Mean while our hero and his new friend, together with honest Jack Hatchway, made daily excursions into the country, visited the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, and frequently accompanied them to the chace; all three being exceedingly caressed on account of their talents, which could accommodate themselves with great facility to the tempers and turns of their entertainers. The lieutenant was a droll in his way,1 Peregrine possessed a great fund of sprightliness and good humour, and Godfrey, among his other qualifications already recited, sung a most excellent song; so that the company of this triumvirate was courted in all parties, whether male or female; and if the hearts of our young gentlemen had not been pre-engaged, they would have met with opportunities in abundance of displaying their address in the art of love; not but that they gave a loose to their gallantry without much interesting their affections, and amused themselves with little intrigues, which, in the opinion of a man of pleasure, do not affect his fidelity to the acknowledged sovereign of his soul.
Had they used those advantages which their skill and accomplishments gave them over the warm unpractised minds of the young ladies to whom they had access, almost every family in the county, might have had cause to rue their acquaintance; but our adventurers, wild and licentious as they were, governed their actions by certain notions of honour, which they never presumed to infringe, and therefore, no domestic tragedies took rise from their behaviour.
Among the lower class of people, they did not act with the same virtuous moderation, but laid close siege to every buxom country damsel that fell in their way;2 imagining that their dalliance with such Dulcineas could produce no fatal effects; and that it would be in their power to attone for any damage these inamorata’s might sustain.
In the prosecution of these amours, Gauntlet could not help discovering a particular bias towards married women, and when questioned by his friend, defended his singularity of taste, by observing that such connections, if discreetly managed, are attended by none of those bad consequences which commonly pursue an amorous correspondence with single persons; because the wedded dame’s fortune is already made, and her husband stands as a buttress before her reputation.
Though Peregrine could not approve of this maxim which the soldier had adopted in the course of a military education, he could not avoid engaging as a second and confidant to his friend, in an intrigue which he carried on with a farmer’s wife in the neighbourhood. Godfrey had practiced all his arts in attempting to overcome the chastity of this woman, who was an hale rosy wench, lately married; and at length succeeded so far in his addresses, that she promised to admit him one night when her husband would be absent on business, which called him once a fortnight to the next market town.
He communicated his good fortune to Perry, desiring that he would accompany him to the place, in case of accident; and our young gentleman having undertaken the office of standing centinel over his friend, while he should enjoy his conquest, they set out at the time appointed, and arriving at the door, the gallant made the signal which had been agreed upon, and was let in accordingly, after having assured his confidant that he would be with him again in two hours at farthest.
Thus left to his own meditations, our hero began his patrole, beguiling the time with the most amusing fancies of a glowing imagination, and enjoying by anticipation all the pleasures attending affluence and youth, till at length his reverie was interrupted by a plump shower that compelled him to seek for shelter in a sort of shed,3 the door of which stood open to his view. Thither therefore he betook himself, and groping about as he entered in the dark, chanced to lay hold on a bushy beard, to his infinite surprize and consternation. Before he had time to form any conjecture concerning this strange object of his touch, he received a sudden shock upon his forehead that felled him to the ground in an instant, and as he lay, underwent the trampling of a huge body that rushed over him into the field. In this attitude he remained extended for the space of several minutes, before he recovered the use of sensation which he had lost, and then he perceived the blood trickling down from his temples in a double stream. The cause of this misfortune was still a mystery to him, and he made shift to rise, cursing his fate for having sustained such visible marks of disgrace in the exercise of such a ridiculous office; when strolling about with his handkerchief applied to his hurts, he discerned on the farther side of a tree a pair of large eyes glancing like two coals of fire. He immediately unsheathed his hanger, in the belief that now he had found the author of his mischance; and springing forward on his adversary, aimed a furious stroke that entered the body of the tree, in which his weapon stuck so fast, that he could not disengage it without some difficulty; while the object of his wrath made a precipitate retreat, and by an exclamation, gave him to know that his assailant was no other than an he-goat.
Mad as he was with indignation and shame, he could not help laughing at the ludicrous adventure, and had just set his invention at work to find some plausible excuse which he might make to the world, for the patches he knew he must wear on his face, when a window of the first story flying open, he saw something white descend with astonishing velocity, and running to the spot, found his friend Godfrey naked to the shirt. Confounded at his condition, he began to inquire into the reason of his precipitation, but received no answer until he had followed the fugitive to a place where they could not be overheard. There he understood that the soldier had been decoyed into the snare by the connivance of the husband, by whose direction he had (without all doubt) been admitted not only into the house, but even into his wife’s own bed, where the jilt had left him undressed, on pretence of fastening the doors, but in reality with a view of giving the hint to the farmer, who armed with a pitchfork and supported by his man, entered the room before he was aware, secured his sword and cloaths, and obliged him to take refuge in a closet, from the window of which he had thrown himself, in order to avoid the resentment of the boor, and the disgrace as well as expence of being taken in that situation.
Peregrine was tempted to laugh at the ridiculous issue of this adventure, but restrained himself in consideration of his friend’s temper and condition, neither of which were at that time proper objects of mirth; and stripping off his own coat, accommodated Godfrey’s naked shoulders; then after mature deliberation, they determined to leave the spoil in the hands of the enemy, because they foresaw it would be altogether impracticable to retrieve it, as well as hazardous both to their persons and reputation, to make any attempt towards the recovery of what was lost; the two friends, therefore, made their retreat in this trim to the garison, and the farmer remained in possession of all the soldier’s cloaths, sword and ready money, to the amount of ten pounds. But here the disaster did not end, the malicious peasant propagated the whole story in the neighbourhood, and an advertisement was pasted on the church door, for the perusal of the whole parish, giving a description of the goods, signifying the place where they were found, and offering to restore them to any person who should prove himself the right owner. This was a mortifying joke to Gauntlet, who was ashamed to shew himself for a whole week; nor was Peregrine exempted from a share of the disgrace, to which he was exposed by the marks on his forehead, that confined him also to the house, and subjected him to the ridicule of the commodore, who having heard the story, rallied the two adventurers, observing that it was well Gauntlet’s mast had not gone along with his rigging; and asking if the cuckold’s horns had run foul of Peregrine’s bows. Mrs. Trunnion, who chanced to be present, very demurely checked her husband for his profane scoffing, and in a severe lecture, rebuked the young men for their profligate courses, which, if they were not relinquished in time, would bring their bodies into trouble in this life, and their souls into perdition in that which is to come. While these fellow-sufferers were obliged to keep within doors, they held frequent consultations with the lieutenant, concerning some means of revenge, which the soldier was bent upon taking; because he could not forgive the double dealing of his mistress, who, he thought, might have declined his solicitations, without inveigling him into such a disgraceful situation. After much deliberation, they resolved to wait patiently, and watch for the husband’s absence, when by a stratagem they had concerted, they would endeavour to obtain admittance, and punish the wife’s perfidy, by fixing her as a monument, with her posteriors thrust out at a window, for the contemplation of her spouse when he should return in the morning.
The plan being laid, Peregrine found means to make himself acquainted with the farmer’s voice and manner of speaking, which he overheard one night at Tunley’s; and likewise to procure information of the day upon which he always went to a certain market, in order to dispose of his wheat, at such a distance, that he seldom failed of being abroad all night. According to this intelligence, the confederates attended by Pipes, set out one evening about nine o’clock for the house of the delinquent, where the lieutenant and Tom being placed at different avenues to prevent interruption, the two young gentlemen approached the door which was locked, and Peregrine in the rustic tone of the farmer demanded entrance; the wife never doubting that her husband was returned, in consequence of having met with a speedier sale than usual, sent her maid to let him in, and the door was no sooner opened, than our adventurers rushed into the house. The mistress was struck dumb with consternation, mistaking them for robbers, because they wore vizors, and were otherwise disguised; while the servant wench, terrified with the same apprehension, fell upon her knees, and begged they would spare her life and take all she had. Gauntlet taking the wife by the hand, led her trembling into that very chamber which had been the scene of his misfortune, where pulling off his mask, he upbraided her with the treachery she had practised upon him, and intimated the intention of his present visit. The lady asked pardon for what she had done with such submission, and deprecated his wrath so pathetically, that his heart relented, and he proposed terms of accommodation, which with some seeming reluctance she embraced, and he forthwith enjoyed a more agreeable revenge than that which he in his ire had projected.
Mean while Peregrine guessing the good fortune of his friend, and allured by the attractions of the maid, who was a cleanly florid girl,4 employed his address to such effectual purpose, that she yielded to his efforts; and he was as happy as such a conquest could make him.
The soldier and his companion having thus obtained all the satisfaction they required, and settled a correspondence which they did not afterwards neglect, retired in peace, applauding themselves on their success, and found their two centinels on their posts, whom they amused with a feigned story of having been so much moved by the tears and supplications of the criminal, that they desisted from their scheme of exposing her, and only inflicted the punishment of flagellation, which, they said, she had undergone.
Pipes was not well pleased when he found himself disappointed in the expectation of seeing her in the attitude to which she had been in council decreed; and Hatchway, though he pretended to acquiesce in their account, saw through the pretence, and ascribed their long stay to the true motive.