Though Pickle enjoyed their disaster, he was resolved to practise some invention upon the doctor, that he might not triumph in his revenge with impunity; and thus determined, when Pallet had overcome the malady of his own imagination, he imparted to him a plan of reprizal, which agreeably flattered his resentment, and was executed in this manner: as the painter and physician lay in separate beds in the same chamber, the former watched, till by the other’s snoring he was certified of his being fast asleep; then moving softly to the door, where Pipes stood ready furnished for the purpose, took a tea-kettle full of warm water, and cautiously conveying the spout under the cloaths of the doctor’s bed, poured in the liquor, imperceptibly, to the quantity of half a gallon, and then retired to rest.
Peregrine having undertaken to rouze his fellow-travellers in the morning, entered the doctor’s apartment with the dawn, and waked them both with the same hollow.1 The painter immediately sprung out of bed; but the physician, finding himself drenched from head to foot, was equally astonished and ashamed, never doubting that he had unfortunately bedewed himself in his sleep. This mistake he thought so inconsistent with the dignity of his character, that he durst not venture to disclose his condition, especially as he well knew how eagerly the company would seize such an occasion of making merry at his expence; and it would be impracticable to conceal it from their knowledge, if he should be obliged to get up in their presence: he therefore lay still in the utmost perplexity and tribulation, while his two companions, guessing his thoughts, and rejoicing at his anxiety, sat down by his bed-side, and exhorted him to rise. He told them, that having sweated profusely all night, he could not, with any regard to his health, get up, until he should be shifted,2 and the pores of his skin regularly closed; and in the mean time, desired they would take the trouble of seeing the horses put to the chaises, and the reckoning adjusted; assuring them, he should be ready to attend them before their business could be dispatched. Our young gentleman gave him to understand, that Mr. Jolter had charged himself with the payment of the bill, and the servants were now employed about the carriages, so that he had not a moment to lose; he therefore rung the bell for his footman, and bade him bring a clean shirt for his master with all possible speed.
Ere the fellow returned, it was broad day; and a message came from the governor, importing that the horses were yoked. The doctor’s confusion increased, he was tortured by the looks, and baited by the importunities of his company; and moreover, suffered the uncomfortable situation of being steeped, as he imagined, in his own brine. At length Peregrine, impatient of his delay, took the privilege of a comrade, and accusing the republican of sloth, pulled off the bed-cloaths at one snatch, and displayed him at full length, in this opprobrious condition.
The painter seeing him thus exposed, lifted up his hands, and in affected astonishment, “Lord watch over us! (cried he) the doctor is a dead man; sure the whole sap of his body is run out, or have you spilt a whole dish of sillykickaby in the bed?3 for it smells cursedly strong of sal armoniac.”4 Peregrine, in order to compleat the physician’s overthrow, shut up his nostrils with his finger and thumb, and asked in a snuffling tone, if he was subject to that infirmity.
Unspeakable were the shame and vexation of the modern Pindar on this occasion;5 he was at the same time tormented with all the pangs which mortified vanity can feel, and agitated by all the furies of resentment against the persons who had detected his disgrace, and who having thus insulted him in his distress, quitted the room with a loud laugh, leaving him to the thorny reflections of his own pride. Nor could the painter, who was not at all to be praised for his moderation, abstain from certain ill-natured allusions to his calamity, which by these means reached the ears of the governor, from whom (of all men) he desired to keep it concealed; so that he remained sullen and dejected during the whole journey: not but that he attempted to recover his importance, by haranguing upon the Roman highways, when Mr. Jolter desired the company to take notice of the fine pavement upon which they travelled from Paris into Flanders; but Pallet, who thought he had now gained the ascendency over the physician, exerted himself in maintaining the superiority he had acquired, by venting various sarcasms upon his self-conceit and affectation of learning, and even uttering puns and conundrums upon the remarks which the republican retailed. When he talked of the Flaminian Way,6 the painter questioned if it was a better pavement than the Fleminian way on which they travelled: and the doctor having observed, that this road was made for the convenience of drawing the French artillery into Flanders, which was often the seat of war; his competitor in wit replied with infinite vivacity, “There are more great guns than the French king knows of drawn along this causeway, doctor.”7
Encouraged by the success of these efforts, which tickled the imagination of Jolter, and drew smiles (as he imagined) of approbation from our hero, he sported in many other æquivoques of the same nature;8 and at dinner told the physician, that he was like the root of the tongue, as being cursedly down in the mouth.
By this time, such was the animosity subsisting between these quondam friends, that they never conversed together, except with a view of exposing each other to the ridicule or contempt of their fellow-travellers. The doctor was at great pains to point out the folly and ignorance of Pallet in private to Peregrine, who was often conjured in the same manner by the painter, to take notice of the physician’s want of manners and taste. Pickle pretended to acquiesce in the truth of their mutual severity, which indeed was extremely just, and by malicious insinuations blew up their contention, with a view of bringing it to open hostility. But, both seemed so averse to deeds of mortal purpose, that for a long time his arts were baffled, and he could not spirit them up to any pitch of resentment higher than scurrilous repartee.
Before they reached Arras,9 the city-gates were shut, so that they were obliged to take up their lodging at an indifferent house in the suburbs, where they found a couple of French officers, who had also rode post from Paris, so far on their way to Lisle.10 These gentlemen were about the age of thirty, and their deportment distinguished by such an air of insolence, as disgusted our hero, who, nevertheless, accosted them politely in the yard, and proposed that they should sup together. They thanked him for the honour of his invitation, which, however, they declined, upon pretence of having ordered something for themselves; but promised to wait upon him and his company immediately after their repast.
This they accordingly performed; and after having drank a few glasses of Burgundy, one of them asked, if the young gentleman would, for pastime, take a hand at quadrille.11 Peregrine easily divined the meaning of this proposal, which was made with no other view than that of fleecing him and his fellow-travellers; for he well knew to what shifts a subaltern in the French service is reduced, in order to maintain the appearance of a gentleman, and had reason to believe that most of them were sharpers from their youth: but, as he depended a good deal upon his own penetration and address, he gratified the stranger’s desire; and a party was instantly formed of the painter, the physician, the proposer and himself, the other officer having professed himself utterly ignorant of the game; yet, in the course of the play, he took his station at the back of Pickle’s chair, which was opposite to his friend, on pretence of amusing himself with seeing his manner of conducting the cards. The youth was not such a novice but that he perceived the design of this palpable piece of behaviour, which, notwithstanding, he overlook’d for the present, with a view of flattering their hopes in the beginning, that they might be the more effectually punished, by their disappointment in the end.
The game was scarce begun, when by the reflection of a glass he discerned the officer at his back, making signs to his companion, who, by these pre-concerted gestures, was perfectly informed of the contents of Peregrine’s hand, and of consequence fortunate in the course of play.
Thus they were allowed to enjoy the fruits of their dexterity, until their money amounted to some Loui’s;12 when our young gentleman, thinking it high time to do himself justice, signified in very polite terms to the gentleman who stood behind him, that he could never play with ease and deliberation when he was overlooked by any bystander, and begg’d that he would have the goodness to be seated.
As this was a remonstrance which the stranger could not with any shew of breeding resist, he asked pardon, and retired to the chair of the physician, who frankly told him, that it was not the fashion of his country for one to submit his hand to the perusal of a spectator; and when, in consequence of this rebuff, he wanted to quarter himself upon the painter, he was refused by a wave of the hand, and a shake of the head, with an exclamation of, Pardonnez moi! which was repeated with such emphasis, as discomposed his effrontery, and he found himself obliged to sit down in a state of mortification.
The odds being thus removed, fortune proceeded in her usual channel; and though the Frenchman, deprived of his ally, endeavoured to practise divers strokes of finesse, the rest of the company observed him with such vigilance and caution, as baffled all his attempts, and in a very little time he was compelled to part with his winning: but having engaged in the match with an intention of taking all advantages, whether fair or unfair, that his superior skill should give him over the Englishmen, the money was not refunded without a thousand disputes, in the course of which he essayed to intimidate his antagonist with high words, which were retorted by our hero with such interest, as convinced him that he had mistaken his man, and persuaded him to make his retreat in quiet. Indeed, it was not without cause that they repined at the bad success of their enterprize; because, in all likelihood, they had nothing to depend upon for the present but their own industry, and knew not how to defray their expences on the road, except by some acquisition of this kind.
Next morning they rose at day-break, and resolving to anticipate their fellow-lodgers, bespoke post-horses as soon as they could be admitted into the city; so that when our company appeared, their beasts were ready in the yard; and they only waited to discuss the bill, which they had ordered to be made out. The landlord of the inn presented his carte with fear and trembling to one of those ferocious cavaliers,13 who no sooner cast his eye upon the sum total, than he discharged a volley of dreadful oaths, and asked if the king’s officers were to be treated in that manner. The poor publican protested with great humility, that he had the utmost respect for his majesty, and every thing that belonged to him; and that, far from consulting his own interest, all that he desired was, to be barely indemnified for the expence of their lodging.
This condescension seemed to have no other effect than that of encouraging their arrogance. They swore his extortion should be explained to the commandant of the town, who would, by making him a public example, teach other inn-keepers how to behave towards men of honour; and threatened with such confidence of indignation, that the wretched landlord, dreading the consequence of their wrath, implored pardon in the most abject manner, begging with many supplications, that he might have the pleasure of lodging them at his own charge. This was a favour which he with great difficulty obtained; they chid him severely for his imposition, exhorted him to have more regard for his own conscience, as well as for the convenience of his guests; and cautioning him in particular touching his behaviour to the gentlemen of the army, mounted their horses, and rode off in great state, leaving him very thankful for having so successfully appeased the choler of two officers, who wanted either inclination or ability to pay their bill: for experience had taught him to be apprehensive of all such travellers, who commonly lay the landlord under contribution, by way of atonement for the extravagance of his demands, even after he has professed his willingness to entertain them on their own terms.