In the mean time, Peregrine flourished in the gay scenes of life, and (as I have already observed) had divers opportunities of profiting in the way of marriage, had not his ambition been a little too inordinate, and his heart still biassed by a passion, which all the levity of youth could not balance, nor all the pride of vanity overcome. Nor was our hero unmarked in the world of letters and taste: he had signalized himself in several poetical productions, by which he had acquired a good share of reputation; not that the pieces were such as ought to have done much honour to his genius; but any tolerable performance from a person of his figure and supposed fortune, will always be considered, by the bulk of readers, as an instance of astonishing capacity; though the very same production, ushered into the world with the name of an author in less affluent circumstances, would be justly disregarded and despised; so much is the opinion of most people influenced and over-awed by ridiculous considerations.1
Be this as it will, our young gentleman was no sooner distinguished as an author, than he was marked out as a patron, by all the starving retainers to poetry: he was solemnized in odes, celebrated in epigrams, and fed with the milk of soft dedication. His vanity even relished this incense; and though his reason could not help despising those that offered it, not one of them was sent away, unowned by his munificence. He began to think himself, in good earnest, that superior genius which their flattery had described; he cultivated acquaintance with the wits of fashion, and even composed in secret a number of bons mots, which he uttered in company as the impromptu’s of his imagination. In this practice indeed, he imitated some of the most renowned geniuses of the age, who (if the truth were known) have laboured in secret, with the sweat of their brows, for many a repartee which they have vended as the immediate production of fancy and expression. He was so successful in this exercise of his talents, that his fame actually came in competition with that of a great man, who had long sat at the helm of wit;2 and in a dialogue that once happened between them, on the subject of a cork-screw, wherein the altercation was discharged (according to Bayes) slap for slap, dash for dash,3 our hero was judged to have the better of his lordship, by some of the minor satellites, that commonly surround and reflect the rays of such mighty luminaries.
In a word, he dipped himself so far in these literary amusements, that he took the management of the pit into his direction, putting himself at the head of those critics who call themselves the town;4 and in that capacity chastised several players, who had been rendered insolent and refractory by unmerited success. As for the new productions of the stage, though generally unspirited and insipid, they always enjoyed the benefit of his influence and protection; because he never disliked the performance so much as he sympathized with the poor author, who stood behind the scenes in the most dreadful suspence, trembling, as it were, on the very brink of damnation: yet, though he extended his generosity and compassion to the humble and needy, he never let slip one opportunity of mortifying villainy and arrogance. Had the executive power of the legislature been vested in him, he would have doubtless devised strange species of punishment for all offenders against humanity and decorum; but, restricted as he was, he employed his invention in subjecting them to the ridicule and contempt of their fellow-subjects.
It was with that view he set on foot the scheme of conjuration, which was still happily carried on, and made use of the intelligence of his friend Cadwallader; though he sometimes converted this advantage to the purposes of gallantry, being (as the reader may have perceived) of a very amorous complexion. He not only acted the reformer, or rather the castigator, in the fashionable world, but also exercised his talents among the inferior class of people, who chanced to incur his displeasure.
Being one day insulted by a couple of chairmen,5 who demanded more than their fare, he took particular notice of their number; and next day, Pipes, being dressed in one of his old suits, went by his direction to a coffee-house near their stand, after he had loaded himself with an additional weight, amounting to an hundred pounds at least; and calling the same individual partners who had affronted his master, he took possession of their chair, and ordered them to carry him to a place at the distance of two long miles. The burthen was so extraordinary, that when they attempted to take him up, they imagined the vehicle was detained by some crack or crevice of the pavement, and one of them actually went to disengage it; but finding it clear, he began a song of imprecations upon his fare, who he swore had got a backside of block-tin;6 but, being obliged to accomplish his undertaking, he bent his shoulders once more to the load, bidding his comrade lift fair and be damn’d. The task was not performed in silence; while they staggered along, he cursed in a strain peculiar to himself, and in vain endeavoured to provoke the patient Pipes with opprobrious language, hoping that he would either dismiss them from his service, or be so incensed at his abuse, as to proceed to manual chastisement; in which case, the fellow would have an opportunity of gratifying his choler upon the author of his present grievance. Finding, however, that the gentleman bore his reproaches with the most philosophic indifference, he lost all patience; and being restrained, by the fear of the law, from an assault upon his fare, he turned the stream of his indignation upon his own partner, who, he alledged, did not bear his share of the burthen. This imputation created a dispute, which was maintained on both sides with such virulence of obloquy, as produced a quarrel, and mutual defiance to single combat, on the spot.
The chair was accordingly set down, without ceremony, the antagonists stripped themselves in a moment; and a fierce battle ensuing, Peregrine, who followed at a distance, enjoyed the pleasure of seeing them both beaten almost to jelly, before the contest was determined. As for Pipes, he sat still, and viewed the engagement with great composure; and perceiving his carriers disabled by their mutual prowess and perseverance, opened the chair, and very deliberately walked home to his master’s lodging, where he disincumbered himself of his load.
A few days after the atchievement of this exploit, one of our hero’s friends, who lodged at the house of an old peevish puritanical widow, that kept an hosier’s shop, was obliged to quit his apartment at a minute’s warning, because he had scandalized the house, by treating a female cousin at supper over-night. On this occasion, a great deal of sharp repartee had passed between him and his landlady, who not only subjected him to infinite inconvenience, from such a precipitate removal, but had likewise given her tongue such disagreeable liberties, at his expence, that he vowed revenge, and now sollicited the advice and assistance of his friend. Pickle having inquired into the character of the delinquent, who was hated by her neighbours, for her insolent and fretful disposition, undertook the cause of his companion, to whom he dictated the following advertisement, which was immediately inserted in one of the news-papers: “Any person possessed of a male black cat, with white feet, and a bushy tail, not exceeding the age of two or three years, will find a purchaser, by carrying it to the sign of the kid near St. James’s.”
The projector and his associate having obtained the promise of the publisher, that this intimation should appear next day, went early in the morning to a public house, and occupying a room, the windows of which fronted the hosier’s door, sat with joyful expectation to see the effect of their scheme, which soon yielded them all the satisfaction they could desire. The shop was no sooner opened, than it was surrounded by a great number of the Cannaille,7 who having heard the advertisement read in alehouses, came (each with a cat under his arm) in hopes of making an advantageous bargain; for though many of them were too inconsiderable to produce such an animal of their own property, they had made free with the first cats they could pick up, and every one repaired with all possible dispatch to the appointed place, with a view of forestalling the market;8 so that, in disputing the precedence, the whole crew went to loggerheads about the door, to the utter astonishment of the shopkeeper, who could not conceive the meaning of such a congregation.
Nevertheless, she began to harangue them in her usual stile, which was not the mildest sort of expostulation; and one of the multitude, who found means to detach himself from the general uproar and confusion, told her, he had brought a cat, which, he supposed, would answer the marks of her advertisement. “Here, (said he, presenting the creature) look at him, mistress; I’ll be damn’d if you ever saw a finer boar in your life.9 Do but mind his tusks and his tail; his tail is for all the world like a squirrel’s, and yet he’s no more than a kitten; I’m the son of a bitch, if he’s a day more than six months old.” This address, while it compleated her amazement, kindled her rage to such a degree, that she spit in his face, calling him a cat, and a rat, and a rascal; and shutting the hatch, threatened the whole assembly with Bridewell and imprisonment,10 if they would not immediately disperse. Her declamation was so shrill, as to command the attention of the whole audience, who finding their hopes frustrated, and hearing themselves so bitterly reviled, put an end to their own jars, and held a momentary conference; in consequence of which, one of them was deputed to ask, whether or not she had advertised for a black cat. This question being answered in the negative, with a string of reproachful epithets, the interrogator approaching the door, “Why, ye bitch of Babel!11 (said he) if you won’t give money for my cat, you shall have him for love.” With these words he threw it into the shop, and retired; while his brethren, in obedience to this signal, lifted up their hands as one man, and like soldiers at the word of command, discharged about forty cats at the same instant of time, upon the confounded hosier, who finding herself overwhelmed by such a number of animals, which she looked upon as so many fiends sent to torment her, ran aghast into the street with dismal outcries, imploring the assistance of her neighbours, who (as well as our confederates) enjoyed her distress; and after having indulged their animosity, contributed their aid, in ridding her of such a dangerous annoyance.
The next mischievous plan that entered our hero’s imagination, was suggested by two advertisements published in the same paper, by persons who wanted to borrow certain sums of money, for which they promised to give undeniable security. Peregrine, from the stile and manner of both, concluded they were written by attornies, a species of people for whom he entertained his uncle’s aversion: and in order to amuse himself, and some of his friends, with their disappointment, he wrote a letter signed A. B. to each advertiser, according to the address specified in the news-paper, importing, that if he would come with his writings, to a certain coffee-house near the Temple,12 precisely at six o’clock in the evening, he would find a person sitting in the right-hand box, next to the window, who would be glad to treat with him about the subject of his advertisement, and, should his security be liked, would accommodate him with the sum which he wanted to raise. Before the hour of this double appointment, Pickle with his friend Cadwallader, and a few more gentlemen, to whom he had thought proper to communicate the plan, went to the coffee-house, and seated themselves near the place that was destined for their meeting.
The hope of getting money had such an evident effect upon their punctuality, that one of them arrived a considerable time before the hour; and having reconnoitred the room, took his station according to the direction he had received, fixing his eye upon a clock that stood before him, and asking of the bar-keeper if it was not too slow. He had not remained in this posture many minutes, when he was joined by a strange figure, that waddled into the room, with a bundle of papers in his bosom, and the sweat running over his nose. Seeing a man in the box to which he had been directed, he took it for granted he was the lender; and as soon as he could recover his breath, which was almost exhausted by the dispatch he had made, “Sir, (said he) I presume you are the gentleman I was to meet, about that loan.”—Here he was interrupted by the other, who eagerly replied, “A. B. Sir, I suppose.” “The same, (cried the last comer) I was afraid I should be too late; for I was detained beyond my expectation, by a nobleman in the other end of the town, that wants to mortgage a small trifle of his estate, about a thousand a year; and my watch happens to be in the hands of the maker, having met with an accident a few nights ago, which set it asleep. But howsomever, there’s no time lost, and I hope this affair will be transacted to the satisfaction of us both. For my own part, I love to do good offices myself, and therefore I expect nothing but what is fair and honest of other people.”
His new friend was exceedingly comforted by this declaration, which he considered as a happy omen of his success; and the hope of fingering the cash operated visibly in his countenance, while he expressed his satisfaction at meeting with a person of such candour and humanity. “The pleasure (said he) of dealing with an easy conscientious man, is, in my opinion, superior to that of touching all the money upon earth; for what joy can be compared with what a generous mind feels, in befriending its fellow-creatures? I was never so happy in my life, as at one time, in lending five hundred pounds to a worthy gentleman in distress, without insisting upon rigid security. Sir, one may easily distinguish an upright man by his countenance; for example now, I think I could take your word for ten thousand pounds.” The other with great joy protested, that he was right in his conjecture, and returned the compliment a thousand fold: by which means, the expectation of both was wound up to a very interesting pitch; and both, at the same instant, began to produce their papers, in the untying of which, their hands shook with transports of eagerness and impatience; while their eyes were so intent upon their work, that they did not perceive the occupation of each other.
At length, one of them, having got the start of the other, and unrolled several skins of musty parchment, directed his view to the employment of his friend; and seeing him fumbling at his bundle, asked if that was a blank bond and conveyance, which he had brought along with him. The other, without lifting up his eyes, or desisting from his endeavours to loose the knot, which by this time he had applied to his teeth, answered this question in the negative, observing, that the papers in his hand were the security which he proposed to give for the money.
This reply converted the looks of the inquirer into a stare of infinite stolidity, accompanied with the word, Anan!13 which he pronounced in a tone of fear and astonishment. The other, alarmed at this note, cast his eyes towards the supposed lender, and was in a moment infected by his aspect. All the exultation of hope that sparkled in their eyes, was now succeeded by disappointment and dismay; and while they gazed ruefully at each other, their features were gradually elongated, like the transient curls of a Middle-row periwig.14
This emphatic silence was, however, broke by the last comer, who, in a faultering accent, desired the other to recollect the contents of his letter. “Of your letter!” cried the first, putting into his hand the advertisement he had received from Pickle; which he had no sooner perused, than he produced his own, for the satisfaction of the other party: so that another gloomy pause ensued, at the end of which, each uttered a profound sigh, or rather groan, and rising up, sneak’d off, without farther communication; he who seemed to be the most afflicted of the two, taking his departure, with an exclamation of “Humbugged,15 egad!”
Such were the amusements of our hero, tho’ they did not engross his whole time, some part of which was dedicated to nocturnal riots and revels, among a set of young noblemen, who had denounced war against temperance, œconomy, and common sense, and were indeed the devoted sons of tumult, waste, and prodigality. Not that Peregrine relished those scenes, which were a succession of absurd extravagance, devoid of all true spirit, taste, or enjoyment: but his vanity prompted him to mingle with those who were intitled the choice spirits of the age; and his disposition was so pliable, as to adapt itself easily to the measures of his company, where he had not influence enough to act in the capacity of director. Their rendezvous was at a certain tavern, which might be properly stiled the temple of excess, where they left the choice of their fare to the discretion of the landlord, that they might save themselves the pains of exercising their own reason; and, in order to avoid the trouble of adjusting the bill, ordered the waiter to declare how much every individual must pay, without specifying the articles of the charge; and this proportion generally amounted to two guineas per head for each dinner and supper, and frequently exceeded that sum; of which the landlord durst not abate, without running the risque of having his nose slit for his moderation.
But this was a puny expence, compared with that which they often incurred, by the damage done to the furniture and servants, in the madness of their intoxication, as well as the loss they sustained at hazard,16 an amusement to which all of them had recourse, in the progress of their debauches. This elegant diversion was introduced, encouraged, and promoted by a crew of rapacious sharpers, who had made themselves necessary companions to this hopeful generation, by the talents of pimping and buffoonery: and though they were universally known, even by those they preyed upon, to have no other means of earning their livelihood, than the most infamous and fraudulent practices, they were caressed and courted by these infatuated dupes, when a man of honour, who would not join in their excesses, would have been treated with the utmost indignity and contempt.
Though Peregrine, in his heart, detested those abandoned courses, and was a professed enemy to the whole society of gamesters, whom he considered, and always treated as the foes of human kind, he was insensibly accustomed to licentious riot, and even led imperceptibly into play by those cormorants, who are no less dangerous in the art of cheating, than by their consummate skill in working upon the passions of unwary youth. They are, for the most part, naturally cool, phlegmatic and crafty, and by a long habit of dissimulation, have gained an absolute dominion over the hasty passions of the heart; so that they engage with manifest advantage over the impatience and impetuosity of a warm, undesigning temper, like that of our young gentleman, who, when he was heated with wine, misled by example, invited on one hand, and defied on the other, forgot all his maxims of caution and sobriety, and plunging into the reigning folly of the place, had frequent occasions to moralize in the morning, upon the loss of the preceding night.
These penitential reflections were attended with many laudable resolutions of profiting by the expence which he had so dearly purchased; but he was one of those philosophers, who always put off, till another day, the commencement of their reformation.
The end of the THIRD VOLUME.