He and some of his companions one day entered a garden in the suburbs, and having indulged their appetites, desired to know what satisfaction they must make for the fruit they had pulled. The gardener demanded what (in their opinion) was an exorbitant price, and they with many opprobrious terms refused to pay it. The peasant being surly and intractable, insisted upon his right; neither was he deficient or sparing in the eloquence of vulgar abuse. His guests attempted to retreat, a scuffle ensued, in which Peregrine lost his cap, and the gardener being in danger from the number of his foes, called to his wife to let loose the dog, who instantly flew to his master’s assistance; and after having tore the leg of one, and the shoulder of another, put the whole body of scholars to flight. Enraged at the indignity which had been offered to them, they solicited a reinforcement of their friends, and with Tom Pipes at their head, marched back to the field of battle. Their adversary seeing them approach, called his apprentice, who worked at the other end of the ground, to his assistance, armed him with a mattock,1 while he himself wielded an hoe, bolted his door on the inside, and flanked with his man and mastiff, waited the attack without flinching. He had not remained three minutes in this posture of defence, when Pipes, who acted as the enemy’s forlorn hope,2 advanced to the gate with great intrepidity, and clapping his foot to the door, which was none of the stoutest, with the execution and dispatch of a petard,3 split it into a thousand pieces. This sudden execution had an immediate effect upon the ’prentice, who retreated with great precipitation, and escaped at a postern gate.4 But the master placed himself like another Hercules in the breach;5 and when Pipes brandishing his cudgel, stepped forward to engage him, levelled his weapon with such force and dexterity at his head, that had the skull been made of penetrable stuff, the iron edge must have cleft his pate in twain. Casemated as he was,6 the instrument cut sheer even to the bone, on which it struck with such amazing violence, that sparks of real fire were produced by the collision. And let not the incredulous reader pretend to doubt the truth of this phænomenon, until he shall have first perused the ingenious Peter Kolben’s Natural History of the Cape of Good Hope,7 where the inhabitants commonly use to strike fire with the shin-bones of lions which have been killed in that part of Africk.
Pipes, though a little disconcerted, far from being disabled by the blow, in a trice retorted the compliment with his truncheon, which, had not his antagonist expeditiously slipped his head aside, would have laid him breathless across his own threshold; but, happily for him, he received the salutation upon his right shoulder, which crashed beneath the stroke, and the hoe dropped instantly from his tingling hand. Tom perceiving, and being unwilling to forego the advantage he had gained, darted his head into the bosom of this son of earth,8 and overturned him on the plain, being himself that instant assaulted by the mastiff, who fastened upon the outside of his thigh. Feeling himself incommoded by this assailant in his rear, he quitted the prostrate gardener to the resentment of his associates, who poured upon him in shoals, and turning about, laid hold with both his hands of this ferocious animal’s throat, which he squeezed with such incredible force and perseverance, that the creature quitted his hold; his tongue lolled out of his jaws, the blood started from his eyes, and he swung a lifeless trunk between the hands of his vanquisher.
It was well for his master that he did not longer exist; for by this time he was overwhelmed by such a multitude of foes, that his whole body scarce afforded points of contact to all the fists that drummed upon it, consequently, to use a vulgar phrase, his wind was almost knocked out, before Pipes had leisure to interpose in his behalf, and persuade his offenders to desist, by representing that the wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood, and that in all probability, they would be intercepted in their return. They accordingly listened to his remonstrances, and marched homewards in triumph, leaving the gardener in the embraces of his mother earth, from which he had not power to move when he was found by his disconsolate helpmate and some friends whom she had assembled for his assistance. Among these was a blacksmith and farrier, who took cognizance of his carcase, every limb of which having examined, he declared there was no bone broke, and taking out his fleam,9 blooded him plentifully as he lay. He was then conveyed to his bed, from which he was not able to stir during a whole month, and his family coming upon the parish,10 a formal complaint was made to the master of the college, and Peregrine represented as the ring-leader of those who committed this barbarous assault. An inquiry was immediately set on foot, and the articles of impeachment being fully proved, our hero was sentenced to be severely chastised in the face of the whole school. This was a disgrace the thoughts of which his proud heart could not brook. He resolved to make his elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was doomed; and having signified his sentiments to his confederates, they promised, one and all, to stand by him, and either screen him from chastisement, or share his fate.
Confiding in this friendly protestation, he appeared unconcerned on the day that was appointed for his punishment; and when he was called to his destiny, advanced towards the scene, attended by the greatest part of the scholars, who intimated their determination to the master, and proposed that Peregrine should be forgiven. The superior behaved with that dignity of demeanor which became his place, represented the folly and presumption of their demand, reprehended them for their audacious proceeding, and ordered every boy to his respective station; but they had gone too far to retract, and instead of obeying the injunction they had received, marched directly out of the college, with their captain in the midst of them, and halting on a rising ground at the distance of a short mile from town, held a council to deliberate on what was to be done.
This consultation was too tumultuous to end in any unanimous decision, so that Mr. Pickle put himself at their head, and proceeded straight forward till the hurry and confusion that prevailed among them should subside; while Tom Pipes, who had by this time joined the company, brought up the rear with great calmness and tranquillity, and never once inquired into the reason of this extraordinary migration. They pursued this indeterminate course for six miles, when a public-house presenting itself to their view, there was a proposal made to halt for refreshment, and they disposed of themselves accordingly, as the conveniences of the place would permit. Having made a very hearty breakfast on bread and butter and cheese, which they took care to dilute with a proportionable quantity of ale; a motion was made for holding another board,11 from which the younger boys were excluded, that they might, as much as possible, avoid clamour and distraction in their counsels. Here Peregrine being invested with the supreme command, made a public speech to his constituents, wherein having thanked them for their generous interposition in his favour, and the great honour they now conferred upon him, he observed that in all likelihood, they should in a little time reap the fruits of their resolution, and be recalled with honour to the studies they had left; but as it would be necessary to persevere a little longer, that the masters might see they were not mere boys whom they had disobliged, he proposed that they should dismiss the minor brothers who were not capable of enduring a little fatigue, and deposit all their money in the hands of one person who should be chosen for that trust, and to regulate their expence upon the road; while they advanced farther into the country, and waited patiently for the terms which would undoubtedly be propounded unto them. The proposal was unanimously embraced, the money produced, to the amount of ten guineas, and put into the hands of Pipes, who was elected caterer and purser to the whole community; and the young boys being exhorted to return, the rest, to the number of five and twenty, departed under the auspices of Peregrine, who conducted them ten miles farther to a certain village, where they took up their lodging at an inn, and bespoke something hot for supper; after which they called for punch and strong beer, and indulged themselves in such intemperance, that in a little time riot and disorder prevailing, they sallied forth in quest of willing dames to crown their enjoyment, and committed many other excesses which the prudence and authority of Peregrine could not restrain.
In the morning the landlord saved them the trouble of calling for a bill, and they had the mortification to see that their night’s extravagance had mounted up their ex-pence to one half of their whole stock. They discharged the reckoning, and as few or none of them had any inclination or appetite for breakfast, put themselves in motion, and marched onwards for seven miles before they made another halt. This happened on the edge of a common, where they perceived the sign of the George,12 to the no small comfort and satisfaction of some among them, whose tongues by this time cleaved to the roofs of their mouths, in consequence of the debauch of last night. Here then they paused, and having moistened their throats with plentiful streams of ale, began to relish the situation, and ordered their steward to provide something for dinner. The people of the house would have gladly dispensed with their custom, as they had no great faith either in the finances or the principles of their guests, who seemed too young to be possessed of much money or consideration. But as they lived in a solitary place, unprovided with defence against the insults to which they might be exposed from the resentment of such a disorderly crowd, they would not venture to signify their distrust, and lamented that there was nothing in the house with which they could entertain them. Tom Pipes, who had observed a flock of geese upon the common, and abundance of poultry in the yard, took no notice of the landlord’s declaration, but went out, and in less than five minutes returned with provision sufficient to regale twice the number of his associates. The woman durst not venture to disapprove of what he had done, but after having assured him that the fowls were none of her own, very peaceably employed her whole family in preparing them for the fire, and some bacon and greens being added to the repast, our company disposed themselves in different groups upon the grass, and dined with great mirth and satisfaction, without once recollecting that another such meal would utterly exhaust their common fund. However, this sweet insensibility did not long prevail; about four o’clock they called to pay, and were very much startled to find themselves charged no less than two pounds eleven and sixpence for the entertainment they had received. They looked upon this reckoning as unconscionable, and disputed every article accordingly; but the landlady solemnly protested that the sum would barely indemnify her, and imputed great part of the charge to the unnecessary number of geese and chickens which had been slaughtered without her knowledge or consent.
Pipes, who on certain subjects, thought a little too much at large,13 proposed to punish her for her exorbitant demand, by marching off without paying one farthing; but this advice Peregrine declined with disdain, looking upon such an expedient as inconsistent with the dignity of the corps which he had the honour to command; and ordered that the bill should be immediately discharged. This affair being settled to the satisfaction of all parties concerned, they resumed their march, and in the evening arrived at a certain market town, where they resolved to fix their quarters until they should hear tidings from the college which they had left. With this view they chose their residence at the best inn belonging to the place, and determined to manage the remains of their fortune with great frugality. But the spirits of some amongst them beginning to flag, in consequence of the fatigue of their journey, and their own reflection that now represented the folly of their design, with the uncomfortable circumstances that must in a few hours attend the consumption of their stock; this prudent scheme of œconomy was over-ruled, a huge bowl of punch prepared, and Pipes ordered to enliven the company with a song. Their cares were in a little time overwhelmed, and the greatest part of the night was consumed in mirth and jollity; though the next morning they waked in the horrors, and universal despondence took place, when they learnt that their bank was scarce able to defray the expence of their bill, which they received next their stomachs,14 and were obliged to discharge.
They were now reduced to a dilemma that occasioned another general consultation, in which they agreed to club15 their pocket-pieces and silver buckles for present support,16 and give notice by letters of their situation to their respective relations, taking care to ascribe their distress to the ill usage they had met with at school: on this occasion Peregrine produced the ring and the medal he had received from Mrs. Trunnion, and Pipes not only presented his own purse, which was pretty well furnished, but even made a proffer of his silver whistle, with the chain by which it had for many years depended from his neck. They thanked him for his disinterested attachment, but all his sollicitations could not prevail upon the chiefs to profit by this instance of his good fellowship; because they considered him as a person whose assistance in this particular it was neither just nor honourable to use.