Trunnion having obtained this permission that very afternoon, dispatched the lieutenant in a post chaise to Keypstick’s house, from whence in two days he returned with our young hero; who being now in the eleventh year of his age, had outgrown the expectation of all his family, and was remarkable for the beauty and elegance of his person. His godfather was transported at his arrival, as if he had been actually the issue of his own loins. He shook him heartily by the hand, turned him round and round, surveyed him from top to bottom, bad Hatchway take notice how handsomely he was built; squeezed his hand again, saying, “Damn ye, you dog, I suppose you don’t value such an old crazy son of a bitch as me, a rope’s end. You have forgot how I wont to dandle you on my knee, when you was a little urchin no higher than the Davit,1 and played a thousand tricks upon me, burning my bacco-pouches and poisoning my rumbo: O! damn ye, you can grin fast enough I see; I warrant you have learnt more things than writing and the Latin lingo.” Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful occasion; and coming up to Perry, thrust forth his forepaw, and accosted him with the salutation of “What chear, my young master? I am glad to see thee with all my heart.” These compliments being passed, his uncle halted to the door of his wife’s chamber, at which he stood hollowing, “Here’s your kinsman Perry, belike you won’t come and bid him welcome.” “Lord! Mr. Trunnion,” said she, “why will you continually harrass me in this manner with your impertinent intrusion?” “I harrow you,” replied the commodore, “’sblood! I believe your upper works are damaged. I only came to inform you that here was your cousin, whom you have not seen these four long years; and I’ll be damned if there is such another of his age within the king’s dominions, d’ye see, either for make or mettle; he’s a credit to the name, d’ye see, but damn my eyes I’ll say no more of the matter; if you come you may, if you won’t you may let it alone.” “Well, I won’t come then (answered his yoke-fellow) for I am at present more agreeably employed.” “Oho! you are? I believe so too”; cried the commodore, making wry faces and mimicking the action of dram-drinking. Then addressing himself to Hatchway, “Prithee Jack,” said he, “go and try thy skill on that stubborn hulk; if any body can bring her about I know you wool.” The lieutenant accordingly taking his station at the door, conveyed his perswasion in these words, “What won’t you turn out and hail little Perry? It will do your heart good to see such a handsome young dog; I’m sure he is the very moral of you,2 and as like as if he had been spit out of your own mouth,3 as the saying is; do shew a little respect for your kinsman, can’t you.” To this remonstrance she replied in a mild tone of voice, “Dear Mr. Hatchway, you are always teazing one in such a manner; sure I am, no body can tax me with unkindness, or want of natural affection”; so saying, she opened the door, and advancing to the hall where her nephew stood, received him very graciously, and observed that he was the very image of her papa.
In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the house of his parents; and strange to tell, no sooner was he presented to his mother than her countenance changed, she eyed him with tokens of affliction and surprize, and bursting into tears, exclaimed her child was dead, and this was no other than an impostor whom they had brought to defraud her sorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this unaccountable passion, which had no other foundation than caprice and whim; and Gamaliel himself so disconcerted and unsettled in his own belief, which began to waver, that he knew not how to behave towards the boy, whom his godfather immediately carried back to the garrison, swearing all the way that Perry should never cross their threshold again with his goodwill. Nay, so much was he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation, that he refused to carry on any further correspondence with Pickle, until he was appeased by his sollicitations and submission, and Peregrine owned as his son and heir. But this acknowledgment was made without the privity of his wife, whose vicious aversion he was obliged, in appearance, to adopt. Thus exiled from his father’s house, the young gentleman was left entirely to the disposal of the commodore, whose affection for him daily increased, insomuch, that he could scarce prevail upon himself to part with him, when his education absolutely required that he should be otherwise disposed of.
In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not produced, at least rivetted by that peculiar turn in Peregrine’s imagination, which we have already observed; and which, during his residence in the castle, appeared in sundry stratagems he practised upon his uncle and aunt, under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway, who assisted him in the contrivance and execution of all his schemes. Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in their undertakings; for, being a trusty fellow, not without dexterity in some cases, and altogether resigned to their will, they found him a serviceable instrument for their purpose, and used him accordingly.
The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs. Trunnion, from whose chamber Peregrine having secreted a certain utensil, divers holes were drilled through the bottom of it by their operator; and then it was replaced in a curious case that stood by the bed-side, in which it was reserved for midnight-occasions. The good lady had that evening made several extraordinary visits to her closet, and that sort of exercise never failed of having a diuretic effect upon her constitution; so that she and her husband were scarce warm in bed, when she found it convenient to reach out her hand, and introduce this receptacle under the cloaths. It was then that Peregrine’s roguery took effect. The commodore, who had just composed himself to rest, was instantly alarmed with a strange sensation in his right shoulder, on which something warm seemed to descend in various streams: he no sooner comprehended the nature of this shower, which in a twinkling bedewed him from head to foot, than he exclaimed, “Blood and oons! I’m afloat?”4 and starting up, asked with great bitterness if she had pissed through a watering can. Equally surprized and offended at the indecent question, she began to regale him with a lecture on the subject of that respect in which she thought him so deficient; but perceiving the source of his displeasure, was silenced in the middle of the first sentence; and after a short pause of astonishment, screamed with vexation.
As there was a necessity for shifting the bed-linnen, she got up with great reluctance, rung her bell, and when her maid entered, presented this new fashioned cullender, and threatened with many choleric expressions to split it into a thousand pieces on her skull. Thunderstruck at the phænomenon, it was some time before the attendant could open her lips in her own vindication; at length, however, she protested she was innocent as the babe unborn,5 and that the pot was sound and intire when she rinsed it in the afternoon.
Her suspicion was of consequence transferred upon Perry, against whom she uttered many menacing invectives; though she was afterwards ashamed of disclosing her resentment, and in the mean time was fain to take up her night’s lodging in another apartment; while Trunnion, after a string of unmeaning oaths, which were extorted from him by his present uncomfortable situation, could not help laughing at the adventure; and Peregrine with his confederates, applauded themselves in secret for having reduced them to such ridiculous distress.
Encouraged by the impunity with which they performed this feat, our associates atchieved another, that had like to have been attended with very serious consequences. Mrs. Trunnion having one day received a sudden call which she could not help obeying, her nephew, who was always on the scout, took that opportunity of gliding unseen into her closet, and finding her case open, infused into one of the bottles a good quantity of powdered jallap,6 which had been purchased by the lieutenant for that purpose. He had desired the apothecary from whom he bought it, to give him as much as would impregnate two quarts of brandy, which, he guessed, each bottle might contain; and never dreamed that the patient, though left to her own discretion, was in any danger of taking an over-dose; he therefore directed Perry to convey the whole proportion into one of the full bottles that stood at some distance from that which he would perceive was in present use, that the spirits might have time to extract the virtues of the root before it should come to their turn. Every thing was done according to his prescription, and a very small hole being bored in the wainscot, through which they could reconnoitre her from another room; they observed her motions by turns, with a view of seeing whether or not she would be alarmed by the extraordinary taste of the tincture they had made.
When they had watched in this manner for three or four days, Pipes being upon duty, perceived her take the first cup of the composition, which she had no sooner swallowed, than she began to shut her eyes, smack her lips, spit and express all the marks of loathing and disgust: nevertheless, she seemed to doubt her own sense, rather than the flavour of the Coniac, the neatness of which she had already experienced, and therefore repeated the cordial, as if in defiance to her own distaste; taking care, however, to arm her palate with a large lump of sugar, through which it was strained in its passage.
Hatchway was startled when he understood she had taken such a dangerous draught of the medicine, especially as she had immediately after stepped into the coach to go to church, where he feared she might catch cold, or be otherwise affected, to the jeopardy of her person and the prejudice of her reputation. Nor was his fear altogether disappointed. The service was not half performed, when Mrs. Trunnion was suddenly taken ill; her face underwent violent flushings and vicissitudes of complexion; a cold clammy sweat bedewed her forehead, and her bowels were afflicted with such agonies, as compelled her to retire in the face of the congregation. She was brought home in torture, which was a little assuaged when the dose began to operate; but such was the excess of evacuation she sustained, that her spirits were quite exhausted, and she suffered a succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink of the grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by a physician who was called in the beginning of her disorder, and who, after having examined the symptoms, declared that the patient had been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed oily draughts and lubricating injections to defend the coats of the stomach and intestines from the vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral;7 at the same time hinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that it was not difficult to divine the whole mystery; and affecting to deplore the poor lady, as if she was exposed to more attempts of the same nature; thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent commodore, whom the officious son of Æsculapius8 suspected as the author of this expedient, to rid his hands of a yoke-fellow, for whom he was well known to have no great devotion. This impertinent and malicious insinuation made some impression upon the by-standers, and furnished ample field for slander, to asperse the morals of Trunnion, who was represented through the whole district as a monster of barbarity. Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with great decency and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffidence of her husband: not that she imagined he had any design upon her life, but that he had been at pains to adulterate the brandy, with the view of detaching her from that favourite liquor.
On this supposition she resolved to act with more caution for the future, without setting on foot any inquiry about the affair; while the commodore imputing her indisposition to some natural cause, after the danger was past, never bestowed a thought upon the subject; so that the perpetrators were quit for their fear, which, however, had punished them so effectually, that they never would hazard any more jokes of the same nature.