The young gentleman having performed these last offices, in honour of his deceased benefactor, and presented Mr. Jolter to the long-expected living, which at this time happened to be vacant, returned to London, and resumed his former gaiety: not that he was able to shake Emilia from his thoughts, or even to remember her without violent emotions; for, as he recovered his vigour, his former impatience recurred, and therefore he resolved to plunge himself head-long into some intrigue, that might engage his passions, and amuse his imagination.
A man of his accomplishments could not fail to meet with a variety of subjects, on which his gallantry would have been properly exercised; and this abundance distracted his choice, which at any time was apt to be influenced by caprice and whim. I have already observed, that he had lifted his view, through a matrimonial perspective, as high as a lady of the first quality and distinction; and now, that he was refused by Miss Gauntlet, and enjoyed a little respite from the agonies of that flame which her charms had kindled in his heart, he renewed his assiduities to her grace; and, though he durst not yet risk an explanation, enjoyed the pleasure of seeing himself so well received in quality of a particular acquaintance, that he flattered himself with the belief of his having made some progress in her heart; and was confirmed in this conceited notion, by the assurances of her woman, whom, by liberal largesses, he retained in his interest, because she found means to persuade him, that she was in the confidence of her lady. But, notwithstanding this encouragement, and the sanguine suggestions of his own vanity, he dreaded the thoughts of exposing himself to her ridicule and resentment, by a premature declaration, and determined to postpone his addresses, until he should be more certified of the probability of succeeding in his attempt.
While he remained in this hesitation and suspence, he was one morning very agreeably surprized with the appearance of his friend Crabtree, who, by the permission of Pipes, to whom he was well known, entered his chamber before he was awake, and, by a violent shake of the shoulder, disengaged him from the arms of sleep. The first compliments having mutually passed, Cadwallader gave him to understand, that he had arrived in town over-night in the stage-coach from Bath, and entertained him with such a ludicrous account of his fellow-travellers, that Peregrine, for the first time since their parting, indulged himself in mirth, even to the hazard of suffocation.
This relation was confined to a curious dialogue that passed betwixt a woollen-draper and his wife, who were his only companions during the best part of the journey. The lady laboured under a Diabetes,1 in consequence of having used the waters injudiciously for another complaint; and, that she might not be an impediment to the carriage, by ordering it to halt, as often as she should have occasion to disembogue, she had provided herself with a leathern convenience, which her husband carried in the pocket of his great coat, conveying it privately to her, when she found herself necessitated to use it; and afterwards, taking the opportunity to empty it out at the window, when the Misanthrope’s head chanced to be turned another way.
As this couple embarked with Crabtree, in the full persuasion of his being utterly bereft of the sense of hearing, they kept no sort of reserve in their conversation; and at last fairly quarrelled, on account of the good man’s want of alertness, in handing the commodity, when his help-mate’s occasions were so extremely pressing, that her flood-gates gave way, before she was prepared for the irruption. Smarting with this disagreeable circumstance, “Odds plague!2 you nincompoop, (cried she) you have fumbled so long about the pot, that I have drenched myself all over. I wish to God you had received the stream in your mouth.” “I thank you for your good-will, my dear, (answered the patient husband) you would promote me to the honour of being a pissing-post.” “I’m sure, (retorted his yoke-fellow, snatching the utensil from his hand) you are fit for no other post; and, accordingly, suffer yourself to be piss’d upon by every body. Witness your pitiful behaviour at the E. O. table,3 when that officer bullied you out of twenty guineas, which you wan’t obliged to pay.” “There you happen to be wide of the matter, (said the draper) the whole company gave it against me, as a fair bett; besides, the captain threatened to cut my throat, and I did not choose to give him that trouble.” “Cut your throat! (exclaimed the virago) I would a durst;4 you had a good action against him for putting you in fear of your life.5 But you are a poor tool, good for nothing but squandering away my money. If you had possessed spirit enough to follow my advice, you might have been a deputy of the ward, by this time. But, all your care is to sit among your companions of the garden, and sing bunting-songs,6 till you get drunk, leaving your trade at sixes and sevens,7 and your family to go to the dogs.”
The husband (pacific as he was) being nettled at these insinuations, frankly told her, that his affairs had never prospered, since she had persuaded him to swear a book-debt against a gentleman’s executor,8 after he had been paid by the deceased. Upon which, her eyes lightened with fury, and she called him a mean-spirited sorry fellow, for upbraiding her, a weak woman, with what she had done for his own good. “Sirrah, (said she) I suppose you would be base enough to turn evidence against me, if you thought you could get any thing by the information, though that was the only thing you ever did for your poor family. Who is to provide for my children, if their father don’t?” “And I wish from my heart their father would provide for them,” (said the husband, irritated by the epithets she had uttered.) “An’t you their father, Mr. Wiseacre, (cried the agressor:) Ha’n’t I brought you five as fine babes as any in the parish?” “Yes, yes, (replied the other) you have brought me several very fine children, that must be allowed; but, whether or not they are of my begetting, is a question that I am not quite so clear about.” “How, fellor! (replied the wife) do you doubt my vartue?” “No, not I, (answered the shopkeeper) I have no doubts about the matter. It is a long time since surgeon C—— assured me, that he would suckle upon his thumb all the children I should ever beget; and I have other convincing reasons to support his opinion.”
These last words had scarce proceeded from his mouth, when his sweet-blooded spouse, leaving her duty and obedience on the left hand, and forgetting that she was subject to the eye of any unconcerned spectator, lifted up the machine she had just replenished, and made such application with it to the forehead of her husband, as pressed the two sides of it together, by which means, the contents were squirted out in a full stream, that played upon the visage of the astonished Misanthrope; and, not satisfied with the vengeance she had taken, she quitted her weapon, and assaulted him with tooth and nail, exclaiming all the time, “Ah! you pitiful cuckoldy scrub, have you the impudence to own to my face, that you married a woman of my character, when you knew your own infirmities? You had a base design upon my fortune, you slave, although you was sensible that you could never deserve it. But, I’ll be revenged of you, if there be a man to be had for love or money.”
Thus, far from attempting to clear herself from the imputation implied in her husband’s words, she construed his declaration into an acknowledgment of the ill usage she had suffered; and while she trumpeted her own wrongs, with great vociferation, exercised her claws with such rancour and agility, that the poor draper was fain to roar aloud for assistance; and as Cadwallader had no inclination to interpose, he would, in all probability, have met with the fate of Orpheus,9 had not his cries reached the ears of the coachman, who descended from his box, and partly by threats, and partly by in-treaties, put an end to her operations.