CHAPTER LXXXVIII.
The memoirs of a lady of quality.¹

By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate, you will be convinced of my candour, while you are informed of my indiscretion; and be enabled, I hope, to perceive, that howsoever my head may have erred, my heart hath always been un-corrupted, and that I have been unhappy, because I loved, and was a woman.²

I believe I need not observe, that I was the only child of a man of good fortune,³ who indulged me, in my infancy, with all the tenderness of paternal affection; and when I was six years old, sent me to a private school, where I stayed till my age was doubled, and became such a favourite, that I was (even in those early days) carried to all the places of public diversion, the court itself not excepted; an indulgence that flattered my love of pleasure, to which I was naturally addicted, and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition, which spring up so early in the human mind.

I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run riot, my heart liberal and disinterested;⁴ though I was so obstinately attached to my own opinions, that I could not well brook contradiction; and in the whole of my disposition, resembled that of Henry the fifth, as described by Shakespear.⁵

In my thirteenth year I went to Bath,⁶ where I was first introduced into the world as a woman, having been intitled to that privilege by my person, which was remarkably tall for my years; and there my fancy was quite captivated by the variety of diversions in which I was continually engaged: not that the parties were altogether new to me, but because I now found myself considered as a person of consequence, and surrounded by a croud of admirers, who courted my acquaintance, and fed my vanity with praise and adulation. In short, whether or not I deserved their encomiums, I leave the world to judge; but my person was commended, and my talent in dancing met with universal applause. No wonder then, that every thing appeared joyous to a young creature, who was so void of experience and dissimulation, that she believed every body’s heart as sincere as her own, and every object such as it appeared to be.

Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for me, were two that bore a pretty equal share of my favour;⁷ (it was too superficial to deserve the name of love.) One of these was a forward youth of sixteen, extremely handsome, lively, and impudent, who attended in quality of page upon the princess Amelia,⁸ who spent that season at the Bath; the other was a Scotch nobleman turned of thirty, who was graced with a red ribbon,⁹ and danced particularly well, two qualifications of great weight with a girl of my age, whose heart was not deeply interested in the cause. Nevertheless, the page prevailed over this formidable rival; though our amour went no farther than a little flirting, and ceased intirely when I left the place.

Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene, and passed my time in the same circle of amusements; in which, indeed, each season at Bath is exactly resembled by that which succeeds, allowing for the difference of company, which is continually varying. There I met with the same incense, and again had my favourite, who was a North Briton, and captain of foot, near forty years of age, and a little lame, an impediment which I did not discover, until it was pointed out by some of my companions, who rallied me upon my choice. He was always chearful, and very amorous, had a good countenance and an excellent understanding, possessed a great deal of art, and would have persuaded me to marry him, had I not been restrained by the authority of my father, whose consent was not to be obtained in favour of a man of his fortune.

At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made to my parents; but, as they came from people whom I did not like, I rejected them all, being determined to refuse every man who did not make his addresses to myself in person, because I had no notion of marrying for any thing but love.

Among these formal proposers was a Scottish earl, whose pretensions were broke off by some difference about settlements; and the son of an English baron, with whom my father was in treaty, when he carried me to town, on a visit to a young lady, with whom I had been intimate from my infancy. She was just delivered of her first son, for whom we stood sponsors;¹⁰ so that this occasion detained us a whole month, during which, I went to a ball at court on the queen’s birthday,¹¹ and there, for the first time, felt what love and beauty were.

The second son of duke ——,¹² who had just returned from his travels, was dancing with the princess royal,¹³ when a young lady came and desired me to go and see a stranger, whom all the world admired: upon which, I followed her into the circle, and observed this object of admiration. He was dressed in a coat of white cloth, faced with blue sattin embroidered with silver, of the same piece with his waistcoat; his fine hair hung down his back in ringlets below his waist, and his hat was laced with silver, and garnished with a white feather; but his person beggared all description. He was tall and graceful, neither corpulent nor meagre, his limbs finely proportioned, his countenance open and majestic, his eyes full of sweetness and vivacity, his teeth regular, and his pouting lips of the complexion of the damask rose. In short, he was formed for love, and inspired it wherever he appeared; nor was he a niggard of his talents, but liberally returned it; at least what passed for such: for he had a flow of gallantry, for which many ladies of this land can vouch from their own experience: but he exclaimed against marriage, because he had, as yet, met with no woman, to whose charms he would surrender his liberty, though a princess of France, and a lady of the same rank in ——, were said to be, at that time, enamoured of his person.

I went home, totally ingrossed by his idea,¹⁴ flattering myself, that he had observed me with some attention; for I was young and new, and had the good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of the queen herself.

Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised with the appearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner saw me enter, than he approached so near to the place where I sat, that I overheard what he said to his companions; and was so happy as to find myself the subject of his discourse, which abounded with rapturous expressions of love and admiration.

I could not listen to these transports without emotion; my colour changed, my heart throbbed with unusual violence, and mine eyes betrayed my inclinations in sundry favourable glances, which he seemed to interpret aright, though he could not then avail himself of his success, so far as to communicate his sentiments by speech, because we were strangers to each other.

I passed that night in the most anxious suspence, and several days elapsed, before I saw him again. At length, however, being at court on a ball-night, and determined against dancing, I perceived him among the croud, and, to my unspeakable joy, saw him advance with my lord P——,¹⁵ who introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon found means to alter my resolution; and I condescended to be his partner all the evening; during which, he declared his passion in the most tender and persuasive terms that real love could dictate, or fruitful imagination invent.

I believed his protestations, because I wished them true, and was an unexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied with his earnest request of being permitted to visit me, and even invited him to breakfast next morning; so that you may imagine (I speak to those that feel) I did not, that night, enjoy much repose. Such was the hurry and flutter of my spirits, that I rose at six to receive him at ten. I dressed myself in a new pink sattin-gown and my best laced night-cloaths,¹⁶ and was so animated by the occasion, that if ever I deserved a compliment upon my looks, it was my due at this meeting.

The wished-for moment came, that brought my lover to my view: I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, and fear of I knew not what. We sat down to breakfast, but did not eat. He renewed his addresses with irresistible eloquence, and pressed me to accept of his hand, without farther hesitation: but, to such a precipitate step, I objected, as a measure repugnant to decency, as well as to that duty which I owed to my father, whom I tenderly loved.

Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not attempt to disguise the situation of my thoughts; and thus commenced a tender correspondence, which was maintained by letters while I remained in the country, and carried on (when I was in town) by private interviews, twice or thrice a week, at the house of my milliner, where such endearments passed as refined and happy lovers know, and others can only guess. Truth and innocence prevailed on my side, while his heart was fraught with sincerity and love. Such frequent intercourse created an intimacy which I began to think dangerous, and therefore yielded to his repeated desire, that we might be united for ever: nay, I resolved to avoid him, until the day should be fixed, and very innocently (though not very wisely) told him my reason for this determination, which was no other than a consciousness of my incapacity to refuse him any thing he should demand as a testimony of my love.

The time was accordingly appointed, at the distance of a few days, during which I intended to have implored my father’s consent, though I had but faint hopes of obtaining it: but, he was by some means or other apprized of our design, before I could prevail upon myself to make him acquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover at the Ridotto on the preceding evening,¹⁷ and there, perhaps, our eyes betrayed us. Certain it is, several of lord W——m’s relations, who disapproved of the match, came up and rallied him on his passion; lord S——k in particular,¹⁸ used this remarkable expression, “Nephew, as much love as you please, but no matrimony.”

Next day, the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom waiting for me at the appointed place, in all the transports of impatient expectation, I was, without any previous warning, carried into the country by my father, who took no notice of the intelligence he had received, but decoyed me into the coach, on pretence of taking the air; and when we had proceeded as far as Turnham green,¹⁹ gave me to understand, that he would dine in that place.

There was no remedy: I was obliged to bear my disappointment, though with an aching heart, and followed him up stairs into an apartment, where he told me he was minutely informed of my matrimonial scheme. I did not attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him, while the tears gushed from my eyes, that my want of courage alone had hindered me from making him privy to my passion; though I owned, I should have married lord W——m, even though he had disapproved of my choice. I reminded him of the uneasy life I led at home, and frankly acknowledged, that I loved my admirer too well to live without him; though if he wou’d favour me with his consent, I would defer my intention, and punctually observe any day he should fix for our nuptials. Mean while, I begged he would permit me to send a message to lord W——m, who was waiting in expectation of my coming, and might (without such notice) imagine I was playing the jilt. He granted this last request; in consequence of which, I sent a letter to my lover, who, when he received it, had almost fainted away, believing that I should be locked up in the country, and snatched for ever from his arms. Tortured with these apprehensions, he changed cloaths immediately, and taking horse, resolved to follow me whithersoever we would go.

After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford,²⁰ where we lay, intending to be at my father’s country-house next night;²¹ and my admirer putting up at the same inn, practised every expedient his invention could suggest, to procure an interview; but all his endeavours were unsuccessful, because I, who little dream’d of his being so near, had gone to bed upon our first arrival, overwhelmed with affliction and tears.

In the morning I threw myself at my father’s feet, and conjured him by all the ties of paternal affection, to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my admirer once more, before I should be conveyed from his wishes. The melancholy condition in which I preferred this supplication, melted the tender heart of my parent, who yielded to my solicitation, and carried me back to town, for that purpose.

Lord W——m, who had watched our motions, and arrived at his own lodgings, before we alighted at my father’s house, obeyed my summons on the instant, and appeared before me like an angel. Our faculties were, for some minutes, suspended by a conflict of grief and joy. At length, I recovered the use of speech, and gave him to understand, that I was come to town, in order to take my leave of him, by the permission of my father, whom I had promised to attend into the country next day, before he would consent to my return; the chief cause and pretence of which, was my earnest desire to convince him, that I was not to blame for the disappointment he had suffered, and that I should see him again in a month, when the nuptial knot should be tied in spite of all opposition.

My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had well nigh run distracted with this information. He swore he would not leave me, until I should promise to meet and marry him next day; or, if I refused to grant that request, he would immediately leave the kingdom, to which he would never more return; and before his departure, sacrifice lord H—— B——, son to the duke of S. A——,²² who was the only person upon earth who could have betrayed us to my father, because he alone was trusted with the secret of our intended marriage, and had actually undertaken to give me away; an office which he afterwards declined. Lord W——m also affirmed, that my father decoyed me into the country, with a view of cooping me up, and sequestering me intirely from his view and correspondence.

In vain I pleaded my father’s well-known tenderness, and used all the arguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge upon lord H——.²³ He was deaf to all my representations, and nothing, I found, would prevail upon him to suppress his resentment, but a positive promise to comply with his former desire. I told him, I would hazard every thing to make him happy; but could not, with any regard to my duty, take such a step, without the knowledge of my parent; or, if I were so inclined, it would be impracticable to elude his vigilance and suspicion. However, he employed such pathetic remonstrances, and retained such a powerful advocate within my own breast, that before we parted, I assured him, my whole power should be exerted for his satisfaction; and he signified his resolution of sitting up all night, in expectation of seeing me at his lodgings.

He had no sooner retired, than I went into the next room, and desired my father to fix a day for the marriage; in which case, I would chearfully wait upon him into the country; whereas, should he deny my request, on pretence of staying for the consent of my lover’s relations, which was very uncertain, I would seize the first opportunity of marrying lord W——m, cost what it would. He consented to the match, but would not appoint a day for the ceremony, which he proposed to defer until all parties should be agreed; and such a favourable crisis, I feared, would never happen.

I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lover’s expectation, by eloping, if possible, that very night; though the execution of this plan was extremely difficult, because my father was upon the alarm, and my own maid, who was my bedfellow, altogether in his interest. Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to engage one of the house-maids in my behalf, who bespoke an hackney-coach, to be kept in waiting all night; and to bed I went with my Abigail,²⁴ whom (as I had not closed an eye) I waked about five in the morning, and sent to pack up some things for our intended journey.

While she was thus employed, I got up, and huddled on my cloaths, standing upon my pillow, lest my father, who lay in the chamber below, should hear me afoot, and suspect my design.

Having dressed myself with great dispatch and disorder, I flounced down stairs, stalking as heavily as I could tread, that he might mistake me for one of the servants; and my confederate opening the door, I sallied out into the street, though I knew not which way to turn, and, to my unspeakable mortification, neither coach nor chair appeared.

Having travelled on foot a good way, in hope of finding a convenience; and being not only disappointed in that particular, but also bewildered in my peregrination, I began to be exceedingly alarmed with the apprehension of being met by some person who might know me; because, in that case, my design would undoubtedly have been discovered, from every circumstance of my appearance at that time of day; for I had put on the very cloaths which I had pulled off over night, so that my dress was altogether odd and peculiar: my shoes were very fine, and over a large hoop I wore a pink sattin quilted petticoat trimmed with silver, which was partly covered by a white dimity night-gown,²⁵ a full quarter of a yard too short: my handkerchief and apron were hurried on without pinning; my night-cap could not contain my hair, which hung about my ears in great disorder, and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope and fear, joy and shame.

In this dilemma, I made my addresses to that honourable member of society a shoeblack, whom I earnestly intreated to provide me with a coach or chair, promising to reward him liberally for his trouble: but he having the misfortune to be lame, was unable to keep up with my pace; so that, by his advice and direction, I went into the first public-house I found open, where I stayed some time, in the utmost consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I thought proper to bribe for their civility, not without the terror of being stripped.²⁶ At length, however, my messenger returned with a chair, of which I took immediate possession; and fearing that, by this time, my family would be alarmed, and send directly to lord W——m’s lodgings, I ordered myself to be carried thither backwards, that so I might pass undiscovered.

This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran up stairs, in a state of trepidation, to my faithful lover, who called an hackney-coach, in which we went to church and were married.²⁷

His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with double aggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the sorrow he suffered on account of my undutiful behaviour: for I loved him with such piety of affection, that I would have endured every other species of distress, rather than have given him the least uneasiness: but love (where he reigns in full empire) is altogether irresistible, surmounts every difficulty, and swallows up all other considerations. This was the case with me; and now the irrevocable step was taken, my first care was to avoid his sight. With this view, I begged that lord W——m would think of some remote place in the country, to which we might retire for the present; and he forthwith conducted me to an house on Black-heath,²⁸ where we were very civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemed to mistake me for one of her own sisterhood.

I no sooner perceived her opinion, than I desired lord W——m to undeceive her; upon which she was made acquainted with the predicament in which I stood, and shewed us into a private room, where I called for pen and paper, and wrote an apology to my father, for having acted contrary to his will, in so important a concern.

This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand, that there was a necessity for our being bedded immediately, in order to render the marriage binding, lest my father should discover and part us before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till the evening, objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon; but he found means to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince me, that it was now my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation of being obstinate and refractory on the first day of my probation, I suffered myself to be led into a chamber, which was darkened by my express stipulation, that my shame and confusion might be the better concealed, and yielded to the privilege of a dear husband, who loved me to adoration.

About five o’clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner, which we had ordered to be ready at four; but such a paultry care had been forgot, amidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got up, however, and when we came down stairs, I was ashamed to see the light of day, or meet the eyes of my beloved lord. I ate little, said less, was happy, though overwhelmed with confusion, underwent a thousand agitations, some of which were painful, but by far the greater part belonged to rapture and delight; we were imparadised in the gratification of our mutual wishes, and felt all that love can bestow, and sensibility enjoy.

In the twilight, we returned to lord W——m’s lodgings in town, where I received a letter from my father, importing, that he would never see me again. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing, from which I conceived an happy presage of his future indulgence. He had begun with his usual appellation of Dear Fanny, which, though it was expunged to make way for the word Madam, encouraged me to hope that his paternal fondness was not yet extinguished.

At supper, we were visited by lord W——m’s youngest sister,²⁹ who laughed at us for our inconsiderate match, though, she owned, she envied our happiness, and offered me the use of her cloaths, until I could retrieve my own. She was a woman of a great deal of humour, plain but genteel, civil, friendly, and perfectly well-bred. She favoured us with her company till the night was pretty far advanced, and did not take her leave till we retired to our apartment.

As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we resolved to see little company; but this resolution was frustrated by the numerous acquaintance of lord W——m, who let in half the town; so that I ran the gauntlet for a whole week among a set of wits, who always delight in teazing a young creature of any note, when she happens to make such a stolen match. Among those that visited us upon this occasion, was my lord’s younger brother,³⁰ who was at that time in keeping with a rich heiress of masculine memory,³¹ and took that opportunity of making a parade with his equipage, which was indeed very magnificent, but altogether disregarded by us, whose happiness consisted in the opulence of mutual love.

This ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we went to wait on his mother the duchess of H——,³² who hearing I was an heiress, readily forgave her son for marrying without her knowledge and consent, and favoured us with a very cordial reception; insomuch that, for several months, we dined almost constantly at her table; and I must own, I always found her unaltered in her civility and affection, contrary to her general character, which was haughty and capricious. She was undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and understanding, but subject to an infirmity which very much impairs and disguises every other qualification.³³

In about three weeks after our marriage, I was so happy as to obtain the forgiveness of my father, to whose house we repaired, in order to pay our respects and submission. At sight of me he wept; nor did I behold his tears unmoved: my heart was over-charged with tenderness and sorrow, for having offended such an indulgent parent; so that I mingled my tears with his, while my dear husband, whose soul was of the softest and gentlest mould, melted with sympathy at the affecting scene.

Being thus reconciled to my father, we attended him into the country, where we were received by my mother, who was a sensible good woman, though not susceptible of love, and therefore less apt to excuse a weakness, to which she was an utter stranger. This was likewise the case with an uncle,³⁴ from whom I had great expectations. He was a plain good-natured man, and treated us with great courtesy; though his notions, in point of love, were not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless, I was, and seemed to be so happy in my choice, that my family not only became satisfied with the match, but exceedingly fond of lord W——m.

After a short stay with them in the country, we returned to London, in order to be introduced at court, and then set out for the North, on a visit to my brother-in-law the duke of H——,³⁵ who had, by a letter to lord W——m, invited us to his habitation. My father accordingly equipped us with horses and money; for our own finances with extremely slender, consisting only of a small pension allowed by his grace, upon whom the brothers were intirely dependent, the father having died suddenly, before suitable provision could be made for his younger children.

When I took my leave of my relations, bidding adieu to my paternal home, and found myself launching into a world of care and trouble, though the voyage on which I had embarked was altogether voluntary, and my companion the person on whom I doated to distraction, I could not help feeling some melancholy sensations, which, however, in a little time, gave way to a train of more agreeable ideas. I was visited in town by almost all the women of fashion, many of whom, I perceived, envied me the possession of a man who had made strange havock among their hearts, and some of them knew the value of his favour. One in particular endeavoured to cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard; but I thought proper to discourage her advances, by keeping within the bounds of bare civility; and indeed, to none of them was I lavish of my complaisance; for I dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection, who engrossed my wishes to such a degree, that although I was never jealous (because I had no reason to be so) I envied the happiness of every woman whom he chanced at any time to hand into a coach.

The duchess of ——,³⁶ who was newly married to the earl of P——, a particular friend of lord W——m’s, carried me to court, and presented me to the queen, who expressed her approbation of my person in very particular terms, and observed the satisfaction that appeared in my countenance with marks of admiration; desiring her ladies to take notice, how little happiness depended upon wealth, since there was more joy in my face than in all her court beside.

Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes, which her majesty seemed to behold with pleasure; for she frequently repeated the remark, and shewed me to all the foreigners of distinction, with many gracious expressions of favour. She wished lord W——m happiness instead of joy, and was pleased to promise, that she would provide for her pretty beggars: and poor enough we certainly were in every article but love. Nevertheless, we felt no necessities, but passed the summer in a variety of pleasures and parties, the greatest part of which were planned by lord W——m’s sister and another lady, who was at that time mistress to the prime minister.³⁷ The first was a wit, but homely in her person; the other, a woman of great beauty and masculine understanding; and a particular friendship subsisted between them, though they were both lovers of power and admiration.

This lady, who sat at the helm, was extremely elegant as well as expensive in her diversions, in many of which we bore a share; particularly in her parties upon the water, which were contrived in all the magnificence of taste. In the course of these amusements, a trifling circumstance occurred, which I shall relate as an instance of that jealous sensibility which characterised lord W——m’s disposition. A large company of ladies and gentlemen having agreed to dine at Vauxhall,³⁸ and sup at Marblehall,³⁹ where we proposed to conclude the evening with a dance, one barge being insufficient to contain the whole company, we were divided by lots; in consequence of which, my husband and I were parted. This separation was equally mortifying to us both, who, though married, were still lovers; and my chagrin was increased, when I perceived that I was doomed to sit by Sir W—— Y——,⁴⁰ a man of professed gallantry: for, although lord W——m had, before his marriage, made his addresses to every woman he saw, I knew very well he did not desire that any person should make love to his wife.

That I might not therefore give umbrage, by talking to this gallant, I conversed with a Scotch nobleman, who, according to common report, had formerly sighed among my admirers: by these means, in seeking to avoid one error, I unwittingly plunged myself into a greater; and disobliged Lord W——m so much, that he could not conceal his displeasure; nay, so deeply was he offended at my conduct, that in the evening, when the ball began, he would scarce deign to take me by the hand in the course of dancing, and darted such unkind looks as pierced me to the very soul; and what augmented my concern, was my ignorance of the trespass I had committed. I was tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections; I began to fear that I had mistaken his temper, and given my heart to a man who was tired of possession; tho’ I resolved to bear without complaining the misfortune I had entailed upon myself.

I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and thereby discovered the cause of his chagrin; but, as there was no time for expostulation, the misunderstanding continued on his side, with such evident marks of uneasiness, that every individual of the company made up to me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder; so that I was fain to amuse their concern, by saying that he had been ill the day before, and dancing did not agree with his constitution. So much was he incensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct, which was void of all intention to offend him, that he determined to be revenged of me, for my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing to sit between two very handsome ladies, (one of whom is lately dead, and the other, at present, my neighbour in the country) he affected an air of gaiety, and openly coquetted with them both.

This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent wife. In the course of our entertainment, we engaged in some simple diversion, in consequence of which, the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies; when Lord W——m, in performing this command, unkindly neglected me in my turn; and I had occasion for all my discretion and pride, to conceal from the company the agonies I felt at this mark of indifference and disrespect. However, I obtained the victory over myself, and pretended to laugh at his husband-like behaviour, while the tears stood in my eyes, and my heart swelled even to bursting.

We broke up about five, after having spent the most tedious evening I had ever known; and this offended lover went to bed in a state of sullen silence and disgust. Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation, I thought myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice, that I could not prevail upon myself to demand a conference, till after his first nap, when my pride giving way to my tenderness, I clasped him in my arms, though he pretended to discourage these advances of my love: I asked how he could be so unjust as to take umbrage at my civility to a man whom, he knew, I had refused for his sake. I chid him for his barbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy, and used such irresistible arguments in my own vindication, that he was convinced of my innocence, sealed my acquittal with a kind embrace, and we mutually enjoyed the soft transports of a fond reconciliation.

Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved, than that which glowed within our breasts. Far from being cloyed with the possession of each other, our raptures seemed to increase with the term of our union. When we were parted, though but for a few hours, by the necessary avocations of life, we were unhappy during that brief separation, and met again, like lovers who knew no joy but in one another’s presence. How many delicious evenings did we spend together, in our own little apartment, after we had ordered the candles to be taken away, that we might enjoy the agreeable reflection of the moon, in a fine summer’s evening. Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the mind to peace and benevolence; but when improved with the conversation of the man one loves, it fills the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight! For my own part, I can safely say, my heart was so wholly ingrossed by my husband, that I never took pleasure in any diversion, where he was not personally concerned; nor was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant to my duty and my love.

In the autumn we set out for the north, and were met on the road by the duke and twenty gentlemen, who conducted us to H——n, where we lived in all imaginable splendor.⁴¹ His grace, at that time, maintained above an hundred servants, with a band of music, which always performed at dinner, kept open table, and was visited by a great deal of company. The œconomy of his house was superintended by his eldest sister,⁴² a beautiful young lady of an amiable temper, with whom I soon contracted an intimate friendship. She and the duke used to rally me upon my fondness for lord W——m, who was a sort of an humourist,⁴³ and apt to be in a pet, in which case he would leave the company, and go to bed by seven o’clock in the evening. On these occasions I always disappeared, giving up every consideration to that of pleasing my husband, notwithstanding the ridicule of his relations, who taxed me with having spoiled him with too much indulgence. But how could I express too much tenderness and condescension for a man, who doated upon me to such excess, that when business obliged him to leave me, he always snatched the first opportunity to return, and often rode through darkness, storms and tempests to my arms.

Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found myself in a fair way of being a mother; and that I might be near my own relations, in such an interesting situation,⁴⁴ I and my dear companion departed from H——n, not without great reluctance; for I was fond of the Scots in general, who treated me with great hospitality and respect; and to this day, they pay me the compliment of saying, I was one of the best wives in that country, which is so justly celebrated for good women.

Lord W——m having attended me to my father’s house,⁴⁵ was obliged to return to Scotland, to support his interest in being elected member of parliament; so that he took his leave of me, with a full resolution of seeing me again, before the time of my lying-in;⁴⁶ and all the comfort I enjoyed in his absence, was the perusal of his letters, which I punctually received, together with those of his sister, who, from time to time, favoured me with assurances of his constancy and devotion. Indeed these testimonials were necessary to one of my disposition; for I was none of those who could be contented with half an heart. I could not even spare one complacent look to any other woman, but expected the undivided homage of his love. Had I been disappointed in this expectation, I should (though a wife) have rebelled or died.

Mean while, my parents treated me with great tenderness, intending that lord W——m should be settled in a house of his own, and accommodated with my fortune; and his expectations from the queen were very sanguine, when I was taken ill, and delivered of a dead child: an event which affected me so much, that when I understood the extent of my misfortune, my heart throbbed with such violence, that my breast could scarce contain it; and my anxiety being aggravated by the absence of my lord, produced a dangerous fever, of which he was no sooner apprized by letter, than he came post from Scotland; but before his arrival, I was supposed to be in a fair way.

During this journey, he was tortured with all that terrible suspence which prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing that which is most dear to them; and when he entered the house, was so much overwhelmed with apprehension, that he durst not inquire about the state of my health.

As for my part, I never closed an eye from the time on which I expected his return; and when I heard his voice, threw open my curtains, and sat up in the bed to receive him, though at the hazard of my life. He ran towards me with all the eagerness of passion, and clasp’d me in his arms; he kneeled by my bed-side, kissed my hand a thousand times, and wept with transports of tenderness and joy. In short, this meeting was so pathetic, as to overcome my enfeebled constitution; and we were parted by those who were wiser than ourselves, and saw that nothing was so proper for us as a little repose.

But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied happiness to excess of misery, which I now sustained! My month was hardly up,⁴⁷ when my dear husband was taken ill: perhaps the fatigue of body as well as mind, which he had undergone on my account, occasioned a fatal ferment in his blood, and his health fell a sacrifice to his love. Physicians were called from London; but alas! they brought no hopes of his recovery. By their advice, he was removed to town, for the convenience of being punctually attended. Every moment was too precious to be thrown away; he was therefore immediately put into the coach, though the day was far spent; and I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him in the journey, which was performed by the light of flambeaus,⁴⁸ and rendered unspeakably shocking, by the dismal apprehension of losing him every moment.

At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Pall-mall, where I lay by him on the floor, and attended the issue of his distemper, in all the agonies of horror and despair. In a little time his malady settled upon his brain, and in his delirium, he uttered such dreadful exclamations, as were sufficient to pierce the most savage heart. What effect then must they have had on mine, which was fraught with every sentiment of the most melting affection! It was not a common grief that took possession of my soul; I felt all the aggravation of the most acute distress. I sometimes ran down to the street in a fit of distraction: I sent for the doctors every minute: I wearied heaven with my prayers; even now my heart akes at the remembrance of what I suffered, and I cannot without trembling proceed with the woeful story.

After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the use of speech, and called upon my name, which he had a thousand times repeated, while he was bereft of reason. All hopes of his life were now relinquished, and I was led to his bed-side to receive his last adieu, being directed to summon all my fortitude, and suppress my sorrow, that he might not be disturbed by my agitation. I collected all my resolution to support me in this affecting scene: I saw my dear lord in extremity; the beauties of his youth were all decayed, yet his eyes, though languid, retained unspeakable sweetness and expression. He felt his end approaching, put forth his hand, and with a look full of complacency and benevolence, uttered such a tender tale—Good heaven! how had I deserved such accumulated affliction! the bare remembrance of which now melts me into tears. Human nature could not undergo my situation, without suffering an extasy of grief! I clasped him in my arms, and kissed him a thousand times, with the most violent emotions of woe: but I was torn from his embrace, and in a little time he was ravished for ever from my view.

On that fatal morning,⁴⁹ which put a period to his life, I saw the duchess of L—— approach my bed,⁵⁰ and, from her appearance, concluded that he was no more; yet I begg’d she would not confirm the unhappy presage, by announcing his death; and she accordingly preserved the most emphatic silence. I got up, and trod softly over his head, as if I had been afraid of interrupting his repose. Alas! he was no longer sensible of such disturbance. I was seized with a stupification of sorrow: I threw up the window, and looking around, thought the sun shone with the most dismal aspect; every thing was solitary, chearless, and replete with horror.

In this condition I was, by the direction of my friend, conveyed to her house, where my faculties were so overpowered by the load of anguish which oppressed me, that I know not what passed during the first days of my unhappy widowhood: this only I know, the kind duchess treated me with all imaginable care and compassion, and carried me to her country-house, where I stayed some months; during which, she endeavoured to comfort me with all the amusements she could invent, and laid me under such obligations, as shall never be erased from my remembrance: yet, not withstanding all her care and concern, I was, by my excess of grief, plunged into a languishing distemper, for which my physicians advised me to drink the Bath waters.

In compliance with this prescription, I went thither towards the end of summer, and found some benefit by adhering to their directions; though I seldom went abroad, except when I visited my sister-in-law,⁵¹ who was there with the princess; and upon these occasions, I never failed to attract the notice of the company, who were struck with the appearance of such a young creature in weeds.⁵² Nor was I free from the persecutions of professed admirers; but being dead to all joy, I was deaf to the voice of adulation.

About Christmas, I repaired to my father’s house, where my sorrows were revived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear lamented lord. But these melancholy reflections I was obliged to bear, because I had no other home or habitation, being left an unprovided widow, altogether dependant on the affection of my own family.

During this winter, divers overtures were made to my father, by people who demanded me in marriage; but my heart was not yet sufficiently weaned from my former passion, to admit the thoughts of another master. Among those that presented their proposals, was a certain young nobleman,⁵³ who upon the first news of lord W——m’s death, came post from Paris, in order to declare his passion. He made his first appearance in a hired chariot and six, accompanied by a big fat fellow, whom (as I afterwards learn’d) he had engaged to sound his praises, with the promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu of which he paid him with forty. Whether it was with a view of screening himself from the cold, or of making a comfortable medium in case of being overturned, and falling under his weighty companion, I know not; but certain it is, the carriage was stuffed with hay, in such a manner, that when he arrived, the servants were at some pains in rummaging and removing it, before they could come at their master, or help him to alight. When he was lifted out of the chariot, he exhibited a very ludicrous figure to the view: he was a thin, meagre, shivering creature, of a low stature, with little black eyes, a long nose, sallow complexion, and pitted with the small pox, dressed in a coat of light brown frize,⁵⁴ lined with pink-coloured shag,⁵⁵ a monstrous solitaire⁵⁶ and bag,⁵⁷ and (if I remember aright) a pair of huge jack-boots.⁵⁸ In a word, his whole appearance was so little calculated for inspiring love, that I had (on the strength of seeing him once before at Oxford) set him down as the last man on earth, whom I would chuse to wed; and I will venture to affirm, that he was, in every particular, the very reverse of my late husband.

As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening, and left his errand with my mother, to whom he was as disagreeable as to myself; so that his proposal was absolutely rejected; and I heard no more of him during the space of three whole months, at the expiration of which, I went to town, where this mortifying figure presented itself again, and renewed his suit, offering such advantageous terms of settlement, that my father began to relish the match, and warmly recommended it to my consideration.

Lord W——m’s relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of making myself independent; all my acquaintance plied me with arguments to the same purpose: I was uneasy at home, and indifferent to all mankind. I weighed the motives with the objections, and with reluctance yielded to the importunity of my friends.

In consequence of this determination, the little gentleman was permitted to visit me; and the manner of his address did not at all alter the opinion I had conceived of his character and understanding. I was even shocked at the prospect of marrying a man whom I could not love; and, in order to disburthen my own conscience, took an opportunity of telling him one evening, as we sat opposite to each other, that it was not in my power to command my affection, and therefore he could not expect the possession of my heart, lord W——m’s indulgence having spoiled me for a wife. Nevertheless, I would endeavour to contract a friendship for him, which would intirely depend upon his own behaviour.

To this declaration he replied (to my great surprize) that he did not desire me to love him, my friendship was sufficient; and next day, repeated this strange instance of moderation in a letter, which I communicated to my sister, who laughed heartily at the contents, and persuaded me, that since I could love no man, he was the properest person to be my husband.

Accordingly, the wedding-cloaths and equipage being prepared, the day—the fatal day was fixed! on the morning of which, I went to the house of my brother-in-law duke H——, who loved me tenderly, and took my leave of the family; a family which I shall always remember with love, honour, and esteem. His grace received me in the most affectionate manner, saying at parting, “Lady W——m, if he does not use you well, I will take you back again.”

The bridegroom and I met at Ox—— chapel, where the ceremony was performed by the bishop of W——,⁵⁹ in presence of his mother,⁶⁰ my father, and another lady; and the nuptial knot being tied, we set out for my father’s house in the country, and proceeded full twenty miles on our journey, before my lord opened his mouth; my thoughts having been all that time employed on something quite foreign to my present situation; for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen. At length my father broke silence, and clapping his lordship on the shoulder, told him he was but a dull bridegroom; upon which, my lord gave him to understand, that he was out of spirits. This dejection continued all the day, notwithstanding the refreshment of a plentiful dinner, which he ate upon the road; and in the evening we arrived at the place of destination, where we were kindly received by my mother, though she had no liking to the match; and after supper, we retired to our apartment.

It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeable contrast between my present help-mate and my former lord: instead of flying to my arms with all the eagerness of love and rapture, this manly representative sat moping in a corner, like a criminal on execution-day, and owned he was ashamed to bed a woman, whose hand he had scarce ever touched.

I could not help being affected with this pusilanimous behaviour: I remembered lord W——m, while I surveyed the object before me, and made such a comparison as filled me with horror and disgust: nay, to such a degree did my aversion to this phantom prevail, that I began to sweat with anguish at the thought of being subjected to his pleasure: and when, after a long hesitation, he ventured to approach me, I trembled as if I had been exposed to the embraces of a rattle-snake. Nor did the efforts of his love diminish this antipathy; his attempts were like the pawings of an imp, sent from hell to teize and torment some guilty wretch, such as are exhibited in some dramatic performance, which I never see acted, without remembering my wedding-night. By such shadowy, unsubstantial, vexatious behaviour, was I tantalized, and robb’d of my repose; and early next morning I got up, with a most sovereign contempt for my bedfellow, who indulged himself in bed till eleven.

Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with him to his house at Twickenham; and soon after we were presented at court, when the queen was pleased to say to my lord’s mother, she did not doubt that we should be an happy couple, for I had been a good wife to my former husband.

Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse, he was not wanting in point of liberality:⁶¹ I was presented with a very fine chariot studded with silver nails, and such a profusion of jewels as furnished a joke to some of my acquaintance, who observed that I was formerly queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into the queen of diamonds. This uncommon splendour attracted the eyes and envy of my competitors, who were the more implacable in their resentments, because, notwithstanding my marriage, I was as much as ever followed by the men of gallantry and pleasure, among whom it is a constant maxim, that a woman never with-holds her affections from her husband, without an intention to bestow them somewhere else. I never appeared without a train of admirers, and my house in the country was always crouded with gay young men of quality.

Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill and assiduity, were the earl C——,⁶² and Mr. S——, brother to lord F——.⁶³ The former of whom, in the course of his addresses, treated me with an entertainment of surprising magnificence, disposed into a dinner, supper, and ball; to which I, at his desire, invited eleven ladies, whom he paired with the like number of his own sex: so that the whole company amounted to twenty-four. We were regaled with a most elegant dinner, in an apartment which was altogether superb, and served by gentlemen only, no livery-servant being permitted to come within the door. In the afternoon we embarked in two splendid barges, being attended by a band of musick, in a third; and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the river, till the twilight, when we returned, and began the ball, which was conducted with such order and taste, that mirth and good humour prevailed, and no dissatisfaction appeared, except in the countenance of one old maid, since married to a son of the duke of ——, who, tho’ she would not refuse to partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was displeased that I should have the honour of inviting her. O baleful Envy! thou self-tormenting fiend! How do’st thou predominate in all assemblies, from the grand gala of a court to the meeting of simple peasants at their harvest-home! Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion to be wondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and vanity of our sex. The presence of one favourite man shall poison the enjoyment of a whole company, and produce the most rancorous enmity betwixt the closest friends.

I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all the artillery of his eloquence in making love; yet I did not listen to his addresses, for he was not to my taste, tho’ he possessed an agreeable person, and a good acquired understanding; but he was utterly ignorant of that gentle prevailing art which I afterwards experienced in Mr. S——, and which was the only method he could have successfully practised, in seducing a young woman like me, born with sentiments of honour, and trained up in the paths of religion and virtue. He was, indeed, absolutely master of those insinuating qualifications which few women of passion and sensibility can resist; and had a person every way adapted for profiting by these insidious talents. He was well acquainted with the human heart, conscious of his own power and capacity, and exercised these endowments with unwearied perseverance. He was tall and thin, which was perfectly agreeable to my taste, with large blue eloquent eyes, good teeth, and a long head turned to gallantry.⁶⁴ His behaviour was the standard of politeness, and all his advances were conducted with the most profound respect; which is the most effectual expedient a man can use against us, if he can find means to persuade us, that it proceeds from the excess and delicacy of his passion. It is no other than a silent compliment, by which our accomplishments are continually flattered, and pleases in proportion to the supposed understanding of him who pays it.

By these arts and advantages this consummate politician in love began by degrees to sap the foundations of my conjugal faith; he stole imperceptibly into my affection, and, by dint of opportunity, which he well knew how to improve, triumphed, at last, over all his rivals.

Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C——, who was also rivaled by lord C—— H——,⁶⁵ a Scotchman, who had been an intimate and relation of my former husband. This gentleman I would have preferred to most of his competitors, and I coqueted with him for some time: but this amour was interrupted by his going to Ireland;⁶⁶ upon which occasion, understanding that he was but indifferently provided with money, I made him a present of a gold snuff-box, in which was inclosed a bank-note; a trifling mark of my esteem, which he afterwards justified by the most grateful, friendly, and genteel behaviour; and as we corresponded by letters, I frankly told him, that Mr. S—— had stept in, and won the palm from all the rest of my admirers.

This new favourite’s mother and sisters,⁶⁷ who lived in the neighbourhood, were my constant companions; and, in consequence of this intimacy, he never let a day pass without paying his respects to me in person; nay, so ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his suit, that whether I rode or walked, went abroad or stayed at home, he was always of course one of the party: so that his design seemed to ingross his whole vigilance and attention. Thus he studied my disposition, and established himself in my good opinion, at the same time. He found my heart was susceptible of every tender impression, and saw that I was not free from the vanity of youth; he had already acquired my friendship and esteem, from which he knew there was a short and easy transition to love; and by his penetration choosing proper seasons for the theme, urged it with such pathetic vows and artful adulation, as well might captivate a young woman of my complexion and inexperience, and circumstanced as I was, with a husband whom I had such reason to despise.

Tho’ he thus made an insensible progress in my heart, he did not find my virtue an easy conquest; and I myself was ignorant of the advantage he had gained, with regard to my inclinations, until I was convinced of his success by an alarm of jealousy which I one day felt, at seeing him engaged in conversation with another lady. I forthwith recognized this symptom of love, with which I had been formerly acquainted, and trembled at the discovery of my own weakness. I underwent a strange agitation and mixture of contrary sensations: I was pleased with the passion, yet ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind. The rights of a husband (tho’ mine was but a nominal one) occurred to my reflexion, and virtue, modesty and honour forbad me to cherish the guilty flame.

While I encouraged these laudable scruples, and resolved to sacrifice my love to duty and reputation, my lord was almost every day employed in riding post to my father, with complaints of my conduct, which was hitherto irreproachable; tho’ the greatest grievance which he pretended to have suffered, was my refusing to comply with his desire, when he intreated me to lie a whole hour every morning, with my neck uncovered, that by gazing he might quiet the perturbation of his spirits. From this request you may judge of the man, as well as of the regard I must entertain for his character and disposition.

During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer, and in the autumn set out with my lord for Bath, where, by reason of the intimacy that subsisted between our families, we lived in the same house with my lover and his sister, who, with another agreeable young lady, accompanied us in this expedition. By this time Mr. S—— had extorted from me a confession of a mutual flame, tho’ I assured him that it should never induce me to give up the valuable possessions of an unspotted character, and a conscience void of offence. I offered him all the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved intercourse of souls, abstracted from any sensual consideration; and he eagerly embraced the Platonic proposal, because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issue of such chimerical contracts, and knew me too well to think he could accomplish his purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my own terms, and cultivating my tenderness under the specious pretext.

In consequence of this agreement we took all opportunities of seeing each other in private; and these interviews were spent in mutual protestations of disinterested love. This correspondence, tho’ dangerous, was (on my side) equally innocent and endearing; and many happy hours we pass’d, before my sentiments were discovered. At length my lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst out beyond the power of concealment; my grief and anxiety became so conspicuous in my countenance, and my behaviour was so indiscreet, that every body in the house perceived the situation of my thoughts, and blamed my conduct accordingly.

Certain it is I was extremely imprudent, tho’ intentionally innocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord, who teized and tormented me for that which neither I could give nor he could take, and ruminated on the fatal consequence of this unhappy flame, until I was worked into a fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety but in flight, and often determined to banish myself for ever from the sight of this dangerous intruder. But my resolution always failed at the approach of day, and my desire of seeing him as constantly recurred. So far was I from persisting in such commendable determinations, that, on the eve of our departure from Bath, I felt the keenest pangs of sorrow at our approaching separation; and as we could not enjoy our private interviews at my house in town, I promised to visit him at his own apartments, after he had sworn by all that’s sacred, that he would take no sinister advantage of my condescension, by presuming upon the opportunities I should give.

He kept his word; for he saw I trusted to it with fear and trembling, and perceived that my apprehension was not affected, but the natural concern of a young creature, distracted between love and duty, whom, had he alarmed, he never would have seen within his doors again. Instead of pressing me with sollicitations in favour of his passion, he was more than ever respectful and complaisant; so that I found myself disengaged of all restraint, conducted the conversation, shortened and repeated my visits, at my own pleasure, till, at last, I became so accustomed to this communication, that his house was as familiar to me as my own.

Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence, he resumed the favourite topic of love, and warming my imagination by gradual advances on the subject, my heart began to pant; and when he saw me thus, he snatched the favourable occasion to practise all his eloquence and art. I could not resist his energy, nor even fly from the temptation that assailed me, until he had obtained a promise that he should, at our next meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious expectation. Upon this condition I was permitted to retire, and blessed heaven for my escape, fully determined to continue in the path of virtue I had hitherto trod, and stifle the criminal flame, by which my peace and reputation were endangered. But his idea, which reigned within my heart, without controul, soon baffled all those prudent suggestions.

I saw him again; and he reminded me of my promise, which I endeavoured to evade with affected pleasantry; upon which he manifested the utmost displeasure and chagrin, shedding some crocodile tears, and upbraiding me with levity and indifference. He observed, that he had sollicited my favour for ten long months, without intermission, and imagined I had held out so long on virtuous motives only; but now he could plainly perceive that his want of success had been owing to my want of affection; and that all my professions were insincere: in a word, he persuaded me, that his remonstrances were just and reasonable. I could not see the affliction of a man I loved, when I knew it was in my power to remove it; and rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and love, I consented to his wish. My heart now flutters at the remembrance of the dear, tho’ fatal indiscretion; yet I reflect without remorse, and even remember it with pleasure.

If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was resolved to bear it without repining; and sure the guilt (if there was any in my conduct) was but venial; for I considered myself as a person absolved of all matrimonial ties, by the insignificance of lord ——, who, tho’ a nominal husband, was, in fact, a mere non-entity. I therefore contracted a new engagement with my lover, to which I resolved to adhere with the most scrupulous fidelity, without the least intention of injuring my lord or his relations; for had our mutual passion produced any visible effects, I would immediately have renounced and abandoned my husband for ever, that the fruit of my love for Mr. S—— might not have inherited, to the detriment of the right heir. This was my determination, which I thought just, if not prudent; and for which I have incurred the imputation of folly, in the opinion of this wise and honest generation, by whose example and advice I have, since that time, been a little reformed in point of prudentials, tho’ I still retain a strong tendency to return to my primitive way of thinking.

When I quitted Mr. S——, after the sacrifice I had made, and returned to my own bed, it may perhaps be supposed that I slept but little. True: I was kept awake by the joyful impatience of revisiting my lover. Indeed I neglected no opportunity of flying to his arms: when lord —— was in the country we enjoyed each other’s company without interruption, but when he resided in town our correspondence was limited to stolen interviews, which were unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presided at the entertainment.

Such was my happiness, in the course of this tender communication, that to this day I remember it with pleasure, tho’ it has cost me dear in the sequel, and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable expence; for I devoted myself so intirely to my lover, who was desirous of engrossing my time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, which was very numerous, justly accused me of neglect, and of consequence cooled in their friendships: but I was all for love, or the world well lost.⁶⁸ And were the same opportunity to offer, I would act the same conduct over again.

Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice with such violence of affection: but all such observers must be unacquainted with the human heart. Mine was naturally adapted for the tender passions, and had been so fortunate, so cherished, in its first impressions, that it felt with joy the same sensations revive, when influenced by the same engaging qualifications. Certain it is I loved the second time as well as the first, and better was impossible. I gave up my all for both: fortune and my father’s favour for the one; reputation, friends, and fortune for the other. Yet, notwithstanding this intimate connexion, I did not relinquish the world all at once; on the contrary I still appeared at court, and attracted the notice and approbation of my royal patroness;⁶⁹ I danced with the p—— of W——;⁷⁰ a circumstance which so nearly affected Mr. S——, who was present, that, in order to manifest his resentment, he chose the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner; and I no sooner perceived his uneasiness than I gave over, with a view of appeasing his displeasure.

Without repeating particular circumstances, let it suffice to say, our mutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted between me and my dear lord W——m. It was jealous, melting and delicate, and checquered with little accidents, which serve to animate and maintain the flame, in its first ardency of rapture. When my lover was sick, I attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness and care; and during an indisposition which I caught in the performance of this agreeable office, he discharged the obligation with all the warmth of sympathy and love.

It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians, that I should use the Bathwaters for the recovery of my health; and I set out for that place, glad of a pretence to be absent from lord ——, with whom I lived on very unhappy terms. He had, about nine months after our marriage, desired that we might sleep in separate beds, and gave a very whimsical reason for this proposal. He said, the immensity of his love deprived him of the power of gratification,⁷¹ and that some commerce with an object, to which his heart was not attached, might, by diminishing the transports of his spirits, recom-pose his nerves, and enable him to enjoy the fruits of his good fortune.

You may be sure I made no objections to this plan, which was immediately put in execution. He made his addresses to a nymph of Drury-lane,⁷² whose name (as he told me) was Mrs. Rock. She made shift to extract some money from her patient; but his infirmity was beyond the power of her art; though she made some mischief between us; and I communicated my suspicion to duke H——,⁷³ who intended to have expostulated with her upon the subject; but she got intimation of his design, and saved him the trouble, by a precipitate retreat.

After my return from the Bath, where Mr. S. and I had lived happily, until we were interrupted by the arrival of my husband, his lordship expressed an inclination to be my bedfellow again; but in this particular I desired to be excused: for though I would not be the first to propose the separation, which, though usual in other countries, is contrary to the custom of England, being unwilling to furnish the least handle for censure, as my character was still unblemished; yet, when the proposal came from himself, I thought myself intitled to refuse a re-union, to which I accordingly objected.

This opposition produced a quarrel, which rose to a state of perpetual animosity; so that we began to talk of parting. My lord relished the expedient, agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year to my pin-money,⁷⁴ which (by the bye) was never paid; and I renounced all state and grandeur, to live in a small house that I hired at Case-horton,⁷⁵ where I passed my time for two months, in the most agreeable retirement, with my dear lover, till I was disturbed by the intrusion of my lord, who molested me with visits and solicitations to return, pretending that he had changed his mind, and insisting upon my compliance with his desire.

I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request; but he persecuted me without ceasing: so that I was fain to capitulate, on condition that we should immediately set out for France; and that he should not presume to approach my bed, till our arrival at Calais. We accordingly departed for that kingdom; and, far from infringing the last article of our treaty, his lordship did not insist upon his privilege, before we reached the capital of France.

Mean while, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a very interesting manner, and communicated my discovery to the dear author of it, who would not leave me in such an affecting situation, but took the first opportunity of following us to France.

In our road to Paris, we stopp’d to visit Chantilly,⁷⁶ a magnificent Chateau belonging to the Prince of Condé,⁷⁷ and there met by accident with some English noblemen, to whom I was known. The prince and his sisters invited me very politely into the gallery where they sat.⁷⁸ They complimented me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress, which was altogether new to them, being a blue English riding-habit trimmed with gold, and an hat with a feather. They were particularly well pleased with my hair, which hung down to my waist, and pressed me to stay a fortnight at their house; an invitation which I was very much mortified at being obliged to refuse, because my lord did not understand the French language. I was inchanted with the place and the company, the women being amiable and the men polite; nor were they strangers to my name and story; for Mr. S—— calling at the same place a few days after, they rallied him on my account.

When we arrived at Paris, the first thing I did was to metamorphose myself into a French woman. I cut off my hair, hid a very good complexion of my own with Rouge, reconciled myself to powder, which I had never used before, put on a robe with a large hoop, and went to the Thuilleries,⁷⁹ full of spirits and joy; for at that time every thing conspired to make me happy: I had health, youth and beauty, love, vanity, and affluence, and found myself surrounded with diversions, which were gay, new and agreeable. My appearance drew upon me the eyes of the whole company, who considered me as a stranger, but not a foreigner, so compleatly was I equipped in the fashion of the French; and when they understood who I was, they applauded my person with the most lavish encomiums, according to their known politeness.

After having made a circuit round all the public places of entertainment in Paris, I was introduced into company, by an English family residing in that city; and, among others, became acquainted with a French lady,⁸⁰ whose charms were remarkably attractive. The duke of K—— was her admirer;⁸¹ but she lived in reputation with her mother and an agreeable sister,⁸² whose lover was the prince of C——,⁸³ (for almost every lady in France has her Amant.)

With this charming woman, whose name was Madam De la T——,⁸⁴ I often made parties of pleasure. The duke, Mr. S——, she and I, used to meet in the Bois de Boulogne,⁸⁵ which is a pleasant wood at a small distance from Paris, whither the company repairs, in the summer-season, for the benefit of the air; and after having amused ourselves among the groves, embarked in his grace’s equipage, which was extremely elegant, being a calash drawn by six fine long-tailed greys,⁸⁶ adorned with ribbons in the French taste; and thus we were conducted to a little inchanted, or at least inchanting palace, possessed by the duke, at one end of the town. The lower apartment, appropriated to me, was furnished with yellow and silver, the bed surrounded with looking-glasses, and the door opened into a garden, laid out in a cradle-walk,⁸⁷ and intervening parterres of roses and other flowers. Above stairs my female companion lodged, in a chamber furnished with chintz. We supped all together in the saloon, which, though small, was perfectly elegant. The company was always good-humoured, the conversation sprightly and joyous, and the scene, though often repeated, still delightful and entertaining.

At other times, Mr. S—— and I used to pass our evenings at the palace of the prince of C——,⁸⁸ which his highness lent us for our accommodation. The apartments opened into the gardens of the Luxembourg, and were, in point of magnificence, suitable to the owner. Thither I used to repair in a flaming equipage, on pretence of visiting, and spent the best part of the night with him, who was dearer to me than all the princes in the world.

While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties, my little lord was employed in efforts to recover his health by restoratives, and I know not what; for he still lamented the enfeebling effects of his passion, and complained, that he loved me more like an angel than a woman, though he strove to govern his affection according to the doctrines of the christian religion, as he regulated his life by the maxims of Charles the twelfth of Sweden.⁸⁹ The meaning of this declaration I could never learn; and indeed, I have been often tempted to believe he had no meaning at all.

Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing, and my situation extremely uneasy, on account of the perpetual wrangling which prevailed betwixt us, in consequence of his desiring to sleep with me again, after we had parted beds for the second time: and, that I might be no longer exposed to such disagreeable persecution, I resolved to leave him, though at the hazard of my life.

Thus determined, I went to the British embassador in an hackney-coach;⁹⁰ and, in order to disguise my youth, which might have prepossessed him against my judgment, muffled myself up in a black hood, which (as he said) instead of lending an air of gravity to my countenance, added a wildness to my looks, which was far from being disagreeable. He had been a gallant man in his youth, and even then, though well stricken in years, was not insensible to the power of beauty. This disposition, perhaps, rendered him more favourable to my cause, though he at first advised me to return to my husband; but finding me obstinate, he undertook to serve me in my own way, and procure a protection from the French king, by virtue of which, I could live at Paris unmolested by my lord. Nevertheless, he advised me (if I was determined to leave him) to make the best of my way to England, and sue for a divorce.

I relished his opinion, and concealed myself about three days in Paris, during which I borrowed some linen; for, as it was impossible to convey any thing out of my own house without suspicion, I had neither cloaths for my accommodation, nor a servant to wait on me.

In this solitary condition I took the road to Flanders, after I had put my lord upon a wrong scent, by writing a letter to him, dated at Calais, and travelled through an unknown country, without any other attendant than the postilion, being subjected to this inconvenience by the laws of France, which are so severe in some particulars, that if any person had been apprehended with me, he would have suffered death, for going off with a man’s wife; though any man might go to bed with the same woman, without fear of incurring any legal punishment.⁹¹

I proceeded night and day without intermission, that I might the sooner reach Flanders, where I knew I should be safe; and as the nights were excessively cold, I was fain to wrap myself up in flannel, which I bought for the purpose, as I had no cloaths to keep me warm, and travelled in an open chaise. While we passed through dreary woods, quite remote from the habitations of men, I was not without apprehension of being stripped and murthered by the postilion; and, in all probability, owed my safety to the indigence of my appearance, which might also protect me in two miserable places where I was obliged to lie, before I got out of the territories of France: for, as I could not reach the great towns where I intended to lodge, I was under the necessity of putting up at little wretched hovels, where no provision was to be had, but sour brown bread and sourer cheese; and every thing seemed to denote the dens of despair and assassination.

I made shift, however, to subsist on this fare, uncomfortable as it was, confided in the meanness of my equipage for the security of my person; and at length arriving at Brussels, fixed my quarters in the Hotel de Flandre (so well known to the English since) where I thought myself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my flight.⁹²

I had not been full two days in this place, when I was blessed with the sight of my lover; and having concerted measures for proceeding to England, I hired a tall fine Liegeoise for a maid;⁹³ and setting out for Ostend, we embarked in a vessel, in which Mr. S—— had bespoke our passage.⁹⁴ Our voyage was short and prosperous, and the time most agreeably spent in the company of my dear partner, who was a most engaging man in all respects, as I dare say my Lady O—— has since found him.⁹⁵

I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in Poland-street,⁹⁶ retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for separation against my lord.⁹⁷ I communicated the reasons of my elopement to my father, who was shocked and surprised at my conduct, which he condemned with expressions of sorrow and resentment. But the step was taken; nor did I repent of what I had done, except on his account.

In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon the lord-chief-justice,⁹⁸ to whom I complained of the usage I had received from my lord, whose temper was teazing, tiresome, and intolerably capricious. His behaviour was a strange compound of madness and folly,⁹⁹ seasoned with a small proportion of sense: no wonder then that I, who am hot and hasty, should be wretched, under the persecution of such a perverse humourist, who used to terrify me, and scold at me the whole night without intermission, and shake my pillow from time to time, that I might not sleep, while he tormented me with his disagreeable expostulations. I have been often frightened almost out of my senses, at seeing him convulsed by the most unreasonable passion; and chagrined to the highest degree of disgust, to find (by repeated observation) his disposition so preposterous, that his satisfaction and displeasure never depended upon the cause he had to be satisfied or disobliged; but, on the contrary, when he had most reason to be pleased, he was always most discontented, and very often in good humour, when he had reason enough for vexation.

While I lived in Poland-street, I was engaged with lawyers, and so often visited by my father, that I could not dedicate my whole time, as usual, to my lover; nor was it convenient that he should be seen in my company: he therefore took a small house at Camberwell,¹⁰⁰ whither I went as often as I had an opportunity; and maintained the correspondence with such eagerness and industry, that although I was six months gone with child, I have often, by myself, set out for his habitation, in an hackney-coach, at eleven o’clock at night, and returned by six in the morning, that I might be in my own bed, when my father came to see me; for I concealed my amour, as well as the effects of it, from his knowledge, and frequently took water from the Bridge,¹⁰¹ that my motions might not be discovered. Nothing but the most passionate love could have supported my spirits under such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled my admirer to spend whole days by himself, in such a solitary retirement.

By this time, my lord was arrived in England, and employed in discovering the place of my retreat; so that I lived in continual alarm, and provided myself with a speaking-trumpet,¹⁰² which stood by my bed-side, to be used in calling for assistance, in case my pursuer should make an attack upon my lodgings.

This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no sooner begun my process against him, than I put myself intirely under the protection of Mr. S——, who conducted me to the house of a friend of his who lived in the country, where I was secure from the attempts of my husband.

The world had now given me up, and I had renounced the world with the most perfect resignation. I weighed in my own breast what I should lose in point of character, with what I suffered in my peace at home, and found, that my reputation was not to be preserved, except at the expence of my quiet, (for his lordship was not disposed to make me easy, had I been never so discreet.) I therefore determined to give up a few ceremonial visits, and empty professions, for the more substantial enjoyments of life.

We passed our time very agreeably, in various amusements, with this friend of Mr. S——, until the term of my reckoning was almost expired, then returned to London, and took lodgings in Southampton-street,¹⁰³ where I began to make preparations for the approaching occasion. Here I proposed to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised my name, saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached the window, lest I should be discovered by accident.

Notwithstanding these precautions, my French maid, whom I had sent for some of my cloaths, was dogged in her return, and next morning my lord took my lodgings by storm. Had he given the assault in his own person only, I make no doubt but he would have suffered a repulse, from the opposition of the Ligeoise, who made all the resistance in her power, but was obliged to give way to superior number.

I was at that time abed, and hearing an unusual noise below, rung my bell, in order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew my curtain at the same time, and who should I see entering my chamber but his lordship, attended by a constable, and the footman who had detected my retreat!

Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surprize and consternation: however, I summoned all my fortitude to my aid, and perceiving the fellows were about to open my window-shutters, desired their principal to order them downstairs. He readily complied with my request, and sitting down by my bed-side, told me with an air of triumph, that he had found me at last; and I frankly owned, that I was heartily sorry for his success. Instead of upbraiding me with my escape, he proceeded to entertain me with all the news in town, and gave me a minute detail of every thing which had happened to him since our parting; among other articles of intelligence, giving me to understand, that he had challenged Mr. S——, who had refused to fight him, and was in disgrace with the prince of W—— on that account.¹⁰⁴

But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth: he had indeed, before our departure for the country, gone to my lover, and insisted upon having satisfaction in Hyde-park, two days from the date of his demand, and at three o’clock in the afternoon; S—— believing him in earnest, accepted the invitation; though he observed, that these affairs could not be discussed too soon, and wished the time of meeting might be at an earlier hour. But his lordship did not choose to alter the circumstances of his first proposal; and when he went away, said he should expect him at the appointed time and place, if it did not rain.

His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation, when I assured him the whole business would end in smoke. Accordingly, my lord sent him a letter on Monday, desiring that the assignation might be deferred till Thursday, that he might have time to settle his affairs, and pay S—— an hundred pounds, which he had formerly borrowed of him. When Thursday came, he was favoured with another epistle, importing, that the challenger had changed his mind, and would seek satisfaction at law. Thus ended that heroic exploit, which his lordship now boasted of with such arrogant misrepresentation.

Whilst he regaled me with these interesting particulars, I was contriving a scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made; so that I did not contradict his assertions, but told him, that if he would go down stairs, I would rise and come to breakfast. He consented to this proposal with great chearfulness; and I own, I was not a little surprized to find him, at this first interview, in as good humour, as if nothing had happened to interrupt the felicity of our matrimonial union.

It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice, being now within a week of the expected crisis: but I knew I had to do with a man of no great penetration, and succeeded in my attempt accordingly. We breakfasted with great harmony, and I invited him to dinner, after having prevailed upon him to send away his myrmidons,¹⁰⁵ whom, nevertheless, he ordered to return at eleven o’clock at night. We conversed together with great gaiety and mirth; and when I rallied him for visiting me in such a dishabille, he stood a-tiptoe to view himself in the glass; and owning I was in the right, said he would go and dress himself before dinner.

He accordingly went away, charging my maid to give him entrance at his return; and he was no sooner gone than I wrote to Mr. S——, giving him an account of what had happened; then, without having determined upon any certain plan, huddled on my cloaths, muffled myself up, and calling a chair, went to the next tavern, where I stayed no longer than was sufficient to change my vehicle; and, to the astonishment of the drawers,¹⁰⁶ who could not conceive the meaning of my perturbation, proceeded to a shop in the neighbourhood, where I dismissed my second chair, and procured an hackney coach, in which I repaired to the lodgings of my lawyer, whom I could trust. Having made him acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and consulted him about a proper place of retreat, after some recollection he directed me to a little house in a court, to which, by the assistance of my lover, my woman and cloaths were safely conveyed that same evening.

My lord, however, came to dinner, according to invitation, and did not seem at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone, but stepped to my lawyer, to know if he thought I should return; and upon his answering in the affirmative, and advising his lordship to go back in the mean time, and eat the dinner I had provided, he very deliberately took his advice, made a very hearty meal, drank his bottle of wine, and, as I did not return, according to his expectation, withdrew, in order to consult his associates.

This motion of his furnished my woman with an opportunity of making her retreat; and when he returned at night, the coast was clear, and he found no body in the house but a porter, who had been left to take care of the furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment, that he made a furious noise, which raised the whole neighbourhood, reinforced his crew with the authority of a justice of the peace, tarried in the street till three o’clock in the morning, discharged a lodging he had hired at a barber’s shop, opposite to the house from which I had escaped, and retired with the comfortable reflexion of having done every thing which man could do to retrieve me.

The hurry of spirits, and surprize I had undergone in effecting this retreat, produced such a disorder in my constitution, that I began to fear I should be delivered before I could be provided with necessaries for the occasion. I signified my apprehension to Mr. S——, who with infinite care and concern endeavoured to find a more convenient place; and, after all his inquiries, was obliged to fix upon a paultry apartment in the city, tho’ his tenderness was extremely shocked at the necessity of choosing it. However, there was no remedy, nor time to be lost: to this miserable habitation I was carried in an hackney coach; and, tho’ extremely ill, bore my fate with spirit and resignation, in testimony of my sincere and indelible attachment to my lover, for whose ease and pleasure I could have suffered every inconvenience, and even sacrificed my life.

Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment, I was constrained by my indisposition to go to bed, and send for the necessary help; and in a few hours a living pledge of my love and indiscretion saw the light, tho’ the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affected this little innocent so severely, that it scarce discovered any visible signs of life.

My grief at this misfortune was inexpressible: I forthwith dispatched a message to the dear, the anxious father, who flew to my arms, and shared my sorrow, with all the gentleness of love and parental fondness, yet our fears were happily disappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter, who was committed to the charge of a nurse in the neighbourhood; so that I could every day be satisfied in my inquiries about her health. Thus I continued a whole fortnight, in a state of happiness and tranquility, being blessed with the conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love and attention I wholly ingrossed. In a word, he gave up all business and amusement, and concentred all his care and assiduity in ministring to my ease and satisfaction. And sure I had no cause to regret what I had suffered on his account.

But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a most alarming accident, by which my life was drawn into imminent danger. The room under my bed-chamber took fire; I immediately smelled it, and saw the people about me in the utmost perplexity and consternation, tho’ they would not own the true cause of their confusion, lest my health should suffer in the fright. Nevertheless I was so calm in my inquiries, that they ventured to tell me my suspicion was but too just: upon which I gave such directions as I thought would secure me from catching cold, in case there should be a necessity for removing me; but the fire being happily extinguished, I escaped that ceremony, which might have cost me my life. Indeed it was surprising, that the agitation of my spirits did not produce some fatal effect upon my constitution; and I looked upon my deliverance as the protection of a particular providence.

Tho’ I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found it was high time to change my lodgings, because the neighbours rushing into the house, upon the alarm of fire, had discovered my situation, though they were ignorant of my name; and I did not think myself safe, in being the subject of their conjectures. Mr. S—— therefore procured another apartment, with better accommodation, to which I was carried, as soon as my health would admit of my removal; and soon after my lord wrote to me, by the hands of my lawyer, earnestly intreating me to drop my prosecution, and come home. But I would not comply with his request; and nothing was farther from my intention than the desire of receiving any favours at his hands.

Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for my person; in the course of which he is said to have detected several ladies and young girls, who had reasons for keeping themselves concealed; and had like to have been very severely handled for his impertinent curiosity. Being unsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered into treaty with one Sir R—— H——, a person of a very indifferent character, who undertook to furnish him with an infallible expedient to discover the place of my abode, if he would gratify him with a bond for a thousand pounds; which being executed accordingly, this worthy knight advertised me and my maid in the public papers, offering one hundred pounds as a reward to any person who should disclose the place of our retirement.¹⁰⁷

As soon as the paper fell into my hands I was again involved in perplexity; and being afraid of staying in town, resolved, with the concurrence of my lover, to accept of an invitation I had received from the duke of K——, who had by this time arrived in England, with that lady whom I have already mentioned,¹⁰⁸ as one of our parties at Paris. Having visited my little infant, I next day set out for the duke’s country-seat,¹⁰⁹ which is a most elegant chateau, and stands in a charming situation: Mr. S—— followed in a few days; we met with a very cordial reception; his grace was civil and good-natured, lived nobly and loved pleasure; Madam la T—— was formed to please: there was always a great deal of good company in the house; so that we passed our time agreeably in playing at billiards and cards, hunting, walking, reading and conversation.

But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration. In the midst of all this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction, in the death of my dear hapless infant, who had ingrossed a greater share of my tenderness than perhaps I even should have paid to the offspring of a legitimate contract, because the circumstance of her birth would have been an unsurmountable misfortune to her thro’ the whole course of her life, and rendered her absolutely dependent on my love and protection.

While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom, lord —— came down, and demanded me as his wife; but the suit which I then maintained against him deprived him, for the present, of an husband’s right; and therefore the duke would not deliver me into his hands.

In six months he repeated his visit and demand; and an agreement was patched up, in consequence of which I consented to live in the same house with him, on condition that he should never desire to sleep with me, or take any other measure to disturb my peace; otherwise I should be at liberty to leave him again, and intitled to the provision of a separate maintenance.¹¹⁰ To these articles I assented, by the advice of my lawyers, with a view of obtaining the payment of my pin-money,¹¹¹ which I had never received since our parting, but subsisted on the sale of my jewels, which were very considerable, and had been presented to me with full power of alienation.¹¹² As to my lover, he had no fortune to support me; and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting his expence.

We had now enjoyed each other’s company for three years, during which our mutual passion had suffered no abatement, nor had my happiness been mixed with any considerable allay, except that late stroke of providence which I have already mentioned, and the reflexion of the sorrow that my conduct had intailed upon my dear father, whom I loved beyond expression, and whom nothing could have compelled me to disoblige but a more powerful flame, that prevailed over every other consideration. As I was now forced to break off this inchanting correspondence, it is not to be doubted that our parting cost us the most acute sensations of grief and disappointment. However, there was no remedy: I tore myself from his arms, took my leave of the family, after having acknowledged my obligations to the duke, and set out for the place of rendezvous, where I was met by my lord, attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged, and who was one chief cause of our future separations. My lord having quitted his house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Pall-Mall, and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night; but I refused to gratify his desire, on the authority of our agreement.

This dispute produced a quarrel,¹¹³ in consequence of which I attempted to leave the house; and he endeavouring to prevent my retreat, I fairly locked him in, ran down stairs, and calling a hackney coach, made the best of my way into the city, to my father’s lodgings, where I lay, the family being in town, tho’ he himself was in the country. I wrote to him immediately, and when he came to London, declared my intention of separating from my lord, with which, seeing me obstinate and determined, he at length acquiesced, and a formal separation accordingly ensued,¹¹⁴ which at that time I thought binding and immutable.

I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father, who had taken me into favour again, on the supposition that my commerce with Mr. S—— was absolutely at an end. Nevertheless, tho’ we had separated, in all appearance, for ever, we had previously agreed to maintain our correspondence in private interviews, which should escape the notice of the world, with which I was again obliged to keep some measures.

Our parting at the duke of K——’s house in the country was attended with all the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection, and I lived in the sweet hope of seeing him again, in all the transport of his former passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, brought me a billet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing the superscription of S——’s hand-writing, I opened it with all the impatience of an absent lover; but how shall I describe the astonishment and consternation with which I was seized, when I perused the contents! Instead of the most tender vows and protestations, this fatal epistle began with, Madam, the best thing you can do is to return to your father; or some cold and killing expression, to that effect.

Heaven and earth! what did I feel at this dire conjuncture! The light forsook my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed my limbs, and I was overwhelmed with such a torrent of sorrow and surprize, that every body present believed I would have died under the violent agitation. They endeavoured to support my spirits with repeated draughts of strong liquor, which had no sensible effect upon my constitution, tho’ for eight whole years I had drank nothing stronger than water; and I must have infallibly perished in the first extasy of my grief, had it not made its way in a fit of tears and exclamation, in which I continued all night, to the amazement of the family, whom my condition had alarmed, and raised from their repose. My father was the only person who guessed the cause of my affliction; he said he was sure I had received some ill usage in a letter or message from that rascal S—— (so he termed him in the bitterness of passion).

At mention of that name my agony redoubled to such a degree, that all who were present wept at sight of my deplorable condition. My poor father shed a flood of tears, and conjured me to tell him the cause of my disquiet: upon which, rather than confess the truth, I amused his concern, by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole family having stayed by me till I was a little more composed, left me to the care of my maid, who put me into bed about six in the morning; but I enjoyed no rest: I revolved every circumstance of my conduct, endeavouring to find out the cause of this fatal change in S——’s disposition; and as I could recollect nothing which could justly give offence, concluded that some malicious persons had abused his ears with stories to my prejudice.

With this conjecture I got up, and sent my lawyer to him with a letter, wherein I insisted upon seeing him, that I might have an opportunity of justifying myself in person; a task which would be easily performed, as I had never offended, but in loving too well. I waited with the most anxious impatience for the return of my messenger, who brought me an answer couched in the coldest terms of civility which indifference could dictate; acknowledging, however, that he had nothing to lay to my charge, but that it was for the good of us both we should part.—He ought to have reflected on that before, not after I had sacrificed my all for his love! I was well nigh distracted by this confirmation of his inconstancy; and I wonder to this day how I retained the use of reason, under such circumstances of horror and despair! My grief laid aside all decorum and restraint; I told my father that S—— was dying, and that I would visit him with all expedition.

Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the fatal consequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the difficulty with which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive my former imprudence, observed that his intention was to carry me into the country next day, in order to effect a perfect reconciliation; but now I was on the brink of forfeiting all pretensions to their regard, by committing another fatal error, which could not possibly be retrieved; and that for his part, whatever pangs it might cost him, he was resolved to banish me from his sight for ever.

While he uttered this declaration the tears trickled down his cheeks, and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification; so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief, reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and the consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was struck dumb with remorse and woe; and when I recovered the use of speech, I told him how sensible I was of his great goodness and humanity, and owned how little I deserved his favour and affection; that the sense of my own unworthiness was one cause of my present distraction; for such was the condition of my fate, that I must either see S—— or die. I said, tho’ I could not expect his forgiveness, I was surely worthy of his compassion; that nothing but the most irresistible passion could have misled me at first from my duty, or tempted me to incur the least degree of his displeasure; that the same fatal influence still prevailed, and would, in all probability, continue to the grave, which was the only abode in which I hoped for peace.

While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept with the most tender sympathy, and saying I might do as I pleased, for he had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the cruel sensations of my own heart, which almost bursted with anguish, upbraiding me with a fault which I could not help committing.

I immediately hired a chariot and six, and would have set out by myself, had not my father’s affection, which all my errors could not efface, provided an attendant. He saw me quite delirious and desperate; and therefore engaged a relation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rash expedition.

During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remission of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and suspense: at last we arrived at a little house called the Hut, on Salisbury plain,¹¹⁵ where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote a letter to S——, describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced by his unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most earnest sollicitations.

This billet I committed to the care of my attendant, and laid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S——, my injuries were so great, and my despair so violent, that if he did not favour me with a visit, I would go to him, though at his sister’s house, where he then was.

He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend, that if I would return to London, without insisting upon the interview I demanded, he would in a little time follow me to town, and every thing should be amicably adjusted. But when the messenger assured him, that I was too much transported with grief, to hear of such a proposal, he consented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury-plain, that we might avoid all observation: and though I was little able to walk, I set out on foot for the place of assignation, my companion following at a small distance.

When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I collected all my fortitude, and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert; but when I made an effort to speak, my tongue denied its office; and so lively was the expression of unutterable sorrow in my countenance, that his heart (hard as it was) melted at sight of my sufferings, which he well knew proceeded from the sincerity of my love. At length I recovered the use of speech, enough to tell him, that I was come to take my leave; and when I would have proceeded, my voice failed me again: but, after a considerable pause, I found means, with great difficulty, to let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrieve his lost affections; but that I was willing (if possible) to retain his esteem, of which, could I be assured, I would endeavour to compose myself; that I was determined to leave the kingdom, because I could not bear the sight of those places where we had been so happy in our mutual love; and that, till my departure, I hoped he would visit me sometimes, that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his company; for, I should not be able to survive the shock of being deprived of him all at once.

This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer; but love will tame the proudest disposition, as plainly appeared in my case; for I had naturally as much spirit, or more, than the generality of people have. Mr. S—— was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour, that he scarce knew what answer to make; for (as he afterwards owned) he expected to hear himself upbraided; but he was not proof against my tenderness. After some hesitation, he said he never meant to forsake me intirely, that his affection was still unimpaired, and that he would follow me directly to London. I imposed upon myself, and believed what he said, because I could not bear to think of parting with him for ever, and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind than that in which I had left my father, though my heart was far from being at ease; my fears being ingenious enough to foresee, that I should never be able to overcome his indifference.

I took lodgings in Mount-street,¹¹⁶ and my maid having disposed of herself in marriage, hired another, who supplied her place very much to my satisfaction; she was a good girl, had a particular attachment to me, and for many years, during which she lived in my service, was indefatigably assiduous in contributing to my ease, or rather, in alleviating my affliction: for, though S—— came up to town according to promise, and renewed a sort of correspondence with me for the space of five months, his complaisance would extend no farther; and he gave me to understand, that he had determined to go abroad with Mr. V——, whom he accordingly accompanied in his envoy-ship to D——n.¹¹⁷

I understood the real cause of this expedition, which, notwithstanding his oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard, I construed into a palpable mark of dislike and disrespect; nor could the repeated assurances I received from him in letters, mitigate the anguish and mortification that preyed upon my heart. I therefore gave up all hopes of recovering the happiness I had lost: I told him, on the eve of his departure, that he might exercise his gallantry a great while, before he would meet with my fellow, in point of sincerity and love; for I would rather have been a servant in his house, with the privilege of seeing him, than the queen of England, debarred of that pleasure.

When he took his leave, and went down stairs, I shrunk at every step he made, as if a new wound had been inflicted upon me; and when I heard the door shut behind him, my heart died within me. (I had the satisfaction to hear afterwards, he lamented the loss of me prodigiously, and that he had never been so happy since.) I sat down to write a letter, in which I forgave his indifference, because I knew the affections are altogether involuntary, and wished him all the happiness he deserved. I then walked up and down the room in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by my maid, rose at six, mounted my horse, and rode forty miles, in order to fatigue myself, that I might, next night, enjoy some repose. This exercise I daily underwent for months together; and when it did not answer my purpose, I used to walk round Hyde-park in the evening, when the place was quite solitary, and unvisited by any other human creature.

In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was one day accosted by a very great man,¹¹⁸ who, after the first salutation, asked whether or not my intercourse with S—— was at an end; and if I had any allowance from my husband? To the first of these questions I replied in the affirmative; and to the last answered, that my lord did not allow me a great deal; indeed I might have truly said, nothing at all: but I was too proud to own my indigence. He then expressed his wonder, how one like me, who had been used to splendor and affluence from my cradle, could make shift to live in my present narrow circumstances; and when I told him that I could make a very good shift, so I had peace, he seemed to lament my situation, and very kindly invited me to sup with his wife, at his house. I accepted the invitation, without any apprehension of the consequence; and when I went to the place, was introduced into an apartment, magnificently lighted up (I suppose) for my reception.

After I stayed alone for some time in this mysterious situation, without seeing a living soul, my inviter appeared, and said, he hoped I would not take it amiss, that he and I were to sup by ourselves, as he had something to say, which could not be so properly communicated before company or servants. I then, for the first time, perceived his drift, to my no small surprize and indignation; and with evident marks of displeasure told him, I was sure he had nothing to propose that would be agreeable to my inclination, and that I would immediately leave the house. Upon which, he gave me to understand, that I could not possibly retire, because he had sent away my chair, and all his servants were disposed to obey his orders.

Incensed at this declaration, which I considered as an insult, I answered with an air of resolution, it was very well; I despised his contrivance, and was afraid of nobody. Seeing me thus alarmed, he assured me I had no reason to be afraid; that he had loved me long, and could find no other opportunity of declaring his passion. He said, the Q—— had told him, that lord C—— had renewed his addresses to me;¹¹⁹ and as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence with S—— was absolutely broke off, he thought himself as well intitled as another to my regard. In conclusion, he told me, that I might command his purse, and that he had power enough to bring me into the world again with éclat.¹²⁰ To these advances I replied, that he was very much mistaken in his opinion of my character, if he imagined I was to be won by any temptations of fortune, and very frankly declared, that I would rather give myself to a footman, than sell myself to a prince.

Supper being served, we sat down together; but I would neither eat nor drink any thing, except a little bread and water; for I was an odd whimsical girl; and it came into my head, that he might, perhaps, have mixed something in the victuals or wine, which would alter my way of thinking. In short, finding himself baffled in all his endeavours, he permitted me, about twelve o’clock, to depart in peace, and gave up his suit, as a desperate cause.

This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelvemonth, without feeling the least abatement of my melancholy; and finding myself worn to a skeleton, I resumed my former resolution of trying to profit by change of place, and actually went abroad with no other attendant but my woman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention was to have gone to the South of France, where I thought I could have subsisted on the little I had left, which amounted to five hundred pounds, until the issue of my law-suit, by which I hoped to obtain some provision from my lord; and, without all doubt, my expectation would have been answered, had I put this my plan in execution: but being at Paris, from whence I purposed to set forward in a few days, I sent to Mr. K——,¹²¹ who had been formerly intimate with my father, and shewn me many civilities during my first residence in France.

This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and when I made him acquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it, as an uncomfortable determination, and advised me to stay at Paris, where, with good œconomy, I could live as cheap as in any other place, and enjoy the conversation and countenance of my friends, among which number he declared himself one of the most faithful; assuring me, that I should be always welcome to his table, and want for nothing; and promising to recommend me as a lodger to a friend of his, with whom I would live in a frugal and decent manner; and that, as the woman was well known and esteemed by all the English company in Paris, it would be the most reputable step I could take, (considering my youth and situation) to lodge with a creditable person, who could answer for my conduct. Thus persuaded, I very simply followed his advice; I say simply, because notwithstanding his representations, I soon found my money melt away, without any prospect of a fresh supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my time very agreeably in several English, and some French families, where, in a little time, I became quite intimate, saw a great deal of company, and was treated with the utmost politeness and regard; yet, in the midst of these pleasures, many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance of my beloved S——, whom for several years I could not recollect without emotion; but time, company, amusements, and change of place, in a great measure dissipated these ideas, and enabled me to bear my fate with patience and resignation.

On my last arrival at Paris, I was surrounded by a croud of professed admirers, who sighed and flattered in the usual forms; but, besides that my heart was not yet in a condition to contract new engagements, I was prepossessed against them all, by supposing that they presumed upon the knowledge of my indiscretion with S——; and therefore rejected their addresses with detestation and disdain: for, as I have already observed, I was not to be won, but by the appearance of esteem and the most respectful carriage; and though, by a false step, I had, in my own opinion, forfeited my title to the one, I was resolved to discourage the advances of any man who seemed deficient in the other.

In this manner, my lovers were, one by one, repulsed, almost as soon as they presented themselves, and I preserved the independance of my heart, until I became acquainted with a certain peer,¹²² whom I often saw at the house of Mrs. P——,¹²³ an English lady then resident at Paris. This young nobleman professed himself deeply enamoured of me, in a stile so different from that of my other admirers, that I heard his protestations without disgust; and though my inclinations were still free, could not find in my heart to discountenance his addresses, which were preferred with the most engaging modesty, disinterestedness and respect.

By these never-failing arts, he gradually conquered my indifference, and gained the preference in my esteem from lord C——y¹²⁴ and the prince of C——,¹²⁵ who were at that time his rivals. But what contributed (more than any consideration) to his success, was his declaring openly, that he would marry me without hesitation, as soon as I could obtain a divorce from my present husband, which, in all probability, might have been easily procured; for before I left England, lord —— had offered me five thousand pounds, if I would consent to such a mutual release, that he might be at liberty to espouse one Miss W—— of Kent,¹²⁶ to whom he then made love upon honourable terms: but I was fool enough to refuse his proposal, by the advice of S——: and whether or not his lordship finding it impracticable to wed his new mistress, began to make love upon another footing, I know not; but certain it is, the mother forbad him the house, a circumstance which he took so heinously ill, that he appealed to the world in a public advertisement,¹²⁷ beginning with, Whereas, for some time, I have passionately loved Miss W——, and upon my not complying with the mother’s proposals, they have turned me out of doors; this is to justify, &c.

This declaration, signed with his name, was actually printed in a number of detached advertisements, which he ordered to be distributed to the public; and afterwards, being convinced by some of his friends, that he had done a very silly thing, he recalled them at half a guinea apiece. A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris; and I believe my father has now one of the originals in his possession. After this wise vindication of his conduct, he made an attempt to carry off the lady from church, by force of arms; but she was rescued by the neighbours, headed by her brother, who being an attorney, had like to have made his lordship smart severely for this exploit.

Mean while, my new admirer had made some progress in my heart; and my finances being exhausted, I was reduced to the alternative of returning to lord —— again, or accepting earl B——’s love.¹²⁸ When my affairs were brought to that issue, I made no hesitation in my choice, putting myself under the protection of a man of honour, whom I esteemed, rather than suffer every sort of mortification, from a person who was the object of my abhorrence and contempt. From a mistaken pride, I chose to live in lord B——k’s house,¹²⁹ rather than be maintained at his expense in any other place. We spent several months agreeably in balls and other diversions, visited lord B——k, who lived at the distance of a few leagues from Paris, and stayed some days at his house, where the entertainment was, in all respects, delightful, elegant, and refined. Their habitation was the rendezvous of the best company in France; and lady B——k maintained the same superiority in her own sex,¹³⁰ for which her lord is so justly distinguished among the men.

About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a little North Briton,¹³¹ who lived with lord B—— as his companion, and did not at all approve of our correspondence; whether out of real friendship for his patron, or apprehension that in time I might supersede his own influence with my lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be that as it will, the frost was so severe, that we were detained ten days at Calais, before we could get out of the harbour; and during that time, I reflected seriously on what my new lover had proposed: as he was very young, and unacquainted with the world, I thought my story might have escaped him; and therefore determined to give him a faithful detail of the whole, that he might not have any thing to reproach me with in the sequel; besides, I did not think it honest to engage him to do more for me than he might afterwards, perhaps, think I was worth. Accordingly, I communicated to him every particular of my life; and the narration, far from altering his sentiments, rather confirmed his good opinion, by exhibiting an undoubted proof of my frankness and sincerity. In short, he behaved with such generosity, as made an absolute conquest of my heart: but my love was of a different kind from that which had formerly reigned within my breast, being founded upon the warmest gratitude and esteem, exclusive of any other consideration, though his person was very agreeable, and his address engaging.