His heart being thus, as it were, suspended between two objects that lessened the force of each other’s attraction, he took this opportunity of enjoying some respite, and for the present detached his sentiments from both; resolving to indulge himself in the exercise of that practical satire,1 which was so agreeable and peculiar to his disposition. In this laudable determination he was confirmed by the repeated suggestions of his friend Cadwallader, who taxed him with letting his talents rust in indolence, and stimulated his natural vivacity, with a succession of fresh discoveries in the world of scandal.
Thus reinforced, they took the field, and performed various exploits, to the mortification, astonishment and dismay of all those coxcombs, whether male or female, fierce or feeble, insolent or tame, that hang like tatters on the skirts of gallantry, and bring the fashion into disgrace. As I might trespass upon the patience of the reader, in giving a minute detail of each adventure of this kind which they atchieved, I shall content myself with relating two only, to which indeed all the rest bore some resemblance.
Peregrine’s intelligencer, who (as we have already observed) was a privileged person in all parties, happened one morning to breakfast with a sort of a great man, who, with a large stock of timorous superstition and exterior piety, had at bottom a spice of carnality, which all his religion could not extinguish. Among the rest of his dependants, there was a certain favourite, who by the most assiduous attention to his humour, in a course of artful flattery and servile complaisance, had insinuated himself so far into his confidence and esteem, that he now acted in the capacity of his counsellor and director, both in his spiritual and temporal concerns.
This cunning parasite having discovered his patron’s infirmity, began to be afraid, that in the instigations of the flesh, he might be tempted to employ some other agent for the gratification of his appetite: and foreseeing that any minister of this kind would infallibly prove a dangerous rival to him, in the good graces of his master, he resolved to anticipate the misfortune, and, with his other offices, monopolize the functions of a Mercury,2 for which his talents were perfectly well adapted. But this was not the whole of his task; he knew there were certain qualms and scruples of conscience to be removed, as well as other motives of shyness and distrust, which he durst not leave to the operation of his friend’s own desires, lest he should choose some other confident; he therefore observed the different seasons of his constitution, and culled the proper opportunities of expressing a relaxation in his sentiments of chastity; which being gratefully received, he proceeded in the work of conversion, already half effected by his patron’s own passions; and in conclusion, found a willing dame to quench this fire that scorched his vitals. He had overnight obtained her consent, and the particulars of their meeting were adjusted, in presence of Cadwallader, who gave his associate to understand that, with a view of keeping the rendezvous secret and mysterious, as well as of saving the lovers that mutual confusion which the light must have produced, the scene of their interview was laid in a summer-house, that stood at the end of his garden, to which the lady and her conductor would be admitted in the dark, through a back-door that should be left open for the purpose. Peregrine being made acquainted with these particulars, together with the hour of assignation, ordered Pipes to purchase a live calf, and carried it in a sack, about the twilight, to the back-garden-door, which our hero entered without hesitation, disposing himself and his attendants in a dark alcove immediately under the summer-house, where (without disengaging the animal from its covering) he besmeared its front with liquid phosphorus, and directed Tom to unveil, and present it to the company at their approach, while he himself absconded behind a pillar, from whence he could view the entertainment. They had continued a whole hour in this situation, when they perceived by star-light, three persons enter the postern, and advance towards the place where they lay; upon which, Pipes began to disentangle his charge, that he might be ready to play it off at the proper time; but, as he was not very expert in this business, the calf finding itself disengaged from its confinement, sprung all of a sudden out of his hands, and running directly forwards, encountered those that approached, and as it passed them, uttered a loud Baa.
The gallant, whose passions were exalted to a pitch of enthusiasm, as susceptible of religious horror as of love, seeing such an apparition, when he was at the point of indulging a criminal appetite, and hearing the dreadful cry, accompanied with the terrible word damnation, which Pipes, in his peculiar tone, exclaimed from the alcove, when the animal made its escape; he was seized with consternation and remorse, and falling upon his face, lay in all the agonies of terror, believing himself warned by a particular message from above. His trusty squire, who was not quite so visionary, recollecting himself from the surprize he had suffered at the first appearance of such a glaring phænomenon, which had also such an effect upon the lady, that she ran out into the fields, screaming all the way: I say, he no sooner recovered the faculty of reflection, which this accident had for some minutes taken away, than he observed his patron’s prostration; and guessing the condition of his thoughts, resolved to profit by his sagacity. He accordingly laid himself gently down upon the cold walk, and lay very quietly, till the lover, having in a faultring voice called thrice upon his name, without being favoured with an answer, raised himself up, and coming to the spot, shook him by the arm; upon which he seemed to wake from his trance, and in a most penitent tone pronounced a very pious ejaculation, which confirmed the opinion of his principal, who asked him with fear and trembling, if he had heard the voice and seen the light. Being an excellent actor, he replied with all the marks of amazement, that he was struck blind with a gush of light, far exceeding that of the sun at noon, and his ears appalled with a voice, like the sound of many waters, denouncing damnation to those who obey the lusts of the flesh.
The converted lover, though he was not sensible of such extraordinary circumstances of visitation, implicitely believed every tittle of his account, imputing the difference of his own perception to the weakness of his organs, which were sooner disturbed than those of his purveyor. He therefore proposed, that they should adjourn to the chamber which had been destined for the scene of his transgression, and with sorrow and contrition ask pardon of heaven for his intended offence, acknowledging at the same time, the seasonable and salutary interposition of providence. This duty was accordingly performed, after they had searched in vain for the nymph, who (the squire seemed to think) was conveyed by some supernatural means from the garden; for he said, as he lay intranced upon the ground, he heard a rattling like the chariots of Aminadab,3 and the shrieks of the young woman gradually sinking in a distant cadence, as if she had been transported through the air.
As the pair of penitents walked up stairs to the summer-house, the patron, in an extasy of faith, pronounced, “After this tremendous scene, who can be so incredulous, so dead to all conviction, as to doubt the miracle of the loaves and fishes, or the amazing circumstances that attended the conversion of St. Paul?”4 While they were employed in the exercise of their devotion, our hero and his attendant retired by the back-door, which opened into the fields; and while Pipes went in pursuit of his calf, which had taken shelter under the wall, his master proceeded forwards to the place from whence he had come, where he had agreed to meet Cadwallader, and communicate the success of his enterprize, with which he was perfectly well pleased. In crossing the field that lay betwixt him and that part of the town for which he was bound, he chanced to pass by a heap of wood, upon which he perceived a woman, tolerably well dressed, sitting, and holding a smelling-bottle to her nose. He immediately guessed her to be the lady whom he had interrupted in her assignation; and thinking it was incumbent upon him to make some atonement for the injury he had done, he accosted her with great politeness and respect, telling her, he presumed, from her being in such a solitary place, at such an hour, that she had met with some misfortune; and that, if she would put herself under his protection, he would defend her from any farther insult.
His conjecture was right; this was the individual inamorata who had fled from the garden, and who was so terrified at the vision, the meaning of which she could not comprehend, that she found herself unable to proceed farther homewards, and sat down on a log of wood, to enjoy a little pause of rest, and endeavour to recollect her dissipated spirits. She had not yet got the better of her apprehension, which was rather increased by the darkness of the night and the loneliness of the place; so that she, without scruple, embraced the offer of a person who behaved with such gentle address: and as she was enervated by fear, he carefully supported her in walking, with his arm round her waist, encouraging her all the way with assurances of safety, and expressing his curiosity to know the adventure, in consequence of which she had occasion for assistance. She spoke very little during her passage through the field, because, notwithstanding his professions and appearance, he was still a stranger; and therefore she could not be altogether easy, while she thought herself absolutely in his power: but, when they entered the town, and mingled with the concourse of people that pass and repass through all the streets of this metropolis, her diffidence intirely vanished, and her conversation became altogether unreserved.
The remembrance of what had discomposed her so much in the garden, now afforded subject for her mirth; and when her conductor still repeated his desire of information, she could not help laughing heartily, at the circumstances which his questions recalled. Encouraged by this manifestation of good humour, he observed, that as her spirits were exhausted by the fatigue and disquiet she had undergone, it would be impossible for her to walk much farther, and begg’d she would step with him into the next tavern, where they might send for an hackney-coach or chair, in which she would be conveyed to her own lodging. After much intreaty, she consented to his proposal; and he had the pleasure to see, that she was a very handsome young woman, about the age of eighteen.
The joy he felt at this discovery lightened in his eyes; nor was she able to conceal a certain alacrity and satisfaction that appeared in her countenance, when she obtained a distinct view of her protector’s person. In short, she was prevailed upon to drink a glass of wine; and Peregrine presuming upon his knowledge of her adventure, began to make love with great vehemence. At first, she pretended to take offence at his presumption; but, perceiving from certain insinuations which he artfully dropp’d, that he was better acquainted with her character than she had imagined, her shyness gradually wore off, and they soon came to a satisfactory explanation; in the beginning of which, he frankly unravelled the whole mystery of the apparition: a discovery which had almost proved fatal to her, from the violence of mirth it produced; and she as candidly disclosed her own private history. She told him, that her lover’s honourable agent had formerly lived in the house of her mother, who being a poor widow, supported her family by letting lodgings; that he had, by the opportunities of familiarity and friendship, employed his arts upon her, and actually debauched this girl, when she was no more than fifteen years of age; that upon the remonstrances of her mother, who detected their correspondence, by perceiving she was with child, he had quitted the house, with an absolute refusal to provide for her; so that she was obliged to sue him for the maintenance of the infant, and reduced to the necessity of receiving gallants in private; though she had always managed her occupation in such a manner, as to preserve her character unsuspected in the neighbourhood: and lastly, that her first seducer had lately renewed his correspondence, by dint of presents and apologies, and procured her as a virgin for his patron, who had promised to settle some small provision upon her for life.
Peregrine comforted her for her disappointment, by reciting what he had overheard of the conversation that passed in the garden, after she made her elopement; from whence he inferred, that her interest would suffer no prejudice from that interruption; because, in all probability, her intended lover’s flesh would soon get the better of the spirit again, in spite of a thousand apparitions; in which case, he would again have recourse to her compliance; or, should his superstition prevail, he would look upon himself as in duty and conscience bound, to enable her, by a suitable settlement, to withstand such temptations for the future.
She seemed to concur with his opinion, and was perfectly satisfied with that expectation, while our hero was more and more engaged by her easy and agreeable deportment. Her conversation was that of a gay libertine, who had a good share of sense and imagination, which, with a natural vivacity, she employed in accommodating herself to the humour of her gallant: but his ears were not disgusted with the nauseous ribaldry and vulgar execrations which characterise the discourse of those nymphs, whose temporary endearments are solicited by the distinguishing youth of this refined age. In a word, this accidental meeting was productive of very agreeable consequences to both; and an intimacy of intercourse immediately commenced, the result of which was, her promising to reserve her favours for him alone, till farther notice, and to enter into no measures with the visionary, but such as he should know and approve.
Having passed the evening with this new acquaintance, and informed himself of the particulars necessary to be known, for the support of the correspondence they had established, he favoured her with some marks of his bounty, and repaired to the lodgings of his friend Crabtree, who was so much incensed at his breach of punctuality, that he ordered himself to be denied; and when the young gentleman forced his entrance into his chamber, vi & armis,5 would not open his mouth; but assuming the most grim contraction of his countenance, sat in sullen silence, till the circumstances of the adventure, which his associate knew how to relate to the greatest advantage, gradually unbended his features to an involuntary smile, which soon dilated into an unrestrained laugh, assuring Peregrine of his forgiveness and approbation: for though (as I have already observed) this Misanthrope had gained an absolute ascendency over the muscles of his face, and, when under the eye of the world, could laugh inwardly, without betraying the least symptom of mirth, this self-denial was not exerted without pains; and therefore he, in private, indemnified himself for the trouble he was at, in preserving that inflexible gravity in public.
Next day in the evening, our adventurer visited his fair Phillis,6 and understood that she had a message from the new convert, exhorting her to repentance and reformation, and promising to support her in her laudable endeavours, as soon as she should be disposed to begin the great work. At the same time, his trusty messenger had talked of his patron’s conversion in the most ludicrous terms, accounted for the apparition, by affirming, that it was no other than a dog, with a paper-lanthorn hanging to his neck, equipped in that manner by some prentices for their diversion; that he had been thrown over the wall, with a view to frighten the servants of the family; and not liking his quarters, no sooner perceived the garden-door opened, than he naturally ran towards it, in order to make his escape. He likewise frankly owned, that he had, with a view to his own interest, encouraged his lord and master in his superstitious fears, and even counselled him to execute, in the course of his penitence, a plan which he had formerly laid, of commencing author, and espousing in print the cause of miracles, against the children of perverseness and incredulity: and in conclusion, this faithful adviser had made strong love on his own score, proposing to maintain a correspondence with her, for which she would be amply recompenced by the bounty of his patron, whom he undertook to deceive with a feigned account of her repentance.
The wench, having an aversion to the character of this parasite, whom she had too great reason to know, instead of embracing his proposal with chearfulness and alacrity, told him with an affected air of severity, that howsoever his heart might be hardened against the warnings of heaven, she had the internal comfort to find her own breast touched with a due sense of her unworthiness, and would, by the blessing of providence, imitate the salutary example of his good friend, to whom she intended to write an account of her inward workings, which she hoped were no other than the motions of the spirit.
Mr. Mercury hearing this unexpected declaration, which was delivered with a face of pious resolution, immediately availed himself of that hypocrisy, which he possessed to such a consummate degree; and after having protested with great earnestness, that what he had said, was uttered with a view to try whether or not she was intirely mortified to all the lusts of the flesh, he applauded her determination with the most lofty encomiums, and admonished her to perseverance, in an enthusiastic harangue;7 during which, the tears actually gushed from his eyes, and his looks adopted a sort of wildness and extatic stare, as if he had been really transported.
Though she saw through the disguise, she seemed convinced of his sincerity; as a confirmation of which, he gave her his purse, and took his leave, assuring her that she should never want, so long as she could retain grace enough to persist in the happy work she had so righteously begun. Peregrine approved of her behaviour, and having instructed her with regard to her future conduct, returned to his auxiliary and intelligencer, with whom he concerted another stratagem, to be practised upon a certain shegamester of fashion, and a French adventurer, who, under the title of count, supported with invincible effrontery, and a large stock of finesse, had found means to introduce himself among the quality, from many of whom he had extracted large sums of money at play. Among those whom he laid under contribution, was this lady, who with all the inclination of a rank sharper, had fallen a sacrifice to his superior talents, and become his debtor for five hundred pounds, which she could not pay without the assistance of her husband, whom she did not think proper to inform of the loss. She had for some days evaded the demands of her creditor, by divers specious pretences, which, however, were soon exhausted; and he grew so disagreeably importunate, as to threaten an application to her lord, if she would not discharge the debt immediately.
The lady being a latitudinarian in her principles,8 and reduced to great perplexity by these menaces, could think of no other expedient to extricate herself, than that of practising upon the foreigner’s heart, which she accordingly assailed with all the arts of coquetry, reinforced by a very agreeable person, to which she had been often indebted for sundry fortunate events. Nevertheless, in all probability she would have found the count impregnable, had not he, at this crisis, luckily met with such a flow of success, as elevated his fancy, and opened his heart to amorous impressions. In this state of exultation did he first perceive, or at least acknowledge the attractions of his debtor, to whom he, in a billet, declared his passion, and frankly proposed the alternative, which it was her sole aim to procure.
After the necessary scruples of decent reluctance, the affair was compromised, in the hearing of Cadwallader, who reported to his associate, that she had given the count an assignation at the house of a discreet matron, who, under the denomination of a milliner, kept commodious apartments for interviews of this kind.
Peregrine, who was not unknown to this priestess of love, no sooner received this intelligence, than he went and bespoke one of her chambers, contiguous to that which the foreigner had chosen for his accommodation; and some time before the hour of their appointment, took possession of it, accompanied by Crabtree, whom he had dressed in woman’s apparel, because the Misanthrope would not run the risque of being observed in propria persona.
The lovers, true to their contract, met precisely at the hour; the lady having disguised herself in an ordinary dishabille, with a capuchin,9 the hood of which effectually concealed her countenance; and the door of their apartment being shut, the count found himself on the brink of enjoying his good fortune, when all of a sudden, Peregrine, placing himself at the door, pronounced aloud, in the very voice and manner of her lord, whom he personally knew, “Stand firm upon your post, Mr. Constable, and take care that none shall pass, while I break open the door, and make sure of the delinquent; for now I think her ladyship is fairly caught.”
This exclamation produced an instantaneous effect in the chamber: the count, terrified at the prospect of immediate death or prosecution,10 ran directly to the window, and throwing up the sash, would have made his exit into the street, without ceremony; but my lady, who never doubted that her husband was at the door, had recourse to that presence of mind, which never forsook her upon such occasions; and seizing her gallant by the collar, exalted her voice, crying, “Rape! Murder! Rape! Ah villain! do you attempt my virtue? Are these the laces you invited me to come and see? Ah, you beastly monster! Help, good people, help!”
The noise of these outcries, (in consequence of which Pickle immediately retreated to his den) alarmed the whole family. The landlady, whose reputation was at stake, ran up stairs, accompanied by two chairmen,11 who waited for my lady below; and the door being burst open by her directions, they found her ladyship in a violent agitation, holding fast by the count, who stood without his perriwig, shaking from head to foot, in all the agony of horror and dismay. My lady, finding herself delivered from the attempts of this ravisher, sunk down upon the couch in a swoon; and while the matron of the house administered to her nostrils, the chairmen secured the poor gallant, whose faculties were actually suppressed by the extasy of his fear.
The lady having a little recollected her spirits, and looking around, without perceiving her husband, concluded that he was satisfied of her innocence, by the artifice of her behaviour, and omitted to shew himself, that she might not be shocked at his appearance. On this supposition, she renewed her clamour against the count, whom she reviled with the epithets of perfidious wretch, and abominable ruffian; and expressed her doubts about the honesty of the house, to which (she said) he had decoyed her, on pretence of shewing some laces of a new pattern, that the milliner had received from abroad.
The landlady was no stranger to her person or character, and therefore had never doubted the truth of the count’s information, when he made her privy to the nature of this interview; but her ladyship’s present behaviour, (the true cause of which she did not know) intirely altered her opinion; and she now believed, that the count intended to have made her house the scene of a rape in good earnest. This suggestion divested her of all regard for her customer, against whom she exclaimed with great virulence, as a person who had endeavoured to intail the curse of infamy upon her house; and assured the plaintiff, that he had hired the apartment for a young lady, whom he pretended to have privately espoused, without the consent of her parents, from whose inquiries he had reasons to conceal the place of her abode.
The rueful foreigner, baited with their joint invectives, and more than half distracted with the terrors of an English jury, never dream’d of attempting to vindicate himself from the imputation he had incurred; because he imagined the whole affair was the result of a conspiracy against his life and fortune; but falling upon his knees before his accuser, in the most suppliant manner, implored her pardon, which he offered to acknowledge by a present of a thousand pounds. Had these terms been seasonably proposed, matters would soon have been brought to an accommodation; but she could not decently enter into a treaty with him, in presence of such witnesses; and besides, she believed herself still under the inspection of her husband. She therefore rejected his proffer with disdain, observing, that his guilt was of such a nature, as to preclude all hopes of forgiveness; and ordered the chairmen to take charge of his person, until he should be taken into custody by an officer properly authorized.
Having given these directions, at which the poor prisoner wrung his hands in horror and despair, she withdrew with the matron into another room, in expectation of being visited by her husband; and after having waited some time with manifest impatience, could not forbear asking if there were any other lodgers in the house: when the landlady replied in the negative, she began to sift her with a variety of questions, in the course of which she learn’d, that not a soul had entered the house after her own arrival; and then conjectured, that the voice she had mistaken for her husband’s, must have been part of a conversation that passed in the next house, from which she was separated by a thin party-wall.
This discovery mortified her in one respect, and pleased her in another; she was chagrined at the disagreeable interruption, because it laid her under the necessity of exposing her character to the inquiries of those whom her cries had brought to her assistance; though she was at the same time very well satisfied to find that her lord was ignorant of the adventure, and that it was now in her power to be revenged upon the count, for the severity of his behaviour, when he acted in the capacity of her creditor. She therefore resolved to extort a sum of money from him, by way of composition;12 and, under pretence of hushing up an affair, which might (otherwise) give scandal an opportunity to be free with her reputation, signified to her hostess, a desire of seeing matters compromised.
The prudent milliner applauded her moderation, by which she foresaw that her own character would escape censure; and being favoured with her ladyship’s confidence, went out immediately, in order to communicate her proposals to the prisoner; but while these deliberations were upon the carpet,13 he had employed his rhetoric so successfully upon his guard, that they were prevailed upon to set him at liberty, and make their own retreat, at the same time. So that her ladyship’s scheme proved abortive, and she was fain to retire to her own house, meditating further vengeance upon the fugitive, who did not think proper to stand the brunt of her indignation; but decamped that night for his native country, in which he happily secured his retreat, fully persuaded, that his ruin had been planned by a powerful confederacy in England, of which my lady was the chief instrument.
Mean while, our young gentleman and his tutor enjoyed the consternation and perplexity which they had produced, as an wholesome chastisement bestowed upon a profligate virago, lost to all sense of œconomy and decorum, and a just punishment inflicted upon an infamous adventurer, who not only pillaged, but also disgraced the company by whom he was caressed. It was in consequence of this adventure, that Peregrine conceived a very ludicrous project, the execution of which furnished entertainment and admiration to all the fashionable people in town. The appearance of Cadwallader in a female dress, was so uncouth and preternatural, that the good milliner, who chanced to be favoured with a glimpse of him, as he went up stairs with his supposed gallant, was not only astonished, but affrighted at the peculiarity of his countenance; and notwithstanding her well-tried discretion, which had never permitted her curiosity to exceed the bounds of complaisance, she could not forbear calling her son Pickle into another room, after her ladyship’s retreat; and asking with manifest marks of confusion and disquiet, if the person whom he had brought into her house, was really and bona fide a woman and a christian; at the same time, expressing her suspicion, from the disposition of his companion’s wrinkles, and the bristles that appeared upon her chin, that she was no better than a witch or a conjurer, whom he had employed to embroil and expose her customers by the art of sorcery, for which she prayed God would forgive him. “Certain I am (said she) the count and my lady went into the chamber with the disposition of two lambs, and in the twinkling of an eye, (Lord have mercy upon us!) there was nothing to be heard but discord and desperation! Ah! Mr. Pickle, Mr. Pickle! it was for no charitable end, that you was so anxious to occupy the next room. I thought there was something unnatural in the case, when I saw you lead up that old beldame with the beard.14 You have ruined the reputation of my house, Mr. Pickle. My good friends the countess of Peppermarsh, lady Tickletoe, and Mrs. Riggle, will never enter my doors again. I shall be deprived of getting an honest livelihood; and all by the cruelty of one that I loved as well as if I had been the mother that bore him. O that ever I was born to see this unlucky day!” These words she accompanied with sundry sobs, and a few extempore tears, the nature of which he perfectly understood; and therefore prescribed a cordial which in a moment set her heart at ease.