, he was persecuted by his tormentor with such perseverance, that he could find no other resource than that of pretending to be in a violent hurry, in consequence of which he always quitted the place; so that whenever Perry and his companions were incommoded by his presence, they had recourse to this expedient, which never failed to expel him in a trice.
Not contented with having thus rendered him contemptible in the eyes of his disciples, this indefatigable wag exercised his invention in various contrivances, to plague, disturb and expose him.
Conscious of his own defect in point of stature and proportion, the little pedant used all the additions of art and address to improve his person, and raise himself as near as possible to the standard dimensions of nature; with this view he wore shoes with heels three inches high, strutted like a peacock in walking, and erected his head with such muscular exertion, as rendered it impossible for him to extend his vision downwards below the preternatural prominence of his breast. Peregrine, therefore, taking advantage of this foppery, used to strew his way with bean-shells, on which whenever he chanced to tread, his heels slipped from under him, his hunch pitched upon the ground, and the furniture of his head fell off in the shock;2 so that he lay in a very ludicrous attitude for the entertainment of the spectators. He moreover seized opportunities of studding his breeches with large pins, which when he sat down with a sudden jirk, penetrated the skin of his posteriors, and compelled him to start up again with infinite expedition, and roar hideously with the pain. Nay, perceiving that he was extremely penurious in his house-keeping, he spoilt many a pot of excellent soup maigre,3 by slily conveying into it handfuls of salt or soot, and even drove needles into the heads of sundry fowls, that from the suddenness of their death he might conclude some infection was communicated to his poultry, and dispose of them accordingly for the half of their value. But no instance of young Pickle’s mischievous talents affected him with such immediate perplexity and confusion as this that I am going to recount.
Being apprized by one of his friends that a lady of fashion intended to visit his school on a certain day, without giving any previous notice of her coming, that she might be an eye-witness of the accommodation in his house before she would commit her son to his care, he ordered his boarders and apartments to be dished out for the occasion,4 spared no pains in adorning his own person, and in particular employed a whole hour in adjusting a voluminous tye,5 in which he proposed to make his appearance. Thus prepared, he waited with great confidence and tranquillity, and no sooner saw the coach appear at a distance, than he went to his closet in order to put on the periwig, which he had deposited in a box, that no accident might ruffle or discompose it before it was presented to her ladyship; but neither the box nor its contents were to be found. At first he thought it might be misplaced by some of the servants, to whom he called with great eagerness and vociferation, while he himself ran from room to room in quest of what he wanted: the domesticks could give him no intelligence of his tye; he heard the gates opened to admit the equipage, his impatience increased, he swore in high Dutch,6 the noise of the wheels on his pavement saluted his ears, his vexation redoubled, and tossing his night-cap on the floor, he waddled down stairs to the hall for his ordinary periwig, which he now found himself compelled to wear. How shall I describe his distraction when he understood that too was missing! he became quite delirious, foamed at the mouth, danced to and fro in the passage like one bereft of his senses, blasphemed alternately in English and French, and must have been found by the lady in that frantic condition, had not his servants conveyed him to his own chamber by force.
The noble visitant was received by Jennings, who told her that Mr. Keypstick was confined to his bed, and explained the whole œconomy of the school so much to her satisfaction, that she resolved to honour them with the charge of her own offspring. Keypstick fell sick in good earnest, and his intellects seemed to have received a rude shock from the violence of the passion into which he had been precipitated by the roguery of Peregrine, who had concealed both periwigs in the cellar, and now having enjoyed his trick, carried them back unperceived to the places from which they had been removed.
A whole week elapsed before the master recovered so much temper as to appear decently in public; and even then his countenance was stormy, and his resentment against the authors of his disgrace so intense, that he promised a reward of five guineas to any boy that would discover the principal actor, or any of the accomplices concerned in this audacious intrigue; declaring that no consideration should screen the offenders from condign punishment, could they once be convicted of the trick.
Pickle had not conducted this Jeu d’esprit without participation, and some there were privy to the affair whose fidelity was not incorruptible; but their secrecy was secured by the terror of Peregrine, whose authority and influence was such as to baffle the master in all his endeavours to unravel the conspiracy.
This extraordinary reserve, and the recollection of several other mortifying jokes he had undergone, inspired him with ungenerous suspicions of Mr. Jennings, who he could not help thinking had been at the bottom of them all, and spirited up principles of rebellion in the school, with a view of making himself independent. Possessed with this chimera,7 which was void of all foundation, the German descended so low as to tamper in private with the boys, from whom he hoped to draw some very important discovery; but he was disappointed in his expectation; and this mean practice reaching the ears of his usher, he voluntarily resigned his employment, and finding interest to obtain holy orders in a little time after, left the kingdom, hoping to find a settlement in some of our American plantations.
The departure of Mr. Jennings produced a great revolution in the affairs of Keyp-stick, which declined from that moment, because he had neither authority to enforce obedience, nor prudence to maintain order among his scholars; so that the school degenerated into anarchy and confusion, and he himself dwindled in the opinion of his imployers, who looked upon him as superannuated, and withdrew their children from his tuition.
Peregrine seeing this dissolution of their society, and finding himself every day deprived of some companion, began to repine at his situation, and resolved, if possible, to procure his release from the jurisdiction of a person whom he both detested and despised. With this view he went to work, and composed the following billet, addressed to the commodore, which was the first specimen of his composition in the epistolary way.
Hoping you are in good health, this serves to inform you, that Mr. Jennings is gone, and Mr. Keypstick will never meet with his fellow. The school is already almost broke up, and the rest daily going away; and I beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also, for I cannot bear to be any longer under one who is a perfect ignoramus, who scarce knows the declination of musa,8 and is more fit to be a scare-crow than a schoolmaster; hoping you will send for me soon, with my love to my aunt and my duty to my honoured parents, craving their blessing and yours. And this is all at present from, honoured uncle, your well-beloved and dutiful nephew and godson, and humble servant to command ’till death
PEREGRINE PICKLE.
Trunnion was overjoyed at the receit of this letter, which he looked upon as one of the greatest efforts of human genius, and as such communicated the contents to his lady, whom he had disturbed for the purpose in the middle of her devotion, by sending a message to her closet, whither it was her custom very frequently to retire. She was out of humour at being interrupted, and therefore did not peruse this specimen of her nephew’s understanding with all the relish that the commodore himself had enjoyed; on the contrary, after sundry paralytical endeavours to speak, (for her tongue sometimes refused its office) she observed that the boy was a pert jackanapes,9 and deserved to be severely chastised for treating his betters with such disrespect. Her husband undertook his godson’s defence, representing with great warmth that he knew Keypstick to be a good for nothing pimping old rascal, and that Perry shewed a great deal of spirit and good sense in desiring to be taken from under his command; he therefore declared that the boy should not live a week longer with such a shambling son of a bitch, and sanctioned his declaration with abundance of oaths.
Mrs. Trunnion composing her countenance into a look of religious demureness, rebuked him for his profane way of talking, and asked in a magisterial tone if he intended never to lay aside that brutal behaviour? Irritated at this reproach, he answered in terms of indignation, that he knew how to behave himself as well as e’er a woman that wore a head,10 bad her mind her own affairs, and with another repetition of oaths gave her to understand that he would be master in his own house.
This insinuation operated upon her spirits like friction upon a glass globe,11 her face gleamed with resentment, and every pore seemed to emit particles of flame. She replied with incredible fluency of the bitterest expressions. He retorted equal rage in broken hints and incoherent imprecations. She rejoined with redoubled fury, and in conclusion he was fain to betake himself to flight, ejaculating curses against her; and muttering something concerning the brandy-bottle, which, however, he took care should never reach her ears.
From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs. Pickle, to whom he imparted Peregrine’s epistle with many encomiums upon the boy’s promising parts; and finding his commendations but coldly received, desired she would permit him to take his godson under his own care.
This lady, whose family was now increased by another son that seemed to engross her care for the present, had not seen Perry during a course of four years, and with regard to him, was perfectly weaned of that infirmity known by the name of maternal fondness; she therefore consented to the commodore’s request with great condescension, and a polite compliment to him on the concern he had all along manifested for the welfare of the child.