The painter, at the request of Pickle, who had a design upon the count’s sense of hearing, favoured the company with the song of Bumper Squire Jones,1 which yielded infinite satisfaction to the baron; but affected the delicate ears of the Italian in such a manner, that his features expressed astonishment and disquiet; and by his sudden and repeated journeys to the door, it plainly appeared, that he was in the same predicament with those who, as Shakespear observes, when the bagpipe sings in the nose, cannot contain their urine for affection.2
With a view, therefore, of vindicating music from such a barbarous taste, Mr. Pallet had no sooner performed his task, than the count honoured his friends with some favourite airs of his own country, which he warbled with infinite grace and expression, though they had not energy sufficient to engage the attention of the German, who fell fast asleep upon his couch, and snored so loud, as to interrupt, and totally annul this ravishing entertainment; so that they were fain to have recourse again to the glass, which made such innovation upon the brain of the physician, that he sung divers odes of Anacreon to a tune of his own composing,3 and held forth upon the music and recitative of the ancients with great erudition; while Pallet, having found means to make the Italian acquainted with the nature of his profession, harangued upon painting with wonderful volubility, in a language which (it was well for his own credit) the stranger did not understand.
At length the doctor was seized with such a qualm, that he begged Peregrine to lead him to his chamber; and the count, tired with the eternal babble of the painter, reeled towards the sleeping baron, whom he viewed with rapture, repeating from the Il Pastor Fido of Guarini,4
Come assetato infermo
Che bramò lungamenté
Il vietato licor—
—Tal’ Io! gran tempo infermo,
E d’amorosa sete arso, e consunto.5
Then boldly ravished a kiss, and began to tickle him under the ribs, with such expressions of tenderness, as scandalized the virtuous painter, who, conscious of his own attractions, was alarmed for his person, and staggered in great hurry and discomposure into the next room, where he put himself under the protection of our hero, to whom he imparted his suspicion of the count’s morals, by describing the indecency of his deportment.
Peregrine, who entertained a just detestation for all such abominable practices,6 was incensed at this information; and stepping to the door of the dining room where the two strangers were left together, saw with his own eyes enough to convince him, that Pallet’s complaint was not without foundation, and that the baron was not averse to the addresses of the count. Our young gentleman’s indignation had well nigh prompted him to rush in, and take immediate vengeance on the offenders; but, considering that such a precipitate step might be attended with troublesome consequences to himself, he resisted the impulse of his wrath, and tasked his invention with some method of inflicting upon them a disgrace suited to the grossness of their ideas. After having revolved sundry schemes of punishment, and even consulted Mr. Pipes, who being present at the discovery, undertook to sew them up in bags, with a reasonable quantity of ballast in each, and throw them over the Pont Neuf into the river;7 his imagination could not supply him with an expedient to his liking, and he was at a loss how to behave, when the landlady of the house, whom he knew to be a dame of remarkable vivacity, chancing to pass, furnished him with a hint, of which he immediately took the advantage, by begging she would do him the favour to step into the next room, and tell the gentlemen, that he would be with them as soon as the doctor could be put to bed.
The lady very graciously undertook the office, and entering the apartment, was so much offended and enraged at the mutual endearments of the two lovers, that instead of delivering the message with which she had been entrusted, she set the trumpet of reproach to her mouth, and seizing the baron’s cane, which she found upon the side-table, belaboured them both with such eagerness of animosity, that they found themselves obliged to make a very disorderly retreat, and were actually driven down stairs, in a most disgraceful condition, by this exasperated virago, who loaded them with just invectives all the way, publishing their shame, not only to those of her own family, but likewise to the populace, who began to crowd about the door, and in all probability would have espoused her revenge, had not their lacqueys, who were in waiting, conveyed the delinquents into the Remise,8 and carried them off with great expedition.
Peregrine was so delighted with the manner of the chastisement they had undergone, that he embraced the mistress of the hotel with transport, for the spirit she had exerted; and being rendered frolicksome with the wine he had drank, proposed that he and Pallet should go to a masquerade, which he recollected was to be given that night. The painter did not want curiosity and inclination to accompany him, but expressed his apprehension of losing him in the ball; an accident which could not fail to be very disagreeable, as he was an utter stranger to the language and the town. To obviate this objection, the landlady, who was of their council, advised him to appear in a woman’s dress, which would lay his companion under the necessity of attending him with more care, as he could not with decency detach himself from the lady whom he should introduce: besides, such a supposed connexion would hinder the ladies of pleasure from accosting, and employing their seducing arts upon a person already engaged.
Our young gentleman, foreseeing abundance of diversion in the execution of this project, seconded the proposal with such importunity and address, that the painter allowed himself to be habited in a suit belonging to the landlady, who also procured for him a mask and domino,9 while Pickle provided himself with a Spanish dress. In this disguise, which they put on about eleven o’clock, did they, attended by Pipes, set out in a Fiacre10 for the ball-room, into which Pickle led this supposititious female, to the astonishment of the whole company, who had never seen such an uncouth figure in the appearance of a woman.
After they had taken a view of all the remarkable masques, and the painter had been treated with a glass of liqueur, his mischievous companion gave him the slip, and vanishing in an instant, returned with another mask and a domino over his habit, that he might enjoy Pallet’s perplexity, and be at hand to protect him from insult.
The poor painter having lost his guide, was almost distracted with anxiety, and stalked about the room, in quest of him, with such huge strides and oddity of gesture, that he was followed by a whole multitude, who gazed at him as a preternatural phænomenon. This attendance increased his uneasiness to such a degree, that he could not help uttering a soliloquy aloud, in which he cursed his fate for having depended upon the promise of such a wag; and swore, that if once he was clear of this scrape, he would not bring himself into such a premunire again for the whole kingdom of France.11
Divers petit maitres understanding the masque was a foreigner,12 who in all probability could not speak French, made up to him in their turns, in order to display their wit and address, and teized him with several arch questions; to which he made no other answer than, “No parly Francy. Damn your chattering! Go about your business, can’t ye?” But, what most of all contributed to his torture and mortification, was a pressing call from nature, in consequence of the Champaign he had so liberally swallowed in the afternoon. In the character of a woman, he neither knew whither to retire, nor, had he known, durst he run the risk of being discovered, in such a situation, by the individuals of that sex; and if he should use the privilege of a man, in his present appearance, he foresaw that he must subject himself to the ridicule of the whole company; so that he was obliged to suffer the most racking pangs of retention, and coursed round and round the whole place, casting many a woeful look among the crowd in search of Pickle, against whom he uttered innumerable execrations. At length, however, he was compelled to yield to the urgent dictates of necessity, and following several gentlemen into a small adjoining room furnished for the occasion, discharged the source of his vexation in presence of them all, crying in his own excuse, “By your leave, by your leave. Egad! necessity has no law.”13 The circumstances of this operation were so extraordinary and ridiculous, that some of those who were witnesses of it, held up their hands in token of amazement; while others ran into the ball-room, and called their companions to see such an unheard-of spectacle.
Among the masques that, upon this intimation, came to see the painter’s attitude, was a person of great quality, who being a little acquainted with the English language, waited till Pallet turned about; and going up to him, “Madam, (said he) I give you joy of your happy pisse. It me seem, dat your vatere com vidout grand pain.” “Yes, thank God, Monsieur, (replied the painter) I never was troubled with the stone.” “Oho! (resumed the masque) so much de bettre. You love to ave de stone vidout trouble, if I not mistake.” “Gadzooks! my dear, you have nicked it to an hair! That is the very case, as I hope to be saved,” cried Pallet, bursting into a violent fit of laughter; which divesting the Frenchman of all ceremony and reserve, he began to be very free with the supposed lady, and attempted to plunge his hand into her bosom: but the painter was too modest to suffer such indecent treatment; and when the gallant repeated his efforts in a manner still more indelicate, lent him such a box on the ear, as made the lights dance before him, and created such a suspicion of Pallet’s sex, that the nobleman swore he was either a male or hermaphrodite, and insisted upon a scrutiny, for the sake of his own honour, with such obstinacy of resentment, that the fictitious nymph was in imminent danger, not only of being exposed, but also of undergoing severe chastisement, for having made so free with the prince’s ear; when Peregrine, who saw and over-heard every thing that passed, thought it was high time to interpose; and accordingly, asserted his pretensions to the insulted lady, who was overjoyed at this proof of his protection.
The affronted gallant persevered in demanding to know who she was, and our hero as strenuously refused to give him that satisfaction: so that high words ensued; and the prince threatening to punish his insolence, the young gentleman, who was not supposed to know his quality, pointed to the place where his own sword used to hang, and snapping his fingers in his face, laid hold on the painter’s arm, and led him to another part of the room, leaving his antagonist to the meditations of his own revenge.
Pallet having chid his conductor for his barbarous desertion, made him acquainted with the difficulty in which he had been involved, and flatly telling him, he would not put it in his power to give him the slip again, held fast by his arm during the remaining part of the entertainment, to the no small diversion of the company, whose attention was altogether engrossed in the contemplation of such an aukward, ungainly stalking apparition. At last, Pickle being tired of exhibiting this rareeshew,14 complied with the repeated desires of his companion, and handed her into the coach; which he himself had no sooner entered, than they were surrounded by a file of musqueteers, commanded by an Exempt,15 who ordering the coach-door to be opened, took his place with great deliberation, while one of his detachment mounted the box, in order to direct the driver.
Peregrine at once conceived the meaning of this arrest, and it was well for him that he had no weapon wherewith to stand upon his defence; for such was the impetuosity and rashness of his temper, that had he been armed, he would have run all risks rather than surrender himself to any odds whatever; but Pallet imagining that the officer was some gentleman who had mistaken their carriage for his own, desired his friend to undeceive the stranger; and when he was informed of the real state of their condition, his knees began to shake, his teeth to chatter, and he uttered a most doleful lamentation, importing his fear of being carried to some hideous dungeon of the Bastile,16 where he should spend the rest of his days in misery and horror, and never see the light of God’s sun, nor the face of a friend; but perish in a foreign land, far removed from his family and connexions. Pickle damned him for his pusilanimity, and the Exempt hearing a lady bemoan herself so piteously, expressed his mortification at being the instrument of giving her such pain, and endeavoured to console them, by representing the lenity of the French government, and the singular generosity of the prince, by whose order they were apprehended.
Peregrine, whose discretion seemed to forsake him on all such occasions, exclaimed with great bitterness against the arbitrary administration of France, and inveighed with many expressions of contempt, against the character of the offended prince, whose resentment, far from being noble, he said, was pitiful, ungenerous and unjust. To this remonstrance the officer made no reply, but shrugged up his shoulders in silent astonishment at the hardiesse of the prisoner,17 and the Fiacre was just on the point of setting out, when they heard the noise of a scuffle at the back of the coach, and the voice of Tom Pipes, pronouncing “I’ll be damn’d if I do.” This trusty attendant had been desired by one of the guard to descend from his station in the rear, but as he resolved to share his master’s fate, he took no notice of their intreaties, until they were seconded by force; and that he endeavoured to repel with his heel, which he applied with such energy to the jaws of the soldier who first came in contact with him, that they emitted a crashing sound like a dried walnut between the grinders of a templar in the pit.18 Exasperated at this outrage, the other saluted Tom’s posteriors with his bayonet, which incommoded him so much, that he could no longer keep his post, but leaping upon the ground, gave his antagonist a chuck under the chin, that laid him upon his back, and then skipping over him with infinite agility, absconded among the crowd of coaches, till he saw the guard mount before and behind upon his master’s Fiacre, which no sooner set forward than he followed at a small distance, to reconnoitre the place where Peregrine should be confined.
After having proceeded slowly through many windings and turnings to a part of Paris, in which Pipes was an utter stranger, the coach stopped at a great gate, with a wicket in the middle, which being opened at the approach of the carriage, the prisoners were admitted, and the guard returning with the Fiacre, Tom determined to watch in that place all night, that in the morning he might make such observations, as might be conducive to the enlargement of his master.